AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

[Lizziebest]

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers.

Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks.

Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back.

Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over?

I'm also breastfeeding!!

I don't think Yabu

I find it very hard to understand their behaviour

A measly sandwich and she couldn't give you anything to eat when you arrived.

I’m amazed at people’s outrage at arriving at 2 and needing lunch. To get to my mums house at 2 we would have had to start loading the car at 10 so we can get everything and everyone in the car, then drive for 3 hours. I’m always starving about half an hour after arriving. My mum would not be upset if I wanted feeding. I think if you invite guests there has to be some compromise between your eating schedule and theirs. I’d die if my guests were hungry!

Yes. My sister lives a 4 - 5 hour drive from me. If she arrived at 2 I would assume that she was hungry.

@RampantIvy - but surely you’d expect her to be a polite guest and have had her pack lunch enroute 😂

@FunWithFlagz and @RampantIvy but none of that is relevant to this thread, as the OP hasn't done that.
She's been home on her own in the morning, whilst the dh took the dc out to softplay. Then, they have gone round to the OP's in-laws after lunch - or at least, after lunchtime had the OP and her dh chosen to eat it.
The OP won't say how far away they are, but I think we can all assume if it were a trek of some hours, she would have said that.

Same OP. But I'm from a family of hospitable people/ feeders.

You are right @UsingChangeofName. The OP lives a 2 hour drive away from the PIL and yes, she should have eaten before she left.

However, when we have guests I always ask if they have eaten/would like something to eat when they arrive regardless of what time of day it is. We always keep bread, cheese or other sandwich fillings in the house anyway.

Just go out and have lunch. Guests that come to my house get asked straight away if they are hungry no matter what time it is. They also get told what time dinner is and shown what’s in the cupboards and fridge if they want to help themselves in between. I thought this was normal, but from reading the posts everyone seems a bit anal about food times.

They sound weird as fuck.

Honestly, at first I was like well you should have eaten before you got there as it's 2pm which is a weird time to bring out food, unless previously agreed. But they didn't even offer any hot or cold drinks?? Just offered to refill your water bottle.

I wouldn't necessarily think to offer food at 2pm. But would definitely offer drinks and probably some biscuits. Also, if someone said to me they'd not had chance for lunch I would have offered to make a sandwich or got them some crisps! The fact that you're scared to even ask for food speaks volumes.

I have similar situation but my kids are teens now - we just bring our own food or eat en route if visiting.

No judgement at all, because I know how easy it is to forget to feed yourself when you're busy trying to get little ones organised to go out. I don't think it's rude to pop out to get something to eat, just explain that you didn't have time to have breakfast, they can't hold that against you. If they're decent people they should then offer you something. If not then they're the ones being unreasonable.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Unless someone specifically invites us over for lunch or dinner then I wouldn’t expect food to be served. I would offer tea/coffee etc and we usually have biscuits/crisps or something in anyway. But i wouldn’t expect food unless the invite was for a meal.

The in laws wouldn’t have known that you hadn’t eaten breakfast or lunch that day. And 2pm isn’t really a meal time. I would have thought most people would have already eaten if they came at that time. Yes, a lot of people would think it polite to offer some sort of nibbles maybe. But others won’t and you already knew they were fussy about food so I would have eaten before, brought something or stopped on the way to get something.

My XMIL was like this - you might get a biscuit (just one mind) and a cup of coffee, but that'd be it until tea-time, which in itself was always meagre.

She herself has a HUGE appetite, as witnessed on many occasions when someone else is paying, or at our house, when she'll routinely say she couldn't possibly manage whatever is on her plate before demolishing it and taking seconds...

Look after you and yours @Lizziebest and plan ahead for all visits, including taking plenty of food for you and the DC as necessary.

my mother in law overfeeds. She asks me days in advance what i want for dinner (we visit every friday evening) and theres always a nice cake to go with it.
My mother is pretty much the same.

They sound beyond bizarre.

However, I do think it is entirely on you that you turned up having missed two meals and refused the McD's stop. I wouldn't routinely offer food at 2pm, just a cup of tea, since I would assume you had just had lunch.

With the further reveal that your DH explained you had missed lunch and breakfast, I would obviously offer a sandwich/toast/fruit/whatever else I could find.

Friday night dinner? I don't think it's cultural as DH is Jewish and everyone always offers food, cup of tea and proper meal if planned and sometimes if not planned. I'm English with an Irish mother and my parents always offered visitors drinks, snacks and proper meal if planned or sometimes if not planned. DH and I, despite different backgrounds, are very much on the same page with hosting guests, whether casual or not. We pride ourselves on offering choices so we usually over cater but better that than be stingy with guests and there's always leftovers

Really strange to turn up at the home of someone known for not feeding you, AFTER lunch then expect feeding.

I would definitely always offer guests something to eat, regardless of what time I'd invited them. Not necessarily a full meal, but I would always, at the very least, offer them cake/biscuits/snacks/nibbles and a constant supply of drinks. If someone arrived at 2pm I'd ask them if they were hungry and offer them sandwiches if they hadn't eaten.

Really strange for people to expect guests to arrive at a set time on pain of very obvious disapproval , then fail to offer so much as a biscuit, make them wait 4 hours for 'dinner', then give them a measly sandwich.

OP they sound joyless. They may love their DGC but that was one arid afternoon. Anyone coming to my house for a visit would be offered a drink immediately and asked if they wanted anything to eat, no matter whether it was an acceptable mealtime by anyone’s standards.

You did know what they’re like so I agree that part should have come as no surprise to you, so maybe a bit more forward planning next time would be useful. I also worry a bit about their rigid attitude to food being communicated to your dc - I assume your DH doesn’t share their obsession?

They sound barking mad. A cheese sandwich is not a dinner and I would die before I'd serve it as such to guests in my house. Bloody hell.

Just come with food, eat it without shame in front of them and more importantly in front of your kids (especially if daughters) - they don't need that kind of fucked up attitude to food kowtowed to in front of them. Food is not moral weakness!

Also the VERY IDEA someone would turn up at my house and be told to wait for an hour before I would even deign to give them a hot drink - I swear I'm getting the vapours. The shame!

YANBU. That sounds completely miserable and inhospitable. But then my family is South Asian and you can't even swing by a relative's house to pick someone up without being dragged out of the car and made to eat something.

Goodness me, OP. You would think your ILs would be keen to build a meaningful relationship with you and your DCs, given they are their only grandchildren! They're lucky you are accommodating.

I cannot understand them at all. How can they not see that failing to offer food is inhospitable at best and downright rude at worst? I wonder if it's because appetites tend to get smaller as people get older, but still, you wouldn't be unreasonable to expect a warmer welcome!

When I travel 4-5 hours to see someone I build in a stop at motorway services at lunch to eat, as it's good to have a driving break after a couple of hours. However, my aunty or whoever would normally always ask if we had eaten and provide tea and biscuits when we arrive by default.

Dinner was a cheese and lettuce sandwich!!!! No I wouldn’t go again.