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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really hate leaving my kids )-:

191 replies

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 11:19

I work full time from home, but need to travel abroad once every three months usually but the demands seem to be increasing. This was not our arrangement during the interview process but I keep being asked to travel. Also I get asked to travel at short notice.

I have two little ones at nursery while I work. My H is non existent in this equation as I take care of everything and he goes to work 5 days a week ( leaves 7 am, gets back 8:30 pm).

We could 100 percent survive and thrive on H's salary but with my salary we can just do more for our kids ( private school is the big one for me ). We could also manage this on one salary but there would be more pressure.

Yes, I could also find a new job that doesn't require the travel, but the job market is difficult at the moment in my industry.

Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted.

My children are completely dependent on me for sleeping and I just haven't managed to sort this out and I don't think I will until they are older. Basically I need to co sleep. It's the only way I get some sleep. Otherwise I'm up and down all night trying to settle them. H does not help at night ( even when they're sick ). Basically the kids are my problem. The house is my problem. So is cooking etc. all household stuff. I work from home so apparently I have more time. I probably do have more time. However I do have an hour nursery run to do, twice a day, 5 times a week. Plus I need to somehow get my work hours in. I clean and do chores on my lunch break.

It's a lot.

Anyway I've just been told I need to extend my next trip from 2 to 5 days and I just want to cry. I don't want to leave my babies, but equally I don't want to let down my work. H is also angry, as somehow he'll need to manage and he'll need to do nights alone etc, as well as roping in various family members to cover - as we no longer have a baby sitter / nanny to help.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
Morechocmorechoc · 01/12/2023 11:21

Say no, the more you say yes the more they expect. Sorry but more than 2 days is not possible, its simple.

Morechocmorechoc · 01/12/2023 11:22

Also, your h has got to step up, you're letting everyone make you do everything. It's on you to say no and not just do everything yourself. I know its easier said than done, but if you keep doing everything that's asked, people will ask more

BodenCardiganNot · 01/12/2023 11:22

I'd leave the H. He sounds a complete waste of space.

ManchesterGirl2 · 01/12/2023 11:23

Say no.

You don't need the job to survive, so you're in a strong position to set boundaries with your employer. They might not like it, but equally you might find they respect you more for having strong boundaries - sometimes asking for what you want works out much better than giving in and silently resenting it.

MamaBanana12 · 01/12/2023 11:23

Your kids aren't the problem.
Your H is.

You both need to get some bedtime structure & childcare in place for when you're both working.

Also set some boundaries at work for what is possible now in regard to your caring responsibilities. These will change as children grow, but you need to sort some clear agreement with your company about what the travel commitment is, and stick to it.

Or look for a different less intense role if financially you can.

But fundamentally your H needs to step up to support his kids.

DaisyDoor · 01/12/2023 11:25

Talk to your boss. It won’t look uncommitted.

Your husband sounds bloody useless.

CornishGem1975 · 01/12/2023 11:26

I travel abroad for work several times a year and my DH just has to step up. It's planned in advance so we can book in extra childcare or he can adjust his hours as necessary. It takes some juggling. I don't dislike it though. I have a very intense toddler and three nights in a hotel on my own is like a mini holiday!

ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm · 01/12/2023 11:26

Why is your husband so useless?

Fulshaw · 01/12/2023 11:28

Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted

Do you need to worry about looking uncommitted though? They can’t fire you for that. Plus it sounds like you are pondering quitting work altogether so even if they did, it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Keep the job but set boundaries and if you plateau for a few years, that’s fine. Probably best when the kids are little anyway.

IamSmarticus · 01/12/2023 11:28

What would you do ?

Leave my husband. Seriously, what exactly does he do other than bring money to the table?

Menopants · 01/12/2023 11:32

Don’t jeopardise your job. Your babies will grow up unharmed. It’s on,y a few days and your husband can step up or fuck off

XMissPlacedX · 01/12/2023 11:34

Stay in your job and explain to your employer that it's not that your uncommitted, but because you have two young children that need you there. Therefore you can't travel anymore.

As you said you don't 'need' the money, so are in a great position. If it wasn't initially part of your job description then your employer hasn't got a leg to stand on.

