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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

277 replies

Jellyb39 · 01/12/2023 23:59

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car.

I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages.

DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money.

DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve?

It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations.

I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect!

I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

OP posts:
Nomorecoconutboosts · 02/12/2023 00:06

DC was rude and disrespectful re the lift, sounds like they have got used to taking you for granted.
I’d be having a calm conversation - in my case probably take them out for coffee and catch up generally and then broach it during that time. Basically saying what you said above.

Aturtleatemysandwich · 02/12/2023 00:07

Just stop driving your adult child around - part of having a job is getting yourself to and from it without Mummy driving you and part of being an adult is not messing around other people who are doing you a favour.

If they’re actively working all the hours they can plus looking for another job I don’t think I could get too strict about lodge money - what are you going to do if they don’t/can’t pay, evict them?

Nomorecoconutboosts · 02/12/2023 00:08

I’d also be unavailable a couple of times when a shift is picked up last minute without politely asking if you could provide a lift. Make it very much their problem and not yours. Perhaps some boundaries need clarifying/resetting and some basic rules? I have a similar age dc and on occasion I have to speak plainly to her. She is usually miffed but then if I’ve raised a reasonable point there is often a bit of improvement

GodspeedJune · 02/12/2023 00:09

I wouldn’t focus on the money, but it’s not on that you stayed up and went out to collect them only for them to be so rude. Perhaps they should organise their own lifts to and from work if they’re going to take you for granted.

Eatbetterthisweek · 02/12/2023 00:13

What’s the plan for their long term future? I would be focusing on that rather than worrying about their lodge money for 1 month. Can you help them with driving lessons? Can you insure your car and take them on some lessons? Use the 7min drive as a time to give them some driving experience in your car? Help them get on a bit more in life?

Canonlythinkofthisone · 02/12/2023 00:14

Jesus. If I'd ever done this to my mother....Well actually I just wouldn't have 🤣
Absolutely not unreasonable to refuse lifts and refuse a break in payments.
They played the "I'm an adult card" so my response would be to facilitate that. Childish or not.

XelaM · 02/12/2023 00:15

Driving lessons should be the Christmas gift.

However, I would never charge my own kid rent (I know it’s a thing on Mumsnet but certainly never been a thing in my family or among my friends).

Dotcheck · 02/12/2023 00:18

If he doesn’t have money, where is it supposed to come from?
Seriously, he needs to figure out a way forward. Perhaps he can gets some careers guidance? National Careers Service do it for free

CesareBorgia · 02/12/2023 00:19

It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations.

I think I would keep it separate. Lodge money - You say he is trying to get more hours - it doesn't sound like it's his fault he is short of cash, more a sign of the times we live in - could you perhaps offer a reduction in the rent over Christmas as a compromise?

Lifts - no more lifts unless he stops taking them for granted.

Eatbetterthisweek · 02/12/2023 00:21

XelaM · 02/12/2023 00:15

Driving lessons should be the Christmas gift.

However, I would never charge my own kid rent (I know it’s a thing on Mumsnet but certainly never been a thing in my family or among my friends).

I agree I would not charge rent either unless I had to financially and at the moment we are shelling out £850 a month Uni accomodatiin fee which is a stretch!

Sometimes on these threads I feel like it’s an ‘us and them’ mentality when parents talk about their ‘adult’ children. I’m all for independence but they are up against so much in this world helping them springboard to a good job and financial success is my priority.

I don’t expect my son to be grateful for every little thing I do for him I chose to have him after all.

DPotter · 02/12/2023 00:23

Sorry - I'm not clear what you mean by 'lodge money'. Is it rent payable to you or something different.

5foot5 · 02/12/2023 00:27

Could DC get to this job any other way. If it is 7 minutes in the car then potentially only 2 or 3 miles away, therefore walkable or easily by bicycle. Public transport? I would suggest after the "I am an adult" comment and their behaviour tonight that you should no longer consider it your responsibility to get them to work.

Pigeonqueen · 02/12/2023 00:27

There is no way I’d be driving him home. He needs to get home he can sort something out himself, taxi or a lift or whatever. If that won’t work financially he needs to find another job. Or invest in a bike or some driving lessons. You’re treating him like he’s a teenager and he’s old enough to sort himself out. I have a dd the same age.

Original poster
Jellyb39 · 02/12/2023 00:35

Although DC is looking for apprenticeship and other work, they do have to be nagged some times! They're not a layabout as willing to work but also not always actively seeking new opportunities so i wouldnt say they are dping ALL they can. I've informed DC they could claim UC for top up but DC is principalled that it's embarrassing/lazy way out/giving up, which is fair enough but then that makes it not my job to provide a bail out for them to keep their pride?! We will go without luxuries to accommodate DC not paying their rent while DC will no doubt be blowing the cash on fast food and nights out. There's nothing wrong with that at 20 but perhaps not at the household's expense?! DH and I both have a full time wage but have had a rough year with old debts been taken directly from wages, were just coming out of that but obviously Dc doesn't know or understand all the ramifications of that (and truthfully can be very selfish and narrow minded about how things affect them!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Jellyb39 · 02/12/2023 00:38

Driving lessons are a bone of contention. They were put off due to the pandemic and now DC claims there's no point in doing them as they can't afford to keep doing them and then run a car - a catch 22 of current work situation. I've thought about buying a block for Xmas but worried that DC won't maintain and keep on with them to progress so would be wasted.

Oh - sidenote regarding rent/lodge. In a few months when we are back to having a good disposable income and no longer juggling, the money paid by Dc will be (unbeknown to them) put in a savings pot for them for when they want to move home.

