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Original poster

I really hate leaving my kids )-:

191 replies

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 11:19

I work full time from home, but need to travel abroad once every three months usually but the demands seem to be increasing. This was not our arrangement during the interview process but I keep being asked to travel. Also I get asked to travel at short notice.

I have two little ones at nursery while I work. My H is non existent in this equation as I take care of everything and he goes to work 5 days a week ( leaves 7 am, gets back 8:30 pm).

We could 100 percent survive and thrive on H's salary but with my salary we can just do more for our kids ( private school is the big one for me ). We could also manage this on one salary but there would be more pressure.

Yes, I could also find a new job that doesn't require the travel, but the job market is difficult at the moment in my industry.

Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted.

My children are completely dependent on me for sleeping and I just haven't managed to sort this out and I don't think I will until they are older. Basically I need to co sleep. It's the only way I get some sleep. Otherwise I'm up and down all night trying to settle them. H does not help at night ( even when they're sick ). Basically the kids are my problem. The house is my problem. So is cooking etc. all household stuff. I work from home so apparently I have more time. I probably do have more time. However I do have an hour nursery run to do, twice a day, 5 times a week. Plus I need to somehow get my work hours in. I clean and do chores on my lunch break.

It's a lot.

Anyway I've just been told I need to extend my next trip from 2 to 5 days and I just want to cry. I don't want to leave my babies, but equally I don't want to let down my work. H is also angry, as somehow he'll need to manage and he'll need to do nights alone etc, as well as roping in various family members to cover - as we no longer have a baby sitter / nanny to help.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2023 14:42

If you don't want to go, you need to say no and what comes, comes. Do what is right for you.

As an aside, you have a "dear"husband problem

Most of this is difficult because your husband is shit. Oh I'm so terribly busy I can't possibly look after those offsprings you spring!! Golly don't you see my penis?? It makes me more important than you.

Of I had to go away for a week tomorrow, DH could get the kids to sleep because we're a team. He could get them up and dressed for school and do the school run. Hours wise he'd struggle with pick up because they finish at 3 but that's all. A logistics trap which of they were in nursery til late wouldn't be an issue. Or he'd have to have the week off and the kids would be looked after perfectly well and the house would be clean and tidy on my return.

Whilst thinking about if you want the job, work out if the husband is worth keeping too

cestlavielife · 01/12/2023 14:44

Get a housekeeper for more days
Tell dh to find a bsnysitter au pair type person

And please just stop doing this
I clean and do chores on my lunch break.
Why??
Pay someone to do it
Your dh has commute time he can do waitrose orders etc

Kerp your job pension career you will need it ....when you get fed up of dh or he drops out of family compleetely as he isnt involved now anyway

Beezknees · 01/12/2023 14:44

Husband problem.

As a lone working parent, I did everything. All night wakes, all school/nursery runs, all potty training and sickness and cooking and cleaning. Everything.

It's just what you have to step up and do.

Quite honestly though I don't think private school would be worth all the stress for me.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2023 14:45

TheLongpigs · 01/12/2023 12:45

These replies are ridiculous. The husband works long days in an obviously incredibly well paid job, which almost always equates to high pressure and stress.

If I were you I would give up work and spend these years with my children. You could still consider private school from 14+ (possibly 8+ if finances slowed), but any earlier is usually a waste of money.

Then he should have considered his inability to parent before having kids. Where his responsibility to the children he made? "A roof over their head and food on the table" is enough. If op died tomorrow it would be a Nanny until they could be shipped off to boarding school. That's not parenting, that's an abdication of responsibility

beAsensible1 · 01/12/2023 14:46

why are you talking about your job and leaving your kids for work when the obvious problem is your husband?

you do not have an equal partner that is why you are anxious.

Capybara75 · 01/12/2023 14:48

If you didn’t agree to travel as part of the role I’d just tell them the truth I.e. you have small children and you don’t want to leave them overnight.

LuckySantangelo35 · 01/12/2023 14:50

@christmastreezers

Your kids don’t NEED to go to private school OP - Take some of the pressure off yourself!

oh and your DH sounds useless - tell him to sort himself out or you’re leaving.

hth.

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2023 14:50

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 13:30

I have a cleaner and outsource my husbands shirts.

The cleaner once a week barely touches the sides. I'm always behind on laundry etc. I just have so much laundry to do.

Other than that, we did have a nanny but weren't happy and to be honest it's too expensive. Also I work from home so I never felt I got a break from the kids.

I've been feeling less stressed since I've sent the kids to nursery more and have no more nanny. The school run is long, but at least I get to have the house to myself all day and don't have to keep hiding in fear of upsetting them when they see me.

I could have a nanny to help with dinner occasionally or pick ups. But I'm happier now I'm spending less money and getting more time at home alone.

