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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel RAGE against schools lack of care towards working parents?

654 replies

Stormy900 · 02/12/2023 07:42

I'm so, so angry!!!!
I'm a working parent.
I'm a nurse, so I can't WFH.
Why oh why oh why do primary schools set ALL their plays and productions during school hours when I, and so many other parents I know, are AT WORK!!!!
WHY don't schools factor this in????
My DC has a Christmas performance coming up and it is really important to him and to me that I'm there, it would fill my heart with absolute joy to see him. But school only informed us of the date 10 days ago. I have requested to take annual leave to attend it, but it has been refused by my manager because there are other colleagues on annual leave that day who have already requested, and I've been told my request is too short notice, but I've only recently been informed of the date by school. I'm absolutely heartbroken to not be able to attend. If I'd been given much more notice, I could have attended.
Also, another issue is HOW LITTLE NOTICE schools give parents about dates for events that parents are invited to. Sports day, parents being invited in to see DC's work and class displays, summer shows, Easter performances, class assemblies where my DC have speaking parts, and of course Christmas events. The school tells us no more than 2 weeks in advance maximum. Why?????
In my job, A/L has to be requested SIX WEEKS in advance because of staff rotas.
And don't get me started on children being given award certificates in assembly each week, which parents are invited to watch and the teachers TELL THE CHILDREN THEIR PARENTS ARE INVITED....they invite parents on the afternoon of THE DAY BEFORE THE CERTIFICATE ASSEMBLY!!!!
On Monday, school sent an email to me at 3pm, which I didn't pick up because I was managing a blood transfusion for a critically ill patient, so I picked it up later that day, as I can't access my emails as soon as they come in if I'm working. The invite was for 9am THE NEXT DAY!!!
There was no way I could attend at this level of short notice, as I was due to be at work the next morning, starting at 7am.
My little DD cried and cried. She said she wanted me there more than anything.
I have missed sooooooo many primary school events for my 2 DC because of horrific short notice from school. If I'd had dates in advance I could have attended them all.
WHY do schools do this???
They MUST KNOW what dates they're going to do events on. I simply refuse to believe they don't. They MUST have to plan their school calendar, activities, shows, performances, awards, in advance.
WHY do they assume all parents are eithet stay at home mothers or are in WFH jobs??
I'm SO angry!!!

OP posts:
Girlsjustwannahavefundamentalrights · 02/12/2023 08:15

It seems obvious to me that school plays are put on during school hours, because that's when teachers are at work. Perhaps you should ask the school to give you advanced notice of prospective dates so you can book it off.

CherryBlossom100 · 02/12/2023 08:15

I had a different issue with my daughter's school. They put on phonic clubs and class performances but allow no younger siblings so I could never attend.
I get the reasons behind this but what made me furious is they keep all children in the same room so my 5 year old watched all the parents come in and sit with their child and she sat by herself. She came out in tears that I hadn't come (I had explained to her beforehand.) Its just so thoughtless and unnecessary.

I am a teacher as well so understand the pressures but sometimes a little bit of thought would help these situations.

RubeeMurray · 02/12/2023 08:15

YANBU to: expect more notice and have dates published up-front (as many schools do).

YABU to: expect teachers to work extra hours in the evening, when presumably they have their own responsibilities, childcare etc.

At the end of the day it’s an invitation not a summons, doesn’t stop it feeling crap when you can’t be there for your child though.

