Was we unreasonable to withdraw our child from a school church service?

[Dad0f1]

Hello everyone new member here just looking for some advice/reassurance that I/we've made the right decision regarding withdrawing our child from a church service at school.

So our DS who is our first child started Reception this September at our local CofE primary school and although neither myself or my OH are church goers we felt that this was the best school for him as the other practical nearby choices were a RC school or a two form entry state school which our DS would not have coped with.

And to be fair our DS has settled in nicely making lots of new friends and seems to be enjoying it however, the other week we was informed that the children would be attending a 'School Communion Service' in the nearby church that the school is attached to and not having a clue what this was I enquired with the Head of RE what the service entailed, how involved DS would be in the service and what was expected of him during the service.

As I suspected the service was in their words 'a simplified child friendly version of the Holy Communion Service' which would include bread and wine for those who were confirmed (as apparantly the children are offered the option to be confirmed if they wish in Y6) but the Reverend overseeing ther service likes to get the children involved so will offer all the children confirmed or not a wafer if they want one.
Also 'prompts' would flash up on a big screen at various points during the service to let the children know when to say 'Amen' etc.

Now to the reason why I/we chose to withdraw my DS from this service. Although the Head of RE made a point to explain that worship is voluntary at the school and that the children are free to take part in worship as much or as little as they wish. I very much doubt that children aged 4 or 5 can grasp the concept of this especially as they are at an age where they want to please the adults around them.
This is also made difficult for them not to be involved if they wish when they have 'prompts' flashing up on a big screen to help/nudge them into reciting a paticular phrase and when everyone around them is then repeating it parrot fashion.

Whilst we do want our DS to learn about Christianity we also want him to make up his own mind about whether to accept it or reject it in later life.
So AI/WBU to withdraw him from school church services that are being conducted like this or should I let him experience them bearing in mind his young age?

YABU. Even in secular schools visits to places of worship are common occurrences. My eldest DS went on a fabulous trip last year to a mosque and Gurdwara which he gained a lot from despite us being atheist. My youngest DS is in reception and he went to church this week which he enjoyed.

They’re not attempting to indoctrinate your children, they’re simply trying to educate them so they don’t grow up to be bigoted twerps. It’s always important to understand other people’s views and not live in an echo chamber. Plus you actually sent your child to a CofE school so you have to accept they will be praying at school and will be visiting churches…

I don’t agree with faith schools at all. Mainly the entry requirements aspect, but also any element of teaching faith as factual truth in lessons.

However - I think a few services throughout the year is harmless. We go to carol services at Christmas despite having zero faith because it’s part of our culture and tradition. The DC also go to services with school maybe 5-6 times a year. It hasn’t turned our children into Christians in the slightest. Parents have far more influence IMO.

Edited to add: I suspect your DS will be far more bothered by being singled out, he may even feel like he’s missed a fun experience that all his friends had, which is rather the opposite of what you are aiming for!

One suggestion could be to speak to the Reverend. If you felt reassured about what will be happening (plausibly quite like to be framed as “this is what Christians do and why” rather than “this is what you ought to do”) then I think it’s best to let your child fully participate in school life. If you sense more indoctrination than you are comfortable with, you have more of a point.

I think attending would have been fine. You want him to make his own mind up, he can only really do that if he's exposed to both sides.

When my son was in reception his school did school church trips, nativity, church services etc... Initially he just accepted it all and went along with the overall message ‘there is a god’ but by the time he was 6/7 he was asking us about out personal beliefs (we’re atheists) and we had chats about it and he swung the other way to saying he didn't believe in God. I've encouraged him to keep thinking about it and keep an open mind and i’ve explained he doesn't have to decide anything now (or even ever).

Let him attend. It will enable him to learn about Christianity and he will be experiencing something together with his classmates. Withdrawing him won’t achieve anything other than make him feel excluded compared to his friends.

YABU and hypocritical.

Some of my DGC went to a C of E school and lots of events happened in the church.

They went. We went and watched.

They still left as total heathens

Move schools or join in

Yikes! Do some of you actually read an OP fully before replying?

First of all we sent him to the CofE school as it was the best of three and ONLY options in our area.

Secondly we are NOT withdrawing him from EVERYTHING religous just certain services that offer him a form of communion that he has no concept or understanding of what is being offered to him yet.

Once he knows and understands what is being offered to him then he is free to make up his own mind if he wishes to attend these type of services or not whatever age of understanding may be.

Some of the replies appear be confusing learning about Christianity and practicing Christianity the former of which we are happy with.

It's not fair on your child to make them feel left out. My mum did this with me but I wanted to do what my friends were doing. I told my teacher I wanted to go and they let me, I got to be in the choir and liked it. I'm not religious! I think you should let DC go.

