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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was we unreasonable to withdraw our child from a school church service?

830 replies

Dad0f1 · 30/11/2023 12:01

Hello everyone new member here just looking for some advice/reassurance that I/we've made the right decision regarding withdrawing our child from a church service at school.

So our DS who is our first child started Reception this September at our local CofE primary school and although neither myself or my OH are church goers we felt that this was the best school for him as the other practical nearby choices were a RC school or a two form entry state school which our DS would not have coped with.

And to be fair our DS has settled in nicely making lots of new friends and seems to be enjoying it however, the other week we was informed that the children would be attending a 'School Communion Service' in the nearby church that the school is attached to and not having a clue what this was I enquired with the Head of RE what the service entailed, how involved DS would be in the service and what was expected of him during the service.

As I suspected the service was in their words 'a simplified child friendly version of the Holy Communion Service' which would include bread and wine for those who were confirmed (as apparantly the children are offered the option to be confirmed if they wish in Y6) but the Reverend overseeing ther service likes to get the children involved so will offer all the children confirmed or not a wafer if they want one.
Also 'prompts' would flash up on a big screen at various points during the service to let the children know when to say 'Amen' etc.

Now to the reason why I/we chose to withdraw my DS from this service. Although the Head of RE made a point to explain that worship is voluntary at the school and that the children are free to take part in worship as much or as little as they wish. I very much doubt that children aged 4 or 5 can grasp the concept of this especially as they are at an age where they want to please the adults around them.
This is also made difficult for them not to be involved if they wish when they have 'prompts' flashing up on a big screen to help/nudge them into reciting a paticular phrase and when everyone around them is then repeating it parrot fashion.

Whilst we do want our DS to learn about Christianity we also want him to make up his own mind about whether to accept it or reject it in later life.
So AI/WBU to withdraw him from school church services that are being conducted like this or should I let him experience them bearing in mind his young age?

OP posts:
avenue1 · 30/11/2023 12:42

Couldn't you have allowed him to go but requested he didn't take communion? Seems an easy compromise...

empee47 · 30/11/2023 12:43

It’s a bit like going to a steakhouse then moaning that there’s no vegetarian food - YABVU OP!

Andthereyougo · 30/11/2023 12:43

It’s a learning experience for your child. A different place, walking round as a class etc.. are all part of the early school experience.
I live between the village school and church and there’s always lots of excited chatter when the kids are walking between the two.
Your dc will be introduced to different aspects of different religions and he’ll be missing out if you pull him from them all.

reesewithoutaspoon · 30/11/2023 12:43

I'm an atheist. I would let them go. nothing puts you off religion faster than a boring church service in a cold church will do.

Hayliebells · 30/11/2023 12:43

I understand you're not religious, but pulling him out is way ott. It's good to experience religious services, it's just life experience and part of understanding different religions. It doesn't mean he's going to become Christian. If they were going on a class visit to a Hindu temple, or mosque, or synagogue (as schools often do), would you have pulled him out of one of their services too? Tbh I think you were a little nieve if you thought religious services and celebrations weren't going to be a regular part of a church school. Don't make him that child whose always pulled out of them due to your slightly unreasonable (given you chose this school) sensibilities.

dammit88 · 30/11/2023 12:43

OP: AIBU?

Everyone: Yes you are.

OP: No i'm not.

Ok then ....

PurpleWisteria1 · 30/11/2023 12:44

Dad0f1 · 30/11/2023 12:01

Hello everyone new member here just looking for some advice/reassurance that I/we've made the right decision regarding withdrawing our child from a church service at school.

So our DS who is our first child started Reception this September at our local CofE primary school and although neither myself or my OH are church goers we felt that this was the best school for him as the other practical nearby choices were a RC school or a two form entry state school which our DS would not have coped with.

And to be fair our DS has settled in nicely making lots of new friends and seems to be enjoying it however, the other week we was informed that the children would be attending a 'School Communion Service' in the nearby church that the school is attached to and not having a clue what this was I enquired with the Head of RE what the service entailed, how involved DS would be in the service and what was expected of him during the service.

As I suspected the service was in their words 'a simplified child friendly version of the Holy Communion Service' which would include bread and wine for those who were confirmed (as apparantly the children are offered the option to be confirmed if they wish in Y6) but the Reverend overseeing ther service likes to get the children involved so will offer all the children confirmed or not a wafer if they want one.
Also 'prompts' would flash up on a big screen at various points during the service to let the children know when to say 'Amen' etc.

Now to the reason why I/we chose to withdraw my DS from this service. Although the Head of RE made a point to explain that worship is voluntary at the school and that the children are free to take part in worship as much or as little as they wish. I very much doubt that children aged 4 or 5 can grasp the concept of this especially as they are at an age where they want to please the adults around them.
This is also made difficult for them not to be involved if they wish when they have 'prompts' flashing up on a big screen to help/nudge them into reciting a paticular phrase and when everyone around them is then repeating it parrot fashion.

Whilst we do want our DS to learn about Christianity we also want him to make up his own mind about whether to accept it or reject it in later life.
So AI/WBU to withdraw him from school church services that are being conducted like this or should I let him experience them bearing in mind his young age?