Tohaveandtohold · 02/12/2023 08:15

Your school is unreasonable here. I have experience with 2 different primary schools and for both of them, there has always been a calendar of events. For DD1, it’s always a term notice but at DD2’s school, we already have their timetable of events, trips, shows , etc for the whole academic year since the 3rd week of sept, I was impressed. I’ve had to save those relating to my DD in my calendar as it’s easy to forget and some people still complain they only have one week notice though because they didn’t look at that calendar and just waited for the newsletter.
It's a shame your child’s school is awful with this as working parents will miss things if it’s this way they’re doing it but most schools don’t do this.

pleasehelpwi3 · 02/12/2023 08:15

Primary teacher here.
Most schools give more notice- mine does. But sometimes things come up and notice has to be given last minute. That said your school does sound disorganised.
For some really important events we do an evening showing, eg Year 6 Leavers' Show, but just as you wouldn't expect to work longer hours for free to fit around a patient's professionalism commitments, neither do we.
Even if we did put everything on after school, there would be parents who didn't let their children attend. Teachers are overworked as it is and there are more people quitting than joining the profession, it's not reasonable to extend our working day so that every class assembly etc can be put on after school.

Theydontknowthatweknowthattheyknow · 02/12/2023 08:16

I don't think it would be possible to do it out of school hours really. Too much extra work outside school hours for teachers and the younger kids are likely to be tired out if they're doing it past 5pm. However, I do think that your school sounds horrifically disorganised which is the main source of your problem. I could've told you when my dd's nativity was going to be in August. They always give plenty of notice for things. And it's totally unfair for them to be making a big thing to your kid that you're invited to something they've only told you about the day before. I'd be having really strong words with them about that

WhatNow12 · 02/12/2023 08:16

I work in my children's school and I don't get to go to the presentation assemblies and performances due to my work duties. It's frustrating but just how it is sometimes.

Thedm · 02/12/2023 08:17

You’re a nurse. Swap shifts. Happens all the time.

Sherrystrull · 02/12/2023 08:17

CrispsandCheeseSandwich · 02/12/2023 08:13

I agree with you about the notice. They should be able to plan school events further ahead. But the timings - teachers don't want to stay late, outside of their own working hours, to do multiple events. That's not unreasonable of them.

I'm a teacher and I agree. It's the lack of notice that's the issue.

Oliveandrose · 02/12/2023 08:19

This is an unpopular opinion but it’s what I did. Family first, always. Even if I had to take a sick day, I’d do it. Luckily my children are all adults now so it’s not a problem for me anymore. I just always believed if anything happened to me, like hit by a bus, I’m replaceable at work (teacher), but not replaceable at home.

I agree with you so much, it’s poor form leaving it until the last minute to advise parents of dates. I’m sorry x

arethereanyleftatall · 02/12/2023 08:19

Whilst I can't talk about your school, my dcs school gave loads of notice, dates on their website from September, and still we had 2 parents on the WhatsApp group constantly not having a clue what was going on, but blaming the school. '🤯 haven't been told about school jumper day and it's today. Ffs' I always wanted to respond 'well, you have, you just missed the communication.' But there was this really kind woman on the group who would always respond 'don't worry Lucy, I have two.'

SellFridges · 02/12/2023 08:20

We have a full year calendar issued at the start of the school year. It includes all performances, assemblies, science and art exhibitions, PTA events and sports day (including the reserve day).

Still some parents in the class WhatsApp will proclaim they didn’t know about things. School cannot win.

EasternStandard · 02/12/2023 08:20

I would do as pp say politely ask for more notice for plays

Other than that I doubt they’ll do it outside hours they do and certificates I wouldn’t bother asking for more notice

Noodledoodledoo · 02/12/2023 08:20

Teachers can work late just needs to come out of directed time - TAs would need overtime but the teachers it can be accounted for.

My children are at a school who are 50 / 50 in communications, some things I know the dates for really early, others very last minute and poorly sorted.

My school is pretty good at letting me attend things, but I'm secondary so it's easier to cover an odd lesson that I need.

Feed back early communications would be useful, but do check its not on newsletters etc we have one mum in our class who always said she doesn't know anything but admits to not reading any emails from school!!!!

My children are at a school with a high level of SAHMs and it can really grate sometimes, as the majority don't see the issue.

