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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

361 replies

mindsetchange · 01/12/2023 08:06

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

OP posts:
Zerosleep · 02/12/2023 17:33

My little one is just that…little and I’m dreading the time when they get to 18 and leave home, I will be devastated. I am anticipating how you feel and dreading the thought of it. We have such an amazing bond, think I will feel abandoned 😢

Middleagedspreadisreal · 02/12/2023 17:48

I feel your pain x

Infusedwithfigandhoney · 02/12/2023 17:59

shepherdsangeldelight · 02/12/2023 12:41

Parents doing things for their children when they are dependent children is a choice that they make and often the child has no say in. Plus putting a roof over your child's head, providing them with food and clothing, paying for them to do activities or go on days out (as funds allow) is basic parenting - not something you should expect your child to be grateful for forever more.

My parents are hot on the "look how much we sacrificed for you" - basically they mean they paid for me to go to a private school as a chil (which, incidentally, I hated) so I should behave in a certain way to show my appreciation of this or I am ungrateful.

Show quote history

Did you mean to say you agreed with what I posted?
You have repeated exactly what I wrote.

To the other posters
I don't expect my children to constantly have to show they are grateful/ appreciative as the alternative is neglect.

Adelyra · 02/12/2023 18:04

It's normal. It means you did a great job. Get a puppy, fill your life with girlfriends and trying new hobbies.

Julimia · 02/12/2023 18:04

Seems to me theres been some pretty good parenting along the way. You have independent successful offspring. When you need them in the future they will be there... volunrarily not out of duty.

Adelyra · 02/12/2023 18:07

I would call them instead of messaging. My mum doesn't call enough because "she doesn't want to bother us". 🙄 I find it a bit hurtful.

LaDamaDeElche · 02/12/2023 18:17

I actually find that a little sad and what is "normal" in the U.K. certainly isn't normal in many other countries. I live in Spain now and the Spanish are very family oriented and this would just be unheard of here. I see my in laws every week unless we're busy, but very rare for more than three weeks to go by without seeing them. I originally come from the north west and it's pretty common to see/be in touch with your parents regularly there too. After having spend much of my life living in London and the south, I'd say this is much more normal there, unless from a different culture. I don't see my parents all the time as I live in another country, but I do speak to them regularly on the phone. My mum is coming to live in Spain (not with me, but close to us) for 90 days next year and visits a few times a year. I feel for you OP. There's no excuse for taking days to reply to a message to your own parents on a regular basis, unless there is some backstory, which isn't the case for you.

LaDamaDeElche · 02/12/2023 18:19

I'm not in my 20's though, but what I said is still relevant to when I was and also family dynamics here in Spain and my family and friends in the north.

Annierob · 02/12/2023 18:21

I think of it asa 10 year gap. Your children grow up, get involved in their own lives and tune into parents when they need us. Trick is just be there when there is a problem, otherwise focus on your life. Then they meet someone, set up home together, then plan the wedding. You have a role. Then a little more quiet then children arrive and you see them a lot 😊
I suspect the next stage is the grandchildren grow up and then you take a back seat again.
Cherish your friends.
I think the above scenario is perfectly natural.
When young people struggle with their adult lives, that is more difficult.
Understand your pain but usually it isn’t personal.

Stellastag · 02/12/2023 18:44

Maybe organise a once a month big Sunday get together with all of the family for food?!
Actually ring them once a week?
Go visit them at their homes.
it will make you feel better

ChilledBeez · 02/12/2023 18:44

So funny & true. Mine just called me for the new one.😁

Hollybelle83 · 02/12/2023 19:01

I don't think 45 mins away is far at all. I'd happily travel that distance for a home cooked meal at my mum's. I'm sure they'll come back to you, it's just a stage of life.

YDBear · 02/12/2023 19:07

Reminds me of something I once read by a French commentator (talking about fathers, not mothers, mind) to the tune of “one day you realise your son despises you. Only then do you know he’s become a man.”
Kids growing up and buggering off used to be the rule, or at least a highly desirable rite of passage. It’s the ones that didn’t that we worried about. But after 10-15 years they will probably gravitate back, though. I had no problem with my parents but at 19 went to the other side of the world and probably wrote them 3 letters a year (this was in the days of letter writing) for the best part of 15 years and saw them maybe three times. Then as I entered middle age I suddenly discovered what nice people they actually were and we became very close—as close as you can be living 7000 miles apart anyway.

