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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit uncomfortable about autistic DD dating someone NT?

165 replies

Dreamiesdontlike · 30/11/2023 07:38

I have namechanged and DD has no issue with the term autistic.

DD is 25 and definitely socially younger (although academically very advanced and has a very good, professional job). However when it comes to dating and everything surrounding that, I’d say she is genuinely more on the lines of someone about 14. She has only just had her first kiss with the man she is currently dating. He is NT. He seems very nice and respectful of what’s best for DD and has never been pushy, she’s very open with me and admits she makes things very awkward about stuff but he always just says it’s ok and it will come in the future when she is more comfortable, etc. they spend most their time doing things friends do I suppose apart from adding in hand holding and the odd peck which for DD makes sense but for a grown NT man, it seems odd? He’s 23 so only slightly younger.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this?

OP posts:
Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 07:42

What in particular are you worried about, specifically?

She's got a professional job etc so they presumably see each other as intellectual equals.

It sounds like a good situation based on your op. Are you missing stuff out that's got you concerned?

Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 07:43

It seems like the main thing that worries you is that they are taking the physical side slowly - nothing wrong with that if they're both happy.

This generation is statistically more likely to be like that anyway (way fewer teen pregnancies, also lower alcohol use etc than our generation)

Original poster
Dreamiesdontlike · 30/11/2023 07:44

Mummymummy89 · 30/11/2023 07:42

What in particular are you worried about, specifically?

She's got a professional job etc so they presumably see each other as intellectual equals.

It sounds like a good situation based on your op. Are you missing stuff out that's got you concerned?

I’m just worried because she is ND and socially behind that there is a slight concern there! I personally cannot see an appropriate appeal from a grown NT man in this scenario, as fabulous as my DD is

OP posts:
Hermittrismegistus · 30/11/2023 07:45

I doubt, even with having ASD, that she's genuinely around 14 years of age when it comes to dating. She probably doesn't tell you half of what she thinks/feels or gets up to.

If he's nice and treats her well then I dont see the issue.

theduchessofspork · 30/11/2023 07:45

I can see you’d be generally protective of her, but can’t see anything to worry about specifically?

AlmondButterToast · 30/11/2023 07:46

I understand your concerns but it would be weirder if she was dating a teenager or someone older than her. It sounds like he's respectful. She may end up with someone NT or ND but I'd try and take comfort from the fact she's learning to navigate romantic relationships with someone who treats her nicely. This is a new stage for you both making space for a romantic relationship in your DD's life.

theduchessofspork · 30/11/2023 07:46

Dreamiesdontlike · 30/11/2023 07:44

I’m just worried because she is ND and socially behind that there is a slight concern there! I personally cannot see an appropriate appeal from a grown NT man in this scenario, as fabulous as my DD is

Show quote history

Keep an eye on it, but the chances are she’s not as emotionally young as you think she is

user1492757084 · 30/11/2023 07:47

What do you mean by NT?

Hibambinos · 30/11/2023 07:47

She is and adult and she is happy with someone who is kind and respectful . Let her have that and be pleased for her. A lonely life is not much of a life.

beside OP , you can monitor from the sidelines but don’t make it obvious!

CasperGutman · 30/11/2023 07:48

So he seems nice and respectful, isn't pushy, seems happy to wait until she's comfortable with going any further. I can see why you're worried. He sounds awful!

Seriously though, while you're probably right that many men might behave differently here, it doesn't sound like he's different in a bad way.

Also, exactly which part of this do you think would be going better if he wasn't NT?

PriOn1 · 30/11/2023 07:48

I think it’s normal to worry when your children start dating, especially when they might be more vulnerable for some reason. I don’t think it’s impossible though, that your daughter has met someone who’s nice and kind and willing to take things at the pace she is happy with.

Has he given you any other reason to doubt him, other than being nice to your daughter?

My experience with my young adult children is that, worried or not, there’s not a whole lot you can do. You can be there when and if it goes wrong and give advice if they want it, or if you can see a situation developing that you think is way off base, but otherwise, they have to learn for themselves.

I hope it turns out that he’s just lovely.

Hippodogamus · 30/11/2023 07:56

Is there a chance she could be masking OP? My concern is she might not be showing the true her.

Newsenmum · 30/11/2023 07:59

Have you met him? Natural to worry but all you can do is support her and be there. Do you think he’s some kind of creep who likes her innocence?

He might find her a bit refreshing. Lots of women are less experienced these days. I’d try and meet him if you can.

Newsenmum · 30/11/2023 07:59

CasperGutman · 30/11/2023 07:48

So he seems nice and respectful, isn't pushy, seems happy to wait until she's comfortable with going any further. I can see why you're worried. He sounds awful!

