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AIBU?

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Original poster

I really hate leaving my kids )-:

191 replies

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 11:19

I work full time from home, but need to travel abroad once every three months usually but the demands seem to be increasing. This was not our arrangement during the interview process but I keep being asked to travel. Also I get asked to travel at short notice.

I have two little ones at nursery while I work. My H is non existent in this equation as I take care of everything and he goes to work 5 days a week ( leaves 7 am, gets back 8:30 pm).

We could 100 percent survive and thrive on H's salary but with my salary we can just do more for our kids ( private school is the big one for me ). We could also manage this on one salary but there would be more pressure.

Yes, I could also find a new job that doesn't require the travel, but the job market is difficult at the moment in my industry.

Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted.

My children are completely dependent on me for sleeping and I just haven't managed to sort this out and I don't think I will until they are older. Basically I need to co sleep. It's the only way I get some sleep. Otherwise I'm up and down all night trying to settle them. H does not help at night ( even when they're sick ). Basically the kids are my problem. The house is my problem. So is cooking etc. all household stuff. I work from home so apparently I have more time. I probably do have more time. However I do have an hour nursery run to do, twice a day, 5 times a week. Plus I need to somehow get my work hours in. I clean and do chores on my lunch break.

It's a lot.

Anyway I've just been told I need to extend my next trip from 2 to 5 days and I just want to cry. I don't want to leave my babies, but equally I don't want to let down my work. H is also angry, as somehow he'll need to manage and he'll need to do nights alone etc, as well as roping in various family members to cover - as we no longer have a baby sitter / nanny to help.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 01/12/2023 12:05

Personally travelling abroad for 5 days at a time when you have 2 kids in nursery is going to be hard whatever your scenario. I know people are telling your DH to step-up but he’s out from 7am-8.30pm - there’s only so much he can do!

I would tell work, while kids are in nursery you can only travel abroad for a maximum of 2 days. Personally I’d go part time for a bit as it sounds like you could afford it. Can you get a Nursery that’s nearer? That sounds too far to travel.

Wishimaywishimight · 01/12/2023 12:11

How on earth is your DH out of the house for 13.5 hours a day??

Not the point of the thread obviously but I am always amazed at how many MNers / DHs work "long hours" in "very stressful" jobs and are gone for so much longer than the average(ish) 8 - 10 hours.

Original poster
christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 12:17

Wishimaywishimight · 01/12/2023 12:11

How on earth is your DH out of the house for 13.5 hours a day??

Not the point of the thread obviously but I am always amazed at how many MNers / DHs work "long hours" in "very stressful" jobs and are gone for so much longer than the average(ish) 8 - 10 hours.

He works 7 until 7 ish and has over an hour commute.

OP posts:
Usernamen · 01/12/2023 12:19

BodenCardiganNot · 01/12/2023 11:22

I'd leave the H. He sounds a complete waste of space.

This. And get a nanny.

Toomuchcawfee · 01/12/2023 12:20

OP isn’t going to leave her husband. She’s already stated she wants things that can only happen comfortably on two higher wages, like private school.

OP, you do indeed have a DH problem. If that won’t change, then your options are to tell work no, outsource as much as you can, or both.

I would 100% look in to a cleaner, outsourcing laundry and perhaps do something like Gousto to reduce the shopping requirements, as it sounds like financially these options may be available to you.

In your position with a DH like that, I would under no circumstances give up work. That leaves you vulnerable.

Usernamen · 01/12/2023 12:24

Moveoverdarlin · 01/12/2023 12:05

Personally travelling abroad for 5 days at a time when you have 2 kids in nursery is going to be hard whatever your scenario. I know people are telling your DH to step-up but he’s out from 7am-8.30pm - there’s only so much he can do!

I would tell work, while kids are in nursery you can only travel abroad for a maximum of 2 days. Personally I’d go part time for a bit as it sounds like you could afford it. Can you get a Nursery that’s nearer? That sounds too far to travel.

Not all jobs can be done part-time.

And why should OP make the sacrifices in her career to accommodate a useless, lazy husband? Maybe he should go part-time and take the hit on his career and future earning potential.

Usernamen · 01/12/2023 12:26

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 12:17

He works 7 until 7 ish and has over an hour commute.

Show quote history

If he leaves the house at 7am and has over an hour’s commute, how can he get to work for 7am?

Presumably he’s leaving the house more like 5:30am?

LovedMyLastNameItHadToGo · 01/12/2023 12:27

Hi OP not an excuse by my DH (he’s a CFO) in a similar leaves house at 730 back at 7pm earliest. I work like you from home etc and the majority falls to me as a result. Can you buy in help? A nanny to help when you’re away. Partly I find with my DH his job is so stressful and I think he’s ND he can’t cope with too much more than his job. Sometimes he can but if it’s particularly busy he just can’t.

You sound financially stable so I think it is time to buy in more help for yourself.

Vuurhoutjies · 01/12/2023 12:29

You OH is a bit of a wanker. But okay, the way you're set up, he's out of the house for long hours and earns copious amounts of money so perhaps it is what it is.

This is one of those "throw money at the problem" situations. I think you need to get a nanny back. At the very least, you need the nanny to be doing all the day time stuff while you're away and then it's just the nights that your DH may have to suck up.