Catopia · 02/12/2023 08:21

Raise with the school, but also manage DC's expectations. It's ok to explain that you very much would want to be there but because mummy saves people's lives she isn't always able to come, but she can't wait to hear all about it.
Or do you have anyone else - granny, auntie etc - who could go to any of these? I know that doesn't help you to be able to have the moment with your DC, but at least DC will have someone who loves him and represents your family there.

itsmyp4rty · 02/12/2023 08:21

Have you actually asked the school if they could give you more notice?

SoupDragon · 02/12/2023 08:21

Your only valid gripe is the notice.

it's surely not difficult to grasp why primary school things are during the school day? Why should staff work extra for no pay? Plus small children are tired after school. It does change at secondary - most things seem to be out of school hours (or maybe that's just because mine were at independent.... I don't know)

You can't please everyone - after school/evening/weekend things are very difficult for people with other children and no babysitters.

CatamaranViper · 02/12/2023 08:21

It would be logistically impossible for many working parents to arrange to get their kids back into school for 6pm for an evening performance. Sometimes DS is in after school club until half 5, I couldn't get him home for tea and back to the school in time. Sometimes he's being collected by a grandparent and I don't get to their house until 6pm so again, couldn't get him to the school.

I think evening performances work for older children but for reception and other infant years? Absolutely not.

crew2022 · 02/12/2023 08:22

It's so frustrating. I really feel for you. My dc are older now but this happened ALL the time at primary school. No thought given to working parents, or parents with younger dc and no family or friends available to take care of them as younger DC were banned from attending.
It created a division really. The school was set up to run around 1950s traditions (extended family and stay at home mum) yet at least a third of the class had working parents who were made to feel like failures by constantly missing things and children who were upset they had no one there.

Longma · 02/12/2023 08:22

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines. at the request of it's author.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/12/2023 08:23

I am a midwife working shifts on the labour ward. Like you I have my schedule set 6 weeks in advance. You need to gently raise this point with the school. You might need to do so a few times, we are humans we forget. I appreciate you are really angry with the school right now. I think your anger is misplaced. The school doesn't necessarily know how NHS schedules their rota. You colleagues could also be more supportive. Can you ask someone for a shift swap? There is a shortage of nurses everywhere. Have you considered changing workplace?

twirlywoop · 02/12/2023 08:23

I completely agree. I'm surprised anyone can turn up to these things. They need to publish the dates once a term ahead of term.

Beautiful3 · 02/12/2023 08:23

Instead of being angry ask the school for more notice, so you can book time off work to attend key events. Of course all the events are going to be in School time, otherwise the staff would be working over their hours. I get it because my husband works shifts, and can never get time off at short notice.

SuperSange · 02/12/2023 08:23

Familiaritybreedscontemptso · 02/12/2023 07:57

I’m a teacher who is also a working parent. I have no annual leave to book. I just don’t get to see stuff.

We do give lots of notice for performances (are you sure dates aren’t in a newsletter or website further in advance?) though the specific letter only goes home a couple of weeks in advance. But we stopped doing evening performances because lots of children didn’t come back to school and you never knew who would / wouldn’t. Then all the children were really tired the next day from the late night and it was a bit of a nightmare…plus it just isn’t in our working hours. I get that might get your back up. But school hours are the times they are. At the end of the day teaching is my job not my life and I want / need to see my own dc post 6pm.

This.

Why should the school staff, who do lots of unpaid overtime anyway, do even more and miss out on their own family time? If it upsets you that much, you need to change your job.

OhmygodDont · 02/12/2023 08:24

I mean it’s hardly a shock that school staff work school hours thus school shows etc will be held in school hours.

Add in why should over parents have to drag their children back out/cancel other evening plans for a show they most likely wont be watching either. One school does a teams link for this thing but that still wouldn’t help you personally but covers those in an office who can quickly hop on.

Your Waitrose shop wouldn’t come at 2am just because that’s now when you are available when the store is shut.

Yes school should give lots of notice for things that are clearly planned in advance this is something I’ve flagged with my youngest school as comms are shit but star of the week and what not well that changes weekly can’t give you notice on that really.