OP posts:
Goodornot · 02/12/2023 00:40

How much rent are they paying?

You and your dh have debts and a 9 yo at home.

Your eldest DC should not be paying rent to the extent he's covering anything for the 9 year old as you're 100% responsible for any dependent children.

Your debts aren't his fault either.

5foot5 · 02/12/2023 00:42

XelaM · 02/12/2023 00:15

Driving lessons should be the Christmas gift.

However, I would never charge my own kid rent (I know it’s a thing on Mumsnet but certainly never been a thing in my family or among my friends).

At 20, no, we wouldn't have dreamed of charging DD rent. She was still a student with casual jobs in the holidays.

After she graduated she was at home and still doing casual jobs for a few months while hunting for a "proper" job, so again no rent.

When she landed the proper job, and it turned out to be only a few miles away so living at home was possible, she insisted that she wanted to pay us rent. Fair enough, it would have seemed unfair to infantilise her and continued to just support her.

Yes, she could have probably rented somewhere else. But that would have cost more. As it was she paid her way but was still able to save hard so 5 years on was able to buy her own place.

I feel that is a good compromise really. Nobody was out of pocket, we enjoyed each other's company and she was able to save like mad.

Heyhoherewegoagain · 02/12/2023 00:43

They could massively improve their job prospects by learning to drive!

ChristmasBarginShop · 02/12/2023 00:50

I would sit DC down and tell them a) yes you are an adult and perfectly able to arrange going out lifts, so from January onwards, there won't be lifts to work anymore. (Maybe you have an old bicycle hanging around for mode of transport?)

b) Lodge. You acknowledge that they are on a zero hours contract and rather than a fixed amount, you'll be happy to accept 15-20% of their wages each month until say July/ August (to reflect the academic year). This gives them ample time to find a new job or apprenticeship.

c) Also suggest that it would be wise to save a % of wages for driving lessons to be more mobile for job / apprenticeship opportunities.

Eatbetterthisweek · 02/12/2023 00:50

The point he is making about the driving lessons is how many teenagers feel especially if their parents aren’t willing to support them positively. Saying I’ll pay for ten hours and then it’s all down to you is not positive. Saying I’ll pay for ten hours, we’ll insure you on my car and I’ll help you get to test standard. I believe being able to drive could open doors for future work and apprenticeship opportunities.

Secretly hiding rent money is also going backwards not forwards if you are wanting him to be more independent. Your support, your guidance, your believe in him is better than taking rent from a cash strapped ‘adult’ and saving it. He needs more financial support now to reach his goals.

As you said he has a good work ethic and your support guiding and helping him will be the deciding factor in him sinking or swimming or in context driving or not driving.

CumbrianYorkshireHybrid · 02/12/2023 00:51

There's so many parts of your OP to unpick it's difficult to know where to begin. I have 2 DS aged 28 and 20. Both wanted to go the apprenticeship route.
Firstly, they had three choices.
Apprenticeship.
Full time college with a part time job.
Full time hours volunteering, gaining work experience at least 40 hours per week.
Both knew having a part time job waiting for an apprenticeship to fall into their laps wasn't happening. I insisted they learned to drive at 17. They knew they'd need that for their apprenticeships and I had no intention of being their chauffeurs for any longer than absolutely necessary. They also wouldn't be permitted to put in less than 40 hours 'work' per week. The thought of working for free was a great motivator.
DS1 continued at college until he landed his dream position. He was on a level 4 course at the time. The fact he already had his level three qualification (he only needed to attend college a few days a term instead of one full day per week, meaning more time at work) and could drive were major factors in the company's decision to award him the apprenticeship (building racing cars) over 300 other applicants.
DS2 is in the 2nd year of his apprenticeship. He finished college and sent round his CV asking for unpaid work experience. The first company he gave it to offered him woek experience and an apprenticeship a fortnight later, plus they paid him for the work experience. Being able to drive meant he could get to work. Public transport wasn't an option.
Some may think I'm strict but it focused both DSs into being proactive. It's also helped their confidence and future careers.
17yo DD is learning to drive. I'm fortunate I could pay for all of their lessons. She's at 6th form and works part time. I pick her up if it's dark. She would know if she did what your DS did, there would never be another lift. Nor would she expect money above her normal day to day expenses but she is still a child at 17. She has three accounts for her wages. Half is saved for Uni, a quarter is to spend on extra clothes, concerts, etc. and a quarter for travelling before she goes off to University.

I think young adults need firmee boundaries than young children. You have to treat them like adults if you want them to become one.

User3735 · 02/12/2023 00:53

I think I would let the rent go for the month, or significantly reduce it. But I wouldn't be picking them up late from work ever again after that.

Lokisbiggestfan · 02/12/2023 01:03

So DC is paying you rent because you and dh can’t afford your life right now. And you don’t want to let dc off one month because you didn’t plan better.

Ohnoooooooo · 02/12/2023 01:07

I am sorry my view is there was a lot of drama for a 7 minute car journey. General niceness you offered your child a lift in the snow? WTF? Yes it was a pain you could not have your friday drink and your 9 year old and you went for a 14min round trip on a cold night....he should have called before you left - but since you were picking him up at the end of his shift and your journey was only 7mins maybe it was a timing issue. I am guessing his whole 'I'm a adult' comment was more about him going out for a drive with his friends on a Friday night after work rather than going home with you when you wanted him to because you were upset about missing your friday night drink and had a 14min wasted car journey?
You mention your husband in your post but not why the 9 year old could not stay with him.

Eatbetterthisweek · 02/12/2023 01:15

Belief not believe it’s late I’m sure I’ve made kids of typos!

Talk to him tomorrow. Don’t stay angry.