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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I really hate leaving my kids )-:

191 replies

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 11:19

I work full time from home, but need to travel abroad once every three months usually but the demands seem to be increasing. This was not our arrangement during the interview process but I keep being asked to travel. Also I get asked to travel at short notice.

I have two little ones at nursery while I work. My H is non existent in this equation as I take care of everything and he goes to work 5 days a week ( leaves 7 am, gets back 8:30 pm).

We could 100 percent survive and thrive on H's salary but with my salary we can just do more for our kids ( private school is the big one for me ). We could also manage this on one salary but there would be more pressure.

Yes, I could also find a new job that doesn't require the travel, but the job market is difficult at the moment in my industry.

Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted.

My children are completely dependent on me for sleeping and I just haven't managed to sort this out and I don't think I will until they are older. Basically I need to co sleep. It's the only way I get some sleep. Otherwise I'm up and down all night trying to settle them. H does not help at night ( even when they're sick ). Basically the kids are my problem. The house is my problem. So is cooking etc. all household stuff. I work from home so apparently I have more time. I probably do have more time. However I do have an hour nursery run to do, twice a day, 5 times a week. Plus I need to somehow get my work hours in. I clean and do chores on my lunch break.

It's a lot.

Anyway I've just been told I need to extend my next trip from 2 to 5 days and I just want to cry. I don't want to leave my babies, but equally I don't want to let down my work. H is also angry, as somehow he'll need to manage and he'll need to do nights alone etc, as well as roping in various family members to cover - as we no longer have a baby sitter / nanny to help.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
ElaineMBenes · 01/12/2023 12:59

These replies are ridiculous. The husband works long days in an obviously incredibly well paid job, which almost always equates to high pressure and stress.

Does this mean he gets to completely opt out of parenting? I don't think so.

Britneyfan · 01/12/2023 12:59

I’m honestly shocked at how many people think OP has a “useless lazy husband” when he works 13.5 days 5 days a week and earns enough to support the whole family single handed including private school fees. That’s absolutely not nothing (as a single parent I’d very much welcome a DH like this!). I appreciate he should ideally be sharing more of the childcare/housework load especially at weekends but come on, only on mumsnet is this a useless lazy husband.

Honestly OP in your shoes I would probably give up work or at least look at going part time for a few years til the kids are in school. Alternatively I think it’s totally valid in this day and age to speak to your employer and say that with young nursery aged kids you can’t possibly be away for longer than 2 nights in a row every 3 months.

LeopardPJS · 01/12/2023 13:00

Wow OP you sound burnt out, I sympathise, working FT with young kids is tough.

I think a number of things can help in your situation.

Fist thing- hire a sleep consultant and end the co-sleeping. It's not practical any more with your set up and it can be done - if my DD can do it then any child can! PM me if you want the details of someone good.

You also need a cleaner. Squeezing housework into your lunchbreaks while WFH and doing childcare is insane.

Next - with both of you doing such demanding jobs and earning good money I'd be very tempted to reduce nursery hours and get a nanny. Half an hour either way for a nursery is killer when you're both FT. Nanny would also help with laundry and cooking.
Alternatively if you have the space, and you really want to stick with the nursery, would you consider an au pair, who (for minimal cost) would take them to and from, and also help with evenings and mornings when you're travelling/ you need extra support?

Your work is also an issue - I think you're right to be working hard to keep your career ticking over while your kids are young even though its tough - but you need to stand up for yourself on this travel issue. I don't think it looks uncommitted to politely but firmly set some boundaries with work. This level of travel was never in your contract/ job description and you've got young children. They are being extremely presumptuous adding random extra days to your trips. I think it is actually a show of strength to clearly and unemotionally set out your boundaries. Use language stressing that you want to work with them on the issue and how can you both jointly prioritise these trips/ make them represent the best use of your time. I suspect they value you more than you think and would not want to lose you.

You also, as others have said, have a DH problem. You both work, there's no excuse for him not pulling his weight over the evenings, weekends and nights. Also you're not his housekeeper and the kids and house are not just 'your problem'. I am quite shocked by the way you describe your relationship. It's not normal and he can't use the money he earns to opt-out of parenthood which is something you presumably chose to embark on together! I think some boundary setting there is needed, too.

Good luck

Miyagi99 · 01/12/2023 13:03

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 12:17

He works 7 until 7 ish and has over an hour commute.

