Adult children - feeling a bit unloved

[mindsetchange]

Is this just the way it is, for a lot of us Mums of adult children? My kids are mid 20's. They have successful lives. They have good jobs and relationships. I am very grateful for that. But.... I don't feel important to them. Maybe that's how it should be?

If I send a Whatsapp message, it sits unread for days. They don't visit often. There is definitely nothing "wrong" between us, because when I do see them, we have a great time. There have been no fall outs or anything. I think they are probably just enjoying their very full lives and I've been left in the dust, so to speak.

I have a good DH, and a good life. I think I need to somehow stop thinking about them all the time. How does one do that? Can anyone resonate with this? I sometimes see women who seem to be the "Matriarch", but that is definitely not me. I spoiled them rotten (still do), I really went overboard to compensate for me divorcing their Dad (he cheated lots). Bizarrely, he seems to be on a pedestal as well.

I struggled similarly with my 4. I assumed this was empty nest syndrome. I saw a counsellor.
She said that if my children don't contact me, it's because my ex and I brought them up right. We supported them to be independent. That this was something to be pleased about.
I saw the patriarchal and material families too. My counsellor said, you don't know what goes on, perhaps they cling on to their children.
She said, your children know where you are, if they asked for help, would you give it?
I said, unhesitatingly.
She said, of course you would. So now, like them, you are free. People are typically healthy longer and alive longer. Go for cocktails with your girlfriends. Go on breaks on your own. Find new things to do. Have you considered going back to work?
Over the last 3 years I have acquired 3 big dogs. I take them walking, swimming and for massages. I have made new friends in the dog world.
Now at 66 I have got a place on teacher training, alongside kids of 21 and people in between. It's brutally hard at this age and I feel awkward that I don't seem to learn as fast. The first couple of months I went to sleep at 6pm and awoke at 05:30. Some days I make mistakes and feel I am useless.
But like my children, I have a life too.
I am here for them. But so far they don't need me much.
But my youngest and I occasionally have long conversations about his career and mine. I message my eldest son and his wife, both teachers, and they sympathise and suggest things.
Some days I am depleted and overwhelmed and alone and broken and on my knees and crying.
But I things going for me. I know how to find joy in a life of service by putting my loved ones first.
I have a life now, just like my children.
And we don't speak all the time, but they are interested and I think they quite admire me, because I have my own life, not just talking about theirs.
I am not saying this is for anyone else, we are all unique.
If you have a lifetime of putting your kids first, you become a person of a certain shape. And when they go you feel you are the wrong shape for anything else.
You are not.
You are a mother. Your love is fierce. You are a tiger Mama. You are amazing. You are deserving.
Go get that new life girl. Your children will still be out there. Go and amaze them with who you are and what you can do.
Impress them. Impress yourself.
God bless you all. I wish you all the very finest of lives xx

I agree it must be so painful and then they do gravitate back usually when they have dc.

Every single time 🤣😅

I wouldn’t worry OP… I had very little to do with any of my family in my 20’s. Too busy doing life. By the time I was in my 30’s I settled and was interested in them again. In my 40’s I even moved back in with my mum! My family are my life now !

Maybe your daughter wont stay in Australia.forever. The spiders could be a big factor here!

she may get home sick and miss her familY, it isnt for everyone

hopefully for you!

they owe you nothing. if they don't care about you then no amount of moaning will change that. if you 'spoiled them rotten' then maybe that has something to do with it. find something constructive to do with your time instead of getting down about people who don't want to hang out with you. ignore them and see what happens. thank F i never had kids

I think many of us have felt what you do. They love you and you’ve done a great job. Being successful as a mum is painful… they’ve fled the nest and are living their lives as they are supposed to. Keep sending the messages and don’t make a big deal of it. When they reply leave it a bit before you do, and maybe say things like oh I was just thinking about you, how are you? Being needy will make them guilty. I have two daughters. One calls functionally, less often, and when she needs advice, or thinks I need help. The other calls for long conversations whenever she has time and expects me to be available at a drop of a hat. Both love me, I know, and they know I love them. At this stage in life they are still learning to be independent. There will be disappointments, even tragedies, and many good times ahead. Be there, and I suspect you are a quietly strong matriarch in their lives. You rock xx

To the hackney bloke…..You sound sad. Call your mum.

Wow , I wouldn't want to be your mum .

As someone who was the said 20 year old who was busy, it is very normal and not a reflection on you. My husbands mum tried harder than mine and would invite us for dinner every week or two so we did catch up that way, perhaps that would be an option? We would then invite her back etc.

You will come back into your own if they have children too. They will never be off the phone and arranging to see you / drop off children 😂 it’s came full circle that way for us now we have a baby.

in the meantime could you enjoy your freedom and do some social things with friends / even join some local things to widen friendship groups etc? That’s what my mother in law also done and she has a great social live with regular lunches and overnights away with friends etc x

I feel this too. One DS away at Uni for his final year .Pleased he has such a full life ,good friends and independent but I wish we were closer. I was so close to my parents ,my mum especially .He does make an effort sometimes joined us for a few days holiday but he doesn’t really talk to us .All I can do is get on with my own life and am here if he needs us.

