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Original poster

I've just made myself look so insecure and desperate haven't I?

424 replies

arghksk · 30/11/2023 21:32

Been on 4 dates with a guy I met around 7 weeks ago (dates been slow due to my schedule). Wasn't too fussed on him at first but starting to like him and look forward to hearing from him.

However, I am aware I have an anxious attachment style but recently I have noticed a change in the tone of our texts. He still initiates equally but the texts are short, there is less banter on his side, hardly any questions etc. There's just been a change and I feel I am carrying the conversation even when he texts first.

He has said he isn't chatting or seeing anyone but of course that's really none of my business. I do wonder if he's met someone else but once again not sure if I'm just being paranoid due to my attachment style.

Tonight I sent him this text, 'Is everything okay? I feel like the tone in our messages have changed and I’m just bugging you. Just say if I am x'

He replied, 'nah just watching the football x'

I am cringing now and feel like I've made myself appear so desperate and needy now.

Have I? Is that quite a dismissive text he sent? I really don't know if I can do this. I feel so so so triggered and feel sick to my stomach. Can't eat properly as this knot in my stomach.

Struggle to see the wood from the trees, whether it's my issues or whether something is really wrong.

OP posts:
appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:12

arghksk · 01/12/2023 18:10

What specific comment? At this moment I am barely managing tbh

Show quote history

Your total and utter obsession with a man who you have only been on four dates with. It's really really odd

Original poster
arghksk · 01/12/2023 18:13

@appallingadvice glad you don't have an anxious attachment style and have never went through this. I know it's unhinged and not rational

OP posts:
HarryOHayandBettyOBarley · 01/12/2023 18:14

Well I don't think I'm a vulnerable person. But I'd be telling them to concentrate on themselves. However it's very easy to give advice which you struggle to take yourself.

You are making excuses for yourself to yourself. You recognise that you have attachment issues. You are willing to make put up with it because that’s how you are. You won’t listen to people trying to protect you from getting hurt.
What did you hope to gain from starting this thread?

Bilbo63 · 01/12/2023 18:14

No, but it could help you to be more objective well, that was my reasoning anyway.

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:14

I mean you need some level of maturity to hold down a job. You are coming across like a slightly unhinged 13 year old!

InAPickle12345 · 01/12/2023 18:15

arghksk · 01/12/2023 18:01

His dog has had a seizure so I reckon laying the groundwork to cancel tomorrow

Oooh, that could be likely...

At this point, if it was me, I would just send a text now and say 'I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope the dog is okay. Don't worry about tomorrow night, I think we should cancel anyway as it doesn't seem either of us are really feeling this too much anymore. Really good meeting you, take care and all the best.'

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:15

arghksk · 01/12/2023 18:13

@appallingadvice glad you don't have an anxious attachment style and have never went through this. I know it's unhinged and not rational

So what are you going to do about it?

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 18:17

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:08

OP, I don't want to be mean but the more I read this thread the more totally unhinged you sound. How on earth are you holding down a job?

I don’t think that’s very fair. She’s on an anonymous forum sharing her inner thoughts.

We all have irrational and bonkers thoughts. It’s human. I hold down a very professional job. I’m very good at. You wouldn’t believe the bonkers stuff that goes on my mind on a bad day. I actually felt so cross with DH the other day I briefly imagined stabbing him in the hand with a fork. I wouldn’t of course but I can’t help my feelings and the daft thoughts my brain sends me, any more than I can control the weather. I can control what I do and this is the work for the OP. Just because you feel insecure doesn’t mean you have to act in it.

The OP clearly has some personal growth to do, as she has said herself, but don’t we all? We are all a bit unhinged in our own unique ways. If you are saying you have no irrational thoughts or emotions then I think you aren’t fully aware of your inner world.

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:17

It almost seems a bit OCD-ish. Have you explored medication at all that might help?

