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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours banging wall at night

267 replies

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:14

Just looking for opinions on this, I don’t think we are in the wrong but I’m struggling to understand why neighbours are acting this way.

My 16 month old is going through a bad sleep regression and teething. It means 2am and we are awake with lots of tears. I go straight in and try to calm things down but it can take a while at the minute so it might go on for about 30 minutes and worst case scenario an hour on and off.

im trying everything I can to settle them but now my neighbours have started banging the wall, I presume to let us know they have been woken. Which I understand is frustrating but I’m not sure what they are wanting to achieve.

are they just horrible people, should I say something? They haven’t liked us since we moved in due to Diy during the day in the first month we moved however not during unsociable hours.

aibu to be annoyed or are they?

OP posts:
Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 15:34

waytooearlyforthis · 02/12/2023 12:12

The OP should absolutely NOT use a dummy if she doesn’t want to. She should not adapt her parenting to the needs of another adult. When you were a baby, how did you express your needs? Verbally? No. By crying. It’s a fact of human development that we need to express our needs by crying. It’s evolution and survival and can not nor should not be suppressed. The adults with fully developed brains should learn to regulate themselves, adapt and use their fully developed frontal cortex to do some rationale thinking. Not aggressively attack parents for doing …. Parenting!!!

Really ridiculous comment the next door neighbours don't have to pander to the parents decisions to have children. The neighbours may have particular needs that means they need more sleep e.g epilepsy. The world does not revolve around children I think some adults forget that there needs to be compromise all round and if it's been going on for a while and the neighbours have only just started complaining I think they've done their fair share of putting up with it

A baby cries. That’s how a baby communicates. The OP shouldn’t adapt her parenting to suit others unless it’s anti social. A crying baby at night is just normal. Not anti social. The OP should carry on as she is and ignore these aggressive neighbours.

Original poster
beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 15:35

Mrsm010918 · 02/12/2023 14:52

I swear half of the replies haven't actually read the OP or updates.

So baby usually sleeps through the night but is currently teething and struggling with sleep. Since it sounds like this isn't a prolonged thing it's hardly like the neighbours will have had months of end of being woken.

And I'm wondering where all these magical babies that instantly soothe can be found. The OP says she tries to settle the baby when she goes in straight away, understandably it doesn't always work.

I don't agree with taking baby downstairs for the same reasons OP hasn't. It's confusing for the child and they will want to play and then get further frustrated if they are not allowed. Speaking from experience of falling into that trap with my first baby when trying to make sure exh sleep wasnt disturbed and having a year of sleepless nights. Needless to say my mental health was in the pan by the end of it.

I'd ignore the neighbours, it's probably the older child banging, but if it isn't then it's a cowardly attempt at intimidation since they haven't actually said anything to you.

I’ve read all the replies and thank you for taking the time, it’s good to hear it from all perspectives. For me this post sums up my feelings on the matter. But having said that I do appreciate the impact it has on my neighbours, despite this being a current issue and not going on night after night for 16 months. I can assure you my toddler is usually a good sleeper so it’s new territory for us all.

anyway I think the neighbourly thing to do will be to offer my apologises, advise that I am doing the best I can to soothe DC who most certainly isnt left to cry it out and if there’s anything else the neighbours feel I should do then hear them out also.

OP posts:
waytooearlyforthis · 02/12/2023 15:35

@Picturequestion literally definition of selfishness to think the OP's children trump the neighbours quite enjoyment of their own property. At least have some sympathy.

gotomomo · 02/12/2023 15:35

@Mrsm010918

Babies cry, it's letting them cry for 30 minutes that's the issue, I never had this because mine slept with me, children don't want to be alone, only in western cultures do people expect them to. Bring them into your room, problem solved

Original poster
beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 15:36

Also I’m not sure if it’s the parents or the teens so that’s a fair point

OP posts:
Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 15:37

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 12:40

She should not adapt her parenting to the needs of another adult.

This sums up the whole problem with today's parents. No one matters beyond their household.

Exactly how do you stop a baby from crying FFS? We ALL had to communicate our needs by crying. Tough shit if adults around can’t cope. If it was in a restaurant then yes. Step outside. In their own home they get to parent how they want. They are doing their best. They have to do DIY. when you don’t live in a detached house you have to learn to tolerate a bit of noise.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:41

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 15:36

Also I’m not sure if it’s the parents or the teens so that’s a fair point

If it is the teen, they're grumpy little feckers!

margotrose · 02/12/2023 15:42

Makkacakka · 02/12/2023 14:36

If the noise is that frustrating for them... ear plugs. They do work!

Edited

Not everyone can use earplugs. I can't - they result in impacted wax, hearing loss and ear infections.

I would be pretty fucking pissed off if a neighbour suggested I cause myself health issues because of their crying baby, tbh.

Behindyouiam · 02/12/2023 15:44

@NoTouch no it didn't make me look clever, it made you look like you'd read a completely different OP to the sensible people on this thread.

You need to read then reread the OP, then filter the follow up posts by the OP, then you'll maybe make a decent contribution on the thread.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/12/2023 15:45

margotrose · 02/12/2023 13:36

Same applies to chocolates and wine, tbh!

Show quote history

Very true, and as for getting the kid to had the chocolates to the neighbours...

NotEvenThought · 02/12/2023 15:46

AgnesX · 02/12/2023 09:42

As irritating as it is for them it must be worse for you.....💐

That's not true, the OP gets all the fun and lovely times with her child the neighbours don't.

