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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours banging wall at night

267 replies

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:14

Just looking for opinions on this, I don’t think we are in the wrong but I’m struggling to understand why neighbours are acting this way.

My 16 month old is going through a bad sleep regression and teething. It means 2am and we are awake with lots of tears. I go straight in and try to calm things down but it can take a while at the minute so it might go on for about 30 minutes and worst case scenario an hour on and off.

im trying everything I can to settle them but now my neighbours have started banging the wall, I presume to let us know they have been woken. Which I understand is frustrating but I’m not sure what they are wanting to achieve.

are they just horrible people, should I say something? They haven’t liked us since we moved in due to Diy during the day in the first month we moved however not during unsociable hours.

aibu to be annoyed or are they?

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/12/2023 09:18

They are in the wrong.
You could placate by putting a card through door saying, teething, baby, sorry, temporary etc..... Or they can piss off elsewhere not attached to anyone else!

Pootles34 · 02/12/2023 09:20

Could you swap the rooms around so your child isn't in an adjoining room to them?

GrumpyOldCrone · 02/12/2023 09:20

I have some sympathy with the neighbours who don’t want to be woken up at 2am. However, it’s normal with babies and it’s temporary. And if they think that banging on the wall will make things get quieter sooner, I would assume they’ve never had kids. It’s quite counterproductive.

I would ignore them. Nothing you can say will make them understand, and you risk ending up in a feud. It’s not worth it. I think you have to accept that they’re unpleasant people and limit your interactions with them.

minipie · 02/12/2023 09:22

Maybe take your DD to a different room while she calms down? That way at least they get a break from the noise.

TotalOverhaul · 02/12/2023 09:23

I'd drop them a note and say sorry you are being disturbed. We go straight to our baby when he cries - he's not left, but it still takes time to settle him.

Promise to carry him downstairs or move his cot into a room that is not sharing a wall with their bedroom.

Maybe add some ear plugs as a little gift and say you hope he will be past the teething stage soon.

CalistoNoSolo · 02/12/2023 09:23

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. They are probably exhausted and at the end of their patience. Can you take her downstairs until she settles? You should definitely give them a bottle of wine/box of chocs and an apology/explanation, it will probably calm the thumping down.

Mothership4two · 02/12/2023 09:26

Agree with notes and gifts to smooth the waters, but they are being completely unreasonable

Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 09:31

TotalOverhaul · 02/12/2023 09:23

I'd drop them a note and say sorry you are being disturbed. We go straight to our baby when he cries - he's not left, but it still takes time to settle him.

Promise to carry him downstairs or move his cot into a room that is not sharing a wall with their bedroom.

Maybe add some ear plugs as a little gift and say you hope he will be past the teething stage soon.

I feel that this is placating aggressive/passive aggressive behaviour. The neighbours should actually talk to the OP rather than banging on the wall. If they were having raucous parties or shouting then the banging might be called for but DIY and baby crying are unavoidable and they need to learn some tolerance. I think either ignoring completely and being friendly face to face or talking directly to them. ‘We heard you banging in the wall in x occasions. Is there something you would like to talk to us about?’

lavenderlou · 02/12/2023 09:36

It is normal for babies to cry in the night but if it's every night it's not really fair if other people keep being kept awake. DD slept in a room that adjoined the neighbour's bedroom when she was a baby. I was worried about waking them so I used to settle her in another room away from the shared wall if she was having a bad night.

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 02/12/2023 09:36

Bang back. I'm being serious. It's not like she's being a little shit and screaming and making a racket because she's badly behaved. She's a baby and you're trying your best to placate her.

Bang back.

ohnoreallyagain · 02/12/2023 09:39

Please don't give them a card or say sorry. They are behaving hideously - who bangs on walls at a crying baby?
I agree you should try to take baby into a different room for the worst of the crying, but you don't owe them anything else.

Original poster
beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:40

I don’t have a bedroom that doesn't adjoin to them unfortunately. I considered taking DC downstairs but my issue with that is them just wanting to be taken out of bed and carried downstairs every night and thus prolonging the agony for us all.

I do understand their frustration, disturbance of sleep is horrible. I just don’t understand what banging the wall is expected to achieve for them. They do have older teen children so I’m sure they went through this in the past themselves

OP posts:
Mercurial123 · 02/12/2023 09:40

Why are they horrible people because their sleep is disturbed? It's annoying.

AgnesX · 02/12/2023 09:42

As irritating as it is for them it must be worse for you.....💐

Original poster
beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:43

@lavenderlou it isn’t every night generally DC sleeps through the night but this past week has been particularly hard. It does look like taking baby to another room to settle is the only alternative.

OP posts:
WillowTit · 02/12/2023 09:44

rather than notes perhaps face to face might be better,
apologise, explain it wont be forever

Motherhubbardscupboard · 02/12/2023 09:49

I would drop a note asking them to stop banging in the middle of the night because it disturbs you!

Devilsmommy · 02/12/2023 09:56

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 02/12/2023 09:36

Bang back. I'm being serious. It's not like she's being a little shit and screaming and making a racket because she's badly behaved. She's a baby and you're trying your best to placate her.

