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AIBU?

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Original poster

I really hate leaving my kids )-:

191 replies

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 11:19

I work full time from home, but need to travel abroad once every three months usually but the demands seem to be increasing. This was not our arrangement during the interview process but I keep being asked to travel. Also I get asked to travel at short notice.

I have two little ones at nursery while I work. My H is non existent in this equation as I take care of everything and he goes to work 5 days a week ( leaves 7 am, gets back 8:30 pm).

We could 100 percent survive and thrive on H's salary but with my salary we can just do more for our kids ( private school is the big one for me ). We could also manage this on one salary but there would be more pressure.

Yes, I could also find a new job that doesn't require the travel, but the job market is difficult at the moment in my industry.

Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted.

My children are completely dependent on me for sleeping and I just haven't managed to sort this out and I don't think I will until they are older. Basically I need to co sleep. It's the only way I get some sleep. Otherwise I'm up and down all night trying to settle them. H does not help at night ( even when they're sick ). Basically the kids are my problem. The house is my problem. So is cooking etc. all household stuff. I work from home so apparently I have more time. I probably do have more time. However I do have an hour nursery run to do, twice a day, 5 times a week. Plus I need to somehow get my work hours in. I clean and do chores on my lunch break.

It's a lot.

Anyway I've just been told I need to extend my next trip from 2 to 5 days and I just want to cry. I don't want to leave my babies, but equally I don't want to let down my work. H is also angry, as somehow he'll need to manage and he'll need to do nights alone etc, as well as roping in various family members to cover - as we no longer have a baby sitter / nanny to help.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
whoamI00 · 01/12/2023 14:20

Sympathy for you. My previous work required travelling. I liked it but it was before my child was born. I'd hate it if I have to travel regularly as I did before. So sympathy for you.

Once every three months and you stay abroad 2 to 5 days everytime you travel? If it's the case it seems to be able? Maybe you could ask your company if they could give you at least the notice in a reasonable time frame?

SecondUsername4me · 01/12/2023 14:20

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/12/2023 14:16

Her H is her source of income and security.

Show quote history

Her full time job is her source of income.

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 01/12/2023 14:21

Set boundaries with the job you have.
Be explicit. You are committed. However, travel is difficult. 5 days is unreasonable but especially when you have nursery age children.

JenniferJuniper80 · 01/12/2023 14:21

Quit your job.

It's a no brainer

Take a job in a supermarket or cleaning.. you've made it clear you don't need to work , do don't.

Take care of your family and quit moaning.

PooglesWood · 01/12/2023 14:22

If you really hate leaving your kids then don’t take a job that necessitates this!

boudiccathecat · 01/12/2023 14:23

A lot of men manufacture late nights T the office so they can avoid the stress of family time

GatherlyGal · 01/12/2023 14:24

I don't think it has to be a choice between doing this job with 5 nights away at a time or doing no job. There are surely many well-paid fulfilling opportunities that don't require a lot of travel.

Toomuchcawfee · 01/12/2023 14:25

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 01/12/2023 14:08

all of this. but again, your dh is the problem here. Why is he a useless father and husband?

your dh needs to step up well before you step down from your source of income, your future, your security and your independence.

Show quote history

I agree but I feel from the language of the first post OP has already tried this and has got nowhere with him, and is now picking the battles she has a chance of winning. If she isn’t wanting to LTB, then the laundry and cleaning are easier things to change.

Historybooks · 01/12/2023 14:25

Say you want to travel less and find a new job if you can. Get a cleaner. Your OH needs to do something more to be a dad doesn't he.

bonzaitree · 01/12/2023 14:26

Would be really helpful to know what your rough combined income is (net) so that we can make suggestions about Nannie’s / housekeepers

Fionaville · 01/12/2023 14:27

Well firstly, your husband is completely out of order and you need him to step up. I can't believe what I'm reading!
Secondly, tell your work that you can't leave your kids. Don't leave them. Not because your husband is rubbish, but because you don't want to. It's perfectly valid to not want to leave your little ones. You're in a strong position to refuse.

Historybooks · 01/12/2023 14:27

JenniferJuniper80 · 01/12/2023 14:21

Quit your job.

It's a no brainer

Take a job in a supermarket or cleaning.. you've made it clear you don't need to work , do don't.

Take care of your family and quit moaning.

Edited

Ridiculous! Women are allowed ambitious and she's asking for advice, it's what mumsnet is for. You don't get to decide other people's values and priorities.

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 01/12/2023 14:27

Your children will benefit far more from you being around a lot more during their formative years than they will from private education.......hell the benefits of that won't even kick in until the secondary years.

If I were in your situation I'd be changing my role to a less stressful one with set hours, you won't get these years back. And the stress of the situation you're in now just doesn't sound worth it to me.

jeaux90 · 01/12/2023 14:28

Your husband is useless.

I'm a lone parent with a career and I had a live in nanny for ten years which (if you get the right one) solves a lot of your problems.

I know you said you had one but you need to be really clear about their contract and what they do.

If private school is a goal then you'll need to keep working I assume. I would chose one with flexi boarding, it's a game changer once they hit secondary age, but until then you will have to throw money at it AND get you husband to step up.

