Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

386 replies

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 14:52

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

OP posts:
Cheepcheepcheep · 02/12/2023 15:06

My parents are fairly odd in that they eat brunch around 11.30 each day and then dinner at 8.30 and don’t really do anything in between. Blame their post retirement daily routine!

We have 2 young kids and therefore we’re a fairly fixed 3 meals a day type family - we often turn up at midday and they’re just finishing off their boiled eggs while I’m prepping our lunch 😂

We just bring our own food though, or mum buys things in for us if she remembers, but often it’s just easier for us to bring a meal deal each for us and a packed lunch for the kids.

This is less a ‘they’re weird for eating like that’ thing and more a ‘the vibe sounds horrible if you don’t feel you can just sort yourself out’ thing.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 02/12/2023 15:06

You ASK if they’re hungry ffs. I’d also assume someone breastfeeding needs at least a biscuit.

keye · 02/12/2023 15:07

SiennaMillar · 02/12/2023 14:59

YANBU. I went on hols with ILs. They eat breakfast at 8am and dinner at 10pm. NOTHING in between and no shops. I was dizzy with hunger! I had to steal stuff from the breakfast buffet to save for lunch

This is utterly batshit. Why did you not juts have lunch?

MrsNandortheRelentless · 02/12/2023 15:08

The moment I found out my ILs were batshit about food and eating I completely removed them from the situation.

I took complete control over our eating when with them.
Took packed lunches, bags of food shopping, things for us to eat when we eat etc.

When out, giving them the choice to come with us for lunch somewhere or we would meet them somewhere in an hour and a half if they didn’t.

Easy, done.
I’ve no time to be dancing on fucking egg shells when it came to eating.
Breast feeding and young kids need fuel, so I provided that fuel.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:08

I'd offer food, whatever but if a breastfeeding mother and toddler were visiting me, they would be offered many different options. Together with lots of filtered or bottled water for the breastfeeding mum.

I find it completely weird that an amount of fresh healthy snacks (and some naughty ones) would not be offered.

It's no matter what I want, these two categories of toddler and breastfeeding do not fall into normal
Mealtimes.

OP, you are correct, it's odd.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 02/12/2023 15:09

Reallybadidea · 02/12/2023 15:05

Of course YANBU but this is MN so people will fall over themselves to tell you that you're the problem.

And people will also berate op "but surely you ate for dinner last night? Can you really not manage 24hrs without food?, I had a large salad of 4 peashoots,half a cherry tomato and a cube of goats cheese on Tues and I'm still stuffed!''

Viviennemary · 02/12/2023 15:09

You knew you were unlikely to be offered food. In which case why didn't you take a packed lunch for yourself. Or not bother even going. It is quite cheeky of them not to offer food though.

Cosyblankets · 02/12/2023 15:11

What time are you there till?
2pm is after lunch so no i wouldn't expect to provide anything more than biscuits at that time.
You know you're breastfeeding
You know you'll be hungry
You know you didn't have breakfast
You know they don't eat

Nopenott0day · 02/12/2023 15:12

I offer anyone in our house food, even if we have workmen in I'll ask them if they want a snack. Yanbu.

Original poster
Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 15:13

keye · 02/12/2023 15:03

Why did you not eat lunch before you arrived at 2? Just arrive at 2:15 year instead.

Bad planning tbh and leaving packing nappies bags to the last minute after soft play. DH took both kids so I could eat in the morning and I stupidly thought I'll eat later. By the time we left it was late (they are also v strict about late arrivals)

And also stupidly because we don't visit often I actually forget how terrible the hunger is 😂😂

We drove past a McDonald's DH offered to stop but I stupidly said no not wanting to be late, with no plan on dealing with the hunger later.

Anyway I'm out now getting some food.

OP posts:
ExTheCheater · 02/12/2023 15:14

I'm a feeder and offer guests sandwiches, cakes, biscuits. Whatever I have, whatever the time.

neilyoungismyhero · 02/12/2023 15:14

Can't you ask if there's a snack you can have as you're breastfeeding and need to eat? I can't believe there's nothing in their cupboards to eat. Mention you didn't have time for breakfast. They might be weird with their eating habits in your opinion but its even weirder not being able to speak up.

ohtowinthelottery · 02/12/2023 15:15

If I had guests arriving at 2pm from a long journey (which went over lunchtime) I'd check with them in advance if they were having lunch on the way of if they'd like something on arrival. But knowing that your inlaws don't seem to eat lunch you should have either brought something with you of grabbed something en route.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:16

Nopenott0day · 02/12/2023 15:12

I offer anyone in our house food, even if we have workmen in I'll ask them if they want a snack. Yanbu.

