Was we unreasonable to withdraw our child from a school church service?

[Dad0f1]

Hello everyone new member here just looking for some advice/reassurance that I/we've made the right decision regarding withdrawing our child from a church service at school.

So our DS who is our first child started Reception this September at our local CofE primary school and although neither myself or my OH are church goers we felt that this was the best school for him as the other practical nearby choices were a RC school or a two form entry state school which our DS would not have coped with.

And to be fair our DS has settled in nicely making lots of new friends and seems to be enjoying it however, the other week we was informed that the children would be attending a 'School Communion Service' in the nearby church that the school is attached to and not having a clue what this was I enquired with the Head of RE what the service entailed, how involved DS would be in the service and what was expected of him during the service.

As I suspected the service was in their words 'a simplified child friendly version of the Holy Communion Service' which would include bread and wine for those who were confirmed (as apparantly the children are offered the option to be confirmed if they wish in Y6) but the Reverend overseeing ther service likes to get the children involved so will offer all the children confirmed or not a wafer if they want one.
Also 'prompts' would flash up on a big screen at various points during the service to let the children know when to say 'Amen' etc.

Now to the reason why I/we chose to withdraw my DS from this service. Although the Head of RE made a point to explain that worship is voluntary at the school and that the children are free to take part in worship as much or as little as they wish. I very much doubt that children aged 4 or 5 can grasp the concept of this especially as they are at an age where they want to please the adults around them.
This is also made difficult for them not to be involved if they wish when they have 'prompts' flashing up on a big screen to help/nudge them into reciting a paticular phrase and when everyone around them is then repeating it parrot fashion.

Whilst we do want our DS to learn about Christianity we also want him to make up his own mind about whether to accept it or reject it in later life.
So AI/WBU to withdraw him from school church services that are being conducted like this or should I let him experience them bearing in mind his young age?

You know perfectly well that not everyone agrees with this, and that's not the topic of the thread.

Your being a bit precious in my opinion 🤷‍♀️.
My child attends a cofe school and we are not religious.
They also do trips to mosques,synagogues and church but it's not pushed down there throats it's done Ina fun inclusive way.
You are in for a big shock if you don't learn to pick your battles and you will be the talk of the staff room and known as THST PARENT 🤣

Absolutely unreasonable. As well as being the only child left in school while the others set off excitedly for church he's going to miss out on the conversations and follow up lesson about it all later. So you chose a C of E school for your convenience but don't want the church stuff? This might come as a surprise to you but there will be many many more church events before he leaves primary. Are you going to pull him out of them all because it's your "right"?

If you want your child to learn about Christianity, then going to the church and participating in religion class (school and Sunday school) is part of that.

This service is not confirming the child as anything it’s just Holy communion.

We withdrew our children from doing first confession and other sacraments as we want them to decide later as teens and adults whether they wish to commit to religion.

This isn’t a commitment and unless your child is Muslim, Jewish or committed to some other religion I think it’s a bit of an overreaction.

You are way overthinking this. My DC are Catholic, go to a Catholic school and take part in all the services (my DH is Catholic, I am agnostic).

They are 10 and 7 and honestly they don’t really pay attention to any of it or care much about it. The only thing they enjoy about going to church is getting extra playtime afterwards. They roll their eyes at anything ‘Jesusish’ (their word) and would rather do anything in the world than go near a church when not in school time.

A couple of church services in primary school are not going to give him life long ideas on religion. I was taken to church every Sunday my whole childhood and it had little effect on me. All your DC will know is that they are being treated differently from their friends.

I assume he won’t be taking part in the Nativity or other religious events then? Is he going to be sat on his own when his friends take part?

This.

Do you let him sing Christmas Carols?

I was raised Catholic by a devout Catholic Mother, went to Catholic primary, then secondary and sixth form. We had our own chapel on site in secondary and went to a mass every week there as well as Sundays and Holy Days of Obligation. I am baptised, confirmed and did my Holy Communion. I am not Catholic, I stopped believing at around 11 when my devout Catholic Grandma died and I started to question everything.