Bilbo63 · 01/12/2023 18:20

I don't think your behaviour is as odd as some think. I think you have been out of the dating scene for a long time, have some baggage (that you are aware of) and would also like to meet someone nice. The dating scene is quite harsh (I think) and has really changed in recent years. But I still can't get over him telling you he was going for a wank - but I am 52 - practically Victorian 😂

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 18:20

arghksk · 01/12/2023 18:13

@appallingadvice glad you don't have an anxious attachment style and have never went through this. I know it's unhinged and not rational

I think you sound like you are on a journey with this. It takes a lifetime to get to know ourselves properly and some people never bother to try. Good for you for noticing what’s going on and what’s getting in the way of how you want to live your life.

I wouldn’t waste anymore time on this guy. Let him go. The whole ‘wank’ message was really off. You deserve better.

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:21

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 18:17

I don’t think that’s very fair. She’s on an anonymous forum sharing her inner thoughts.

We all have irrational and bonkers thoughts. It’s human. I hold down a very professional job. I’m very good at. You wouldn’t believe the bonkers stuff that goes on my mind on a bad day. I actually felt so cross with DH the other day I briefly imagined stabbing him in the hand with a fork. I wouldn’t of course but I can’t help my feelings and the daft thoughts my brain sends me, any more than I can control the weather. I can control what I do and this is the work for the OP. Just because you feel insecure doesn’t mean you have to act in it.

The OP clearly has some personal growth to do, as she has said herself, but don’t we all? We are all a bit unhinged in our own unique ways. If you are saying you have no irrational thoughts or emotions then I think you aren’t fully aware of your inner world.

Show quote history

I would say this is extreme

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:24

@Picturequestion this is a guy who she said she wasn't too fussed about 7 weeks ago and now the OP is analysing every text and asking for opinions from strangers about what they could mean. It doesn't exactly scream sanity..

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 18:24

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:21

I would say this is extreme

Show quote history

But you have the snap shots. You don’t have the whole context. Have you never obsessed over something? Like when you relive something embarrassing you did?

I think the thoughts are normal doubts for someone with some insecurities. I think the learning for the OP is to not act on them.

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:24

@Picturequestion have you read the whole thread?

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 18:27

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:24

@Picturequestion this is a guy who she said she wasn't too fussed about 7 weeks ago and now the OP is analysing every text and asking for opinions from strangers about what they could mean. It doesn't exactly scream sanity..

So you’ve called her unhinged and are now questioning her sanity? I think she’s in a pickle with big emotions and hasn’t managed to put the breaks on her behaviour. I don’t think you have enough information (or indeed expertise) to say these things and they are unkind and unhelpful, which I think, says much more about you than the OP.

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 18:28

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:24

@Picturequestion have you read the whole thread?

Yes. And the emotions are all over the place and intense and she hasn’t reigned in her actions. But that’s ALL we know. To question her sanity and doubt her ability to hold down a job is pretty unkind and based on very little information or expertise.

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:30

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 18:27

So you’ve called her unhinged and are now questioning her sanity? I think she’s in a pickle with big emotions and hasn’t managed to put the breaks on her behaviour. I don’t think you have enough information (or indeed expertise) to say these things and they are unkind and unhelpful, which I think, says much more about you than the OP.

Show quote history

Read the whole thread and I guarantee you will share my exasperation and diagnosis. I challenge you!

i honestly don't know how else to drum in some sense to this woman

beatrix1234 · 01/12/2023 18:31

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:24

@Picturequestion this is a guy who she said she wasn't too fussed about 7 weeks ago and now the OP is analysing every text and asking for opinions from strangers about what they could mean. It doesn't exactly scream sanity..

A major anxious attachment combined with some very low standards with men is a terrible combo when it comes to OLD, it does things like make you obsess over a new very flaky guy who just texted you "sorry can't be bothered with you because I'm having a wank".OLD is already a mine field even if you have high standards and a secure attachment style let alone...

