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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult DC BU? "I'm an adult" and "can't afford rent"

277 replies

Jellyb39 · 01/12/2023 23:59

My DC is 20 and doesn't drive but works evening shifts that usually finish at about 11. Sometimes they will pick a shift up and need to rush to work, making it my problem to get them there. Tonight, due to snow and cold but also general niceness I offered DC a lift home from work. Its 7 mins in the car.

I didn't have a Friday night drink and kept 9 year old up as DH out late. Me and 9 year old shivered as we drove to collect DC and when we got there DC came out as not quite finished shift and said lift didn't matter as friends were collecting them and going for a drive. I told DC that is out of order for the reasons above and DC went back in work and continued to text me telling me to go home and dared to say "I'm an adult" in the messages.

DC is worrying about paying lodge this month as on a zero hour contract and not had many hours. DC is looking for more hours or another job whilst trying to secure an apprenticeship. DC is asking for us to cover the lodge as a Xmas present. It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift! DC feels we should support and be more flexible as won't be able to do much as will have no money.

DH is adament the lodge should be paid as a lesson in nothing in life is free. I could be more lenient but after seeing the words "I am an adult" I'm thinking DC can't have it both ways so lodge needs to be paid with no bidding for sympathy and reprieve?

It's two separate issues (the lift change of plans and the lodge money) but interested to know other people's thoughts and how you would handle either or both of the situations.

I am very cross with DC tonight at being happy to mess me about than just tell friends plans had already been made for me to collect!

I feel like the next time lodge is brought up I'm going to remind DC they can't pick and choose when to be an adult but maybe I am being childish with that?!

OP posts:
Tohaveandtohold · 02/12/2023 06:38

I don’t believe in charging a DC in this kind of situation described by the OP board. There are circumstances where this may be needed but if a child like that is struggling with his hours this month and has no money, are they meant to get into debt like you to pay board or what? I can understand you not wanting them to just waste their money and short for cash yourself so you can maybe tell them that they need to pay for their feeding this month as it’s not as if your mortgage/rent and council tax is increased due to them being at home.

What jumped out to me from this post is that you should be looking for ways to improve your DC’s prospects. Like if you can’t really afford to pay for driving lessons till they pass, make them start paying for block lessons instead of paying board and if they don’t, take the money as you used to and pay for the lessons. They have more chances of getting an apprenticeship.
I know people let their children make their life choices but at this stage, I’ll be helping them with their CV, etc to send to companies for an apprentice, being on their neck to make sure it’s done, signing them up for courses, etc as I don’t want them to be behind their peers who went to uni in some years time.

Dustybarn · 02/12/2023 06:43

I’d stop lifts immediately. In the adult world, paying for transport to work is part of the deal so they can get a bus or cycle. Time to grow up. Why put yourself out for someone who treats you like that? Agree with PP, rent should be a percentage of income in the current circumstances.

Hiddenone123 · 02/12/2023 06:46

Op, your DC needs to pay his lodge - this is the number 1 priority for any adult in life. They’ve worked a shift so they should have the money.

Secondly, don’t give them a lift. Instead, buy them a bike for Xmas so they sort themselves out.

DH is correct, imo, tomorrow DC for life outside of the easy and comfortable home. Both my DC had effectively moved out once starting at Uni, both had to move away from home area to find jobs and housing they could afford. At 26 and 24, both earn more than either DP or I.

Its a hard lesson but its one you have to do imo.

electriclight · 02/12/2023 06:49

Robinni · 02/12/2023 06:02

@electriclight

You do realise quite a few parents save in ISAs for their kids from birth and some even buy a property for them to live in while at Uni….

I am not saying this should be the norm but showing the other extreme.

So parents living on a modest income are duty-bound to 'level the playing field' by allowing their adult dc to keep all of their net wage, so that they are not further disadvantaged in comparison with the offspring of wealthy families?

I don't even understand your preoccupation with comparing families of vastly different incomes and lifestyles.

To me it is simple - an adult earning a wage should contribute to their home and living expenses. The amount is by negotiation. What the parents do with it is irrelevant.

muddyford · 02/12/2023 06:49

Why is it up to you to provide lifts? Can he not walk or cycle such a short distance? I feel sorry for your poor nine year old. And get your adult son to start contributing financially to the household he lives in, and, if he doesn't already, to do his fair share of chores.

electriclight · 02/12/2023 06:52

Robinni · 02/12/2023 06:02

@electriclight

You do realise quite a few parents save in ISAs for their kids from birth and some even buy a property for them to live in while at Uni….

