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Original poster

I really hate leaving my kids )-:

191 replies

christmastreezers · 01/12/2023 11:19

I work full time from home, but need to travel abroad once every three months usually but the demands seem to be increasing. This was not our arrangement during the interview process but I keep being asked to travel. Also I get asked to travel at short notice.

I have two little ones at nursery while I work. My H is non existent in this equation as I take care of everything and he goes to work 5 days a week ( leaves 7 am, gets back 8:30 pm).

We could 100 percent survive and thrive on H's salary but with my salary we can just do more for our kids ( private school is the big one for me ). We could also manage this on one salary but there would be more pressure.

Yes, I could also find a new job that doesn't require the travel, but the job market is difficult at the moment in my industry.

Yes, I could tell my bosses I can't travel as much but it won't look good on me and I'll look uncommitted.

My children are completely dependent on me for sleeping and I just haven't managed to sort this out and I don't think I will until they are older. Basically I need to co sleep. It's the only way I get some sleep. Otherwise I'm up and down all night trying to settle them. H does not help at night ( even when they're sick ). Basically the kids are my problem. The house is my problem. So is cooking etc. all household stuff. I work from home so apparently I have more time. I probably do have more time. However I do have an hour nursery run to do, twice a day, 5 times a week. Plus I need to somehow get my work hours in. I clean and do chores on my lunch break.

It's a lot.

Anyway I've just been told I need to extend my next trip from 2 to 5 days and I just want to cry. I don't want to leave my babies, but equally I don't want to let down my work. H is also angry, as somehow he'll need to manage and he'll need to do nights alone etc, as well as roping in various family members to cover - as we no longer have a baby sitter / nanny to help.

What would you do ?

OP posts:
Choux · 01/12/2023 13:36

So you need more cleaner / housekeeper hours to cover cleaning, laundry and some cooking? And possibly some more childcare.

What's stopping you?

Yetmorebeanstocount · 01/12/2023 13:36

I'm happier now I'm spending less money.

When you say "I'm" spending less money, do you mean you were paying for the help out of your own salary? That is not right.
It is a joint cost, and should come out of a joint household account, so that DH is paying his share.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/12/2023 13:38

Use the money you saved on a nanny for a complete laundry service, we have ours on a Friday - Monday turn around, it's worth it.

Fupoffyagrasshole · 01/12/2023 13:40

your husband is crap -he needs to help more! id go away for the 5 days and leave him to it so he see's how hard it is and how much you do!

TBH id not be with someone so useless but thats up to you!

Choux · 01/12/2023 13:40

Did your nanny do kids laundry, cook kids food and tidy up kids rooms and toys? They should have.

Working from home and kids at home is tough but it depends on the house size and you putting proper boundaries in place ie you don't see the kids during the day so they don't cry and bawl when you leave them to work. I know people who leave by front door and then sneak back into the house by the back door and disappear upstairs for the day. The kids think they are 'at work'.

Birch101 · 01/12/2023 13:43

Sounds like your life needs an overhaul.
Personally couldn't be with a partner like that but putting divorce aside

In the short term
You keep your job and do trips as they need and hire in help. E.g. nannies

Given that your working to pay for private school and other opportunities in the long run the above is ridiculous so you would need to find another job ideally max 4 days a week which would give you a day to do house bits whilst kids in nursery

Or you say no to the trip and quit your job now reduce your outgoings e.g. nursery and then reassess

Personally I would state that if my partner does nothing towards the day to day running of a house and family that I would want a cleaner for several hrs a week, and outsource as much crap as you can that should be covered by his 50% and take it out of any fun budget he has, bye bye golf, gaming etc

Don't run yourself into the ground as it doesn't sound like there is anyone to pick you up x

Do not give u work completely though incase you do go down the divorce route at some point in the future

SecondUsername4me · 01/12/2023 13:43

You both work FT so you both need to be responsible for sorting the kids and the house. He doesn't get to opt out.

Does he even organise his own shirts being sent out or do you do it?

What levels of parenting and housework is he doing on weekends?

I couldn't stay with a man who did this. Its repulsive.

Vuurhoutjies · 01/12/2023 13:44

Okay, you don't want a nanny, I get that, but then what about a part time nanny or after school help? Someone who does the evening school run, makes dinner, does some of the laundry etc. So if nursery pick up is 5:30, she arrives at say 16:00 - does some washing, cooks dinner, collects kids etc. Then, if necessary, stays later to help out with bedtime, particularly when you are away.

