Page 11 | AIBU to think you should feed guests if you've invited them

Lizziebest · 2023-12-02T14:52:27+00:00

Visiting in laws today on a planned visit initiated by them. ILs are a bit odd about food and seem to eat tiny portions only in allocated slots e.g don't do lunch but breakfast at 7am and dinner at 6pm with coffees in between. When I've mentioned this being odd in the past they offer the thinnest sandwich I've ever seen so have given up trying to explain I think this is bonkers. Usually I manage this by eating a lot before going but with a toddler and a baby I didn't eat any breakfast this morning. DH prepared all of the toddlers lunch and I didn't ask him to pack me anything. We arrived at 2. I'm starving. DH doesn't think this is weird and doesn't eat a lot himself but is happy to buy me food before and after. Sorely tempted to eat the left overs from toddlers fruit lunch and snacks. Is it rude to pop out to the high street eat something and come back. Aibu to think you feed people who you invite over? I'm also breastfeeding!!

Goldbar · 02/12/2023 19:30

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 18:43

Who cares about what a person would do if they were Irish or Welsh? I'm French and if somebody came to my house at 2pm I would offer them a coffee. Does that help the debate?

It has to do with the scale of the offence, I think.

In some cultures, denying your guest sustenance might be viewed as delivering a salutary lesson in self-control and against over-indulgence. While in others it merits a full-on braying mob hurling fondant fancies and chocolate teacakes at the offending house.

Differentstarts · 02/12/2023 19:31

User1789 · 02/12/2023 18:32

Why? Because these people want their guests to feel uncomfortable around food, as they are not comfortable around food, as they have ascribed moral value to food.

Weird food people are about as uncomfortable around other people's enjoyment of food, as prudes are around other people's enjoyment of sex. You can fulfil your biological functions (as far as THEY deem it necessary), but not in public please, and how desparately rude to talk about it.

I imagine OP would be about as welcome to go into the kitchen and make herself a sandwich as she would be to give her DH a blow job on the couch in the living room.

But you knew that didn't you, and you are just being obtuse.

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What are you on about did you even read my comment

Maggiethecat · 02/12/2023 19:36

Have only read the OP and my first reaction is that she’s visiting family FGS.

If ILs haven’t put food on wouldn’t DH be comfortable enough in his own parent’s home to make his wife a sandwich or something to eat even if she is not comfortable enough to do so, especially since OP is breastfeeding?

Very strange dynamic if not!

ThePineapplePrincess · 02/12/2023 19:37

I think there’s two extremes here.

They clearly don’t have a normal appetite and don’t eat (or serve) enough, but equally, you are an overeater (breastfeeding is no excuse, I’ve breastfed for three years and never needed to eat in excess) and your family are feeders.

So it sounds like both of your families have issues surrounding food, meaning you’ll have a hard time bringing up children to have a healthy relationship with food.

Particularly in regards to today, you turned up AFTER lunch, having not eaten even though you were free to do so and knew you wouldn’t be having dinner until 6. That’s on you. Scoffing so much junk food isn’t healthy, and you need to work on that before your toddler picks up your bad habits.

Fightarealfire · 02/12/2023 19:38

I don’t get it- in my world you offer a brew and biscuits or cake to everyone who even pops in (mince pies at this time of year too).

If someone is invited over at 2 I would have tea, coffee, wine (and port in the winter) plus /biscuits/cake/nice crisps/mince pies and cheese straws.

Not that I expect it to all be eaten, I just couldn’t not offer!

burnoutbabe · 02/12/2023 19:39

It sounds like this is not about hospitality but they just have issues around food.

Expecting food to be provided would be like expecting drinks at a reformed alcoholics or a lavish spread at an anorexic's place.

So you just take snacks with you if you know what they are like. Or don't go got more than an hour. They have always been like this pet your husband. What use is it for a bunch of mumsnet people to slag them off?

Fightarealfire · 02/12/2023 19:46

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 19:26

An update

Lots of ppl asking what was offered on arrival.

