I really hate leaving my kids )-:

[christmastreezers]

I work full time from home, but need to travel abroad once every three months usually but the demands seem to be increasing. This was not our arrangement during the interview process but I keep being asked to travel. Also I get asked to travel at short notice.

I have two little ones at nursery while I work. My H is non existent in this equation as I take care of everything and he goes to work 5 days a week ( leaves 7 am, gets back 8:30 pm).

We could 100 percent survive and thrive on H's salary but with my salary we can just do more for our kids ( private school is the big one for me ). We could also manage this on one salary but there would be more pressure.

Yes, I could also find a new job that doesn't require the travel, but the job market is difficult at the moment in my industry.

Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted.

My children are completely dependent on me for sleeping and I just haven't managed to sort this out and I don't think I will until they are older. Basically I need to co sleep. It's the only way I get some sleep. Otherwise I'm up and down all night trying to settle them. H does not help at night ( even when they're sick ). Basically the kids are my problem. The house is my problem. So is cooking etc. all household stuff. I work from home so apparently I have more time. I probably do have more time. However I do have an hour nursery run to do, twice a day, 5 times a week. Plus I need to somehow get my work hours in. I clean and do chores on my lunch break.

It's a lot.

Anyway I've just been told I need to extend my next trip from 2 to 5 days and I just want to cry. I don't want to leave my babies, but equally I don't want to let down my work. H is also angry, as somehow he'll need to manage and he'll need to do nights alone etc, as well as roping in various family members to cover - as we no longer have a baby sitter / nanny to help.

What would you do ?

My work was similar and simply wasn't sustainable with having three young children, a dh whose own work often took him away too, and zero friends/family to help. I had to change jobs.

They both well paid
They both can jointly afford more help

It's a trip once every 3 months. The children are in nursery. God, the bar is low for men.

Agree. Dad sounds a bit useless though.
I travel a fair bit for work and our kids are still alive. Because he is also their parent. Never did any of that co-sleeping nonsense. Bedtime is bedtime and parents bed is for parents to sleep (or do whatever) in.

You need to say no to your work and also sack off your husband as the guy is an utter bastard

To be totally honest..it depends on how much you enjoy your job. If you like it, and get a lot from it, I think you’ll have to go away and your DH will simply have to step in. And you need to get a cleaner a couple
of times a week, and move your children to a closer nursery.

If on the other hand you DONT particularly enjoy it, I personally would jack it in.
You’d have lots of time for you, time to do your chores, you could sort out your children’s sleeping (as a few sleepless nights wouldn’t matter if you weren’t working), and you wouldn’t have to leave them. If you can afford school anyway (albeit a bit more pressure)then for me it would be a no brainer.

In your position I quit and it was a positive decision that worked out well.

@Mariposista Personally, cosleeping made this sort of thing much easier for us when ours were small.

Don't rock the boat with your job
Your DH sounds absolutely awful,
Pay between you for a nanny to live in ,or come daily .
One day ,when the kids are older ,and your mentally stronger ,you may decide to separate..don't do anything now to put YOUR future finances at risk

You've made several rods for your own back here:

1. get sleep issues sorted, so that it isn't mission impossible for your husband to work and take care of the kids
2. speak to your employer and let them know your limitations. Remind them this isn't what was agreed
3. by making your children so dependent on you, you have basically prevented your husband from being about to pull his weight

Your husband is a twat.

Say no to work.

Well at least she would get a break and perhaps find a slightly more appreciative husband who recognises how much she does.

That was my sentiments to a tea

Lazy and incompetent, he only words 13+ hours a day, he's so lazy. They both need to work this out but he's neither lazy nor incompetent unless you want to apply the same words to the OP.

Your husband will never be able to “pull his weight” unless he reduces his hours, changes his job to a more family-friendly one, or you move house to be nearer to his work.

This- he can’t do the impossible but with children really you both need a job that suits family life, then you both can share chores

@Strictlymad "This- he can’t do the impossible but with children really you both need a job that suits family life, then you both can share chores"

But he doesn't "share chores" while the OP is WFH! He does absolutely nothing. The least he could do is pay for some before and after childcare once a month to allow the OP to continue her job!