Call them. Role model that calling so they can learn to do it too.
Mine are also neglectful but I share 2 calls a week with uni daughter now, it took a while to get it regular.
My eldest is now in touch more often but I just kept communication up. Even trite voice messages when they didn't pick up. Hi, I love you. Miss you. Call me when you can? Love, Mum xx
Call them :-)

I find it quite annoying that the reason given for a son/daughter to eventually want to acknowledge there own mum is having children , which again highlights the fact that some only contact their mum when they want something ( child care ) . I have first hand experience of the tantrum that ensued when I explained that I wouldn't do childcare as I have my own life and and job . My DD only wanted to meet up for coffee to ask for child care , doesn't want to meet up for coffee anymore 🤔 funny that eh ?

I think a lot of us are in the same boat. I love the idea of organising a lunch in their town but I think you should focus on your social circle and developing an active social life. I'm sure they will want closer ties with you as their lives move forward. Dwelling on their lack of contact and imaging closer ties with your ex becomes destructive.

@Wiccan I'm sorry you feel used by your DD but I don't think people are suggesting it's purely about childcare - I think it's often more a combination of having children makes you feel more connected to your parents and starting a family also changes your lifestyle.

We see my parents a lot more since we had children and they have only done one hour of childcare once. It's partly things like we now have a bigger house and so can host them etc. Also my parents are keener too now that there are grandchildren - which you can see with the OP as well, she talks about not wanting to turn down lucrative work to make plans with her DC now but when grandchildren arrive, she plans to close her business for a few weeks at a time..

No that isn't what I meant . Child care is just one example . I personally don't put my level of worth as to how many grandchildren there are and it's not my purpose in life . I refused to do it myself but I have a couple of friends who have admitted that they only look after grandchildren because they know they won't see there son / daughter otherwise . That is absolutely despicable that a parent feels obligated in that way .

I agree

I was just trying to say that when other posters have said "it will change when they have children" that that change isn't necessarily all about using grandparents for childcare, it's a more general life change

So very sorry to read this, can understand how difficult this must be for you.

Just interested to know if they ever invite you to go and see them and if they do whether or not you go.

I think a lot of the issue is we live in a world of instant responses but it is not always possible to respond straight away, however, as a Mum you would hope for better.

I think the fact you say you spoilt them rotten also has something to do with the situation. Perhaps you could just try and mention this to them or instead of messaging give them a ring.

You sound like a fabulous Mum who has shown her children a lot of love and I hope you resolve the situation.

Why either or though?

do BOTH

so organise a regular meet up that works for them (you travel to them, you pay, both)

AND get on with your own life.

if you’re meeting adult kids for lunch once a month that’s plenty of time to focus on your own life too.

parents of adult children should not expect their lives to revolve around them.

Your posts really resonated with me, but from the child’s point of view so to speak.

For example, you describe how it’s difficult to plan things in advance because of work and my mum is the same. She also tends to make last minute plans because of jobs coming up for her, and then becomes upset and feels rejected when me and my sibling are busy. There seems to be a lack of understanding from her that this isn’t how we, as adults, live our lives, and that we like to plan ahead. It’s not that we’re prioritising other things over her but that we plan things differently. To be fair to her, she’s starting to leave space in her weekends for us. It took grandchildren arriving on the scene for her to really see the distance that had grown between us and want to address that.

She has the flexibility of being self-employed which I assume is your situation too? I know that being self employed will come with financial stresses that might mean you have to take every job that comes your way. However, I think it’s worth considering if you can reassess the balance you have between work and seeing your children? I know I feel very frustrated when my mum is unavailable to see us because of work, as it plays out the pattern of my childhood where work always came first and my needs weren’t necessarily met.

Also, you send texts but are you making the effort to cross beyond this quite superficial form of communication? Could it be that your children are equally frustrated by what they perhaps view as a lack of effort on your part? Are you making the effort to spend time with them and get to know them as their adult selves? These are genuine questions, I may be well off the mark here and actually your situation is nothing like mine. It all sounded so familiar to me though that I thought I’d pose what could be some of the feelings your children’s could be having too.

my mum was cruel....and disinherited her kids whenever they disagreed with her about something (flat earth/moon landings/covid vaccine).
she disowned me then called me 25 years later when there was nobody left in her life and expected me to 'let bygones be bygones blah blah'. i was polite but remained aloof. she flew into a rage when she realised i wasn't going to meet her demands...then died a year later. it was a relief. so.....not 'sad' - since she can't hurt me any more. some people have no idea when it comes to parenting...but you can't blame them since they get no training (we live in a strange society). we have no idea how kids are going to turn out....but if they don't turn out the way we want then maybe we should learn to accept it and not guilt-trip them into having contact with us.

Very unfortunate how your mum was but I don't think any of the mums posting here are trying to guilt trip their adult kids . We are just trying to have a more consistent relationship .

I imagine my mum would say exactly the same. The problem I have with that is that she makes no effort to contact me/invite me to something or make any arrangements. I have to do it all so yes we do see her less than we would if she made more of an effort. I did tell her this once but her reply was that I was so busy and she didn’t know when to phone me and nothing changed.

I suggest if you want to see your adult children more you invite them like you would with a friend - come round for dinner, fancy watching this with me at the theatre etc. don’t leave all the work to them. I’d love for my mum to make the effort for once and suggest something to me, I’d say yes as much as I possibly could, but I can’t see that happening so she gets to see us once every couple of months when I can be bothered to arrange something. Very one sided.

See this just wouldn't happen with me and my mam cos she'd be on the phone asking if I'm ok because I hadn't replied 🙈