HollyNightingale · 02/12/2023 19:16

I’ve always been close to my parents, but I was probably guilty of this in my 20s. It didn’t even occur to me that they may take my inattentiveness to mean they weren’t important to me. I guess I just took it as read that they knew they were, and understood that I was enjoying my newfound freedom & independence, having fun, building a career & relationships. Now that I’m in my 30s, they see and hear from me more again. It sounds to me like you’ve done a great job as a parent; your kids have successfully flown the nest, they’re making the most of their youth and probably just take for granted that you know they love you. You may well find that things change a bit as they mature and settle down.

Nave · 02/12/2023 19:26

A dog will make all the difference. It did for me.

Kellymariet · 02/12/2023 19:41

My mum never rings me, my dad rings every week without fail or calls on FaceTime to see my little boy. Mine and his relationship is great, my mum not so much. If she can’t be bothered to check in on her daughter and grandchild, that’s on her. She’s still the mum, I would have thought she’d be worried about me/want to check we’re all getting on okay. She doesn’t, so now I resent her. Don’t do the same to your kids x

AnnieSnap · 02/12/2023 20:26

DustyLee123 · 01/12/2023 08:39

Same here. I don’t hear from them unless they want something, the total opposite to how I was with my DM, I’d ring and/or visit every week.
One of them ignores my texts, then pretends they never got them, but the other will answer.
Keep saying to yourself that you did a good job bringing up independent adults, and cry into your coffee at the same time.

Me too 😔 I think putting them on pedestals when they were kids taught them they were/are more important than anyone else 🤷‍♀️

Mumkins42 · 02/12/2023 20:53

I would have loved my mum to have been like you ❤️. She was a bit the opposite. I think it's totally understandable but I'd feel some comfort knowing they're ok and will be ok without you. That worry and fear would be worse

Bluebelle100 · 02/12/2023 20:54

Just be thankful you have done an amazing job. They will need you sooner or later just let them breathe

Lollipopsicle · 02/12/2023 20:57

Findapath · 01/12/2023 08:29

(Also, I’ve found changing the Amazon/Netflix password brings them out of the woodwork 😊)

Doesn’t it just? 🤣

Mummadeze · 02/12/2023 21:01

Reading this makes me feel bad because I was selfish and took my Mum for granted in my 20s. I spent a lot of time partying or hungover and my Mum didn’t really fit into that lifestyle. Now I have my own child and am older and wiser I absolutely love spending time with my Mum and ring her all the time. Hopefully they are going through a phase and will come out the other side of it.

tachycardigan · 02/12/2023 21:06

I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

Stop spoiling them and putting them on a pedestal!

Let them miss you, stop messaging!

Overthehillbutnotveryfar · 02/12/2023 21:22

I totally get this . In their twenties my two girls were most certainly doing their own thing and I was too - working , looking after my mum , doing stuff . Messages did not get answered very often and we didn’t actually chat that much . We met up maybe once every three months … they knew they were well loved and they could rely on me for any support they may actually have needed. They lived in far flung places . I was proud of their independence . Roll on another decade - they are settled, happy, with children and we all live 30 mins from each other and see each other more than ever. I didn’t think it would work out like this and I’m happy with it but equally if they’d found their lives on the other side of the world it would have been ok
too ! I like to think 😂

Aimvs123 · 02/12/2023 21:31

Ah it’s so hard.
I agree with the other posters it’s so good they are happy and independent.
I would also mention to them it’s a bit hurtful to not reply or even acknowledge messages. That’s a bit neglectful I agree, but that’s more about your personal wishes than what is right / wrong . Perhaps suggest to them you’d love a few more messages now and again? Other than that they will be back, when they have their own kids etc

Hbh17 · 02/12/2023 21:38

Oh for the good old days when we wrote to our folks once a week and saw them a couple of times a year - that was about right. I'm so glad I didn't have children, because the worry and stress never seems to end, even when the children are adults.