I am not saying this should be the norm but showing the other extreme.

Yes. I saved for them from birth. Some of their friends bought properties while at university - they themselves with a student mortgage, not their parents.

But when mine came home for awhile after university, working full time jobs, they paid me some rent.

wiseoldcat · 02/12/2023 06:53

I've informed DC they could claim UC for top up but DC is principalled that it's embarrassing/lazy way out/giving up, which is fair enough but then that makes it not my job to provide a bail out for them to keep their pride?!

If they're not claiming UC and can't pay rent - well, they need to claim UC.

I wouldn't be bailing them out in this situation because it's easy to claim UC.

Getting your parents to pay is just as much an 'easy way out' as UC. I would make them pay in this situation because it's a lesson in life, and they need to swallow their pride.

They're not working therefore they need to pay rent somehow - it's not your job to sort that out for them when there are options for them to do it.

That's what being 'an adult' means.

Sauerkrautsandwich · 02/12/2023 06:54

Did I miss in OP where they specified sex of DC?

PurpleSky300 · 02/12/2023 07:04

All I can say is that I am really glad that I have never had a parent like you, and I grew up in poverty where dealing with bailiffs, living on payday loans, having the phone cut off etc was a regular occurrence.

There's no need to be a taxi service but charging a 20 year old on a zero hours contract "lodge money" - and then still expecting them to have enough left to pay for driving lessons or save up a deposit for a house or whatever - is unbelievable unless you are in dire straits.

My family helped me as much as they could even when we had absolutely nothing and years later, when I got a good well paid job, I got them out of debt. Kindness costs nothing and is always remembered - you sound like you begrudge your DC the smallest speck of help with anything.

Boymum2104 · 02/12/2023 07:17

Forcing driving on a 20yo (massive financial commitment they have to be wanting to make) & hiding/ saving rent money rather than teaching and encouraging them to save on their own is not the way to go imo

GreyhpundGirl · 02/12/2023 07:18

Jellyb39 · 02/12/2023 00:38

Driving lessons are a bone of contention. They were put off due to the pandemic and now DC claims there's no point in doing them as they can't afford to keep doing them and then run a car - a catch 22 of current work situation. I've thought about buying a block for Xmas but worried that DC won't maintain and keep on with them to progress so would be wasted.

Oh - sidenote regarding rent/lodge. In a few months when we are back to having a good disposable income and no longer juggling, the money paid by Dc will be (unbeknown to them) put in a savings pot for them for when they want to move home.

Edited

I learned to drive at 17 but didn't own a car and drive until I started teacher training 6 years later. Once you have your licence you have it for when you are able to run a car. My husband doesn't drive (has never had a licence) but has always managed public transport- even though some jobs have been in a different city so a long commute. If your son doesn't want to drive, he needs to accept he's responsible for getting to and from work.

YouJustDoYou · 02/12/2023 07:32

Holy shit, that would be it for me. Ungrateful little shit needs to be left to it, you're doing him no favours right now, he's already grown up expecting everything for nothing. Leave him to it, he's right, he IS an adult!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 02/12/2023 07:43

Jellyb39 · 02/12/2023 00:35

Although DC is looking for apprenticeship and other work, they do have to be nagged some times! They're not a layabout as willing to work but also not always actively seeking new opportunities so i wouldnt say they are dping ALL they can. I've informed DC they could claim UC for top up but DC is principalled that it's embarrassing/lazy way out/giving up, which is fair enough but then that makes it not my job to provide a bail out for them to keep their pride?! We will go without luxuries to accommodate DC not paying their rent while DC will no doubt be blowing the cash on fast food and nights out. There's nothing wrong with that at 20 but perhaps not at the household's expense?! DH and I both have a full time wage but have had a rough year with old debts been taken directly from wages, were just coming out of that but obviously Dc doesn't know or understand all the ramifications of that (and truthfully can be very selfish and narrow minded about how things affect them!)