It can be difficult to find someone like this, but they are worth their weight in gold when you do. My sister has a woman like this who used to be her nanny, and now has a more 9-5 role but she steps in for evening nannying I think twice a week as standard but can pick it up when things are crazy or she's traveling for work .

And I get you don't want to spend too much money, but if cleaners once a week aren't touching sides, get them twice a week. Honestly, if your OH isn't going to step up, you need to find more external help. A good cleaner twice a week would not only keep on top of things, they'd also do some of the other jobs like washing, ironing etc.

shattery · 01/12/2023 13:44

Apologies, I haven't read the full thread. Try an emergency nanny - I have used these when necessary to cover short trips.

Dweetfidilove · 01/12/2023 13:48

Toomuchcawfee · 01/12/2023 12:20

OP isn’t going to leave her husband. She’s already stated she wants things that can only happen comfortably on two higher wages, like private school.

OP, you do indeed have a DH problem. If that won’t change, then your options are to tell work no, outsource as much as you can, or both.

I would 100% look in to a cleaner, outsourcing laundry and perhaps do something like Gousto to reduce the shopping requirements, as it sounds like financially these options may be available to you.

In your position with a DH like that, I would under no circumstances give up work. That leaves you vulnerable.

And rehire the nanny.

Throw money at the issues.

Pipsquiggle · 01/12/2023 13:48

Give more hours to your cleaner - mine does laundry when I ask her. (If I ever won the lottery I would employ her as my housekeeper, she helps me keep sane)

Look for another job. In your current role, read your job description and see what it says about travel. Draw firm boundaries around that.

Look for another DH? My DH has a 'big' job, works long hours and I do the majority of childcare but, with notice, he does do pick ups / drop offs, he can manage his diary to do this. Can he work from home 1 day a week? He sounds like he is living in the 1950s and he wants his little wife to deal with the DC & house - what a knob

GreatGateauxsby · 01/12/2023 13:49

At a broader level your problem is the imbalance / demands at home.

Outside Help
You need to get some or get more.
We both have 100k + jobs and have accepted when no 2 arrives in a month or so we will need even more help than we have.

Your DH
I think part of this issue is your DH and part is you.
He needs to step forward a bit (he has a demanding job so can't be doing everything but should be doing more) and you need to step back and give him space to do that.

Ignoring the situation itself and accepting your parameters (ie stay employed)

your options are:

  • leave the company for a new job
  • look for an internal job move to a role which doesn't require travel
  • speak to your boss and ask if you can be made exempt from travel / do international work via Skype for a year or two
  • suck it up and use money to make problems go away.

Personally I'd be buying in a lot more help (find a good night nanny for when you go travelling and sleep consultants in general as starters for 10....)

get a cleaner we have for 5 hours across 2 days each week . She does 7 if we want help with washing and folding.
we also spend more now on healthy but convenient food.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/12/2023 13:50

MamaBanana12 · 01/12/2023 11:23

Your kids aren't the problem.
Your H is.

You both need to get some bedtime structure & childcare in place for when you're both working.

Also set some boundaries at work for what is possible now in regard to your caring responsibilities. These will change as children grow, but you need to sort some clear agreement with your company about what the travel commitment is, and stick to it.

Or look for a different less intense role if financially you can.

But fundamentally your H needs to step up to support his kids.

Yes her H is part of the problem but so is she. She seems to be a martyr wanting to do everything and refusing to sleep train her children so they are especially dependent on her. It's not doing her or the kids any good. Yes her H needs to step up massively but she also needs make changes.

ElaineMBenes · 01/12/2023 13:53

You both work FT so you bothneed to be responsible for sorting the kids and the house. He doesn't get to opt out.

Exactly. It's ridiculous that the OP is doing it all, not just for the kids but for him as well!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/12/2023 13:57

SylvieLaufeydottir · 01/12/2023 12:03

Why on earth are your kids in nursery half an hour away when you WFH?!?!?

Your problem isn't your job. Your problem is your useless fucking husband. No way I'd be taking a step back at work or threatening my job while I was married to a useless fucker who did nothing.

Move the kids to a closer nursery. Lose your shit at your husband. Get the cosleeping cracked (you can afford a sleep consultant if needs be). Then think about your job.

