Page 4 | Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

Jellyb39 · 2023-12-01T23:59:13+00:00

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car. I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages. DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money. DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve? It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations. I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect! I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:23

Did anyone read the part where I explained that you are going to have on the one hand a 20 year old a year off graduating on about 30k a year….. and another akin to OP’s who is on about 10k after all the rent is taken off…

It’s the bigger picture that makes me uncomfortable - already disadvantaged by not having a degree and parents are taking money off rather than contributing to them.

electriclight · 02/12/2023 05:27

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:19

I think we can agree to disagree having radically different ideas.

Personally I don’t think the CB, UC costs will be that different, as they still have a child in situ and the 20yo isn’t disabled - which would increase the UC a lot.

There may be difficult circumstances for OP in terms of health or something else that has precipitated the debt… but it isn’t the child’s responsibility to service that debt. To my mind anyway.

I feel that a working adult should not have their entire net wage to enjoy as disposable income, or have the luxury of saving, whilst their parents have none or certainly significantly less.

I would have been ashamed to watch my parents working hard to pay bills whilst I enjoy over £1000 for socialising, spending on discretionary items or even saving.

I doubt any parent is charging market rent or anything close to it. But a nominal amount, agreed in advance, a token gesture towards the household, is perfectly fine imo.

electriclight · 02/12/2023 05:31

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:23

Did anyone read the part where I explained that you are going to have on the one hand a 20 year old a year off graduating on about 30k a year….. and another akin to OP’s who is on about 10k after all the rent is taken off…

It’s the bigger picture that makes me uncomfortable - already disadvantaged by not having a degree and parents are taking money off rather than contributing to them.

The graduate on £30k will also be paying rent and bills. They'll probably have a lot less than £10k left after they've done so.

OPs dd might be disadvantaged in the long term by not having a university education but not sure why that means they can't contribute to the home they live in now.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:31

Blaupunkt · 02/12/2023 05:20

Funding mummy's xyz? Have you heard yourself 😂
Those mummy's who possibly lose out financially once their child leaves full time education, such as tax credits, family allowance and if divorced, possibly maintenance, those xyz you mean?
Meanwhile, the household bills haven't reduced to reflect those financial losses.
So, if said child is earning and they want to continue living in a reduced income household, then that child should contribute financially.
You sound like those deadbeat dad's who refuse to pay maintenance because he thinks his ex is spending it on her hair and nails!
Mummy's xyz, my arse!

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Everything that child benefit and UC cover can be covered by the son’s wage.

The Mum has got into debt and that is the Mum’s issue to solve. Not to treat a family member as a lodger.

We don’t get any UC as not using childcare right now, CB goes to child’s individual costs such as clothing, education, activities….

Mum would need to be out of work or working part time for it to have such an enormous impact.

Sauerkrautsandwich · 02/12/2023 05:32

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:23

Did anyone read the part where I explained that you are going to have on the one hand a 20 year old a year off graduating on about 30k a year….. and another akin to OP’s who is on about 10k after all the rent is taken off…

It’s the bigger picture that makes me uncomfortable - already disadvantaged by not having a degree and parents are taking money off rather than contributing to them.

Not having degree isn't automatically a disadvantage. Isn't it like 30% who have degree? Not having degree is the norm then, degree is an advantage (which doesn't make norm into disadvantage automatically). Disadvantage would be no qualifications at all.

Paying your bills is also not disadvantage. It's basic adulthood which prepares you for leaving home and not crashing.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:33

electriclight · 02/12/2023 05:27

I feel that a working adult should not have their entire net wage to enjoy as disposable income, or have the luxury of saving, whilst their parents have none or certainly significantly less.

I would have been ashamed to watch my parents working hard to pay bills whilst I enjoy over £1000 for socialising, spending on discretionary items or even saving.

I doubt any parent is charging market rent or anything close to it. But a nominal amount, agreed in advance, a token gesture towards the household, is perfectly fine imo.

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I’m sorry @electriclight

I watched someone charge their offspring £300 a month board even though they were struggling financially, parent has £100k in bank, offspring still struggling.

It can be obscene what people do.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:38

electriclight · 02/12/2023 05:31

The graduate on £30k will also be paying rent and bills. They'll probably have a lot less than £10k left after they've done so.

OPs dd might be disadvantaged in the long term by not having a university education but not sure why that means they can't contribute to the home they live in now.

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@electriclight

Graduate comes out of Uni and immediately gets a job paying 23-30k, they have been able to save for a deposit and buy a house almost immediately (unless in London/sw), they have been able to run a car so are more independent and have greater flexibility where they can take work.