OP, you can't have it every way

You need a cleaner to come in more than once a week and do the laundry, can't that cleaner double as a nanny and just pay - you're killing yourself in order to save to buy your dc future houses

You shouldn't give up your job because if your dh is being such an idiot you may not want to stay with him long term - you need that financial security

You need a serious conversation with dh about how these are his dc too

You need to explain to work you didn't agree to so much travel and it's not always possible. At the same time, a trip every 3 months is not a crazy amount of travel. I did that when dc were tiny but I had a helpful dh and a nanny and a cleaner and didn't worry that the money I was paying them might be better spent in the future.

Get a sleep consultant and sort out the sleeping, it's making your dc too dependent on you alone and it's not something you enjoy

Good luck!

I wouldn’t have wanted to do regular trips away when mine were little, 5 days is a lot. Push back, say 2 days is fine but not 5. If it’s not in your contract they are taking the p*ss with this extent of travel, it massively eats into your home and down time. If you don’t say no it will only continue.

I wouldn't like this. Little kids need their parents. That's not to say you shouldn't work or pursue a career but you can't have it every way unfortunately. For me, time is priceless and more important than fancy schools or imaginary future houses/cars/security for my kids. Nobody knows what life has in store, sure it's nice to plan ahead but not at the expense of their childhood. It's too precious.

I work part time and that suits me. You said yourself if you were advising a friend you would tell them to get a new job, I think that's your answer. With two parents who work full time (one who doesn't get in til 8:30 by which time I assume they're in bed) when do they ever get quality time with you both?

We need to sort out the co sleeping before I go away.

The little one can go to sleep with his dad actually, no problem. When H is home early or at weekends, he often puts the little one to sleep. But in the same way I do it, which is to stay until he falls asleep.

My DD who's almost 4 is the one that needs me to fall asleep and then when she wakes up at night, she comes and looks for me if I'm not there and when she realises I'm not there, she gets upset.

When I am at home and she gets up in the night - because some nights we don't co sleep all night, she just starts wailing and calling me until I lie down with her.

we need to work on this before I go anywhere, she also asks for me a lot at her time. During the day I don't think she knows I'm not there. It's at night.

I agree that you can definitely say no! This is your life, you’re being asked to do more than you agreed to and you have already proved you will do more than you said you would. You don’t have to do any more than you have, think about what’s important. It’s just work they’re not going to fire you but they will happily use you!

This is ridiculous! So people with children shouldn’t do long hours jobs?!
If this were the case, then you’d have no lawyers, doctors, bankers etc over the age of about 30! 7am to 830pm is a long day, but standard for many high earning professional jobs and you can’t have people simply giving them up when they have children.

Can someone give me some tips on how to get my older one to just stay in her bed when she wakes up ?

She was a great sleeper but all went down the drain when baby 2 came along when she was 2ish and she just wouldn't settle unless I stayed until she fell asleep. Now we are in this mess.

She can't even stay in her bed while I go to the toilet.

She just freaks out on her own in her bed. She has a night light etc so it's not really dark. She gets scared.

I wonder if it was the fact that we tried to get her to settle on her own when she was going through a phase of not wanting to be left alone and we left her to cry a few times. After one night of prolonged crying I told my H to fuck off and that we weren't doing that to her again. She needed me and now it's stuck.

I don't think your husband is unreasonable. He's working a crazily long day on 25-28 days PTO a year. That's burn out territory.

I do think you're unreasonable for taking on all this responsibility by yourself. It's not just your load to carry.

On the salaries you sound like you're on, you need to be outsourcing all cleaning, laundry, ironing, gardening etc.

That way, all your evenings, weekends and holidays are all about fun together and having to go away for a few extra days with work won't seem like a big deal.

To add, it is never a forgone conclusion that the man will earn more. Women are more than capable of out-earning their partners, so please remember that.

It is hard, I do understand. No one can tell you how to feel when leaving your little ones. But they'll survive, just like you will. And if you can aim for parity with your DH, that will have a more positive impact than you going away for another couple of nights will have negative.

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