Calm down her husband literally works long hours to fund their lifestyle and private school that OP wants. OP is the one who has made herself a martyr and she will burn out if she continues.

Yes her H needs to step up but she also needs to make changes rather than this I can do everything approach that is not sustainable.

Moonwatcher1234 · 01/12/2023 13:57

I’m sure you’ve posted about this before? If that’s you then it sounds like you haven’t sorted it out yet and I don’t understand why not as you were given lots of advice. If not you but someone with the exact same circumstances, then go for another job - this isn’t worth the stress.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/12/2023 13:58

IamSmarticus · 01/12/2023 11:28

What would you do ?

Leave my husband. Seriously, what exactly does he do other than bring money to the table?

Smart, and how is she going to afford her lifestyle including private school etc? He worked 7-7 with a 1 hour commute each way, yeah leave the bastard and I'm sure she can cope and afford it all.

7 - 7 means he leaves the house at 6am and back at 8pm. By that time the kids are probably in bed or getting ready and I see OP we.someome who wants to do it all her way and she also sleeps with the kids so what's H to do?

What time do they even spent together as a couple given she sleeps with the kids in a separate room? If I was the H I would stay out as long as possible as well, what's the point coming home when she can't separate herself from her children? She's not first person to have children.

MaryShelley1818 · 01/12/2023 13:59

I can't understand why women set the bar so low with regards to men. You have a "DH" problem. Are you staying with him because he is a high earner? Because it is not in your children's best interests to have this as their role model and think it's ok.
Practically as others have said I would employ help. Also I coslept/cosleep with both my children. It's normal biological need, if I'm ever away from home my DH sleeps in with DD because that's how she feels secure - don't take perfectly natural comfort away from your children unless it's yours and their choice.

Toomuchcawfee · 01/12/2023 14:04

On the basis of you follow up posts, I’d say:

cleaner for another day
laundry service
outsource drop off and pick up of kids to a childminder if possible
maybe some of these food boxes that actually supply fresh frozen meals (like cook)

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 01/12/2023 14:08

Toomuchcawfee · 01/12/2023 14:04

On the basis of you follow up posts, I’d say:

cleaner for another day
laundry service
outsource drop off and pick up of kids to a childminder if possible
maybe some of these food boxes that actually supply fresh frozen meals (like cook)

all of this. but again, your dh is the problem here. Why is he a useless father and husband?

your dh needs to step up well before you step down from your source of income, your future, your security and your independence.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 01/12/2023 14:16

SusanKennedyshouldLTB · 01/12/2023 14:08

all of this. but again, your dh is the problem here. Why is he a useless father and husband?

your dh needs to step up well before you step down from your source of income, your future, your security and your independence.

Show quote history

Her H is her source of income and security.

GatherlyGal · 01/12/2023 14:16

It is hard for both parents of small children to have these kinds of jobs. I'm not sure what the H can do when he's physically out of the house for so much of the time. The people suggesting she leave him because he works long hours to support the family. Come on. How will her leaving him help? I'm sure there is a fairer division of domestic duties but leaving him is extreme.

The problem is you can't both have jobs physically removing you from the house for over 12 or 13 hours a day when you have young kids.

You could consider a nanny but not many nannies want live-in when the mum works from home.

I think you either have to have a difficult conversation work where you tell them you cannot physically do the travel or you need some kind of live-in childcare for when you are away.

StuartSheehyisBack · 01/12/2023 14:18

How was the nanny "too expensive"?

Surely you were saving on nursery fees, plus you said you could survive just on your H's wage so why can't you afford a nanny comfortably with 2 wages?
That doesnt make sense

inflatablefurniture · 01/12/2023 14:18

Tell your husband things need to change. Get marriage counselling to help you sort this oit if necessary.

FucksSakeSusan · 01/12/2023 14:19

Why should she give up work just because her husband earns a lot? Is she not allowed to want a career? Would anyone say the same to a man in a similar situation?

If the roles were reversed and the mother was working long hours, she'd still be expected to find childcare when the father was on work trips. This is not different but for some reason we always let the man off the hook.

Having said that, it sounds like your situation is untenable OP. You need to put your foot down at work, or perhaps find another job with less travel. I'd also be looking for a more supportive husband but it sounds like that's not something you are looking to do.