to feel a bit uncomfortable about autistic DD dating someone NT?

[Dreamiesdontlike]

I have namechanged and DD has no issue with the term autistic.

DD is 25 and definitely socially younger (although academically very advanced and has a very good, professional job). However when it comes to dating and everything surrounding that, I’d say she is genuinely more on the lines of someone about 14. She has only just had her first kiss with the man she is currently dating. He is NT. He seems very nice and respectful of what’s best for DD and has never been pushy, she’s very open with me and admits she makes things very awkward about stuff but he always just says it’s ok and it will come in the future when she is more comfortable, etc. they spend most their time doing things friends do I suppose apart from adding in hand holding and the odd peck which for DD makes sense but for a grown NT man, it seems odd? He’s 23 so only slightly younger.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this?

OP, despite coming from good intentions, your post made me feel uncomfortable in a way I couldn’t articulate. @Catza articulated why perfectly.

I'm curious as to what age person you think she should be dating? Presumably you'd find it weirder if she were dating an actual 14yo?

@Notallmilsarebad thanks for this. I know I keep repeating the same thing on this thread, and as a NV in a relationship with an NV (albeit one who manifests completely different characteristics) I am not really providing evidence to the contrary of OP’s point. But it reminds me uncomfortably about being scolded over and over for not being able to look in people’s eyes, of my sister writing (fairly spitefully) to the psychiatric ward I was in that I’d never fitted in and was odd, and of my insecurity even about friendships that are decades old because I’m not like them and they do to a minor extent need to look after me. Or people not understanding that I need my stuff to stay just so or that I’m going to need explanations for what would be normal social mores every so often. Or that gossip is fascinating not because of a ghoulish interest, but because it explains to me a bit about how people are thinking, what their priorities are, etc.

I'm autistic with a young adult autistic DD and partly find your wording patronising and partly understand why you are more protective.

Most of the world is ND so that will be the majority of people she meets!

She is going to go through the whole rollercoaster of dating that all of us face, the bad as well as the good. You can't protect her forever.

It sounds like you are close so hopefully she will keep talking to you about what is going on in her life and if you see any real red flags you can talk to her about them.

Well if she's a third behind and more in line with a 14yo she'll be a horny rampaging teenager - does that sound right or maybe all these arbitrary age assumptions are really unhelpful? 🙄

I am another person who finds your statement that you can't see her 'appeal' to a NT man as pretty unpleasant.

I was wondering this and he is a few years younger than her - how much younger would make you happy?

Or is there an age you think your DD should wait for to start dating - like 30 + or something.

You're infantilising her. She is a grown up and has a professional job, but you claim she has the mentality of a 14 year old. This doesn't add up I'm afraid.

I'm autistic and my husband isn't. It's quite insulting that you seem to be implying tour daughter shouldn't be dating because of her autism to be honest op. It would be nice if you came back and addressed those of us who are autistic, and have posted similar feelings as I have and explain a bit more.

I do not think you have anything to worry about, op. The relationship sounds fine, they are taking things at their own pace. That's better than rushing in to a sexual relationship and, don't forget, once it 'happens' it will go on happening. Let things unfold naturally and be glad.

I'm not autistic, but I'm disabled. I find the OP's post really offensive.

We don't have to 'stick to our own kind'. we can date who we want.

And her comment about 'not knowing what the attraction is to her?' There's so many things wrong with that comment, I can't even begin to put it into words.

I agree with everything @Catza has said 👏👏

And everyone who has said that they understand @Dreamiesdontlike's 'concern', could somebody please explain to me what that concern is because I don't get it at all.

Her post smacks of 'why should a normal, nice bloke want to date my disabled daughter?'

She clearly does.

But this is also a rule of thumb, and at a certain point you have to stop counting it (she has reached that point already at 25).

The idea is that someone with ASD/ADHD has the equivalent social skills/executive functioning level of someone at that age. It is not the same as what used to be called "having a mental age of X". It is not like she is literally a (14 or 17, doesn't really matter) year old trapped in an adult body. In fact that is why the "mental age of X" thing was dropped, because people get confused and think that's what it means - and actually, the idea that people with ASD/ADHD are roughly 30% behind in certain areas of development was never equivalent to the "mental age" metaphor nor was it supposed to be.

It's just a metric that you use in order to make decisions about appropriate parenting expectations etc - it's not something that is supposed to follow the person into adult life and be forever used against them to say that they shouldn't be allowed to make adult decisions.

For example, if you would usually expect a child of age 13 to be able to complete their homework without reminders, but a 9 year old would need reminders - this is how you use it - that the ADHD 13 year old will be functioning more like a 9 year old specifically in their ability to remember to do homework, and you are setting them up to fail if you treat them as any other 13 year old in that respect.