Re traveling for work, I think that's fine but it is perfectly reasonable to say, "n, I can't rearrange plans at short notice to make this a 5 day trip when it was planned as a 2 day trip." I am the main breadwinner, work full-time etc, but if. client asked me to do this at short notice I would most likely have to say no. It's just not practical because we all have lives and commitments. In your case, children, but for someone else it could be other caring responsibilities or even just something like training for a sports hobby or volunteering.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 01/12/2023 12:31

Your husband needs to step up. What a pathetic excuse for a father..
If he did, there would be no issue so he is actually hindering you and what you can accomplish

HoppingPavlova · 01/12/2023 12:34

If you don’t really need your salary, why not make life easier and get a nanny, cleaner etc. You say you could live happily on DH’s salary alone, then also say you do everything with the kids, clean, cooking etc. Why not use a good chunk of your salary to outsource the household tasks, and stuff like collecting your children from nursery, looking after them while you are away etc? Doesn’t add up.

Spinet · 01/12/2023 12:34

If you have enough money for private school when the time comes you have enough money for a nanny/housekeeper now.

Your husband out to step up yes but good luck with that.

Don't sacrifice your work - if you want to do it - because your husband is a twat. Buy in help.

AgentProvocateur · 01/12/2023 12:34

I’d dump the husband, get a nanny and cleaning help and not look back.

idontlikealdi · 01/12/2023 12:36

Wishimaywishimight · 01/12/2023 12:11

How on earth is your DH out of the house for 13.5 hours a day??

Not the point of the thread obviously but I am always amazed at how many MNers / DHs work "long hours" in "very stressful" jobs and are gone for so much longer than the average(ish) 8 - 10 hours.

I leave at 7am and am home for 730, it's really not unusual.

Op get rid of the H.

Fernsfernsferns · 01/12/2023 12:38

@christmastreezers

read the book fair play https://www.everodsky.com/fair-play or get the card deck and do it with your husband

its not fair that you do everything

redistribute the childcare and household work more fairly and then see how you feel.

it may also involve having a conversation with work about how this isn’t what was agreed

bit you need to address the unfairness in your home life urgently either way.

Eve Rodsky

↓

https://www.everodsky.com/fair-play

Strictlymad · 01/12/2023 12:40

If it’s not in the contract and was not agreed at interview then the answer is no. If you had agreed to these trips before taking on the job then fair enough but you didn’t. As far as the rest of it can you get some home help, cleaner etc as you say money isn’t an issue on two wages.

museumum · 01/12/2023 12:45

Your husband is the problem not your job.
yes you should sometimes push back a little about the length of trips or short notice and make compromises with your employer. BUT at least as often, if not more often, your husband needs to arrange flexible working or take some leave and parent his children!

TheLongpigs · 01/12/2023 12:45

These replies are ridiculous. The husband works long days in an obviously incredibly well paid job, which almost always equates to high pressure and stress.

If I were you I would give up work and spend these years with my children. You could still consider private school from 14+ (possibly 8+ if finances slowed), but any earlier is usually a waste of money.

Daisies12 · 01/12/2023 12:47

Your problem is your husband. He’s as much as parent as you are. You need to be making it a 50/50 split with parenting. And I think you both need to reduce your work hours. Children need their parents there for them far far more than they need private school.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 01/12/2023 12:53

TheLongpigs · 01/12/2023 12:45

These replies are ridiculous. The husband works long days in an obviously incredibly well paid job, which almost always equates to high pressure and stress.

If I were you I would give up work and spend these years with my children. You could still consider private school from 14+ (possibly 8+ if finances slowed), but any earlier is usually a waste of money.

Agree 100%

ColleenDonaghy · 01/12/2023 12:54

I'm a bit torn.

The main thing that jumps out is that your husband is useless. A job is no reason to leave everything to you.

Having said that, DH goes away occasionally for work, including a least one long-haul trip a year and I do find it really fucking hard. I wouldn't be impressed at him travelling more than agreed.

ElaineMBenes · 01/12/2023 12:56

Your kids aren't the problem.
Your H is.

This. I travel with work and due to the distance the trips are often over a week. It doesn't even cross my mind that DH and DS won't be absolutely fine.
You need to get the DH problem sorted.

Strictlymad · 01/12/2023 12:56

Also, if I’m totally honest it might be good to evaluate working less- for both of you, your schedule sounds torture! And when you are looking back in 20 years what do you want to remember, the working, but the money and holidays, and the fact your kids went to private school, or the time with your children. What will they look back on and appreciate from their parents about their childhood. There absolutely isn’t a wrong answer, it’s a choice each family has to make about what most important to them.

Spinet · 01/12/2023 12:57

TheLongpigs · 01/12/2023 12:45

These replies are ridiculous. The husband works long days in an obviously incredibly well paid job, which almost always equates to high pressure and stress.

If I were you I would give up work and spend these years with my children. You could still consider private school from 14+ (possibly 8+ if finances slowed), but any earlier is usually a waste of money.

Disagree. Stress and money shouldn't stop you being a parent or clearing up after yourself occasionally.

Most of these men who work long hours in stressful jobs spend a lot of time doing makework so they don't have to go home and take responsibility for the life they created for themselves, just please themselves. Seen it a billion times.

MissyB1 · 01/12/2023 12:58

If you are both earning so much money why don’t you have a cleaner? And a nanny would be much more use than nursery in your circumstances surely? And sort out the sleep issues, you must get leave sometimes? Use your leave to work with a sleep consultant and get that sorted. What’s the point of you both all earning all this money if life is so stressful and hard.