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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Neighbours banging wall at night

267 replies

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:14

Just looking for opinions on this, I don’t think we are in the wrong but I’m struggling to understand why neighbours are acting this way.

My 16 month old is going through a bad sleep regression and teething. It means 2am and we are awake with lots of tears. I go straight in and try to calm things down but it can take a while at the minute so it might go on for about 30 minutes and worst case scenario an hour on and off.

im trying everything I can to settle them but now my neighbours have started banging the wall, I presume to let us know they have been woken. Which I understand is frustrating but I’m not sure what they are wanting to achieve.

are they just horrible people, should I say something? They haven’t liked us since we moved in due to Diy during the day in the first month we moved however not during unsociable hours.

aibu to be annoyed or are they?

OP posts:
WillowTit · 02/12/2023 10:15

knock on their door op
explain the situation.
face them head on, that should make them think twice before banging on the walls if you can keep your cool

Janieforever · 02/12/2023 10:21

They are just tired and struggling with sleep deprivation. I mean uou yourself are finding it hard, so it’s hard for them . It’s really not about what they are trying to achieve , not everyone is rational when sleep deprived.

Womencanlift · 02/12/2023 10:24

Do not give them ear plugs as a “gift”, that is just a passive aggressive move

m00rfarm · 02/12/2023 10:25

People can be understanding. But if they are like me, very light sleepers, cannot get back to sleep, it goes on and off for an hour, and every night then I would also be banging the walls. Probably with my head. If you were my neighbour, I would probably be trying to survive on a few hours sleep a night - and this is simply not acceptable. Has you tried a dummy? I know you say you don't want to take the baby downstairs as "I considered taking DC downstairs but my issue with that is them just wanting to be taken out of bed and carried downstairs every night and thus prolonging the agony for us all" but it is more prolonging the agony for you (and it is your baby) than your neighbour. All of us parents have been through this, and it does pass. But you are the parent and are responsible for dealing with it. Not your neighbour. Fingers crossed that your baby gets back to normal sleeping patterns soon!

TheMixedGirl · 02/12/2023 10:28

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I don't think the neighbours are being unreasonable. They shouldn't have to be sleep deprived because your baby is going through stuff. They have their own lives and things to do. It seems they have been patient but are now banging on the wall because they are annoyed.

When my children woke in the night and were crying I'd take them into another room until they settled.

For those saying the neighbours should move - maybe they cannot afford to - also moving isn't always practical.

I think it's silly for us to assume other people should just be patient and suck it up for our children.

I do feel bad for you OP because I'm sure you are also tired. I think a gift and an apology would be a good move.

Theproofofthepudding · 02/12/2023 10:34

Perhaps it's the teenager banging on the wall? I do think you should be willing to soothe baby in a different room though

SecretVictoria · 02/12/2023 10:40

Hmmmm….I don’t know. I work shifts and have to be up around 4am, disturbed sleep is really awful. Driving when exhausted is dangerous. There’s no solution that would suit everyone unfortunately.

BetterWithPockets · 02/12/2023 10:40

GrumpyOldCrone · 02/12/2023 09:20

I have some sympathy with the neighbours who don’t want to be woken up at 2am. However, it’s normal with babies and it’s temporary. And if they think that banging on the wall will make things get quieter sooner, I would assume they’ve never had kids. It’s quite counterproductive.

I would ignore them. Nothing you can say will make them understand, and you risk ending up in a feud. It’s not worth it. I think you have to accept that they’re unpleasant people and limit your interactions with them.

This.

MsRosley · 02/12/2023 10:41

Mercurial123 · 02/12/2023 09:40

Why are they horrible people because their sleep is disturbed? It's annoying.

What the actual f*ck is OP supposed to do about it? It's not like she's playing loud music or being inconsiderate. It's a baby. It's stressful for everyone.

Keepingthingsinteresting · 02/12/2023 10:43

Picturequestion · 02/12/2023 10:06

Your first responsibility is as a parent. Your needs and your baby’s needs come first. Neighbours are way down the list. You are doing nothing wrong. They are. Ignore or ask them directly why they were banging. Then be kind but clear. ‘I understand that this woke you up, and I am sorry, but I am afraid this is just the nature of human beings when they are pre verbal. We only having crying as a means of communication and until that changes, I’m afraid the crying will continue. We do our best to settle the baby but there are times that this will take some time. You will just have to tolerate it and get some ear plugs’.

Honestly the lack of empathy they have is awful. A crying baby is awful to hear and can create negative emotions in the best of us, but most kind people will also understand that it can’t be helped and have empathy for the poor parents. If I was your neighbour I’d be round with a box of chocolates to show you some care at what is a difficult phase of parenting.

Edited
Show quote history

I find it ironic you saying the neighbours have no empathy, when OP isn’t showing any empathy for the neighbours who are being woken in the night by a kid that isn’t theirs. She could take the child to a non adjoining room, but doesn’t want to as it’s better for her, has not apologised or done anything to mitigate the impact of her choices on them, but they are the ones that lack empathy.