It doesn't mean that you treat them as though they are 9, buy them Christmas presents aimed at 9 year olds, don't let them watch 12 movies because they might be too scary, make them play in the under 10s football team etc. All of these things would be inappropriate because they are 13. It's just that because of their ADHD they will have certain deficits and lagging skills which should be accounted for.

(I don't know as much about ASD except that it works broadly the same but is more about social skills than organisational skills.)

You've explained ir perfectly Bertie. Age 14 my son needed far more help with life issues in secondary school than his peers. I treated him more like an 11 year old in that respect. He's 19 now and acts more in line with an impulsive 17 year old. But as he gets older that gap lessens.

Predatory men tend to look out for vulnerable people, because they are easier to exploit. The data indicates that young people with learning disabilities or neurological diversity are at higher risk of abuse and exploitation than NT young people.

He may be just as awkward/inexperienced as she is. 23 yo NT male doesn't necessarily mean a horned up, treat-em-mean, dirty sex troll.

Trust your daughter's judgement and keep the lines of communication open.

Like @Starbeeees I'm an NT woman married to an ND man. We met when we were about your daughter's age. And your post also made me feel a bit sad. (And I resent something a pp said about nice girls who are understanding and smooth things over. Yes, I obviously help my DH but we are two adults in a partnership. I'm not his caretaker.)

Your DDs boyfriend likes her. She likes him. They have fun together. Right now, that's great! Maybe it will progress and maybe it won't. Maybe he will want more physical stuff and she won't and they'll break up and she'll be really sad for a while. All that is in the realms of normal 20-something relationships.

I wonder if you've spent a long time coming to terms with an idea that your DD may not have the same life experiences that many NT people have in terms of romantic relationships? Maybe she didn't seem to want those things. But now she does, and it may similarly take a while for you to come to terms with that.

I think it's important for any woman- any person - to know the signs of an abusive relationship and to know that they have people and places to go to if a relationship becomes abusive. So I would have a chat with her about this and let her know you will always be that person for her.

It sounds like your daughter wants a romantic relationship and like she's a catch! This will be something she pursues and I think it will harm your relationship if you can't be happy for her for finding boyfriends (absent actual signs of abuse).

I'm really glad you posted this OP, my 10 year old daughter has autism and a lot of what you're saying is resonating with me. I'm finding a lot of the responses really helpful too.

(And I resent something a pp said about nice girls who are understanding and smooth things over. Yes, I obviously help my DH but we are two adults in a partnership. I'm not his caretaker.)

That was me. I wasn't suggesting a caretaking role — though actually, look at all the posts on MN from women who carry all the caring burden in their family. Only the other day there was a desperate post from a woman who'd recently given birth to a second child. Her husband was 'too busy' to take any parental leave at all and expected her to cope with everything.

I was simply stating what I observe. I've known a number of parents of ASD boys over the years, including a couple with an 18-year-old who live a couple of hundred metres way. I've heard every single one of them talk (often repeatedly) about their hope that one day their sons will meet a nice girl who can understand them and help them through life. It's probably what you would be hoping for if you had an ND son.

Young women have always been seen as the civilising, caring influence who help calm young men down. It's not limited to ND men.

And what are the signs that this man is predatory because I don't see any in the OP's post. Is it that he is respecting her daughter's wishes and not progressing the relationship beyond innocent physical touch? Is it that he is kind and respectful? Any of these things strike you as being predatory at a first glance?

In what way though? 14 is very young, in what way? I didn’t mix with boys until 18/19 and was very young in that way and wouldn’t say I was like a 14 year old.

If she’s attractive and lovely then there’s a good chance he would like her.

NT people do marry autistic people you know. They even have kids. Maybe he's happy to take things slow too op.
If he seems nice and she seems happy then that's lovely.
I do appreciate why you'd feel overprotective. But maybe it's a good thing 💛

I think OP is worried about her daughter being taken advantage of. You could be more kind.

Yes was thinking this. He is pretty young too!

You can't equate being autistic with being younger emotionally. They might be different emotionally but that doesn't make them immature. It also doesn't mean she can't tell if someone is good and kind or not. She's intelligent and capable of working things out for herself. Plenty of autistic people manage relationships.

If you talk in these terms to her OP I don't think she will be likely to share much with you. Let her get on with her life and be there for support if and when things go wrong. That's all you can do.

I do understand as a mother how you feel but when you say you can’t see the appeal of your autistic daughter to a ND man that does sound really quite unkind. Perhaps it wasn’t meant like that.

Lots of NDs and NTs have great relationships- the different ways of seeing the world can really really complement each other.

she's your daughter, your bound to be worried but it’s time for her to get out in the world. That might mean meeting someone amazing that might mean getting hurt but that’s all
part of it.

support her in advocating for herself and understanding what a good relationship looks like but trust her judgement.