Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

[Jellyb39]

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car.

I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages.

DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money.

DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve?

It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations.

I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect!

I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

It was also -2 last night so would have taken me 10 minutes to defrost the car!

You made that up. Rent is being charged because
DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free.

Op says they will go without luxuries if DC doesn't pay rent. That's quite different. They will go without luxuries because they're subsidising an adult DC who is working.

Let her off with the lodge money but not so many Christmas presents??? Maybe then she will realize she can't have it both ways. Also I would stop being her taxi service...... good luck x

I would have a serious chat about how it was not ok to refuse the lift after you had got your 9 year old to wait up and come out in the cold. They should have texted you to let you know ahead of time.

But I wouldn’t give my child lodge money as a Christmas present. It sounds as though they are trying to work more or find something else and I don’t know what else you can ask. I would write that month off at least and give them a normal Christmas present. Yes, they were rude, but make it clear that you are not a taxi service and that ‘adulting’ means being able to get home from work on your own or at the very least communicating properly.

Well as an adult DC can arrange their own lift.

Hmm, I couldn't charge my DC rent, unless I was on the bones of my arse. Life is hard enough for young adults and mine are saving hard for deposits on their own properties.
Neither would I waste money on driving lessons, I've taught 3 kids to drive, 2 passed first time, it's not hard.

Is the gift you've bought them something she actually wants? If not then i think it's fair enough (and actually quite mature) for her to say don't buy me a present use that instead. She could have just said sorry don't have any money you'll have to wait until next month, presumably its not as though you'd kick her out! Whether you think it's a good Christmas gift or it is irrelevant.

The other stuff is rude though, I agree with the posters that it would be a more relevant/appropriate consequence to not make yourself available for lifts in the future, after all "adults" are responsible for their own transport.

For me the natural consequence is no more lifts. My parents would not drive us around at that age.

however, my parents never charged me a penny to live at home, and i moved out of their house (post uni) to a house id bought in savings from not paying any rent. My mum also insisted all of our 17 bday presents be driving lessons and our 18 were (very old and cheap) cars. For my mum driving meant independence and being able to leave bad situations. They enabled us when still children to not need lifts.

Can you get the block of driving lessons and then continue letting them practice in your car ? I think being able to drive is part of securing a job and being able to get to it .
20 is old enough to have an explanation about family finances . If he’s an adult living at home then he is part of the team

Sit down when you're both calm and talk it through. It's so tough for young adults at the moment and unfortunately, I don't think it's going to get any easier. Agree that if they make alternative arrangements, they text you to say. They probably want to be an independent adult and are angry and vexed that they can't be, despite their efforts.

Then work out some arrangement re. the lodging money and driving. Can you reduce the rent by the cost of driving lessons? That's what my mum did for me. She'd bought my brother driving lessons but couldn't afford to do the same for me, so that was the compromise we came up with. And once I was OK without dual controls, she took me out in her car for practice. I think it's getting to the bottom of their behaviour, and helping them without pandering to them.

This.

And say if they are an adult they can move out and not live with mummy and daddy.

Or they can suck it up and learn to respect you and the impact their actions have on you and their sibling.

A working adult should contribute to the home they live in.

This 100%. This was my norm when I was a young adult and the same for my friends

Saying it’s awful to do that to a child and that parents should be saving in an ISA for their children’s future is a privilege and unfortunately not the norm for all. To not recognise that, well that’s a problem for you and not the parent that is charging dig money

As pp said I wouldn’t have felt comfortable going off and enjoying myself with my disposable income while the household income was struggling, regardless of the circumstances that led to that struggle.

So I just did a calculation via turn2us to assess the real financial plight someone might be in as their child reaches adulthood.

Used the example of 2 adults on 20 hrs pw on minimum wage total household income £22,000. No disability in household. Rent £1000 a month.

scenario A: 2 children at home
UC - £324.65pw = £16,881.80pa
CB - £39.90pw = £2074.80pa

scenario B: 1 child at home
UC - £252.44pw = £13,126.88pa
CB - £24.00pw = £1248.00pa

Difference £4581.72

Most people it wouldn’t be as much as this because they’d be working full time and have a bit higher than minimum wage.

But say it is about £5,000 a year difference.

For one of our DC alone we get through £3800 annually, plus childcare £1200, dental £200, £1500 activities. That is before you get to increased utility and food costs, need for a bigger house, increased transport costs, holiday costs etc

If DC reached 18 and they took on responsibility for all clothing, activities, socialising, holidays, obviously no childcare, toiletries, haircuts, transport etc…. Even after losing £5,000 we would be quids in as would most people with this burden lifted off. If they cover some food and their own lunch/food costs while out even better…

But to then say you need to charge them rent because of your dropped income… emmm nope… at least be honest and say it’s because you want to teach them a lesson about life and you want more money without working for it. Or some sort of recompense for expenses thus far.

There is an easy solution to OP’s problem - put the 20yo in full time education, sign them up for anything and your income will return, but then so will all the other costs which generally greatly outweigh that lost in benefits.

Get them to apply for UC, but at least make it fair on them and get them to move out - you don’t get money for rent if you are paying to a relative.

I agree with the above (never before heard a child's financial contribution to household called 'lodge').