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These hours are illegal in the UK where you can’t be asked to work more than an average of 48 hours a week. Where are you based?

jolaylasofia · 01/12/2023 13:03

sorry but i would tell work absolutely not and no more travel.
If they want to fire you let them but am sure they won't . who cares how it looks??

TheLongpigs · 01/12/2023 13:03

@Spinet I get what you're saying, but I have friends in this situation and you basically can't have it all. Parenting is a partnership, but if one person is earning a small fortune and working long hours in a demanding role, their time / energy is limited so in that situation the money should be used to create more time / energy in the partnership. This could be used to outsource the work (nanny / house keeper / cleaner / gardener), but as the OP said she missed her children when working away, I said I'd give up work.

readingmakesmehappy · 01/12/2023 13:03

How old are your kids? You clearly know your DH is being a shit parent. He's got to start picking up some of the nights especially, it's not fair if it's always you.

Tbh perhaps you should go away for 5 days and see how he manages it.

If you're both on good incomes, can you get a cleaner to come for half a day a week to take some of the chores off you?

ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 13:07

Miyagi99 · 01/12/2023 13:03

These hours are illegal in the UK where you can’t be asked to work more than an average of 48 hours a week. Where are you based?

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But in the real world many many professionals work far over 48 hours.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 01/12/2023 13:08

Spinet · 01/12/2023 12:57

Disagree. Stress and money shouldn't stop you being a parent or clearing up after yourself occasionally.

Most of these men who work long hours in stressful jobs spend a lot of time doing makework so they don't have to go home and take responsibility for the life they created for themselves, just please themselves. Seen it a billion times.

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I could be barking at a completely wrong tree...no offence meant. I am wondering if your husband working long hours to avoid being at home? I can't imagine much intimacy if both children are co-sleeping. And your schedule is insane. You are literally giving your marriage no chance to thrive. This can't be good for the kids

Humbugg · 01/12/2023 13:10

@Wishimaywishimight I’m not sure where you live but for us we are easily out of the house that long. Start work at 8:30/9 often don’t finish til 6:30/7pm. Trains into London takes 1.5 hours and often delayed on the way home means it’s 2 hours to get home?
sadly it’s not out the norm for many people

Miyagi99 · 01/12/2023 13:10

ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 13:07

But in the real world many many professionals work far over 48 hours.

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Unless you’ve opted out, your employer is breaking the law. I often work 48 hours but it definitely does not work out as averaging over that (in a 17 wk period) so is legal. Whereas OP husband does 60 hours every week so unless he has opted out he can ask his employer to reduce his hours so he can be more of a present father.

forrestgreen · 01/12/2023 13:11

Hmm I see two problems.
The travel
The husband.

I'd split up, and get an easier job. You'd probably be ok money wise and definitely less stressed. Have a look on the cms calculator.

It sounds harsh but he doesn't sound like a life partner if 'the kids are my responsibility' and 'he's angry'

What would you advise a friend to do?

ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 13:14

Miyagi99 · 01/12/2023 13:10

Unless you’ve opted out, your employer is breaking the law. I often work 48 hours but it definitely does not work out as averaging over that (in a 17 wk period) so is legal. Whereas OP husband does 60 hours every week so unless he has opted out he can ask his employer to reduce his hours so he can be more of a present father.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, but again, in the real world...

Circumferences · 01/12/2023 13:17

I think the problem here is that OP feels unbelievably guilty and stressed at the thought of an extended work trip, which actually sounds like something that would benefit OP and sounds like a good idea for her career stability, but he would expect her to drop everything for him.

Can't you ask your husband to take three days annual leave or three half days to facilitate your work trip?

Original poster
christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 13:18

forrestgreen · 01/12/2023 13:11

Hmm I see two problems.
The travel
The husband.

I'd split up, and get an easier job. You'd probably be ok money wise and definitely less stressed. Have a look on the cms calculator.

It sounds harsh but he doesn't sound like a life partner if 'the kids are my responsibility' and 'he's angry'

What would you advise a friend to do?

I would advise a friend to get a new job.

OP posts:
Miyagi99 · 01/12/2023 13:20

ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 13:14

Yes, but again, in the real world...

Show quote history

I’m talking about the real world where I have a life outside work and don’t break the law.