Sometimes parents can be massively self centred and ignorant. Until you’ve had months of sleep disturbed but someone else’s choices I don’t think you can understand how frustrating and upsetting it can be.

Hankunamatata · 02/12/2023 10:43

Do they have teens by any chance. Its totally something my teen would do as they are a grumpy nightmare when woken?

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:47

CalistoNoSolo · 02/12/2023 09:23

Sleep deprivation is used as torture for a reason. They are probably exhausted and at the end of their patience. Can you take her downstairs until she settles? You should definitely give them a bottle of wine/box of chocs and an apology/explanation, it will probably calm the thumping down.

This. It's really grim being awakened night after night. Especially if they have jobs that involve driving, health provider, etc.

You need to move the child to a room that is not on a shared wall, and apologize.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:48

BubbleBubbleBubbleBubblePop · 02/12/2023 09:36

Bang back. I'm being serious. It's not like she's being a little shit and screaming and making a racket because she's badly behaved. She's a baby and you're trying your best to placate her.

Bang back.

Are they? Doesn't sound as though they are trying to reduce the aggro to the neighbours, at all.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 10:49

beebumble552 · 02/12/2023 09:40

I don’t have a bedroom that doesn't adjoin to them unfortunately. I considered taking DC downstairs but my issue with that is them just wanting to be taken out of bed and carried downstairs every night and thus prolonging the agony for us all.

I do understand their frustration, disturbance of sleep is horrible. I just don’t understand what banging the wall is expected to achieve for them. They do have older teen children so I’m sure they went through this in the past themselves

With all due respect, better to prolong the agony for yourself than for the innocent bystanders.

Mercurial123 · 02/12/2023 10:54

MsRosley · 02/12/2023 10:41

What the actual f*ck is OP supposed to do about it? It's not like she's playing loud music or being inconsiderate. It's a baby. It's stressful for everyone.

Show quote history

Move the baby so as not to disturb the neighbours? It's not difficult is it?

ActDottie · 02/12/2023 10:55

If this was our neighbours I wouldn’t give a shit because they’ve made our life hell since we’ve lived here so I’d just bang back and laugh it off.

But if you want to maybe keep the peace a bit then I’d probably go round and explain the issue and that baby isn’t sleeping and you’re doing your best etc. maybe as others have suggested take a peace offering such a a card or chocolates.

rwalker · 02/12/2023 10:58

At the end of the day noise from your house ( irrespective of what it is )
is waking them
I presume they still have to go and face a day’s work after night after night of broken sleep they’ll be going to work after a few hours of broken sleep

not sure what the answer is but no one is a twat for wanting a nights sleep in there home

LakieLady · 02/12/2023 11:00

I have some sympathy with the neighbours, tbh. When my NDN's daughter was a baby, they used to leave her in her cot to cry for 45 minutes at a time in the night, and her cot was on the party wall. I realise it must have been hell for them, too, but there were days when I felt I might go mad from sleep deprivation.

I didn't bang on the wall though, because I'm not an arsehole and I realise that sometimes babies cry and sometimes there's nothing parents can do about it. And it only really went on for a couple of months.

Redlarge · 02/12/2023 11:02

I think their behaviour is disgusting and completely unreasonable.
No one likes being woken up but to put this pressure and anxiety on you at an already difficult time is outrageous.
What do they think you can do other than what you are already doing.
I understand wanting to smooth the waters but personally id be round giving them a mouthful. Pricks.

pinkyredrose · 02/12/2023 11:04

Move your baby as far away from them as possible, your making thier lives hell.

WillowTit · 02/12/2023 11:06

can you take your baby into your room?

annlee3817 · 02/12/2023 11:09

No real suggestions, but feel your pain, we're lucky at the moment as the house next door to us is currently empty, dreading people moving in for that reason, as we're also going through teething and Illness screaming. Hope the blip passes quickly and they go back to sleeping through

SwedishEdith · 02/12/2023 11:11

Don't placate them. I had neighbours like this. They even did it when I was on my own and working full time. I wouldn't even speak to them because, honestly, what needs explaining? Why do people think banging on the wall of an exhausted parent will achieve anything? Do they think you've not noticed the baby is crying or not stressing trying to soothe them?

RedHelenB · 02/12/2023 11:11

minipie · 02/12/2023 09:22

Maybe take your DD to a different room while she calms down? That way at least they get a break from the noise.

This.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 11:14

SwedishEdith · 02/12/2023 11:11

Don't placate them. I had neighbours like this. They even did it when I was on my own and working full time. I wouldn't even speak to them because, honestly, what needs explaining? Why do people think banging on the wall of an exhausted parent will achieve anything? Do they think you've not noticed the baby is crying or not stressing trying to soothe them?

But some parents leave babies to cry.

Next door have no idea what the OP is doing to address the problem. And it is a problem.

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