Show quote history

YOU have a cleaner not we because you're just a woman and it's women's work
YOU outsource your husband's laundry because you're just a woman and it's women's work.
So yes, I expect HE is happier now you're not paying other people to do the jobs he expects you to do.

Rehire a Nanny to do afternoons - pick up from school, bring them home, snacks etc until you finish work. Once you're done she can just be extra hands whilst you get tea on.

Ask your cleaner to do longer and more. Pay accordingly.

Raincloudsonasunnyday · 01/12/2023 14:51

You're looking at this wrong.

You have the following dictating your life for you:

1 your children: normal, it's allowed, you chose to have them
2 your boss: normal and allowed within boundaries, which they aren't respecting
3 your husband: not normal but give and take is part of marriage
4 your life and home duties: unavoidable to 50%

You have to learn to say NO, you have accept you can't be everything to everyone, you have to accept that nothing will get done as well as you can possibly manage it, and you have to tell your DH to shut up complaining. Does he not see everything you have on your plate, or does he not care?

beAsensible1 · 01/12/2023 14:51

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 12:17

He works 7 until 7 ish and has over an hour commute.

Show quote history

why not move closer to his job if you're wfh, none of this makes any sense, nursery 30 mins, work 1hr but you can afford private school.

use the money to make life easier. closer nursery closer to job, get in a mothers help and someone to help with sleep.

Take the weekend to write down each problem and what solution you can afford Then think about the job.

GreatGateauxsby · 01/12/2023 14:52

I would start there then.

Get the sleep consultant sorted.
Shortlist 3 and pick one
alongside this start looking for someone who can provide reliable ad hoc childcare. We have 2 or 3 people we can ask to put our DD soon to be 2 DDs to bed.

Once cosleeping has been "ended" you can get some space and also go on a date night or two.

You'll probably feel a lot better about things... Then go from there.

By the way - the way I see it is I am happy to spend more now to keep myself in my £££ job so while I am not saving as much once childcare costs lower I'll be able to save a lot for them

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/12/2023 14:55

You have a husband problem and a martyr complex. If you didn't you wouldn't read back your own post and advise the person to 'get a new job'.

I don't know what you want from this. You don't want to rock the boat anywhere, at home, at work, with your husband or your kids.

I totally get why you don't want to leave your kids. But honestly, that's the tiniest problem compared to everything else.

cestlavielife · 01/12/2023 14:55

You could get someone to pick up kids from nursery and do one hour chores before, at cheaper than full time nanny
Then that person is in situ for when you away as well and dh can negotiate more hours with them

Finding solutions is going to be worth it .
You giving up good job is not the solution it just lets dh off hook and sets you up to have a poorer financial future than you can have .

You can talk to employer about the travel and what is absolutely necessary but do not say you cannot leave babies (assuming no complex disabilities or health issues) or that dh is an arse , that is not their problem

(As someone with good job 3dc and useless exp)

JadziaD · 01/12/2023 14:58

I broadly agree your DH should be less whiney about having to step up on the rare occasion you're travelling.

But, the more I read, the more it sounds like you're being a bit of a martyr. You want the financial security of both working two jobs, and the career satisfaction and opportunities of a bigger job but you don't want to use the money to make your life easier. You accept that your DH won't be stepping up on a day to day basis, but you resent that you are doing it all.

  1. short notice changes to traveling for work are not okay, and yes, you can say no in this situation. Different if the trip for 5 days is in 3 months time.
  2. The difference in price between a nanny and nursery is not 1500 with two children. I get that you prefer nursery for the socialisation aspect, fair enough, but again, that is a CHOICE you are making.
  3. Find a really good local babysitter to help out - possibly someone from the nursery. We had a staff member (from nursery) who would sometimes bring DS home from school, give him supper and get him ready for bed. Someone like this a few times a week would make your life easier and could potentially step up when you're travelling.

The mental load is real, and you are handling the bulk of it, but you do rather seem to be paralysed by this feeling that everything has to be "perfect" and it has to work 100% of the time for 100% of the people, except that it doesn't work for you.

SheIsStuck23 · 01/12/2023 14:59

Your husband works 60 hours a week, Mon-Fri?

You need to sell your house and move nearer to his work.

If you want him around more then you can’t expect him to do two hours worth of commuting on top of a 12 hour shift.

Or he cuts back his hours and you take the financial hit.

To be honest though it seems like you don’t want to take on board any of the suggestions being offered.

If you aren’t willing to change the lifestyle issues (nursery commutes, work commutes, DH’s long shifts) then you’ll just have to tell your Boss you can’t work away so much.

Notimeforaname · 01/12/2023 15:00

If you dont want to let your job down, go on the trip. Your children have another parent.

