Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

[Jellyb39]

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car.

I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages.

DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money.

DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve?

It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations.

I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect!

I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

Am I the only one that feels sorry for the 9yo? Why would you keep them up till gone 11 and take them out in the cold for the sake of the 20yo?

It does cost a load of money to run a car. It’s a fair point. But a seven minute car ride sounds like a very manageable bike ride. A bike would be a smart Christmas present: solves a problem right now, promotes independence, helps save £££ long term, great for physical and mental health.

A thought on an apprenticeship. These are relatively easy to come by in some areas - but in others they are super competitive and there is no guarantee of getting one. What positive steps are they taking to be at the top of the pile?

Adults talk things out and compromise with each other.

At least, that's the idea! Doesn't always turn out like that, whatever the age. I would cut her a little slack, for the time being. She is still learning, and she's got a lot to juggle. It's not easy transitioning from the parent-child relationship to an adult-adult one (it took me until I was well over 40 to manage this with DF)

Work out some sensible arrangements with her if you can.

Yes your an adult and you know actions have consequences you allowed me to keep your 9year old sibling up and bring them out in the cold unnecessary and now you want me to give you a rent break? You want to be treated like an adult act like one

Stop running around after them they want to adult crack on

When I was 16 (in the US), my parents bought a new car and gave me their 11-yr old one.
They were very kind to do so and after a summer job that I absolutely hated, I found an after-school job I loved that I could pay for gas and incidentals and clothes. I ended up keeping that part-time job for the next 10 years.
I felt so thankful to my parents for being so generous, even though the car was old and generally embarrassing - it was transportation. It was 1000% better than walking everywhere and I knew that.
Somehow, @Jellyb39it sounds like your son has forgotten what gratitude means.
I wonder if a great many people haven’t forgotten what gratitude means.

I’m afraid I don’t agree with this “lodge” business under the age of 25 for young people who don’t go to Uni.

The reason being that the government considers that people under 25 are not independent of their parents.

And that minimum wage is diminished for younger people too.

I really think this attitude creates such a huge social disparity.

On the one hand you have parents whose children are going to Uni, if their maintenance loan is reduced on account of their income they make up the difference to support them (as per gov guidance), and very often pay for fees and some accom too.

Then you have the kids who weren’t lucky to get to Uni or an apprenticeship straight off and their parents are charging them “lodge” even when they don’t earn the minimum wage.

Sorry but neither of those situations sit well with me.

As for the getting you to pick them up, highly inconveniencing you and then telling you to do one - hugely unacceptable.

he should be paying his dig money. it’s for a roof over his head regardless. bet he gets all his meals cooked and his laundry done too.

hes 20 what world do you others live in to not take dig money what’s that saying to your adult children I’ve got bank of mum and dad till when??

lifts would stop too after his rudeness

20 is an adult, if they are working then they should want to pay their way

I’m not from the UK and don’t understand the concept of lodge money? Is your DD renting somewhere and this is her rent, she can’t afford it and asking you to pay? Or, is she paying you rent?

If it’s the former then YANBU, she needs to move home. If it’s the latter, YABU as you can’t charge a child of this age getting established to try and stand on their own two feet rent/food etc, that’s ridiculous, at most they would pay for their own phone contract and clothes, any special toiletries they want above the norm, hair cuts etc.

My 16 year old DS has said "I don't like driving" when I pushed as to why he kept saying no to driving on his 'Ls'. I told him that was fine, but that once he turns 17(when he can get Ps here) my tolerance for driving him around to part time work and sports is going to drastically reduce and he had better get familiar with the bus timetable. He suddenly started driving a lot more!

I also offered to match (up to a limit) funds for a car, so he has to save himself to get something. Fortunately I work for an insurance company so his insurance will be cheaper, but I'll work that out with him.

I do agree that as DC get older they need to start being financially and physically independent but it's a gradual process, isn't it?

Seems a bit harsh to be charging a 20 year old rent in the current climate, especially when you're saying that they are struggling financially. AND twenty year olds, are to some extent, still kids, they're going to say stupid things. I was convinced I was an adult at that age...

Perhaps support them to learn to drive or help them find a job which they can get themselves to and from.

It sounds like DC is a bit lazy and taking advantage and probably needs a wake up call
BUT
I don't agree with taking rent unless absolutely necessary. Especially if saving on their behalf....that's not teaching anything.
The fact you need his lodging money now for your luxuries due to your debts is not his problem.
But it does seem like he needs a bit more incentive to find more stable work

So lifts....is taxi/uber available? Or lifts from colleagues?
Part of having a job is factoring in costs of getting there and back. A 7 minute drive I would do of I could but I wouldn't accept being taken advantage off, he needs to recognise how much he saves by getting a lift from you.

hes 20 what world do you others live in to not take dig money

Exactly, he's 20! What world do you live in where parents charge their children to live with them? I've only encountered on here! I've never even heard the expressions "lodge" or "dig money" before 😂

You really wonder why some people have children when you read about how they are written about on Mumsnet.

I would get DC a moped. Encourage him to learn to drive but not take any rent from him until he was working full time. If all he is going is working a zero hours contract, maybe he could volunteer for the rest of the time to gain experience and keep him busy!

I'd probably ease up on rent if you're in a position to save it and give it back later as a surprise anyway...

However taking lifts for granted, and not letting you know a lift is not required when that lift has inconvenienced several family members, and then being rude about it..

Nah. They can find their own way to work. Spend the rent money on Uber/taxi/a bike.

He's an adult and he needs to start acting like one, and that includes taking responsibility for getting himself to work and back, along with arranging and paying for his own driving lessons.

We charge our 19 year old a nominal rent. We work hard to pay for bills, taxes, utilities, food, internet etc.
I don’t see why we should pay for these and him not contribute. He works part time so he doesn’t pay much but I think he needs to learn that life doesn’t come free. If he goes back into full time education we will cover all his costs, but if he’s earning he pays - just like we do (it would cost him at least three times more to move out)

@Robinni Under 25?! That’s outrageous. 18 is an adult. 21 is a fully grown adult who likely has an advanced education. I worked 15 hours a week at 16, 22 hours a week alongside uni and paid my Mum £50 a week at 18 (20 years ago). I was living in my own home with my spouse and a baby when I was 24!

We’re just delaying adulthood and enabling helplessness later and later.

I'm surprised by the number of people who think you shouldn't be making him pay rent!

I don't make my adult kids pay rent as such, but they certainly give me some house keeping.

They need to get used to learning the value of money and paying something.

My mum never charged us rent even when struggling. Now that she's a pensioner, I send her a few hundred pounds a month to make sure she's comfortable.

Generosity gets repaid.

@madeinmanc That was definitely my world and that of many of my friends. My Mum was on her own and relied on me to help because I was an adult who was capable of working, as she had to contribute to her household when she left school and got her first job at 16. I was in uni, living at home and worked evenings and weekends at a bar, like most of my peers.

It’s very privileged to not have to work through uni, and certainly not rare.

He is 20! As he pointed out he is an adult and he should be getting himself to and from work. Yes the odd lift is nice but only when it works for you. And tonight it didn't. As for charging him rent, I think it is perfectly normal for an adult to contribute to the running of the house they live in. If he is struggling to get enough shifts at his current job then maybe he needs to look for some casual Christmas work.

A "child" of 20?

I would tell the adult in question to buy theirself a moped.

I'm sure I'll be the outlier here and get castigated for this view but I would never in a million years be charging a 20 year old on zero hours contract (looking for extra hours whenever he can,) rent.