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Original poster

Neighbours banging wall at night

267 replies

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:14

Just looking for opinions on this, I don’t think we are in the wrong but I’m struggling to understand why neighbours are acting this way.

My 16 month old is going through a bad sleep regression and teething. It means 2am and we are awake with lots of tears. I go straight in and try to calm things down but it can take a while at the minute so it might go on for about 30 minutes and worst case scenario an hour on and off.

im trying everything I can to settle them but now my neighbours have started banging the wall, I presume to let us know they have been woken. Which I understand is frustrating but I’m not sure what they are wanting to achieve.

are they just horrible people, should I say something? They haven’t liked us since we moved in due to Diy during the day in the first month we moved however not during unsociable hours.

aibu to be annoyed or are they?

OP posts:
HaddawayAndShite · 02/12/2023 12:16

Until they act like the adults they supposedly are, I would be doing sweet fuck all. If there is a problem they can come and speak to you like grown ups and you work out an amicable solution or agreement together. You don’t bang on a wall like an absolute caveman and expect to get results.

GuitarGeorgina · 02/12/2023 12:18

Chances are that they’re not horrible people just very tired ones at the end of their tether with broken sleep. Nobody is at their most rational or forgiving if disturbed in the night.

i think the idea of an apologetic and friendly note with an offer to chat over a cup of tea is an excellent one.

and don’t suggest they get earplugs! They can work that out for themselves and it will probably piss them off. And it is true that not not everyone can wear them (I can’t).

Greenfinch7 · 02/12/2023 12:32

The neighbours might not realise that you are trying to comfort the baby and might think you are just ignoring the crying. I would tel them you are trying...

(Just as an aside, I know that many people don't agree with this, but our 3 all slept with us and breastfed at night when they woke and they never cried for more than a moment, except under extraordinary circumstances.)

NoTouch · 02/12/2023 12:32

HaddawayAndShite · 02/12/2023 12:16

Until they act like the adults they supposedly are, I would be doing sweet fuck all. If there is a problem they can come and speak to you like grown ups and you work out an amicable solution or agreement together. You don’t bang on a wall like an absolute caveman and expect to get results.

Pot kettle black? NDNs bang on the wall for the first time out of pure frustration, as this is the 2nd/3rd night of being woken by ongoing crying and not being able to do anything else when in bed at 2am. They hope it lets the OP know they are being disturbed and the OP takes action the next night. The OP doesn't and they bang again to let OP know they are being disturbed again, or because they think the OP didn't hear the first time as nothing changed, again its 2am so nothing else they can do and hoping the OP is considerate and takes action.

Why on earth do they also need to speak to the OP, the OP heard, the OP knows they are repeatedly disturbing their NDNs for significant periods of time in the middle of the night but chooses to do nothing about it. That isn't very grown up either. The OPs household is the one that is causing the problem and should be the grown up dealing with it.

Chipsatsunset · 02/12/2023 12:34

I would tackle it head on by going round and sympathising about their disturbed sleep. It’s hard enough being woken up and kept awake by our own babies, who we love. Another persons baby crying, however normal and just a phase, isn’t pleasant to have to cope with.

i would take your little one with you (being able to put a face to the howling can help them see your baby as a little person, rather than just a screeching noise). I would tell them you know they must be so tired and fed up, but that you are doing absolutely everything you can to settle your little one as quickly as you can. If you can bring yourself to give your toddler a little box of chocolates to hand to them, it would be a hard person who wouldn’t feel a little bit better about the situation. This is no nobody’s fault, but empathy and recognition that this can’t be fun for them, can make a huge difference.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:38

Well said, @NoTouch

Having the baby hand over the chocolates is pretty manipulative. It doesn't solve the sleep deprivation issues.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:40

She should not adapt her parenting to the needs of another adult.

This sums up the whole problem with today's parents. No one matters beyond their household.

Chipsatsunset · 02/12/2023 12:44

Having the baby hand over the chocolates is pretty manipulative. It doesn't solve the sleep deprivation issues.

but nothing is going to solve the sleep deprivation. Chocolates are a small acknowledgement that it’s not fun for them to have to put up with. And ok, OP can hand them to neighbour themselves.

Lochness1975 · 02/12/2023 12:45

My last house was hell with a baby. Trying to get up and drive anything up to 4 hours for work after zero sleep, then work all day was so difficult, I used to feel sick as I was so tired. It then went to toddler screeching and crying at night. I eventually moved. I now get a full nights sleep with peaceful neighbours.

For the record I do have children, but we’d take our downstairs if they woke crying, so that neighbours weren’t disturbed.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:47

Justaquickthankyoumessage · 02/12/2023 11:17

Don't give them gifts or mess up your night by taking your toddler downstairs in the night. How does that help you settle them?

If they want to live somewhere without neighbour noise then they need to buy a detached house. If they can't afford to then they need to suck up hearing neighbour noise. It's a crying baby, not an all night raver.

They don't even have the decency to knock during the day and talk to you, they just bang on the wall, it's aggressive and shouldn't be encouraged. "They must be exhausted"?? They're not the ones actually getting up with a toddler. OP is the exhausted one who should show compassion to their neighbours despite their neighbours not showing compassion to them? No.

But that goes both ways. What if they decide to create a loud disturbance on their side, maybe around midnight. Loud sex, a shouty game, loud "argument" night after night. Waking the baby.

Wonder how many would empathize.

They've endured 16 months and only complained recently. I think they're pretty kind overall.

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 12:54

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:40

She should not adapt her parenting to the needs of another adult.

This sums up the whole problem with today's parents. No one matters beyond their household.

I agree.