DaddyPhD · 01/12/2023 15:01

SleepingStandingUp · 01/12/2023 14:45

Then he should have considered his inability to parent before having kids. Where his responsibility to the children he made? "A roof over their head and food on the table" is enough. If op died tomorrow it would be a Nanny until they could be shipped off to boarding school. That's not parenting, that's an abdication of responsibility

Show quote history

This is so true.

There are many men in high pressure and stress jobs, some of us take a back seat in the early years of their children, then re-emerge when their older. Others bury themselves in work to avoid toddlers, I've seen it with so many men I know, dads just eating dinner in pubs with work mates because they want to avoid bathtime and bedtime.

If a surgeon I know and interest rates swap trader in the City both can make time for their little ones, any bloke can, even the prime minister.

Even by Reception I've noticed a huge drop off in the care needed for my daughter, its such a short time, but I still say maybe 40% of the blokes I know are 'all in' for the nappy and toddler stage.

Notimeforaname · 01/12/2023 15:02

I also agree you need to be closer to his work or their nursery. He commutes for 2 hours a day, as do you to go to nursery. It's crazy.

If you wont leave your husband, wont move, wont quit your job, wont hire more help and wont expect your husband to do his share, your only option left is to carry on doing everything for everyone... I see no other way

MikeRafone · 01/12/2023 15:04

Id go on the work trip and leave dh to do what you do

Saharafordessert · 01/12/2023 15:05

TheLongpigs · 01/12/2023 12:45

These replies are ridiculous. The husband works long days in an obviously incredibly well paid job, which almost always equates to high pressure and stress.

If I were you I would give up work and spend these years with my children. You could still consider private school from 14+ (possibly 8+ if finances slowed), but any earlier is usually a waste of money.

As above…..why are you putting yourself through this? Private education from primary surely isn’t worth this amount of pressure on your family.
Your babies are only little once…don’t look back on that time with regret that you weren’t there.
Part time would be a great compromise for everyone involved.

Notimeforaname · 01/12/2023 15:07

Then he should have considered his inability to parent before having kids. Where his responsibility to the children he made? "A roof over their head and food on the table" is enough. If op died tomorrow it would be a Nanny until they could be shipped off to boarding school. That's not parenting, that's an abdication of responsibility

To me this just sound ls like his job is WAY more important than his kids. What's the point of giving them a deposit on a house and private school but no real parental relationship with their father. He has his priorities all wrong.
Those kids will be grown up one day. I know in many families both parents need to work, but jesus the children need their dad to be a dad. Not just a pay cheque.

honeybeetheoneandonly · 01/12/2023 15:07

Hm, I think there are two very important conversations to be had. One with work about the frequency and length of travelling going forward and what you had agreed to when signing the contract and the much more important conversation with your partner on what HE needs to contribute to HIS household, HIS laundry, HIS food, HIS household chores, HIS children, HIS wife and HIS marriage.
You can still tidy, run a hoover, fold laundry etc after 8pm.

Notimeforaname · 01/12/2023 15:11

Others bury themselves in work to avoid toddlers, I've seen it with so many men I know, dads just eating dinner in pubs with work mates because they want to avoid bathtime and bedtime.

This is horrible but it's true. My partners boss has 2 children about 7 - 10 years old. He actively avoids going home EVERY DAY until he know "she" has fed them and put them to bed because he works hard all day. He needs his time to himself and his wife will only "whine and moan at him to help" 🙄
Poor kids know they are an inconvenience

PinkArt · 01/12/2023 15:11

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 13:30

I have a cleaner and outsource my husbands shirts.

The cleaner once a week barely touches the sides. I'm always behind on laundry etc. I just have so much laundry to do.

Other than that, we did have a nanny but weren't happy and to be honest it's too expensive. Also I work from home so I never felt I got a break from the kids.

I've been feeling less stressed since I've sent the kids to nursery more and have no more nanny. The school run is long, but at least I get to have the house to myself all day and don't have to keep hiding in fear of upsetting them when they see me.

I could have a nanny to help with dinner occasionally or pick ups. But I'm happier now I'm spending less money and getting more time at home alone.

Show quote history

'I have a cleaner and outsource my husbands* *shirts.
The cleaner once a week barely touches the sides. I'm always behind on laundry etc. I just have so much laundry to do.'

The problem isn't the kids, work, a cleaner or a nanny it's your husband. Why on earth are you outsourcing his shirts? His shirts, his job to sort. Why do earth do 'I' have a cleaner and not 'we' have a cleaner. Why again does 'I' have so much laundry and not 'we'. Guarantee if he was doing his fair share, or literally anything, you would be feeling so much less stressed about it all. This man would presumably say he loves you? Then why is he happy to let you do ALL the work??? That isn't how you treat someone you love.

CurlewKate · 01/12/2023 15:14

Jesus-people are suggesting that her OP gives up or limits her job because her husband is a dickhead?? I can't believe what I'm reading-it's not 1950!