Mariposista · 01/12/2023 13:20

Your work isn't the issue - it's your DH and poor evening routine. The co-sleeping needs to be knocked on the head. Sleep train - get a professional in if necessary.
DH needs to take responsibility when you are away. He is a parent too.

Choux · 01/12/2023 13:26

If a family is going to have two full on careers you need a nanny or other reliable childcare and a cleaner as a minimum.

You also need both employers to be aware that family live runs to a tight schedule and one or other of you will sometimes have to drop work for sick kids, childcare pick ups etc. Plus your employer needs to know you can't always accommodate last minute trips and suddenly extended trips.

You also need a husband who is appreciative of the fact that he isn't sole breadwinner and in return steps up to take his share of chores, childcare at evenings and weekends etc.

Without these three things it just isn't possible.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/12/2023 13:27

TheLongpigs · 01/12/2023 12:45

These replies are ridiculous. The husband works long days in an obviously incredibly well paid job, which almost always equates to high pressure and stress.

If I were you I would give up work and spend these years with my children. You could still consider private school from 14+ (possibly 8+ if finances slowed), but any earlier is usually a waste of money.

Do not give up your job, do not listen this shit advice or you will end up without your own money and completely dependant on what sounds like a half-hearted husband and father.

Mirabai · 01/12/2023 13:28

I would get a new husband, but failing that I would go on the 5 day trip to focus his mind on quite how much you do and how how much he would have to do if you split up. You also need a cleaner.

Yetmorebeanstocount · 01/12/2023 13:28

Op - Mumsnet is very much a site that firmly believes in 100% equality in a marriage, and that if men are not doing their 50% of housework and childcare then they are a waste of space and you should divorce immediately.

In your case, it sounds like you have a different type of arrangement with your DH and different priorities, i.e. that he should earn enough to pay for private school. That is fine if it is what you agreed with him and you are happy about the situation.

Instead, as others have said, focus on the other issues and throw money at it: sleep training consultant, nanny or au-pair, cleaner, laundry service, whatever you need. This is of course all 'household costs' not just to be paid for by you (you haven't mentioned how you manage joint finances).

Most importantly, stand up for yourself at work. Have a factual and unemotional conversation: the travel is not in your contract, and as you have responsibilities at home you are unable to travel at short notice. Be clear in your own mind beforehand what you think is reasonable in terms of notice to travel, and the duration and frequency of trips, then don't agree to anything beyond those limits. Explore how much could be done via Teams instead.

It is a sign of weakness, not strength, to be too accommodating at work. They will respect you more if you get tough and set firm boundaries.

Fidgety31 · 01/12/2023 13:29

If you say your children will only co sleep with you - what happens when you are away with work ? They must go to sleep then without you so they can do it .

Original poster
christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 13:30

Choux · 01/12/2023 13:26

If a family is going to have two full on careers you need a nanny or other reliable childcare and a cleaner as a minimum.

You also need both employers to be aware that family live runs to a tight schedule and one or other of you will sometimes have to drop work for sick kids, childcare pick ups etc. Plus your employer needs to know you can't always accommodate last minute trips and suddenly extended trips.

You also need a husband who is appreciative of the fact that he isn't sole breadwinner and in return steps up to take his share of chores, childcare at evenings and weekends etc.

Without these three things it just isn't possible.

I have a cleaner and outsource my husbands shirts.

The cleaner once a week barely touches the sides. I'm always behind on laundry etc. I just have so much laundry to do.

Other than that, we did have a nanny but weren't happy and to be honest it's too expensive. Also I work from home so I never felt I got a break from the kids.

I've been feeling less stressed since I've sent the kids to nursery more and have no more nanny. The school run is long, but at least I get to have the house to myself all day and don't have to keep hiding in fear of upsetting them when they see me.

I could have a nanny to help with dinner occasionally or pick ups. But I'm happier now I'm spending less money and getting more time at home alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 13:31

Fidgety31 · 01/12/2023 13:29

If you say your children will only co sleep with you - what happens when you are away with work ? They must go to sleep then without you so they can do it .

They co sleep with their dad.

OP posts:
desperatemum24 · 01/12/2023 13:35

There's a few issues -

1, if you both work full time you and your dh need to be a team. He needs to be doing equal mental and physical load.

2, work putting additional pressure on you - you either do it and find a way to make it work, say no or look for another job.

Can you increase cleaner to relieve some pressure