AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

[Lizziebest]

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

Only read OPS update.
I just can't understand why the 'amazing' DH didn't just go & make you a sandwich, or toast, or cereal or soup or something.

It's 100% not normal to have to leave the house, park up, wander the high street and eat a panini in the street rather than asking your family for a snack.

God, it puts mine & DH's own strange families into perspective.

This brings back memories. First time I met the in laws, invited for a barbecue, to arrive at 12. No food was served, at all, until 6!!! No crisps, nothing, no food in sight. DH and his siblings joked about how they make sure they are starving for dinner. No snacks in their house. Dinner "not worth it unless you're proper hungry. Wtf does that mean?

I now have muffins and sandwiches in my hand bag when we go see the in laws and I eat them secretly when I go to the bathroom.

DH is ok with starving himself for dinner. I'm not. If I eat nothing for 8 hours and then eat an enormous meal, I feel ill. DH was raised to think it's some kind of a reward. Weird.

Everyone is different. I have breakfast, don't eat lunch, maybe a bag of crisps with morning coffee. I can't eat later than 5,(various gut problems) you should swap mil, mine expects you to be eating from the minute you arrive,till you leave,THEN you get a "doggy bag". They think I'm weird. My DKs now complain, when I keep offering food,say you're turning into Granny*!

I'm gobsmacked.

They didn't offer you a hot drink until an hour after you showed up? Then when there was food on offer, it was a sandwich? That's piss poor to be honest.
I would have thought they could have adjusted their routine and hand a hot dinner in the evening just the once that their son, daughter-in-law and grandchild were visiting. That would be normal. What they did wasn't normal.

As for your MiL sighing when you returned from the shops, that was an opportunity for your DH to say "Well mum, @Lizziebest wouldn't need to go to the shops and stock up on something to eat if there was any food on offer on our arrival so let's stop with the sighs when you see her coming in with a shopping bag of food, ok?" but I'm guessing that he hasn't ever really stood up to his parents about anything that they do, has he?

They are rude and inhospitable.
They don't eat all day so don't see why anyone else should either.
I don't like the fuss about being late either. Yes, we should aim not be late but it's not always possible - especially with young children.

I wouldn't expect to be offered lunch if I arrived at 2pm but normally you'd be offered a cup of tea or coffee when you arrived, or something else to drink. And maybe a tea break at 4 or so with tea and a couple of biscuits. And then if you'd been invited to stay for the evening meal normally that would be more than a cheese and lettuce sandwich.
Fucking weird that you have to sit there with a water bottle because they won't provide you with a drink. I wonder if they actually enjoy controlling other people in this way.

Some people don't seem to need to eat for hours on end - I've got relatives like this. But surely if you have guests you must realize that not everyone is like you and that you should offer something even if you wouldn't eat at that time yourself or would never eat a biscuit etc.

However I do think YAB a bit U because you know exactly what they are like from previous experience and you still showed up at 2 pm not having eaten and you refused the McDs so as not to be late. You could have had chicken nuggets and chips from the drive thru which are easy to eat in the car - no need to go into McDs and sit there for half an hour.

I would cut the length of the visit in future so that it really is between meals - ie. you arrive at 2pm and leave at 5.30pm, before the evening meal. When they invite you and say a specific time just say you'll be leaving earlier before the meal. And don't put up with any nonsense, whinging and moaning about it.
Make sure you eat before you go and shove a Nature Valley (they are great for an energy boost, eat them all the time when hiking and feeling like I'm about to pass out...) in your bag for half way through if you can't manage 4 hours without eating.

They are SO rude! That is a crime against hospitality. To wait an hour for a hot drink! To have a sandwich for dinner! That is so hopeless.

We always have some biscuits or some fruit or a round of toast available. Anyone coming in the house for 60 secs gets offered tea or coffee.

It is shameful behaviour on their part, absolutely shameful. Baggsy me NOT go to theirs for Christmas…..

So the answer to everyone’s question of “why didn’t you eat” is you are human? 😂 I don’t understand why everyone’s so hard on you right now 😅 stuff happens and you lose track of time! Glad you’ve gone to get food!

I find this so odd that they both only have 2 meals a day and their dinner is half a sandwich! Do they have a full English breakfast in the morning? If not and it's a small breakfast too, i don't know how they aren't anorexic!

Do they maybe save the main course for when you are gone?!

Did they eat this little with your husband was a child?