She does have to organise her own travel to and from work except in emergencies when can call you. Getting you (and your son), out to pick her up and then turning you down arrival was bad. No doubt her outburst was because she knew she was in the wrong there. She must not mess you about like that.

I wouldn't charge her for living in your house at the moment, she is still at the start of her employment journey. Later on, if she still lives at home, you can do that.

I agree. And all this talk about helping them "save for a house". I see something completely different - adult kids spending their money on themselves, on going out, never learning the value of money and understanding the cost of living, making it harder for them to save in the future.

I think there is a middle ground of just talking a presentage of their earnings towards bills and food. It still saves them a lot of money compared to private renting yet it teaches them to contribute and budget.

Let's not forget that every situation is different tho. An adult child in education struggling with part time work is not the same as someone in full time work spending all their money rather then saving. For me a lot would depend on individual situation and attitude of a child.

I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive.

I’m really surprised by some of these replies!

Your DC did nothing wrong.

You offered to give them a lift.
You offered this knowing it would mean you not being able to drink.
It’s only a 7 minute drive.
Surely you having heating in the car, so I’m not sure why you’d be shivering.
DC was not finished (not her fault) so instead of making you wait around for her, she told you she’d get a lift with a friend.

Did you expect her to just walk out of work?

You offered the lift and then was annoyed that she accepted and you had to actually do it, as you’d rather have had a drink instead.

She sounds like a great young women (or young man if I’ve misread).
Due to not having enough hours, she’s even asking that her lodge is paid instead of Christmas presents.
She’s looking for more work.
I don’t understand how you can be so resentful of her for this.

Is your DH her dad?

This is your child though, not a lodger. If they don't have much cash, I would stop making them feel pressured to pay you, to live in what is essentially their own childhood bedroom. When they leave home and you visit them, do you expect them to charge you for B&B? It's different if they are in a stable job, but they aren't at the moment.

Re giving lifts, who wants a loved one walking home in the freeing cold and the dark - even worse if this is a daughter. Is there a reason you have referred to your child as "they/them" rather than he/she?

Hi, OP -

This is complicated.

First, can we confirm that your DC had access to a working phone and could have rung you to cancel the lift? If they had no charge left and didn’t want to borrow a phone they owed you a massive apology rather than this ‘I’m an adult’ nonsense, but it changes what happened a bit.

I agree that one way or another DC needs to become responsible for their own transport to and from work. How far is it? Do busses run? Sharing the price of driving lessons with you may look more attractive if this becomes a condition.

DC’s work ethic sounds pretty good but not super. As an academic I work a lot with people their age and I do not accept their reasons for failing to apply for UC. I suspect that the act of applying brings up (unwarranted) shame or embarrassment around needing it. It is easier to bury those feelings by deciding that it is morally superior not to apply.

But your family’s taxes support UC and now someone in your family needs it. Nothing wrong with that! Might it help to share a bit of your financial worries with DC? They might feel more responsible , and as if their contributions really mattered to the family, if you did. Young people can really step up when they feel needed.

I am from a different culture so I cannot comment on the rent/lodging expenses dilemma. Best wishes

Stop the rides for a few weeks. Remind your DC they're an adult and adults are capable of sorting their own transport and paying for their living expenses.

Agree to revisit the discussion after they've had to sort themselves for a few weeks. I imagine they'll be politer and more respectful.

freezing cold

When I was 19 I lived at home for a bit but cycled to work. I didn't expect lifts from mummy. This was about 3-4 miles. I'd expect there are buses/taxis available too

You need to have a word with them about how annoyed you were by their behaviour. Previous poster's idea of going for a coffee to do this is good.
I think I would insist on the rent purely because of the I'm an adult comment! I would encourage driving lessons if you can. My DC had some at 17, then went to uni before passing her test and didn't have any more until pre and post pandemic. She's glad she did as she's just got a good job (first "proper" job) which she wouldn't have got without a driving licence.

I agree.

OP offered them a lift because she didn’t want them walking home in the dark/snow.

The DC hadn’t finished and so instead of asking OP to wait (who was probably moaning about how cold is was and how she hadn’t had a drink) told her to go home and she’d get a lift with someone else (or more likely walked home).

I think posters are missing the fact that OP offered the lift.
She’s not being used as a taxi service.

It also sounds like the DC is trying to work as many hours as she can and look for other work too.

I think OP and her DH are very harsh on her.

OP offered!

Do you think she should have said no to the lift and walked instead?

Its only 7mins away.
But if OP doesn’t want to do lifts then she shouldn’t offer.

@Lili132

An adult child in education struggling with part time work is not the same as someone in full time work spending all their money rather then saving.

I’d like to break down the myth of the poor student for you….

Full time student income

• £8,400 maintenance loan (topped up by parents if reduced due to income)
• part time work 15hrs 30wks £3370.50
• full time work 40hrs 22wks £6591.20
• 20% off shopping/haircuts all that Total income is £18,361.70

• no tax
• parents may not charge rent, and may even pay for housing/transport costs
• potentially student scholarships/bursaries to top up the above

Full time worker income

• 40 hours per week on minimum wage Total income is £14631.00 after tax/ni.

• parents may charge rent
• no 20% discount or any other help

In which of these scenarios is the person more likely to be spending frivolously?