LolaJ87 · 01/12/2023 11:41

If it was me: I'd say no to the extended trip, you have obligations outside work and unfortunately can't be away for long stretches. Reaffirm your availability to attend any crucial meetings remotely as you are of course committed to your job. I'd arrange for marriage counselling to discuss the issues there (misplaced anger etc). I'd figure out some gentle sleep training and help my children learn how to settle themselves, it's a life skill. I'd sort out a regular babysitter to provide breaks or cover when needed, maybe even a date night?

Things like private schools are not worth the way you're living, in my opinion. You need to work out your priorities and your and your husband need to figure it out as a team.

Elastica23 · 01/12/2023 11:48

I'd advise putting your foot down with your employer.

You haven't minded doing this short term, but in the medium and longer term, this is not what you signed up for.

If you don't look as committed, tough, don't try and be something you're not.

Devonshiregal · 01/12/2023 11:50

What would I do? Divorce the lazy, incompetent husband.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 01/12/2023 11:53

Has everyone missed her husband is out of the house for 13.5 hours daily?

You don't want to go abroad so don't - it's not what you signed up for.

ttcat37 · 01/12/2023 11:56

Start saying no to your employer (“sorry, that isn’t possible. Not able to work that around my family life. I wasn’t told about this expectation when I applied for the job”) and tell your husband to pull his finger out his arse (“if I have an extra 10% of time at home compared to you, why the fuck am I doing 100% of everything?”)
Also try and break this co-sleeping habit which you say you’re doing to make life easier. It’s not making life easier, it’s just making it more difficult for your kids to be away from you.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 01/12/2023 11:56

I’ve had to travel on occasion, it’s really tough. I would sit down with your manager and say that 5 days isn’t feasible, negotiate and do 3?

Ask about future travel requirements, frequency and duration, be up front and say that as a working parent last minute/more frequent/longer trips are not easy to arrange.

It might he that this role isn’t for you, it might he that your employer hasn’t really considered impact of travel and just do it because they always have and that you might change this behaviour, won’t know until you speak up.

As for your DH, he needs to step up, why is he out so long in working day, can you buy in childcare? I used nanny/childminder combo. Is he being misogynistic here?

Floooooof · 01/12/2023 11:56

I bet if you total how many hours op is doing of work, house work and kids stuff combined it comes to a lot more than her DH's 13.5 hours a day

CurlewKate · 01/12/2023 11:57

The issue isn't work-it's your husband.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 01/12/2023 11:59

I am going to say something different. I would say your are overcommiting yourself on so many fronts. You will end up burning yourself trying to achieve the impossible: guilt free time with your children, meaningful relationships with your husband and lots of money. Something needs to give and it's up to you to decide what it is.

Venturini · 01/12/2023 11:59

what Use is your husband apart from his salary? Good grief.

FarmersWife3 · 01/12/2023 11:59

Agree with others. Just make it clear to your work that you can't stay away more than one night at a time, and need reasonable notice in order to arrange childcare every time they expect you to stay away. I certainly wouldn't agree to them extending overnight stays from 2 to 5 days at short notice! Many employers are realising they need to be more family-friendly to retain good staff. It seems finances aren't stretched at the moment, so find a good nanny that you can trust who will step up (where DH isn't able/willing) - couldn't you look at a nanny at home rather than an hours commute to nursery to save yourself time and provide an option for out-of-hours care? And start looking for a new job.

pinkspeakers · 01/12/2023 12:03

A 5 day work trip on a semi-regular basis when you have small children and both work is a lot. Yes your husband should engage more, but I also think you should push back against work requests and/or look for another job without travel.

SylvieLaufeydottir · 01/12/2023 12:03

Why on earth are your kids in nursery half an hour away when you WFH?!?!?

Your problem isn't your job. Your problem is your useless fucking husband. No way I'd be taking a step back at work or threatening my job while I was married to a useless fucker who did nothing.

Move the kids to a closer nursery. Lose your shit at your husband. Get the cosleeping cracked (you can afford a sleep consultant if needs be). Then think about your job.