We walked in said hi, exchanged pleasantries, lovely greeting of grandkids. Mil said thanks for being on time (we have been late previously and it soured the mood) They asked how the traffic was DH replied saying it was okay but we had a busy morning and that I had skipped breakfast and lunch was there anything going? Fruit? MIL said well I'll be making a coffee at 3 and dinner will be at 6 as usual but she could refill both our water bottles. We then sat in living room they played with toddler and had general chit chat. They aren't terrible people tbh just weird about food, money and time. They were lovely to toddler and fussed over baby. DH had a black coffee at 3.

So dinner was at 6 it was a cheese and lettuce sandwich per person. DH asked if there was anything else she said she had nothing in after looking like she wanted to kill him prob thinks I put him up to it but I genuinely didn't. I was actually fine having eaten the Panini etc.

At 6.25 FIL said you'll be off now will you?

Driving home now DH is eating from my bag of snacks while I read this thread aloud to him. He is partly being defensive about his parents (it's a generational thing) and that he had sandwiches for dinner as a kid and partly agrees it's inhospitable.

No visit for a few months now but I will definitely never turn up unprepared.

Hang on, you arrived at 2 on their instruction, but weren’t offered a coffee until an hour later?! So come in, sit down, and no brew?

Fucking hell that is rude!

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 19:47

Well, 2pm isn't a meal time.

They're not very hospitable but they aren't beyond the pale. Still, in their shoes I would have bread, cheese, ham and Coke just in case.

In future you should prep sliced/cubed cheese, crudités, maybe some crackers, croissants and hard cooked eggs to take along.

Or go to McDonald's instead of soft play.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 19:47

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 15:29

We drove past a McDonald's DH offered to stop but I stupidly said no not wanting to be late, with no plan on dealing with the hunger later.

Not wanting to be late for what? It wasn't lunch, clearly, as you said they don't usually have it. So what were you worried about being late FOR?

I wondered this myself.

OhNoOhNo · 02/12/2023 19:56

Loulou599 · 02/12/2023 18:43

Who cares about what a person would do if they were Irish or Welsh? I'm French and if somebody came to my house at 2pm I would offer them a coffee. Does that help the debate?

Exactly, all these boastful posts from Irish, Scottish and Welsh people are quite irritating.

I’m an immigrant to England but in my experience, English people, of whatever race or religion, are very welcoming and generous hosts, with plenty of food and drink on offer.

Original poster

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 19:58

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 19:47

I wondered this myself.

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We were asked to arrive at 2 and a late arrival caused a bad atmosphere last time. Both pil visibly upset and tense as a result. So I wanted to avoid that. He is their only son and our kids are only grandkids (who they do love) and I want as much as possible to keep things good with them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 20:01

Lizziebest · 02/12/2023 19:58

We were asked to arrive at 2 and a late arrival caused a bad atmosphere last time. Both pil visibly upset and tense as a result. So I wanted to avoid that. He is their only son and our kids are only grandkids (who they do love) and I want as much as possible to keep things good with them.

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Only child

OP posts:

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 20:10

They sound really rigid.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 20:21

Fightarealfire · 02/12/2023 19:38

I don’t get it- in my world you offer a brew and biscuits or cake to everyone who even pops in (mince pies at this time of year too).

If someone is invited over at 2 I would have tea, coffee, wine (and port in the winter) plus /biscuits/cake/nice crisps/mince pies and cheese straws.

Not that I expect it to all be eaten, I just couldn’t not offer!

And would you have all those things in already, just in case of guests? Because none of us like mince pies in our house, none of us like port either, the teens are fussy with cake and one will only eat chocolate cake, DH doesn't like ANYTHING sweet etc etc. We'd usually have biscuits in. Usually bogstandard crisps, not always nice crisps. I wouldn't get stuff we don't like just in case people who DO like them may drop in. Because they might not like them or want them either. And then I'll be stuck with a cupboard full of "food that no-one really likes but we'd better have in just in case some guests drop in that may like them" that goes past their use by date and gets chucked out. 😆

CurlyhairedAssassin · 02/12/2023 20:27

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 20:10

They sound really rigid.