What on Earth OP?
Let me get this straight-
You chose a CofE school for your child.
Now you are taking him out of the worship parts because you don’t agree with it? What on Earth did you expect? CofE schools have a very regular worship element- church services, prayers twice a day, regular assemblies praising and thanking god. If you take your child out every time there is a church service or worship assembly they will certainly feel different to other kids- and that’s on you. YOU chose the school- not your child’s fault and they certainly shouldn’t be made to feel different or not included in what everyone else is doing because of your poor research and planning into which school he goes to.
No, you are not reasonable.
Your poor child.

Rosa · 30/11/2023 12:44

YABU he will feel worse about being singled out to miss things like this and the majority of schools do provide lessons and introductions to other religions . Plus it also helps for them to understand how to behave when attending other services of other religions in the future. BUt it seems you don[t like what the majority of people are saying and are going to do what you want !... Save the taking out for anything above elementary when they have an understanding of how they wantto believe !

Loopyloooooo · 30/11/2023 12:44

Kindly OP, I think you might be overthinking it. If let him join in, I wouldn't want mine to feel "left out" when so wee, you did choose to let him attend a C of E school. It's a good way for him to learn about the religion too, it doesn't mean anything in terms of practicing it if you/ he (when older) don't believe in any of it anyway.

eardefender · 30/11/2023 12:44

Get a grip OP. They are not trying to indoctrinate him into a satanic cult FGS.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2023 12:44

At the primary school I worked in there were JW children who had to sit in Reception during assembly (obviously they didn't do Christmas/Easter etc either)

They used to have their noses pressed up against the glass singing along with the hymns. And they hated not doing the fun things the other children did for any religious festival

brogueish · 30/11/2023 12:45

I hear you, and I think I'd be a bit unhappy about the wafer thing too. I also agree with PP that religion has no place in state education and I wish we'd had a non-C of E option here. (I was not v impressed when Diwali was introduced as a Muslim festival, for example...)

That said, this won't have the meaning for your child that it does to you, it is a learning experience, and their friends will be doing it with them, so I would probably go along with it. We've got a few books about world religions at home and all faith is in the context of "some people believe...". No idea if it helps to balance things or not but it makes us feel a bit better.

Gunpla · 30/11/2023 12:45

I'm an atheist, in Ireland. Sent my daughter to a Catholic school, and basically just totally ignored the religious aspects. She didn't do her first communion, but we didn't pull her from anything else. Whenever she said something about God I'd just say, lots of people think that, but mummy and daddy don't. For a while she said she believed it too. That dropped off from around 10 and now at 16 she is a non believer. I think the home environment will win out on the whole. I would recommend being a bit looser.

Queucumber · 30/11/2023 12:45

You should’ve gone Catholic. Your DS wouldn’t be offered communion at a Catholic Church.

Whattodowithit88 · 30/11/2023 12:46

Yabu. At this stage in his life he probably doesn’t even see it as religion, it’s a fun activity all his classmates get to do and he doesn’t. You are not giving him a choice, you are dictating.

My first child at 5 came home to tell me she is now a Christian, because her teacher is religious and been teaching religion at school, I just shrugged it off and told her I don’t believe in any religion and god but if she does or she doesn’t it’s great either way. The novelty soon wore off and now at 15 years old she has made up her own mind and as far as I know doesn’t believe in god but it wouldn’t bother me at all if she did. It’s her choice.

shebathequeenof · 30/11/2023 12:46

CurlewKate · 30/11/2023 12:10

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the OP's specific circumstances, I presume that we can all agree that the concept of state funded church schools is outrageous.

No we can't. Who made you in charge?

WB205020 · 30/11/2023 12:46

@Dad0f1 I think every comment has confirmedYABU. I doubt you will accept that though. Be careful though, if you alienate your dc too much he won’t like going there or the school may suggest a more mainstream school and rightly so!

laveritable · 30/11/2023 12:46

YBVU.

Floralnomad · 30/11/2023 12:47

I’m an atheist , both of our children went to a school where there was regular church services , they attended , I attended the ones parents were invited to , they both joined in and as adults are now agnostic . I think you should let him go and experience it rather than making a big deal of it .

Anisette · 30/11/2023 12:47

I don't understand why you felt your child wouldn't cope with a school purely because it was two form entry. Does he have SEN?

What are you suggesting your child do while the service goes on?

Crazycrazylady · 30/11/2023 12:47

I hope you're keeping him at home that day rather than sending him in and expecting the school to find someone to supervise him. That would be massively unreasonable.
Of course keep him off it's is that important to you although I'm not sure what you thought would happen in a religious school .

Iamnotalemming · 30/11/2023 12:47

I went to a CoE primary school. Parents atheists. So am I as a adult. You are just going to make your DS feel like an outsider from his school friends by excluding him from this stuff. If you feel strongly about it, it would probably be better for your DS to move schools.

Fulshaw · 30/11/2023 12:48

I think you have to balance it against him being left out. If there’s a fair few kids sitting this stuff out, then I think it’s fine.

However, if it’s going to single him out and make him feel isolated, then that’s potentially more damaging than any religious service is going to be.

Anisette · 30/11/2023 12:48

shebathequeenof · 30/11/2023 12:46

No we can't. Who made you in charge?

Show quote history

But it is outrageous, isn't it? If the church want church schools, shouldn't they fund them 100%?

scrunch22 · 30/11/2023 12:48

I'm an atheist and my child attends the local RC primary- he learns about all religions and as much as I don't enjoy the religious aspect of the school, I more than accept the choices I've made to send him there so he participates fully. Personally, I don't think you're being reasonable but completely your decision.