Bit of an odd choice to me but you are completely free to make it. Personally as an atheist I quite value knowing a bit about the church through my schooling.

Do talk to your son about this though and give him some succinct, judgement-free words he can use to deflect when other kids ask why he is not coming. It's a bit harder for him to be the one sitting out than to go along with it.

I sent my dc to a supposedly non-faith school, which actually has quite close links with a local C of E Church and rheu attended several services a year. He made up his own mind and is an atheist. Unscarred by his experience of going to a few Easter and harvest services 😂

Your motivations for sending him to the school are neither here nor there. You still sent him to a church school! And attending worship and all that entails will be a part of a church school education throughout the school.

YABU - if it's a faith school, it really shouldn't be a surprise that there is an element of faith! DH and I both went to the same C of E school with various harvest festivals in church, regular prayers with the vicar who ran assemblies, daily hymns etc. He's atheist and I'm on the fence, so I don't think it's made a lasting impression there!

My child attends a Church School. There's not that much Jesus and more 'values.' They talk about a weekly value, say 'compassion' maybe talk about the Good Samarian story but spend a lot longer talking about how it could be applied in real life. My child said the talk turned to refugees when they were chatting about this. So yes, you are unreasonable.

You teach them that there other faiths, believers and non-believers. My child knows lots about different faiths because the school has taught them this. You teach them that you can be respectful of how other people worship while not believing it yourself.

Yabu, making a big deal out of something like this, to children, is not a good idea. It's a child friendly experience.

If you are worried about him being indoctrinated he is far more likely to be indoctrinated by you and your views than this service.

I not a Christian, but I would be happy for him to have this experience. It is a good chance to really learn about a religion by participating in their (often ridiculous) rituals.

I would be worried he will feel excluded when he's not doing what his friends are doing and is left sat behind in the class room with the member of staff that now can't attend. Why choose a school that religious if you don't want them to take part... I really do not understand your logic. He also cannot form a decision without experience?

I went to Sunday school when I was younger, went to Guides and Brownies where I think the Brownie/Guide promise was something like "to do my duty to God and to serve the Queen". I also had school assembly every day and sang hymns. None of these things have had any lasting impact on my life whatsoever.

If a child wants to become religious when they are an adult they will regardless of whether they had to say prayers when they were at school.

For parents who are strongly against this, did you have your children christened, do you go to church weddings, funerals etc.

You are being unreasonable.

You shouldn’t have picked a church school if this was a red line.

My kids have atheist parents and if they had been your son’s age then they would have been excited to go on a walk outside school and go somewhere different. I think that knowing some Christmas carols come under UK general knowledge. Do you forbid your child from singing any that he knows? Or can you see that singing Christmas carols isn’t indoctrination. Is your son withdrawn from the nativity? RE? Do you complain if teachers make religious references in lessons?

My views on organised religion are the same as yours but how can a 4/5 year old make a decision without trying something? For example, would you have your child try a football club before commiting to joining the team? If you think that one church service is enough to sway people then why do you think that Christianity in this country is on the decline?

Massively unreasonable. You're essentially protecting on your child and restricting his social interaction.

As a parent, you'd be eyerolled and labelled as "that parent".

I was sent to Sunday school as a child. I wasn't christened and my parents were/are fervent atheists. They wanted me to learn about all sorts of things. I loved it, but I'm very much an atheist
My children went to a church school. Joined it with everything and are all now atheists.
Send them to everything. They will learn, have a good time and make their own mind up.

YABU
Both my dc, dh and I attended our local CofE primary school. We had many visits to our local church and they were all lovely experiences.
Neither my dc or dh are religious so going to a CofE primary school won’t ‘convert’ your child! He will be more than capable of making up his own mind in the future.
All you are doing is pulling him out of something, which at his age, he’ll have no concept of what or why you are doing so other than seeing that all his class mates are still there and he’ll end up confused and feel different from the others.

We did hymns and prayers every morning in primary school. It didn't make me believe in God, but I sat there and did it because it was what was expected (and plus I liked singing hymns, I love music).

He still has his own mind whether he goes to this service or not.

All you're doing is singling him out amongst his friends.

You have clearly made your mind up and think YABR. So what was the point of the thread?

It doesn’t make difference why you chose the school; you chose it.

My DC are at a religious school, we are not religious. I’ve told them they should sit quietly, listen and be respectful but they don’t have to believe in it. They take part in Mass, pray and do readings etc. I’ve signed up for it, that’s what they have to do as part of the school

I think if you truly want to make his own mind up then allowing him to participate is the best way for him to make an informed choice. He may well take part and realise he doesn’t believe in it, or he may take part and feel connected to it. But I’d give him the chance to “practice” rather than exclude him until some undefined point in time when he can make a decision.