I think they are incredibly rude to starve you all like that. Regardless of arriving at 2pm or whenever. Not even a cooked meal after driving for two hours to visit is very rude in itself.

I hope you don't go to theirs for Christmas day!

They sound barmy, and absolutely oblivious to their horrid manners (ironic considering how rigid they seem to be about punctuality). Their approach to food is disordered at best.
I feel quite sad for your DH to have grown up in that sort of environment, and can see it must be very difficult for him now where he knows they’re not behaving kindly or generously, but they’re all he’s got.

What bonkers ILs you have…

Get some Quaker Porridge Oat Bars in Mixed Berry flavour (red pack) to keep in the nappy bag and you will never be completely stuck again. They’re a lifesaver!

I am unusually sensitive to this having recovered from an eating disorder but you have a small and closing window in which you need to consider very carefully how you will manage this once your toddler is old enough to start noticing and internalising this weirdness. No-one this weird or controlling around food would have unsupervised or extended access to my children, especially my daughter, and I wouldn’t entertain the possibility of secretly eating with her. I’d start ensuring now that you do not see these people over meal times. Sorry OP.

I wonder why people get like this - surely they know not eating lunch and just having a lettuce sandwich for dinner is weird, and super weird if it's the 'hospitality' you offer guests? I'd never invite people round for dinner if I wasn't offering two courses, plus drinks and nibbles - I love to entertain, admittedly, but this is just normal isn't it?

It sounds like they think that being miserly/barely eating is somehow virtuous. Very Puritanical.

You need to eat properly so order in or pop to supermarket. Not your fault they are not hospitable.

Were you expecting lunch arriving after 2pm??

Same here. I would be so embarrassed not to offer guests something to eat and drink. How could you not? Weird imo.

Of course it's not rude to pop out to get food for yourself. If they're not offering anything for you then you need to feed yourself.

My MIL is even worse.

She always has tonnes of food out when we arrive (plates of this, bowls of that, platters of mixed stuff, always DH's favourite foods from childhood etc) but if anyone - including DH - ever takes any she gives you the weirdest look and the atmosphere tenses up immediately. Then, after it's all been lying around for an hour, with nobody daring to touch anything, she starts complaining about the inconvenience of leftovers and not enough fridge space!

Worse is that in front of us she eats like a bird on a diet, underhand performatively, but she's at least double my size (and no medical issues - we'd know if she did, she doesn't hold back when there is one) so she must eat proper food, and lots of it, when nobody's looking!

Totally disordered. So, so weird.

I wouldn't dream of having guests over and not offering them food. And I wouldn't assume that they've eaten lunch already. Not everyone eats lunch religiously between 1 and 2. Especially if they'd had to travel some distance to arrive at my house. I'd have sandwich ingredients in and I'd offer them tea/coffee, soup, sandwiches/toasties and cake. If they insisted they weren't hungry and/or had already eaten, then I'd still serve up the tea/coffee and slice up the cake at a minimum after a bit of go on, go on, go on a la Mrs. Doyle. They can take or leave the cake.

However, as you know your in-laws leave a very big gap between meals, and only eat tiny portions, you should have planned your trip better. Although I remember those crazy baby days and how it took half a day to get out the door.

Given that they're oblivious to etiquette around guests and feeding them, it would not be rude to get some food. Hopefully you've done so already - I haven't checked for updates.

So when would she have time to eat lunch

Her ils are totally unreasonable

I'm agreeing with you btw

Those ils are unbelievable

OP had the chance to stop for a McDonald's on the way over, DH offered to stop but OP said no.

Yes, perhaps she was worried about being late but you have a point😀

My parents don't eat either and it drives me bonkers. My mum has a half a biscuit for breakfast. Seeing the halves in the biscuit tin makes me roll my eyes. My dad doesn't eat until dinner time, by which point he is consumed by hanger and loses the plot if anything disrupts his mealtime routine. Last time I was there he expressed his shock that I was having dinner after eating a hot lunch. FWIW, I am slim, breastfeeding and an amateur athlete so I don't know under what circumstances he actually thinks it's reasonable to eat.

Why can't your dad get himself a snack if he is that hungry @whattodo22222 ?

I think of threads like this whenever I hear anyone comment on the apparent rising levels of neurodivergence and mental health issues in the population. Based on some personal experience and this thread the levels of seriously disordered eating (and potentially full eating disorders) are pretty high in my parents’ generation and older.