Someone in the other scenario is likely still on minimum wage by mid twenties and it’s an uphill struggle. The charge from the parents compounds the problem, exacerbates the difficulty, creating even bigger disparity… that’s my point.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 02/12/2023 05:45

Blaupunkt · 02/12/2023 05:20

Funding mummy's xyz? Have you heard yourself 😂
Those mummy's who possibly lose out financially once their child leaves full time education, such as tax credits, family allowance and if divorced, possibly maintenance, those xyz you mean?
Meanwhile, the household bills haven't reduced to reflect those financial losses.
So, if said child is earning and they want to continue living in a reduced income household, then that child should contribute financially.
You sound like those deadbeat dad's who refuse to pay maintenance because he thinks his ex is spending it on her hair and nails!
Mummy's xyz, my arse!

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I rather suspect that, as usual, there are some on this thread who live in a cosy little bubble where they can't even begin to imagine that there are people who might rely on a contribution from their child to be able to pay the bills and put food on the table, or maybe just to be able to buy a treat they didn't have the funds for before. It's rather disturbing to see how far from reality some people live.

RealBigBarbie · 02/12/2023 05:49

AllotmentTime · 02/12/2023 01:23

Am I the only one that feels sorry for the 9yo? Why would you keep them up till gone 11 and take them out in the cold for the sake of the 20yo?

This is the bit that jumped out at me too

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:50

It’s not being far from reality, it’s financial planning and prioritisation of funds.

If someone has had major illness, divorce, some other catastrophe to impede their plans to support their offspring then fair enough.

But who would plan to charge their child rent? Not for me.

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 02/12/2023 05:51

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:38

@electriclight

Graduate comes out of Uni and immediately gets a job paying 23-30k, they have been able to save for a deposit and buy a house almost immediately (unless in London/sw), they have been able to run a car so are more independent and have greater flexibility where they can take work.

Someone in the other scenario is likely still on minimum wage by mid twenties and it’s an uphill struggle. The charge from the parents compounds the problem, exacerbates the difficulty, creating even bigger disparity… that’s my point.

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What nonsense! The majority of people don't go to Uni and yet they have been managing for years to navigate life - and shock, horror, many even buy a house!!

I've also known some who graduate from Uni and end up in the same minimum wage job as those who didn't, usually having a student loan to repay as well.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:52

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming

quoting you

to buy a treat they didn't have the funds for before

As I said - Mummy’s xyz.

For me the added treats come in once I have supported the kids through education of one sort of another and they are established in secure adult lives with decent jobs and their own properties.

electriclight · 02/12/2023 05:55

"Graduate comes out of Uni and immediately gets a job paying 23-30k, they have been able to save for a deposit and buy a house almost immediately (unless in London/sw), they have been able to run a car so are more independent and have greater flexibility where they can take work.

Someone in the other scenario is likely still on minimum wage by mid twenties and it’s an uphill struggle. The charge from the parents compounds the problem, exacerbates the difficulty, creating even bigger disparity… that’s my point."

How does a new graduate on £30k, paying rent and bills and everything else, manage to save a deposit 'almost immediately'?

And what has any of that got to do with parents - of non-graduates or graduates returning home after university - asking their working, adult children to contribute to the family home?

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:56

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 02/12/2023 05:51

What nonsense! The majority of people don't go to Uni and yet they have been managing for years to navigate life - and shock, horror, many even buy a house!!

I've also known some who graduate from Uni and end up in the same minimum wage job as those who didn't, usually having a student loan to repay as well.

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That’s usually due to lack of motivation, choice of degree subject, lack of academic attainment, or lack of a background where parents can advise the route post Uni/connect offspring with potential employers.

For instance if you do law, finance, medicine, biomed or something along those lines there is money. If you do drama in a tech college… you are unlikely to get a big pay day.

electriclight · 02/12/2023 05:58

I am a teacher and am beginning to see why so many yp are indulged and entitled. I am staggered that some pp think the best way to parent is to let adult children watch their parents scrimp while they blow their entire wage.

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:59

electriclight · 02/12/2023 05:55

"Graduate comes out of Uni and immediately gets a job paying 23-30k, they have been able to save for a deposit and buy a house almost immediately (unless in London/sw), they have been able to run a car so are more independent and have greater flexibility where they can take work.

Someone in the other scenario is likely still on minimum wage by mid twenties and it’s an uphill struggle. The charge from the parents compounds the problem, exacerbates the difficulty, creating even bigger disparity… that’s my point."

How does a new graduate on £30k, paying rent and bills and everything else, manage to save a deposit 'almost immediately'?

And what has any of that got to do with parents - of non-graduates or graduates returning home after university - asking their working, adult children to contribute to the family home?

@electriclight

Please again reread my explanatory post.

18k from Uni loan/work/parental contribution

Parent likely paying fees and accomodation on top of this, or letting them stay at home for free plus transport.

They come out of Uni with the deposit saved in hand!!!

Robinni · 02/12/2023 06:02

@electriclight

You do realise quite a few parents save in ISAs for their kids from birth and some even buy a property for them to live in while at Uni….

I am not saying this should be the norm but showing the other extreme.

autienotnaughty · 02/12/2023 06:02

One of my dd can't drive when she got her evening job I was clear I would not be driving her (I had a 4 year old too) she got buses/taxis. I only occasionally did a lift in the day if it was raining and I wasn't at work.

