to feel a bit uncomfortable about autistic DD dating someone NT?

[Dreamiesdontlike]

I have namechanged and DD has no issue with the term autistic.

DD is 25 and definitely socially younger (although academically very advanced and has a very good, professional job). However when it comes to dating and everything surrounding that, I’d say she is genuinely more on the lines of someone about 14. She has only just had her first kiss with the man she is currently dating. He is NT. He seems very nice and respectful of what’s best for DD and has never been pushy, she’s very open with me and admits she makes things very awkward about stuff but he always just says it’s ok and it will come in the future when she is more comfortable, etc. they spend most their time doing things friends do I suppose apart from adding in hand holding and the odd peck which for DD makes sense but for a grown NT man, it seems odd? He’s 23 so only slightly younger.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this?

But you can. My Dd is 17 but emotionally like a 14 year old. At 25 years it’s entirely possible to be a few years behind.

I think it's wonderful that your daughter has found someone so well suited to her. @PippyLongTits and @Nowherenew have given some good advice about being there for her and allowing her to be able to tell you if things start getting difficult . But this man doesn't sound remotely like a predator from the OP's description.

I do have a son who quite possibly is ND. He's pretty young so I'm not really thinking about life partners for him yet. But what I hope is that - if he wants a romantic partner when he's older - he finds someone who loves him for who he is and appreciates his strengths, and makes him happy. I don't want someone to calm him down, or straighten him out, or guide him - that's a huge burden to have on one party.

And I'm pretty sure my late MIL (also autistic herself!) wanted me to understand her son and love him. But she wanted him to find his own way in the world.

I kind of get what you're saying. My 16 year old DS who I suspect has Autism (but he has so far declined getting assessed) has recently made some really good friends. He's described the group as "we're all weird in different ways so we get along really well".

So maybe this guy has "quirks" of his own that make him compatible with your DD, or means he gets' her?

Namechanged for this

I am seeing a man with ASD (was diagnosed with Asperger's in his 40s). I would definitely say he can come across as a lot younger in some ways. He is also very very inexperienced with sex, relationships and women in general, and struggles with friendships. But he is highly educated and is in a professional role.
I met him in a mental health support group, but didn't know he had ASD until we had met up alone a few times and got talking. We would talk for hours, and we both have the same terrible sense of humour.

To my shame, when I found out he had ASD, I ended up googling to see if it was immoral for me to continue seeing him. I felt like I was a predator or somehow taking advantage. I think programs like 'The Undatebles' don't help, when they pair someone with ASD with someone with LD, for example. Some people who know us both think our relationship is wrong, and it has been hard for me to just brush that aside, despite the fact both my boyfriend and I are happy together.
I obviously had some hidden prejudices inside about people with ASD that was a surprise to me, but I am over that now. I follow some YT channels about ND/NT relationships, and they have helped so much.

I would like to think that his parents would approve of our relationship (they are sadly no longer around), because we compliment each other perfectly. He has helped me so much with my MH, and I have come to understand him with his ASD and some the problems it brings too.

It is understandable that you are worried and protective of your DD, but her seeing a NT man does not mean she is automatically at risk, or the relationship is unsuitable. Let her live her life, but also make her own mistakes too. You can't shield her from everything, and you should not feel the need to.

You’re not an ND man, so you don’t really know what appeals to him.

If he’s treating your daughter with respect you have no reason to worry - it could be much worse.

I don't think there is any way you can know for certain he is NT for a start. And I also don't think you know the ins and outs of their relationship. But even if he is, and you do, he might just be very nervous and in experienced himself and happy to take things slow.
I cam understand you being concerned for your daughter, but really, if he seems nice and she is happy then I wouldn't voice any concerns. Better for her to feel comfortable coming to you if she needs to than making her think you disapprove.

Your comment about "what could be the appeal for him" is also really uncomfortable to read
I agree, it’s really ableist. Basically saying why would a normal man want to date a disabled woman! Well, because disabled people are still people - nice, kind, funny, clever, attractive people. I’m an autistic woman married to a NT man and I find it really offensive to suggest my DH is a perv or a predator for being in a relationship with me. Disabled people still have sexual feelings, no matter how much it seems to freak other people out. It’s ok for them to have sex and it’s ok for others to have sex with them as long as they’re mentally competent to consent.

OP you said yourself she’s not intellectually impaired, doesn’t have a learning disability, isn’t special needs or low IQ. She just struggles socially. But struggling socially doesn’t mean her sexual development is delayed. She’s probably already sexually active and has been for some time. Kindly, you need to butt out.

your post smacks of infantilising your DD!