Abnormally so, to the point where this thread's becoming a bit "Really......? 🙄"

Kirstyshine · 02/12/2023 20:28

I just offer what I have in, to unexpected callers. There’s always something. The thing is to make people welcome, comfortable.

burnoutbabe · 02/12/2023 20:34

It's a weird thread. Asking for food to apparently very rude as is being late.

But disappearing off to the shops for an hour is fine. Where did they think you were going to be surprised you had food when you returned (ie she sighed)

Luxell934 · 02/12/2023 20:56

Laughing so much after your update, so your husband said you hadn't eaten and asked if they had anything you could eat and your MIL said "no, we will have a coffee at 3 and dinner at 6" and your husband and FIL just accepted that?? 😂

After worrying so much about being late and upsetting them, you then get up and leave their house for an hour to get yourself food.

Then you got a cheese and lettuce sandwhich for tea.

and now you are on your way home eating your bag of snacks.

How far away do you live? You made it seem like you travelled hours and hours to see them, I bet they only live 20-30 mins away😂

Maggiethecat · 02/12/2023 21:03

Agree, this sounds unbelievable - they’re uptight about you being late but you can disappear for an hour? to get your nails done?

A cheese sandwich and lettuce for dinner? Seriously, that’s what you’d be waiting 4 hours for?

I did wonder earlier why you or DH couldn’t make you a sarnie or some such in his parents home but this sounds a very strange dynamic!

rookiemere · 02/12/2023 21:27

Yeah I must admit if I had asked visitors to come at 2pm and then as soon as they came in announced they needed food I'd find it odd.

I'd obviously try to give them something but we also don't usually have biscuits in the house (DS17 eats them all) , I'd try to do something like toast, but I would be wondering why a grown adult seemingly can't feed themselves.

And yes I would find it a bit odd if a guest disappeared mid afternoon and came back clutching a panini if I was making dinner in a couple if hours. To be fair I certainly wouldn't be serving guests a small cheese sandwich as a dinner though.

My DPs don't go in for big meals, we only go for the day now, but when we used to stay over or if they were hosting relatives we'd just bring some protein bars and peanuts to tide us over which we would eat in our room and give them to relatives to do the same.

OhNoOhNo · 02/12/2023 21:31

rookiemere · 02/12/2023 21:27

Yeah I must admit if I had asked visitors to come at 2pm and then as soon as they came in announced they needed food I'd find it odd.

I'd obviously try to give them something but we also don't usually have biscuits in the house (DS17 eats them all) , I'd try to do something like toast, but I would be wondering why a grown adult seemingly can't feed themselves.

And yes I would find it a bit odd if a guest disappeared mid afternoon and came back clutching a panini if I was making dinner in a couple if hours. To be fair I certainly wouldn't be serving guests a small cheese sandwich as a dinner though.

My DPs don't go in for big meals, we only go for the day now, but when we used to stay over or if they were hosting relatives we'd just bring some protein bars and peanuts to tide us over which we would eat in our room and give them to relatives to do the same.

So you’d invite guests for 2pm but wouldn’t do them lunch? And then be annoyed when they went to get lunch themselves? Even when one of the guests is breastfeeding?

PeloMom · 02/12/2023 21:32

You know their habits so go out and grab yourself a nice meal!

rookiemere · 02/12/2023 21:52

@OhNoOhNo well yes unless it was Christmas day I'd assume most people would have lunch between the hours of 12-2, just as I would assume most adults were capable of fixing themselves breakfast.

Tourmalines · 02/12/2023 21:53

Your in laws are miserable. I can’t believe your last post . Coffee is timed, dinner is timed. That by the way is not dinner . A measly sandwich. My son and Dil and grandchild come to my place quite often . My kitchen and pantry is open constantly. I feed them banquets compared to some . That’s what we do. I can’t fathom such rigidness.

RampantIvy · 02/12/2023 21:59

DH replied saying it was okay but we had a busy morning and that I had skipped breakfast and lunch was there anything going? Fruit? MIL said well I'll be making a coffee at 3 and dinner will be at 6 as usual but she could refill both our water bottles.

That was downright rude and inhospitable of them. Next time take food and openly eat in front of them. Quite frankly I wouldn't care if it offended them. I would hope it would embarrass them into being more welcoming.