Adults get over themselves and claim benefits they are entitled to in order to support themselves and keep a roof over their head. Because an adult refusing to pay their landlord gets evicted and will go hungry and cold.

user1492757084 · 02/12/2023 07:48

Your DC is taking you for granted. I would have cancelled on the late drive home with friends if my Mum had gone out of her way to pick me up on a sleet ridden evening. My Mum would never have agreed to me driving about in bad weather either. Too many young kids are lifeless statistics and your DC needs to make better decisions.

It is fair that DC pay for lodging especially as you might put it aside as savings for them.
Speak positively about them choosing an apprenticeship. Help them seek guidance to write resume and to actively apply for at least one per week. Set a goal together.

Never agree to them reneging on rent money but set up a clear payment plan. Not doing so will teach them to get into debt and to not budget wisely.

Limer · 02/12/2023 08:07

Two issues:

  1. Lodge - DC should definitely continue to pay, and has suggested you give them a month's worth as a Christmas gift. You say, It's a bit late as I've already done Xmas shopping and that isn't a gift!. Can you return what you've already bought for DC?
  2. Transport - this should be DC's problem to solve, especially after their rudeness to you last night.
GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/12/2023 08:11

Am I the only one who’s never before heard the word ‘lodge’ used to mean ‘rent’ or ‘paying for your keep’? 😗

Beautiful3 · 02/12/2023 08:15

Honestly I'd view them as separate things. I'd stop with all lifts. Have that glass of wine. If it's only 7 minutes in the car, why does he need a lift?! I'm not sure what a lodge is? If it's important and to do with an apprenticeship, I'd give it. But would return some Xmas presents, or out of any money I had saved for them.

AgnesX · 02/12/2023 08:16

There are two different things here. So he's an idiot with the "I'm an adult" remark. He should apologise for mucking you about.

His lodging is different, he's trying to find more work/apprenticeship so unless he's actively squandering what money he has think about reducing what he pays til he's sorted.

Cosyblankets · 02/12/2023 08:19

Two separate issues.
I'd be fuming if i had gone out for nothing late at night when it was freezing. Doesn't matter if it's only 7 minutes. I would want to be in my comfies and slippers on the sofa.
Stop doing lifts. Adult enough to work adult enough to sort transport.
Sit and have a realistic chat about finances

Mikimoto · 02/12/2023 08:29

Is it a ski lodge?

user1471538283 · 02/12/2023 08:30

My DS was desperate to be an adult but not the kind of adult where you have to pay your way and figure things out yourself. Me too!

It sounds like your DS was thoughtless. I would be cross that your had to drag your little one out in the cold.

I found between 17 and 19 the hardest with my DS in terms of expectation and entitlement.

From now on he gets himself to and from work. Like an adult.

I think all working DCs should contribute something to the household because nothing is free.

twirlywoop · 02/12/2023 08:32

Oh - sidenote regarding rent/lodge. In a few months when we are back to having a good disposable income and no longer juggling, the money paid by Dc will be (unbeknown to them) put in a savings pot for them for when they want to move home.

Use half of it to pay for driving lessons for them

Loopytiles · 02/12/2023 08:33

I wouldn’t drive DC to their job.

Wouldn’t have kept a 9 year old awake that late, would either not give the lift or leave 9yo asleep alone for 20 - 30 mins.

GrannypantsMagee · 02/12/2023 08:35

Well, this turned into a lengthy polarised debate about whether it's wrong to charge your adult children any housekeeping money!

I'd be royally annoyed by being told "I am an adult" in this scenario, and respond by largely stopping running around giving lifts.

I charged my young adult DCs housekeeping money while living with me, unless they're studying full time. They eat me out of house and home and are great at taking excessively long showers or leaving the lights on. They need to contribute and understand these things aren't free, I have friends who do similar and those who don't, with mixed results. I would give DC the month off but insist on them claiming UC in return. Both myself and one of my DC was resistant to claiming UC in similar circumstances a couple of years ago. However, the jobcentre was actually brilliant at helping them to find better work (I guess that shouldn't be surprising but it was news to me 😂) and also suggested and covered some training for them.

Sincebreakfast · 02/12/2023 08:39

I would expect a twenty year adult to buy their own food. And if single household to pay the council tax difference.
My DP’s generation had been working for 6 years. Left school at 14.
And just because the government thinks a 25 yrs is still the responsibility of parents is disgraceful. Just so they can pay lower NMW.

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