Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

Ah OP, I think this is part and parcel of the role of mum!

For what it's worth, I did see my parents weekly through my 20s but it was more out of a sense of obligation - not that I didn't want to see them (I did) but I felt guilty if I didn't see them really regularly as I felt that they were waiting around for me. It doesn't sound like your life is like that.

However, now I have a baby of my own and I see them so much more, and happily. Not because I need things from them (although they do have her while I work) but because it has opened my eyes to all they've done for me and when I think of my own baby treating me as I've treated them sometimes, I know I would hate it. But genuinely it has taken this life shift for me to see it.

So I do think what you've described is very normal. As you're all so busy, I'd definitely advise setting a date for a family lunch every month or something like that - one Sunday a month you get together, or get together with one of them, and book it in in advance so none of you can be 'too busy'.

@FreshWinterMorning I live 4 hours from my family. My DCs birthday was recently. There was grandparents, cousins, aunts, siblings all in my house regardless of distance, so DC could have a lovely family party.

I've been 4 hours from my family for over a decade. Aside from a couple when I was heavily pregnant/had just given birth I've been at EVERY major family event. And if I couldn't make it with work, I've done something different with them. My family are here every few weeks taking DC on days out and doing things with them. They're on video call every few days because DC ask for them.

30 miles is nothing, it shouldn't stop this if its what you all want.

Honestly try not to take it to heart perhaps a different approach.

I would call or message my mum back on the walk home from work, but then I moved and had to start driving so couldn't do that.

If they are taking 3 days to respond is there a pattern e.g. do they respond more during the working week or the weekend, in the mornings or the evenings

Maybe you'd be better of messaging once a week?

My mum once message my sibling and I urgent call me

I left work desk immediately went to kitchen only private space and called her...she was shopping and wanted to know what bottle to get for Christmas... had to sit her down after that 🤣

I know what you mean - though recently got told by problematic family it was my own fault as I had no interest or hobbies.

This upset me as I do but no childcare and limited funds tended to mean we all did them as a family and somehow this then meant they weren't mine anymore and if kids have carried interests on into study or own hobbies it's nothing to do with my/our input. If I did spend time and money on just me that at time was also very wrong - so does feel what ever I did I was in wrong there.

I do think all you can do though is keep communication going keep other aspects of your life going or given them more time attention and maybe odd polite reminder you are human with feelings.

Haha yes, the TV. Going out to dinner is a waste of money (and yes I always pay). Going for a walk is pointless. It feels like they just want me there for the sake of it.

My sister is mid 20s and speaks to my mum once a week and visits every few weeks. Mum texts her regularly and when she comes home they spend one on one time together. I'm older by 10 years and I speak to mum every day but I work part time compared to my sisters full time and I have 3 kids who want to speak to their nan daily. I think it is just a stage of life thing. My mum works now and she didn't when we were younger so that gets her out of the house she also does date nights with dad and meet ups with friends to keep her busier. Do you have any hobbies that you could indulge in? I probably wouldn't speak to them about it as I wouldn't want then to get on the defensive but I would keep being loving and supportive and invite them around at least once a month for a family meal.

I've not read all replies but I have two adult children, both went away to Uni & didn't come home & now have successful lives miles and miles away.
Our saving grace and the way we've stayed close is our family Messenger group, not a day goes by without that pinging away about life in general. Photos of the cat doing silly things, memes we've seen on the Internet, news, selfies (them!!), everything.
I never ring for a long chat, everything is done on Messenger and the odd private message if its something they feel not everyone will be interested in.
Short, sharp, regular and often very funny!
It's kept us very close and works for us.

It’s great they’ve got good relationships and jobs and you’re fulfilled too! Mine are a bit younger, both at uni but come home during term time where my dd un particular is quite ‘clingy’ to me when in!
I find if they’re doing well we get less communication than if they’re struggling- I’d def prefer the former.
What do you do when you see them?

Do you seriously hold this attitude to your own parents? That you owe them nothing?

Was your mother Maharishi Mahesh Yogi?

@MsRosley

Do you seriously hold this attitude to your own parents? That you owe them nothing?

I think a GOOD adult child / parent relationship is about wanting to spend time together rather than obligation, debt, duty.

and the OP expresses regret that her adult children don’t NEED her

she's also described telling her daughter how she’s wrong (eg about spiders in Australia)

well, successful adult children should not NEED you if you’ve done a good job. And want them to need you is, exactly being needy, and (still) seeking to define yourself as a mother, and perhaps seeking to direct or shape their lives (see the spider thing. The OP’s DD is an adult, she will find that out herself and figure it out, the OP should stay out of it).

my PIL are needy and seek to overly direct their adult children’s lives. Hence both their children have made their lives in the U.K. thousands of miles away from over bearing PIL.

back to a good relationship- it’s about being pro-active - suggesting a activity to do together. And when they are young adults being prepared to make the running in terms of travelling to them, booking the place for lunch, etc.