My own children attended a CoE primary where they learn what Christians believe but also other religions too, they have celebration days for lots of other faiths as lots of children in the school are a variety of faiths, from Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, Jehovah's Witness etc. They did one nativty play which was in reception, then a play for Christmas but not the nativity in years 1 and 2 and then nothing until year 6.

Going in a church and attending a service would not brain wash him. It is an experience you can talk to him about, using "Christians believe".

This is absolutely ridiculous- you are completely in the wrong.

I am not in the least religious but all our local schools are CofE (rural area and they are all small academies in the same trust). The only non CofE option is Catholic.

It is very clear that they will have events like these and all children need to take part.

I will separately explain to DD in an appropriate way that it is all a load of cobblers. But she’ll be joining in with everything. We go to the carol
service and all that jazz too. It’s part of the community.

OP you sound like my parents! Despite being atheist/agnostic, they sent me and Dsis to an evangelical Christian school for academic reasons, but banned us from attending any religious services or ceremonies as a compromise.

Much to their horror, both me and my Dsis (in our 30s) are now practising Christians…

YABU

My DD attends a CofE school and is Y5. Despite being baptised and regular church attendance when younger she has this year made her own mind up about things and says she is an atheist. She doesnt mind the church services the school does and accepts them for what they are - a community event and a chance to get out of class for a bit.

Mine unfortunately went to a Cof E school for a while - we had no choice. It was the village one and we were in the catchment. We went on the waiting list for the more popular secular one.

I was so glad when we were able to get a place at the other school a year later. It meant me driving them to school rather than walking but it was well worth it.

I'd have withdrawn my child too. Religious practice should have no place in state education.

So, you're going to continue to ostracise your child from his peers? You say you want him to be able to make up his own mind but you're not willing to give him the tools to do so. You picked a CofE school for him and then are going out of you way to make him feel like the odd one out. I find you bafflingly unreasonable.

Would you let him go on school trip to a synagogue / mosque / cathedral? That will come in the next few years.

YABVU

Oh, and it's were not was.

He will still make his own mind up when he's old enough, believe me.
Sending your child to a CofE school is naturally going to come with a certain amount of this sort of thing. We had no choice but to send our DS to a CofE school - all primarys are CofE around here - but by the time he left at 11 he had decided that he didn't believe all that stuff! There was no influence from us on that - in fact we very rarely discussed religion at all.
Do not alienate your child from his classmates. Just use what he has experienced as a discussion topic about what some people believe but others don't.

I would pull the child from the service.

people always seem to forget that there are some areas where parents effectively have no school choice. School choice is a bit of a myth.

Expecting indoctrination into a particular religion in order to gain access to an education is unethical. Even if people are members of that religion, they should refuse to participate in principle.

School trips are a bit different to participating in a service

I think YABU because you chose to send him to a CofE school when you clearly had another state option available. I would feel differently if you had not had any other choices.

I don't think it would do him any harm to attend the religious services in any case. He will make his own decisions regardless.

You choose a church school, you choose the things that go with it. I’m sure he would have coped with a two form entry school, which seems to have been your alternative.

Are you allowing him to participate in the school Christmas production? Because if you are, you need to think about whether that’s right too.

This is completely ridiculous O/P. If you are that afraid of your child potentially becoming a Christian then why would you send him there? You say you want him to make up his own mind, but you don't because you have said he can't go with his friends. I went to a c of e school and I didn't become a Christian because of the school. I just don't understand this kind of thing....the other day someone told me they were unhappy that their child went to church for a concert and a prayer was said, it was a church!! I'm baffled...

Totally, obviously unreasonable. Send him to a secular school if you don’t want him to attend church.

You've sent him to a church school... and they want to take him to church...

What is it that surprises you??

Choice is certainly a myth in some places. Many of the villages near us only have CofE schools, so parents have no option to send their kids to a non-religious school.

However, in this case, the OP did have a choice. That makes a difference, I think.

Yes very unreasonable, given you chose to send them to a CoE school. Your child can attend, and still make a decision at some point about their own belief. They'll miss out on an important learning experience with their peers.

Outrageously unreasonable