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:31

Picturequestion · 01/12/2023 18:28

Yes. And the emotions are all over the place and intense and she hasn’t reigned in her actions. But that’s ALL we know. To question her sanity and doubt her ability to hold down a job is pretty unkind and based on very little information or expertise.

Show quote history

I'm pointing out that as she CAN hold down a job so she is in not as hopelessly in thrall to her anxious avoidant style as she seems to think

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:33

beatrix1234 · 01/12/2023 18:31

A major anxious attachment combined with some very low standards with men is a terrible combo when it comes to OLD, it does things like make you obsess over a new very flaky guy who just texted you "sorry can't be bothered with you because I'm having a wank".OLD is already a mine field even if you have high standards and a secure attachment style let alone...

Edited
Show quote history

Yep I understand that. So the obvious solution is NOT TO DO IT ANY MORE! Which is what most people have been advising the OP. But anyway...

beatrix1234 · 01/12/2023 18:39

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 18:33

Yep I understand that. So the obvious solution is NOT TO DO IT ANY MORE! Which is what most people have been advising the OP. But anyway...

Show quote history

I agree with you, I don't think the OP is mentally well equipped to handle OLD and she's going to be faced with some horrible experiences like the car crash presently waiting to happen but hey ho it's her life. I'm not sure why she opened this thread as she seems to see no wrong about this situation.

Paulisexcluded · 01/12/2023 18:42

OP I have an anxious attachment style, almost certainly linked to childhood trauma.

I feel that you are getting quite a hard time but also that those giving you a hard time (haven't read the whole thread sorry) are on your side, if exasperated. I agree with the kind thoughts of @Picturequestion .

I think that texting with men is super overrated and not too much should be read into non comital or brief replies.

Haven't read the wank related bit.

I think that focusing too much on texting is a real head fuck.

Get to know the real person and if he's not asking as many questions it could easily be because the real life stuff is more important. Just use messaging to make arrangements.

Good luck and as you already know FOCUS ON YOURSELF!

Original poster
arghksk · 01/12/2023 18:44

I do see problems with the situation, I do know it's a car crash waiting to happen. But there's still this voice in my head that's saying 'you're being paranoid, this could be a nice guy and you're self sabotaging.'

As I've said I am well aware my thoughts, feelings and actions surrounding this are not normal nor healthy. I guess I posted on here to vent and feel not so alone as I can't speak to anyone about this. Who can I openly speak about this to that wouldn't also think I'm unhinged? It's making me Ill and I see it happening and I know what to do to stop it. But it's like I'm watching from the sidelines. It's like I'm self destructing (something I always seem to go back to) and I do this to punish myself.

I am self aware, very self aware. I just haven't dealt with my issues yet and don't feel I can without professional help. As I've said, when this falls through I will not be dating again until I've had intensive therapy. I was not looking for this, I met him at a wedding. Not OLD.

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 01/12/2023 18:49

arghksk · 01/12/2023 18:44

I do see problems with the situation, I do know it's a car crash waiting to happen. But there's still this voice in my head that's saying 'you're being paranoid, this could be a nice guy and you're self sabotaging.'

As I've said I am well aware my thoughts, feelings and actions surrounding this are not normal nor healthy. I guess I posted on here to vent and feel not so alone as I can't speak to anyone about this. Who can I openly speak about this to that wouldn't also think I'm unhinged? It's making me Ill and I see it happening and I know what to do to stop it. But it's like I'm watching from the sidelines. It's like I'm self destructing (something I always seem to go back to) and I do this to punish myself.

I am self aware, very self aware. I just haven't dealt with my issues yet and don't feel I can without professional help. As I've said, when this falls through I will not be dating again until I've had intensive therapy. I was not looking for this, I met him at a wedding. Not OLD.

My apologies OP, it sounded like you had met this guy on OLD as you were saying he was a bit of a stranger that you were getting to know. Maybe you want to step back a little bit from the dating game, get some therapy, work on your issues and come back with more "tools" to better handle dating so you don't entertain car crashes any more? Just a suggestion.