The op hasn't gone into detail about how she soothes her child beyond just "going in". Whatever she is/isn't doing, taking 30mins to soothe at that age is quite long: even my perennially-sleepless dd wouldn't scream for that long at that age. It's beyond the colic age.

Is op using calpol to soothe the teething pain? Co sleeping? Breastfeeding? Teething powder?

Her current strategy is ineffectual and the neighbours know this and have got fed up.

vivainsomnia · 02/12/2023 12:55

They knock because they are so frustrated. Can't you understand that. 1/2 h to 1 hour crying is very long. Why is your baby at 16 months old crying like that? Is he poorly.

And yes, you shouldn't expect them to cope with your inconvenience. Your priority should be to stop your baby crying and ensure the least impact on your neighbour. It's your issue, not theirs.

SurelySmartie · 02/12/2023 13:00

This isn’t a unique situation.

Nothing you can say will make them understand,

They probably do understand having children of their own and yes babies crying is normal. But your neighbours have the right to an undisturbed night’s sleep. This may be impacting not just on the quality of their life but their abilities to do their jobs. It could be driving them to distraction and impacting on their health. Regardless of whether a baby is a ‘non verbal human’.

There probably are other options to try (downstairs, same room) but these are more of an inconvenience for op and partner…

TheHouseElf · 02/12/2023 13:16

Is there anyway you can re-arrange your bedrooms so child's bed/cot isn't against your party wall - if it currently is? Think it would be best for neighbour relations if you went and talked to them, or at least dropped off a note, to apologise and explain about the noise disturbance.

This situation will pass, but while its there, maybe best to take your little one downstairs and try and lessen the disturbance on your neighbours.

CustardySergeant · 02/12/2023 13:18

It may be one of their teenagers doing the banging.

Puddypuds · 02/12/2023 13:29

Awful neighbours! When ours were having long term issues with their little boy I saw our neighbour and asked if she was doing ok. He was screaming through the night. Her first reaction was to apologise but I let her know that I was absolutely not complaining. Just checking they were all ok as he was about two. Turns out he has a serious medical condition which caused pain particularly at night.
Your neighbours don't sound great but maybe broaching it with them might make them a bit more tolerant.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/12/2023 13:29

Womencanlift · 02/12/2023 10:24

Do not give them ear plugs as a “gift”, that is just a passive aggressive move

I agree. If someone did that to me when I was tired and grumpy anyway I'd be telling them to shove their ear plugs!

margotrose · 02/12/2023 13:36

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/12/2023 13:29

I agree. If someone did that to me when I was tired and grumpy anyway I'd be telling them to shove their ear plugs!

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Same applies to chocolates and wine, tbh!

Makkacakka · 02/12/2023 13:41

Mercurial123 · 02/12/2023 09:40

Why are they horrible people because their sleep is disturbed? It's annoying.

Nobody said they were horrible people because they're sleep was disturbed, did they? They are horrible people for banging on the wall, when the crying can't be helped much.

CuriousMoe · 02/12/2023 13:43

I agree with dropping them a note with a bottle of wine/something similar explaining the situation. When our little one was having a bad time I pre-empted any complaints by posting a notice on our block Facebook group (we live in a flat) and knocked on our immediate neighbours doors with advanced apologies. Overall all comments were sympathetic and we received no complaints. Other than that there isn’t a huge amount you can do apart from soothing your little one in a different room. Moving their room completely may cause further disruption for a longer period of time for all involved.

You’re doing the best you can. I sympathise with your neighbours but I feel that if you live in a property with neighbours there are going to be periods of time with noise disruption be it works noise, parties, babies etc… but I live in London so perhaps I’m just more accustomed to there always being noise around.

Makkacakka · 02/12/2023 13:45

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:47

But that goes both ways. What if they decide to create a loud disturbance on their side, maybe around midnight. Loud sex, a shouty game, loud "argument" night after night. Waking the baby.

Wonder how many would empathize.

They've endured 16 months and only complained recently. I think they're pretty kind overall.

Show quote history

All those examples can be helped. You can't stop a toddler from being upset sometimes (other than trying your best consoling them, which doesn't always work as quick as we'd like). This is why I choose to co-sleep. But then I get judged by another set of people. Parents will always be judged.

SnowflakeSparkles · 02/12/2023 13:49

It’s selfishness on their part and I’m sick of people treating parents with young kids that the needs of everyone else in the world is more important than their child’s because “it’s annoying to hear them”.

The fact that it’s often people who have grown or older children makes it worse.

Muchof · 02/12/2023 13:51

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:40

I don’t have a bedroom that doesn't adjoin to them unfortunately. I considered taking DC downstairs but my issue with that is them just wanting to be taken out of bed and carried downstairs every night and thus prolonging the agony for us all.

I do understand their frustration, disturbance of sleep is horrible. I just don’t understand what banging the wall is expected to achieve for them. They do have older teen children so I’m sure they went through this in the past themselves

So you aren’t even trying to reduce the impact on them, I don’t think you can complain about wall banging in that case.

Mercurial123 · 02/12/2023 13:54

Makkacakka · 02/12/2023 13:41

Nobody said they were horrible people because they're sleep was disturbed, did they? They are horrible people for banging on the wall, when the crying can't be helped much.

Edited
Show quote history

Thanks, I understood the post, but thanks for your input. Banging on the wall doesn't make someone horrible it means they are annoyed and sleep deprived. Is that better?

Murpe · 02/12/2023 13:57

There is a way to help alleviate the neighbours' sleep deprivation, and that is to go downstairs. It won't be forever, I did this all the time when DS was a baby. It's not ideal, but why not reduce the amount of people losing sleep where possible. Keeping good relations with neighbours is a worthwhile investment, and you might find it hard to object noise they make in future.