I'd probably stop offering lifts if it's not appreciated.

If her wage fluctuates maybe a percentage works better say a third. I agree she should contribute.

CollagenQueen · 02/12/2023 06:05

I think you need to split this into 3 things :

It's very annoying that he didn't let you know that he had a lift sorted. You sat all night without your Friday wine, and you kept the 9 year old up. Probably had to defrost the car. It's a huge faff, and it could have all been avoided. It feels selfish on his part, with no consideration for you. I had a similar thread on here about 6 months ago actually, where DH went out on a Friday. I asked him to text if he as getting a lift home, and I sat in my clothes with water, instead of being in my jammies with wine. He got a lift home with a friend and didn't let me know. I was not a happy camper.

The second issue about lodgings....he's 20 and not earning much. Personally, I wouldn't be charging him any digs, until he was in a stable job with disposable income. Unless you are on the breadline. But it doesn't sound like you are. This is his bedroom in his family home. Let it go.

The third issue, is him saying that he's an adult, whilst in many ways acting like a child. I think that's just the way it is, when they are 20. He is hardly cooked. Mine are 25 and almost 27, and I've had this line trotted out to me as well. In fact, my DD said it to me, just 2 days ago. However, when we go out for lunch/dinner, it's always a given that Mum picks up the tab. I don't mind this, but yes, it does make me think that it doesn't seem to count when it suits. But they will always be my children. I can afford to treat them, so I do.

What is the hill you want to die on? I'd say you're happy to pick him up from work, BUT if he can source a lift, he has to tell you as early in the night as possible. Cut him some slack on the lodgings until his salary improves. Re the comments about being an adult, remind him he is still under your roof and getting lifts here and there, so he might want to wind his neck in.

lemmein · 02/12/2023 06:14

I wouldn't charge my DV rent, especially if they were on a zero hour contract. I certainly wouldn't want them 'worrying' about paying me either.

MikeRafone · 02/12/2023 06:19

i took 15% of wage

this would work with zero hours contract, as 15% is still contributing to the household and being flexible. D.C. is still contributing and supporting household

Sauerkrautsandwich · 02/12/2023 06:21

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:59

@electriclight

Please again reread my explanatory post.

18k from Uni loan/work/parental contribution

Parent likely paying fees and accomodation on top of this, or letting them stay at home for free plus transport.

They come out of Uni with the deposit saved in hand!!!

Show quote history

I lived in cheap part and no absolutely no one who would come out of Uni with the deposit saved in hand!!!😶

Rocksonabeach · 02/12/2023 06:32

Nomorecoconutboosts · 02/12/2023 00:06

DC was rude and disrespectful re the lift, sounds like they have got used to taking you for granted.
I’d be having a calm conversation - in my case probably take them out for coffee and catch up generally and then broach it during that time. Basically saying what you said above.

About the lift this. Keep them separate.

Mine was similar about her lifts to and from tutoring. Basically I take her and then pick her up and it’s a 5-10 minute drive - but she wasn’t considering the impact on my evenings and her brother (I’m a single parent) so it was 20 minutes to drop her off home for 40 and back out about. So actually 40 minutes driving for her hour tutoring so I took her out and explaining this added on an hour of my time and pay and then wear and tear on the car insurance etc petrol. Actually I’d be better off giving her the £20 but for me she is doing something bigger.

Then one day she was rude to me and I took her out and explained the above and pointed out I’m not a taxi service, she’s not paying me, booking me (with me saying no) or the attitude and either things changed or lifts stopped.
To be fair she has cleaned the car and generally been much better since. In the summer she can ride her bike.

I can understand her changing plans at the end as she might not have been invited until the last minute but the lack of contrite apology is the issue - treating you as an unpaid servant.

How much does she earn a week? If work has been an issue then she would have more time at home? In this case she could do a deep clean of the kitchen cupboards, clean under the beds etc so I would accept that on exchange also has well as her helping out neighbours and walking your other one to school etc in lieu. But there has to be an incentive to pick up shifts!

ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming · 02/12/2023 06:34

Robinni · 02/12/2023 05:52

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming

quoting you

to buy a treat they didn't have the funds for before

As I said - Mummy’s xyz.

For me the added treats come in once I have supported the kids through education of one sort of another and they are established in secure adult lives with decent jobs and their own properties.

Once again you are highlighting your tenuous grasp of reality.

"Buying a treat" for some people doesn't mean what you think it does. It might mean buying a cake of chocolate, or a special dessert, something for the family they normally wouldn't buy.

What's it like living in your ivory tower?

LakieLady · 02/12/2023 06:36

Heyhoherewegoagain · 02/12/2023 00:43

They could massively improve their job prospects by learning to drive!

I was going to say just that.

Friend's DD got a really cushy job when she was studying, delivering car parts to garages. It was well paid, too, and very flexible. She's now a trainee quantity surveyor and a driving licence was essential for that. Once she's qualified, she'll get a company car, which will cost her very little!