Bang back.

Exactly what I was going to say👌

Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 10:06

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:40

I don’t have a bedroom that doesn't adjoin to them unfortunately. I considered taking DC downstairs but my issue with that is them just wanting to be taken out of bed and carried downstairs every night and thus prolonging the agony for us all.

I do understand their frustration, disturbance of sleep is horrible. I just don’t understand what banging the wall is expected to achieve for them. They do have older teen children so I’m sure they went through this in the past themselves

Your first responsibility is as a parent. Your needs and your baby’s needs come first. Neighbours are way down the list. You are doing nothing wrong. They are. Ignore or ask them directly why they were banging. Then be kind but clear. ‘I understand that this woke you up, and I am sorry, but I am afraid this is just the nature of human beings when they are pre verbal. We only having crying as a means of communication and until that changes, I’m afraid the crying will continue. We do our best to settle the baby but there are times that this will take some time. You will just have to tolerate it and get some ear plugs’.

Honestly the lack of empathy they have is awful. A crying baby is awful to hear and can create negative emotions in the best of us, but most kind people will also understand that it can’t be helped and have empathy for the poor parents. If I was your neighbour I’d be round with a box of chocolates to show you some care at what is a difficult phase of parenting.

Gerwurtztraminer · 02/12/2023 10:06

No banging on the wall doesn't help the situation but surely you can see it from their point of view?

Being woken nearly at 2am nearly every night for weeks by a crying baby that isn't theirs. Not being able to go back to sleep while the noise goes on, lying there not knowing how long the crying will last, awake and stressing about not sleeping, worrying about facing another day at work tired and grumpy. You chose the baby, they didn't. You don't know what's going on in their lives right now that makes your baby screaming them awake at 2am is the last straw. I cried a few times from sheer exhaustion & frustration due to next door's screaming kids.- it's been absolute hell in the past especially the 5 years when there were kids aged 3months - 10yr in a 2 bedroom flat with no regular bedtime and lots of night time wakings.

Objectively they know banging on the wall won't change anything but they must be at end of their tether. I dread the day another neighbour with young kids moves in next door/above me Current ones are child free/have one older child and I hope they never leave.

NoTouch · 02/12/2023 10:12

They do have older teen children so I’m sure they went through this in the past themselves

That doesn't mean they need to endure listening to someone else's crying toddler every night for an hour at 2am. Wrap your dc in a blanket and take them to another room that isnt directly next to ndn bedroom to settle. We used to take ds into our bed as he would settle quickly there.

Mercurial123 · 02/12/2023 10:12

Devilsmommy · 02/12/2023 09:56

Exactly what I was going to say👌

Show quote history

Great way to resolve the issue 🙄

HauntedPencil · 02/12/2023 10:12

Yes being woken up by a crying baby isn't pleasant but also yes banging the wall is ridiculous and also a bit horrible?

Saying that I think the note saying I'm sorry about the disturbed nights recently, we do always immediately comfort/go to x to try and get them back to sleep to minimise the distribution for you.

But come on seriously banging the wall? What's the baby going to do think oh shit I've upset Norman next door id best chill out. Confused

Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 10:13

Gerwurtztraminer · 02/12/2023 10:06

No banging on the wall doesn't help the situation but surely you can see it from their point of view?

Being woken nearly at 2am nearly every night for weeks by a crying baby that isn't theirs. Not being able to go back to sleep while the noise goes on, lying there not knowing how long the crying will last, awake and stressing about not sleeping, worrying about facing another day at work tired and grumpy. You chose the baby, they didn't. You don't know what's going on in their lives right now that makes your baby screaming them awake at 2am is the last straw. I cried a few times from sheer exhaustion & frustration due to next door's screaming kids.- it's been absolute hell in the past especially the 5 years when there were kids aged 3months - 10yr in a 2 bedroom flat with no regular bedtime and lots of night time wakings.

Objectively they know banging on the wall won't change anything but they must be at end of their tether. I dread the day another neighbour with young kids moves in next door/above me Current ones are child free/have one older child and I hope they never leave.

Banging on the wall is passive aggressive at best, aggressive at worst. It is shit behaviour and should not result in any behaviour change from the OP.

Of course, we can all see it from the neighbours point of view. It’s horrible being woken up. No one enjoys the sound of a crying baby. Few of us can tune it out. That’s evolution for you. But her neighbours are not showing any empathy for her so why should she show any for them? There is nothing they can do. They shouldn’t change their parenting decision based on aggressive behaviour from unempathic, poorly regulated, adults. Most people could wake up, understand that this is a temporary phase of development FOR US ALL (I am sure you kept adults awake with your caring as a baby or did you come out of the womb expressing your needs verbally?), get some ear plugs in, or put on an audio book or similar to adjust to the temporary and unavoidable situation.

FrenchandSaunders · 02/12/2023 10:14

This is just one of the downsides of being attached to someone else. You aren’t hosting late parties or playing loud music. It’s a baby and it can’t be helped. They need to wear ear plugs or move rooms themselves.

I wouldn’t dream of banging on someone’s wall like that …. absolute arseholes.