Mikimoto

My mother lives in (and I’m from) a community in California established by Krishnamurti.
The teachings of his polar opposite, Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, are still a big part of our town, known for its beautiful hilltop meditation centre. I practice TM.
My mum, however, is just my mum, not Maharishi Mahesh Yogi. 😁

I think sometimes you have to be careful what you say to parents especially a mum who has made sacrifices in their life . My dad left us and took his money with him my mum suffered so much trying to get what we needed to live , I was so proud of her even when she fucked it up sometimes. She really tried hard and sometimes she really needed me as she was so broken . She died 2 years ago I hope I told her enough how much I loved her and I hope she didn't feel like a burden to me and I hoped she died knowing how much I loved her. My father's actions really affected my mental health and I sometimes struggled while raising my kids but I think I did ok no worse than anyone else, my eldest DD on the other hand told me just last year that my best was not good enough ! i have learned not to let this comment affect me or mould who i am . So I know for a fact that my DD doesn't want to spend time with me . I have done and put up with so much for her and I do feel used and cheated . There is no such thing as unconditional love and it isn't a level playing field . I am a person before I am a parent .

The issue with sacrificing everything and then placing unrealistic demands on your DC is that it doesn't work.
Relationships are not transactional.
It's manipulative to say your adult DC should do xyz because of what you did.
They need to make their own choices in life.
Mothers cannot make up for the absent fathers and children in turn can't make up for the absent husband.
It's a form of parentification to say " I gave you so much , you owe me xyz"
Life does not work like that.

🤗

This!

The one of my dcs who contacts me the most and needs most support, is the one who is the most emotionally vulnerable. I would give anything not to hear from them for WEEKS because they were too busy with life and having fun.

When I don't hear from the others i know life is going well for them. They have exciting new jobs, friends all having significant birthdays, weekends overseas for weddings . They don't think to contact me, most of the time, while life is going really well - and that's fine by me. Tbf I was exactly the same at their age and my parents were very laid back about it.

This really resonates with me. I think I've seen DS maybe twice this year

How long did you see him, were they quick visits or longer periods. Twice in a whole year seems very little. That would make me sad.

That sounds very hard and like you did your best.

Giving your daughter her space, as much as she wants is the way to go IMO.

My friends sister has a situation not unlike yours.

Her narc husband upped and left and she worked very hard as a teacher to do her very best over the past 20 years.

Her ex-husband did Disney dad and undermined her all the way, throwing money at her two daughters throughout their teens and 20's, whilst her mother did all the tough parenting and providing of housing etc.

Her eldest was more like her father and hasn't always been kind to her mother and has gone periods barely contacting her unless she needed something, whilst enjoying her fathers money and always praising him to heaven for all HIS generosity to her.

Two years ago the eldest got married and her fathers +1 turned out to be with a glamorous woman that he was clearly mad about, totally smitten.

Since the wedding the father has now suddenly remarried and is no longer particularly interested in his daughters and his generosity has really dried up.

This has all come up because daughter is now pregnant, coinciding with her mothers retirement from teaching and she has said she was expecting her mother to CM for a couple of days for her.

She has been kindly told that it will not be happening in any shape or form.
Her mother is absolutely intending on enjoying her retirement.
My friend is so pleased for her sister that she has taken this stance.
She has been the best she could have been, in difficult circumstances and it has been very thankless with her eldest.
She is not now prepared to sacrifice her retirement looking after grandchildren.

Parenting often involves a lot of sacrifice, and most mothers do their best.

It is ok to say when our children harshly judge us, despite genuinely having done our best, "I accept your judgement and wish you only the best".

It is amazing how some harsh judgements clear quickly when children hit their 30's and gain some real life experience.

Wishing you well.

To be honest she can have all the space she wants , she's an adult and has no excuse I'm done with her and have no intention of having any future relationship with her. Unfortunately some of us do have an adult child that no matter what you do for them or how much you support them emotionally we will always be the lowest on their list. I really feel for anyone going through this and @mindsetchange is right to feel sad and unloved because of it . Being a mother at times is brutal and lonely and when it goes wrong it's us mothers who get the blame for it .

Just out of interest OP did you spend much time with your parents at their age? Or where uour parents or partners parents in your lives as they where growing. I think that also makes a difference when thinking about how often we contact our parents.

Also, parents generally only make sacrifices while the kids are young. And it's an ever reducing level of care and sacrifice needed as kids get older and more independent (I am excluding possible financial help eg university support or help with a deposit for a house).

But if say you had your kids at 30, your kids are adults when you are 50 and you could live another 40 years. That's a long time to expect your kids to kowtow to your every need.

Parents doing things for their children when they are dependent children is a choice that they make and often the child has no say in. Plus putting a roof over your child's head, providing them with food and clothing, paying for them to do activities or go on days out (as funds allow) is basic parenting - not something you should expect your child to be grateful for forever more.

My parents are hot on the "look how much we sacrificed for you" - basically they mean they paid for me to go to a private school as a chil (which, incidentally, I hated) so I should behave in a certain way to show my appreciation of this or I am ungrateful.

@enchantedsquirrelwood

we can and should be grateful to our parents

@shepherdsangeldelight

why is it so bad to expect a bit of gratitude and appreciation as a parent?!

I also think it's about paying for their transport to come over - the train tickets in this case - and having a roast together. I know you could say you shouldn't have to...

My parents complain we don't visit them but they never visit us as we are both working with two children at school. They are both retired and have plenty of money. If they offered to pay for our tickets and/ Airbnb (they downsized and we can't stay with them anymore) we'd see them far more often. We've spent the last four holidays with them but it costs the same to visit them as to have a holiday anywhere else for a week...