I'd be extremely pissed off with a baby crying for an hour. I think you should take the baby downstairs if he doesn't quieten down after a short while.

margotrose · 02/12/2023 15:48

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/12/2023 15:45

Very true, and as for getting the kid to had the chocolates to the neighbours...

Show quote history

It just comes across as really manipulative doesn't it?

I have every sympathy for parents of screaming babies but at the same time, their baby isn't my problem and I do feel parents should do everything they possibly can to minimise the impact on the neighbours.

caramac04 · 02/12/2023 15:50

It might be the teenage kids banging on the wall. I know it usually takes a military band to wake them but it could be them. Teenagers are often selfish and intolerant due, partly, to limited life experiences. I’d be horrified if my teenagers had banged on the wall but then it’s not something I’ve ever done.
Your baby is in pain and seeking comfort. I wouldn’t apologise for that to horrible neighbours but would to nice ones.

Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 15:54

margotrose · 02/12/2023 15:42

Not everyone can use earplugs. I can't - they result in impacted wax, hearing loss and ear infections.

I would be pretty fucking pissed off if a neighbour suggested I cause myself health issues because of their crying baby, tbh.

Show quote history

‘Their crying baby’. Have you never been a ‘crying baby’ then. Never cried? Came out verbal?

AgnesX · 02/12/2023 15:55

NotEvenThought · 02/12/2023 15:46

That's not true, the OP gets all the fun and lovely times with her child the neighbours don't.

I'd be extremely pissed off with a baby crying for an hour. I think you should take the baby downstairs if he doesn't quieten down after a short while.

Show quote history

I would imagine that she (the child's mother) was actually doing something and not just lying there.

Do you remember the teething years?

Chipsatsunset · 02/12/2023 15:59

I think the neighbourly thing to do will be to offer my apologises, advise that I am doing the best I can to soothe DC who most certainly isnt left to cry it out and if there’s anything else the neighbours feel I should do then hear them out also.

I have a fair amount of experience with an ex- neighbour (with anger management issues and an endless amount of time to devote to aggravating everyone around them) and working in community mediation for a while. The best result was when I acknowledged they were upset (even though it was an absurd grievance) and listened and sympathised with them and kept the talk as calm as possible . He was as nice as anything afterwards which was a miracle. There was just one street I lived in where the neighbour’s behaviour tipped into harassment and the police were involved.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 16:00

So basically your plan is that the neighbours can just suck it up, @beebumble552 ??

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 16:02

Herecomestreble1 · 02/12/2023 15:03

Bang back and tell them to fuck off. They can complain until the cows come home about how sleep deprived they are, but I'm sure you're getting much less sleep than they are. It's so unkind of them.

So much for "empathy" and "bekind."

Original poster
beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 16:06

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 16:00

So basically your plan is that the neighbours can just suck it up, @beebumble552 ??

Yes @LaurieStrode thats a wonderful summary of what I just said. I mentioned nothing about apologising or speaking to them about what would help them to come to a solution.

OP posts:
MeinKraft · 02/12/2023 16:07

caramac04 · 02/12/2023 15:50

It might be the teenage kids banging on the wall. I know it usually takes a military band to wake them but it could be them. Teenagers are often selfish and intolerant due, partly, to limited life experiences. I’d be horrified if my teenagers had banged on the wall but then it’s not something I’ve ever done.
Your baby is in pain and seeking comfort. I wouldn’t apologise for that to horrible neighbours but would to nice ones.

I think you've got it here

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 16:07

Actions speak louder than words. Apologies aren't going to ameliorate the sleep deprivation.

WoollyRosebud · 02/12/2023 16:12

WoollyRosebud · 02/12/2023 15:15

Why on earth should they move bedrooms? Your baby your responsibility.

re banging back when they knock on the wall Don’t do that. My NDN tried that trick. It didn’t end well for them

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There was child abuse involved so no it didn’t end at all well for them

m00rfarm · 02/12/2023 16:15

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 16:06

Yes @LaurieStrode thats a wonderful summary of what I just said. I mentioned nothing about apologising or speaking to them about what would help them to come to a solution.

Show quote history

But your solution is to do more of the same. Which is clearly not working. Take the toddler downstairs. Turn the lights off. Wrap them in a blanket. Don't let them play. When they fall asleep, either stay down there with them, or take them upstairs. Don't leave them crying in a room next to the neighbours. Toddlers have healthy lungs and know how to use them. They are not babies.

Mummymummy89 · 02/12/2023 16:28

Op certainly needs to try better solutions, even just for the sake of her child, because crying at night for up to an hour just for teething is not very normal over 12mo (as I said upthread, it's beyond the colic age).

She could try:

Calpol
Breastfeeding (I appreciate this one might no longer be an option)
Co sleeping
Teething powder
Seeking medical advice

I personally don't think taking the child downstairs, as many pp suggest, will help: it won't soothe the child and the neighbours will probably still hear.

But in any case, merely "going in straight away" is not enough.

The poor child is in acute pain for up to an hour in the night; this really needs addressing.

LuvSmallDogs · 02/12/2023 16:35

I've banged back before, I did it loads actually.

Lived in a top floor flat with a toddler and baby, it was temporary accommodation specifically for families. We heard the woman downstairs stumbling in pissed and blasting music and all the arguments she had with her teenager, didn't want to complain as the insulation was obviously shit and they had nowhere else to go, but she couldn't cope with the sound of a two year old dropping a hard plastic toy on the floor or scampering from room to room in socks.

Fuck idiots who live in terraces/semis/flats and can't cope with normal noises that can't be helped.