Snap!

ehb102 · 02/12/2023 15:16

I refuse to be shamed for needing to eat any more. I will go and get myself something if necessary.

leilani83 · 02/12/2023 15:17

Some people are so rude here!

You're not just some 'guest' but close family, plus they must know you're BFing! YANBU - they should def feed you, unbelievable that they don't!! Also v weird of your DH not to consider this!

Angelsrose · 02/12/2023 15:18

Of course you should feed your guests! We all know people who don't and I find it rude. However you do know your ILs so next time go prepared especially as your BFing! You need your strength!

UsingChangeofName · 02/12/2023 15:18

YANBU to think it is odd / unusual to go without food from 7am - 6pm.

You are, however BU to blame them for the fact you
a) didn't have breakfast before you left
b)didn't have lunch before you left
c) didn't take food with you, knowing they wouldn't be feeding you
d) accept the opportunity to have a Maccies when your dh suggested you call in to the one you were passing
on your in laws.

If people were coming to me at 2.30, I wouldn't expect to give them a meal either, as it isn't mealtime, but you have the forewarning here that they don't even eat at mealtimes, so overall YABU

BMW6 · 02/12/2023 15:18

But........ you KNOW their habits and you didn't eat any breakfast or lunch before going there!!!

This is your own fault I'm afraid.

Wendysfriend · 02/12/2023 15:19

I hate this, sitting there starving. I feed everyone who visits, whatever the time I make something suitable, I would absolutely die if someone was sitting there hungry.

People are busy rushing around with young kids, sometimes there's not enough time to make food and eat before you leave to visit someone. You'd at least expect a biscuit and cuppa when visiting.

I have relatives like this, they'd invite us over and nothing... absolutely nothing offered, they'd delay their dinner so as not to feed you. We'd offer to buy takeaway etc but they don't eat "unhealthy food" like this, so when I use to visit them I'd stick bars of chocolate in the baby bag and eat them in the bathroom 😳, I'd pretend to be changing one of the kids nappies 🤣 it was just to take away the grumbling in my stomach. Now I just don't visit them.

UsingChangeofName · 02/12/2023 15:20

Also v weird of your DH not to consider this!

He did.
He suggested getting a McD's on the way over, and the OP said no !

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/12/2023 15:20

NoWordForFluffy · 02/12/2023 14:55

I wouldn't feed people who arrived at 2, unless they were also staying for dinner. 2pm is after lunch (notwithstanding the fact they don't eat it). I might offer a warmed mince pie at this time of year, but otherwise it's not a time I'd expect my guests to be expecting food to be provided.

You definitely feed guests who you've invited over at a mealtime, however.

I would if they had been travelling a while to get there as they'd have been driving through lunch time.

It's weird - you should bring a pack lunch with you for you and the kids or pop out to a cafe with them if they live in a town. You need to eat.

My brother and his wife also don't tend to feed people so I do this or tell them I'll leave after I eat lunch

TheChosenTwo · 02/12/2023 15:20

I feed anyone and everyone who crosses my front door (if they want it of course). I only really eat 1-2 meals a day but I recognise standard mealtimes.
I’d presume if you arrived at 2 that you would have eaten but would still have made cake or something to offer for the afternoon.
Mean hosting is so unwelcoming!

OneMoreStepAlongTheRoadIGo · 02/12/2023 15:21

I completely agree guests should be offered a biscuit or a meal if meal times but in this case you own behaviour sounds like you could do with thinking it theough a bit.

You plan to arrive at 2pm. After lunch.

You eat no breakfast
You eat no lunch
You think you'll just deal with being hungry rather than eat and somehow that's their fault?

And your husband even suggests you grab a burger. (Did he eat breakfast and lunch?)

What is going on here? Do you often miss meals? Honestly especially if breastfeeding I'd spend some time prioritising yourself and sorting out food as you've missed 2 meals here on your own time and not planned for being out the house all afternoon either. (Meant super kindly as I've had disordered eating for a long time. So in the spirit of please look after yourself. X)

keye · 02/12/2023 15:21

leilani83 · 02/12/2023 15:17

Some people are so rude here!

You're not just some 'guest' but close family, plus they must know you're BFing! YANBU - they should def feed you, unbelievable that they don't!! Also v weird of your DH not to consider this!

Why do you think it is rude to suggest a breastfeeding mother is more responsible for eating her bloody breakfast/lunch than her DH or in laws?

She is a grown adult. The 'oh especially as you are breastfeeding' is infantilising.