Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

[Jellyb39]

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car.

I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages.

DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money.

DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve?

It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations.

I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect!

I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

It was a thing long before MN was ever thought of - right back to when I first started working nearly 50 years ago, and even long before that!

I agree. I think charging your own children rent is barmy

@Dullardmullard Until 25 whenever people are considered to be independent from their parents….

Minimum wage is less for younger people because it’s expected their parents still bear responsibility towards them.

It is a bit ridiculous where say you have a family where the parents earn the average wage of £35000 giving a total income of £70000, but the child can have wildly different expectations/financial outcomes based on whether they’re studying a course.

Two scenarios - same family income.

A. 20 year old goes to Uni, receives £7,000 maintenance loan, parents make up the additional £1,400 as advised. And they work 15hrs part time during Uni 30wks and full time over the hols 40hrs £3370.50 + £6591.20.
Their total income is £18,361.70 after tax/ni which is nil.
In addition - parents may cover tuition fees, accomodation (either by living at home or paying their rent), or even fund a car…. Because their child is a “poor student”….. (who is going to come out with a degree and great prospects) (the parents have saved to do this or prioritised their spending for the purpose)

B. 20yr old works at Argos on minimum wage 40 hours per week. Their total income is £15,579.20; £14631.00 after tax/ni. And their parents charge them for rent and other costs, so they are at an enormous disadvantage by contrast to A.

This isn’t to say that B’s income is insubstantial, it’s to say that by comparison to peers they are on the back foot and personally as a parent I wouldn’t want to contribute to further inequality for my child if they were not to go to Uni… I’d be wanting them to save their money for a deposit, pay for a car, driving lessons - things that would advance their life rather than mine.

Others may have different opinions which is fine but that’s my two cents.

As I've just mentioned, charging your children a token amount when they are earning is something that has been happening for a very long time where I live (not the UK). It's perfectly normal in the real world, where people try to bring their children up to understand the value of money and to learn that you should pay your way - yes, even in your own home!

I'm beginning to understand why there are so many entitled people on MN now.

Exactly. Out in the real world, many people can't afford to support a working adult who has money to spend on socialising, fast food etc so they need to contribute to their living costs.

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming

It’s not entitlement… it’s wanting your child to be able to wealth build and be properly independent (homeowner etc) quickly… rather than remaining at home until they’re 30 because they’re spending their money funding Mummy’s xyz.

so you offered him a lift home, which involved keeping the 9 yo up as well. He didn’t ask for the lift?

he was rude when you arrived to pick him up, he should have texted or at least have been apologetic for a wasted journey but he’s right, he is an adult and as such if he chooses to go out after work with his mates that’s ok. Not being considerate to your efforts he handled it badly but that isn’t uncommon in this age group. However he should have spoken to you with respect and you do need to be less available for lifts in the future. Don’t offer unnecessarily especially if it impacts on the younger one like that.

And I really don’t get it… you have managed to house and feed them right the way through teens.

Do they hit 18 and start eating their body weight on a daily basis, use power station amounts of electricity and require you to buy a bigger property to accommodate them…. nope everything is exactly the same.

It’s just Mum and Dad have different priorities, namely themselves, now.

God. I’ve just read that he is being charged rent because the parents are in debt. That is mental.

Better he leaves and moves into a house share, claiming the UC top up and anything else than stay with that!

Do they hit 18 and start eating their body weight on a daily basis, use power station amounts of electricity and require you to buy a bigger property to accommodate them…. nope everything is exactly the same

Apart from the loss of child benefit and possibly universal credit, which could be hundreds of pounds a month. And at the same time the adult offspring is earning a wage and could have £1000 or more coming in so why shouldn't they contribute towards their living costs? As a minimum they should be paying for their own clothes, phone, socialising, lunches and also contribute towards food, bills, transport to work.

It’s not a huge amount but you lose the child benefits once they are not in full time education and if you are a single parent you lose the discount on council tax if there are more adults in the house. If your budget is on a shoestring this has an impact. It’s not like all these parents charging rent are going on Caribbean holidays.

Sorry, but that's not the thinking among the people I know. People here don't live at home for long anyway, they go out flatting as soon as they can afford to. I know of very few young people who live at home until they are 30!!