Seriously though, while you're probably right that many men might behave differently here, it doesn't sound like he's different in a bad way.

Also, exactly which part of this do you think would be going better if he wasn't NT?

Is there a chance he is also very inexperienced?

Butchyrestingface · 30/11/2023 08:08

Just because he's NT doesn't mean he can't be shy, socially awkward, inexperienced, a no-sex-before marriage religious type, low in confidence or even just happy to take things slowly.

He sounds nice and a good fit for your daughter at the moment, regardless of their neuro typical/divergence status.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/11/2023 08:12

She may have some emotional/social delay but she's not actually 14 is she? There's no way someone (who does not have LDs) who has lived 24 years is genuinely equivalent to a 14 year old. She is obviously different to a NT 24 year old but that's not a bad thing. You don't know this lad, he may be socially awkward/delayed/immatire/shy/whatever due to his own needs and experiences and he might be delighted to find someone like your DD. You're worrying unnecessarily I think.

BlackeyedSusan · 30/11/2023 08:12

Talk to her about safety. A lot. Around finances too.

justalittlesnoel · 30/11/2023 08:13

At 25 and with a professional job although socially younger, 14 is a very young age to put her at!

Thing is, even if her dating experience is the same as a 14 year old (e.g not much) it sounds like she's quite well adjusted in many other areas of life? If she's dating someone a few years younger then a man of 23 is probably as emotionally aware as a 15 year old so they're probably a good match! He sounds absolutely lovely and very respectful which I'd think was worth more than the NT badge you've popped on him!

She might be socially / emotionally different to a NT 25 year old, but she's not actually 14 - at 25 there's a lot of life to go and experience! The same might go for him tbh, he sounds different to a regular 23 year old too.

missushbbb · 30/11/2023 08:15

W

Catza · 30/11/2023 08:16

As an Autistic person, I feel very uncomfortable about your post. Smacks of the times when people with ND and LD were expected to be institutionalised and only allowed to mingle with "their own kind". I understand she may have some vulnerabilities to consider but she is an adult woman who is capable of making her own decisions. Your comment about "what could be the appeal for him" is also really uncomfortable to read.

jolaylasofia · 30/11/2023 08:18

as a 40 year old woman i don't really see a 23 year old as a grown man. he will still be quite immature himself.
i don't see anything wrong with this at all. Please don't limit your daughter she deserves to have all life experiences

Foxblue · 30/11/2023 08:20

I understand your worry, but maybe the thing to focus on is that she would do this sooner or later, so it's fabulous that she's found someone decent and understanding, who it sounds like she has no issues communicating her boundaries with, rather than someone who might pressure her.
Is it possible as well, that as she has encountered so many challenges, and will have needed extra support and involvement in her life, you still see her as a little girl who needs protecting. The reality is she has her own inner world that doesn't include you, and I can see how that might be a funny thing to realise if you've had to be extra involved in her life over the years. She's very lucky to have you to worry about this, but try and relax and keep the lines of communication open.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/11/2023 08:21

Following on from your post Catza- I think in the bad old days people viewed autism as a 'disability' and assumed autistic people were visibly different from NT people all the time. Nowadays we see more and more adults being diagnosed with autism or at least identifying with autism traits in the absence of assessments. Many/most of those adults are partnered with NT people! Autism is far more common than we ever thought along with other neurodivergent conditions. I'm NT married to someone with ADHD which while is not the same as autism has its own social and emotional challenges. It's totally normal and expected for autistic people who don't have additional learning difficulties to partner with NT people. It really doesn't make the NT person a predator.

Aydahayda · 30/11/2023 08:22

Catza · 30/11/2023 08:16

As an Autistic person, I feel very uncomfortable about your post. Smacks of the times when people with ND and LD were expected to be institutionalised and only allowed to mingle with "their own kind". I understand she may have some vulnerabilities to consider but she is an adult woman who is capable of making her own decisions. Your comment about "what could be the appeal for him" is also really uncomfortable to read.

⬆️

TheBirdintheCave · 30/11/2023 08:26

Catza · 30/11/2023 08:16

As an Autistic person, I feel very uncomfortable about your post. Smacks of the times when people with ND and LD were expected to be institutionalised and only allowed to mingle with "their own kind". I understand she may have some vulnerabilities to consider but she is an adult woman who is capable of making her own decisions. Your comment about "what could be the appeal for him" is also really uncomfortable to read.

This. As another autistic I was thinking the same.

...

OP, your daughter has found someone nice who is willing to wait for her to be ready to progress the relationship physically as he likes and respects her. That's brilliant. I hope she's really happy :)