Honestly I don't know why women stay married to these idiots.

ohdamnitjanet · 01/12/2023 14:28

BodenCardiganNot · 01/12/2023 11:22

I'd leave the H. He sounds a complete waste of space.

Yup, he’s the problem, not the travel. Go away and give him a taste of his own lazy selfish arsed medicine.

SpringleDingle · 01/12/2023 14:29

As a WFH Exec Director with a kid and travel commitments and a useless exH I would;

  • Talk to your boss but DO NOT tell them the problem is your H is an arse and your kids co-sleep. I'd have no patience with that. You may need to adjust your role to accommodate your life commitments and that may well come with a salary adjustment. The $$ come with doing the FULL job and if it's senior that often means being flexible. You can't be doing your best work if you are WFH, doing nursery runs, doing all the housework etc.. I travelled a lot less when DD was small and I took the career hit so I could accommodate her needs.
  • Talk to your H. He sounds pretty unhelpful and you should not be shouldering the home burden alone. I'd find his attitude terminally unattractive.
  • Consider the right split together - 2 senior roles with long hours / travel / expectation of flexibility is hard to juggle with kids unless you have LOTS of help (cleaners, dog walkers, nannies, etc..) It sounds like you are trying to be really hands on mum and corporate boss lady and imho it's not possible.
Original poster
christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 14:30

StuartSheehyisBack · 01/12/2023 14:18

How was the nanny "too expensive"?

Surely you were saving on nursery fees, plus you said you could survive just on your H's wage so why can't you afford a nanny comfortably with 2 wages?
That doesnt make sense

Ok so the nanny is at least twice nursery fees and there is no way I would let my older, preschool aged child be looked after by a nanny every day - rather than my child be in a preschool environment. I think it's more beneficial once you're 3 and over to be in a school environment.

So nanny essentially looked after my little one most days and both of them on other days. I agree if you just have a nanny, it might be cheaper than sending two to nursery ( but not always, if you want a good one ).

We can ' afford ' a lot of things. But it's not about how much we earn, but about how much we spend if we want these sacrifices to be worth it one day.

So no, I'm not willing to give a nanny 4k a month. I would rather pay the nursery 2.5 k for both kids a month.

It's a big difference over a year. We can save that money and invest it for our children to one day have a deposit for their homes.

I know I'll get slated for saying that but if I'm going to stress myself out with a full time job and have my kids away from me etc. I want something to show for it.

I'm either doing it this way, or I won't work at all and we won't have the nursery costs for the little one.

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/12/2023 14:32

SecondUsername4me · 01/12/2023 14:20

Her full time job is her source of income.

Show quote history

Her job only pays for private school, hr pays for everything else.

cestlavielife · 01/12/2023 14:32

Make your dh step up. It is not ok for him not to be involved.
Why have you let this happen?
If you die or get sick he will have to , if you divorce he will have to, so best he starts now better late than never

Merryhobnobs · 01/12/2023 14:34

Sounds horrible. I am glad I don't approve of Private schools so don't have that additional pressure. You and your husband need to sit down and make a family plan that involves you both compromising. Also consider talking to a sleep coach. Not a magic solution but might make you see situation with sleep in new light.

StuartSheehyisBack · 01/12/2023 14:35

A nanny earns £52k a year??!! Wow - you pay £25 an hour? (£1000/40) lordy me I am in the wrong job.

GreatGateauxsby · 01/12/2023 14:37

on one hand I get what you are saying OP…I want my money to go where it counts. £1.5k pm is significant

But then on the other hand I don’t get it at all…because clearly something has to change but you don’t seem up for changing anything.

have you found any of the suggestions helpful?

also you haven’t addressed the sleep consultant that many have suggested.
do you just like cosleeping or would you consider changing it?

Original poster
christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 14:39

StuartSheehyisBack · 01/12/2023 14:35

A nanny earns £52k a year??!! Wow - you pay £25 an hour? (£1000/40) lordy me I am in the wrong job.

I exaggerated a bit, but we aren't far off , as an employer you need to pay tax etc- which really adds up. Plus petrol money if they pick the kids up etc. it really adds up. You also provide food for them etc.

It's a massive responsibly to employ a nanny and I'm just no longer up for the cost and the headache

OP posts:
Original poster
christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 14:40

GreatGateauxsby · 01/12/2023 14:37

on one hand I get what you are saying OP…I want my money to go where it counts. £1.5k pm is significant

But then on the other hand I don’t get it at all…because clearly something has to change but you don’t seem up for changing anything.

have you found any of the suggestions helpful?

also you haven’t addressed the sleep consultant that many have suggested.
do you just like cosleeping or would you consider changing it?

I've been thinking about a sleep consultant for a while in deed

I don't like co sleeping.

OP posts:
Thegoldenlion · 01/12/2023 14:42

Can you write down the dates you have gone abroad and compare this to your contractual requirement/what was discussed at the interview.

If there is a pattern of your employer taking the piss, then you need to discuss this with your manager and HR.

Do other employees get the chance to turn down overseas travel requests?