I would keep them as two separate issues.

They were very rude about the lift so I would withdraw the lifts. Maybe this will help them to see driving lessons as a useful life skill. A 7 min drive is an hour's walk so possible to do, and doing it even a few times might help them to appreciate your lifts.

I am on the fence about their lodge money. They have asked for it to be their Christmas present so are not being greedy or trying to wriggle out of paying. I think my attitude would depend on how hard they are trying to find work, whether they take all shifts offered, what they spend their disposable income on. Perhaps a % of net pay would be fairer until they are earning a set wage.

I disagree with pp who are shocked at the idea of adults paying rent to parents. It is normal around here. Why shouldn't a working adult contribute to the household pot? Up to 18 they are working part time around education, and a child, and most parents are in receipt of child benefit too. After 18, they should be pleased to contribute.

Do not let them stop paying lodge/rent! It will become the norm!

Please see my explanation above. Detailing scenarios A & B and the government’s stance that parents bear some responsibility until 25.

Housing - you’re having to pay for that anyway regardless of whether 20yo lives there. I don’t understand why anyone would charge their child rent.

You lose the CB and UC because you are no longer paying for clothing, school uniform, after schools, extracurricular, haircuts, activities, childcare - an endless amount of stuff.

There’s no way that you should be paying for things like clothes, mobile phone, socialising etc….

But a roof over their head, come on. That sort of caper just sets them up for failure.

Huge disparity by contrast to peers, hugely disadvantaged.

@ithinkthatmaybeimdreaming

How many of them are homeowners?

You lose child benefit, elements of tax credits/universal credit, single person's council tax allowance.

Why should adult dc have a disposable income of over a thousand pounds whilst their parents have none or certainly much less? A working adult should contribute to the home they live in.

I can't imagine raising the sort of indulged, entitled adult that would object to doing so tbh.

The rite of passage here is you get a job, move out to a flat, buy a house when the time is right. Maybe that's when you find a long term partner, or when you have saved enough for a deposit, or in some cases never - but young people here generally aspire to be a bit independent and move out of the family home to forge their own way in life.

All four of my dc paid rent. It was so much less than renting their own place that they all saved enough to buy homes - two with partners, two alone - before their mid 20s.

@electriclight if you get them to put away 4k of their income for four years into a LISA they will have 20k for their own home by the time they are 22….

Which seems to me a better investment… or driving lessons and a car so Mum and 9yo don’t have to travel out at 11pm.

It's good to know some people get it!

I have heard of some parents who charge their children to live at home and then give the money back at a later date, which is fine if they can afford to do that, but at least they are teaching their children about paying their own way.

I have to unfortunately agree (not UK born). No way would my parents ferry me around at 20 like this, keeping people awake etc. I paid small amount when I left FT education to them, it's normal. It was towards bills. Sometimes got the weekly shop myself as well. That's when I learned how much bills are properly.
I was working abroad at 20 anyway.

Independence can be harsh to teach but it's so so important for life

I think we can agree to disagree having radically different ideas.

Personally I don’t think the CB, UC costs will be that different, as they still have a child in situ and the 20yo isn’t disabled - which would increase the UC a lot.

There may be difficult circumstances for OP in terms of health or something else that has precipitated the debt… but it isn’t the child’s responsibility to service that debt. To my mind anyway.

I'm not in the UK either, and agree that independence is a very important skill to learn. It does seem to me that many parents in the UK baby their children long after they should have stopped.

I can still (just) remember back to my early years of working, and kids really don't understand the cost of living until they have to contribute towards it. I started full time work just after I turned 16, and certainly didn't expect my parents to keep me after that.

Funding mummy's xyz? Have you heard yourself 😂
Those mummy's who possibly lose out financially once their child leaves full time education, such as tax credits, family allowance and if divorced, possibly maintenance, those xyz you mean?
Meanwhile, the household bills haven't reduced to reflect those financial losses.
So, if said child is earning and they want to continue living in a reduced income household, then that child should contribute financially.
You sound like those deadbeat dad's who refuse to pay maintenance because he thinks his ex is spending it on her hair and nails!
Mummy's xyz, my arse!