@Pluvia funnily enough I was told something similar by a former 'friend' who thought they were being clever. Needless to say, they are no longer my friend.

Let me get this straight.

Yes, some men are purgatory.

Yes, they look to exploit people.

However, that's because that's the sort of people they are, nothing to do with disability.

There is enough of a stigma about disabled people having relationships, families, (and hey, trying to behave like normal^^ people for once) without people like the OP joining in.

@Sparthan excellent post. ❤️

@SamphireAndSalmon why should we be more kind? Everyone can get taken advantage of in relationships, irrespective of disabilities.

To be honest this is ableist, you just focus your prejudice on learning disability, being “special needs” (wtf!), and low IQ. I’m not clear what you understand by these terms or how they relate to “sexual development”. The idea that your child could have a neurological deficit that specifically impairs social understanding and you wouldn’t be concerned about them entering into adult relationships is just ridiculous. Autistic people are often victims of extraordinary levels of unkindness growing up. They often struggle to maintain friendships and understand intent. These difficulties are central to the diagnosis and it is totally appropriate for @Dreamiesdontlike to be anxious as her child grows.

Autism is not a neurological deficit. I am not deficient in any way and neither is OP’s daughter. Your comment is really offensive to people with autism.

If OP’s daughter had a disability which affected her intellectual capacity, her mental age or her ability to consent to sexual activity, then concern would be warranted. But a diagnosis of level 1 autism does not affect your capacity. You are still a functional adult and can have adult jobs and relationships, live independently, get married and have kids, or even have one night stands and meaningless sex if you want to. You don’t need to be monitored or supervised by a parent. It is not appropriate for the OP to be “anxious as her child grows” because the daughter in question isn’t a child - she’s an adult in her mid 20s.

@TomeTome your reply to Spartan is more offensive than anything the OP has posted. Absolutely horrific - 'neurological deficit'

Signed : An adult woman with Autism, fully able to consent to a sexual relationship.

I’m sorry but this isn’t correct. You can read the criteria on line ( https://icd.who.int/browse11/l-m/en#/http%253a%252f%252fid.who.int%252ficd%252fentity%252f437815624 )

“Deficits are sufficiently severe to cause impairment in personal, family, social, educational, occupational or other important areas of functioning and are usually a pervasive feature of the individual’s functioning observable in all settings, although they may vary according to social, educational, or other context. Individuals along the spectrum exhibit a full range of intellectual functioning and language abilities.”

I’m not sure how you could be autistic if you didn’t have these difficulties. I understand capacity (and just to be clear you can have capacity for all the things in your second paragraph AND have the intellectual challenges you are describing. People with LD have healthy consensual sexual relationships and jobs too). As for being monitored and supervised, honestly I think you’re being ridiculous. ALL parents worry about their children as they grow and those with more vulnerable children are likely to worry more.

@Amchoor as above.

The deficit-focused view of autism is increasingly regarded as extremely offensive. It implies there’s something 'wrong' with autistic people, that they need to be 'fixed' and are inferior in some way to non-autistic people.

Maybe stop trying to justify your use of ableist and discriminatory language towards autistic people, using sources that are also ableist and discriminatory. Actual autistic people are telling you it’s offensive and you’re still trying to insist it isn’t 🙄

I wondered that too. Asking as a disabled woman whether I should "stick to my own kind"?

Your comment about "what could be the appeal for him" is also really uncomfortable to read

It really is. Yikes. Maybe he likes her? Let her live life.

@Sparthan luckily we live in a world where being “offended” isn’t a trump card. If you aren’t impacted by your autism and you don’t have any deficit you simply aren’t autistic. It’s a descriptor of a subgroup of the population who display those deficits. In no way does it imply there is something fixable or wrong in the autistic population any more than saying you are blind does. Individual “actual autistic people” do not speak for ALL autistic people, so while you might like to set the rules you really can’t.

”Your comment about "what could be the appeal for him" is also really uncomfortable to read”
this I think is true. @Dreamiesdontlike it reads like you don’t think she’s attractive or can ever be. Did you mean you were concerned he was looking for someone he could exploit? Do you enjoy her company? I know many many autistic people, none of them are unlikeable.

Some people could argue that is us NT people who have the defecit/problem in that we create a world where we don't mean what we say and use confusing language, not autistic people.

Some people can argue the hind leg off a horse. Would we say sighted people have a deficit because they aren’t blind? I don’t think so. I think it’s really that people carry ableist views and so hearing that they are disabled in some way makes them think you have said they are bad or wrong or not equal. All people are equal but we have very different challenges and gifts. People worry about their children as they grow and MN used to be a place you could explore those concerns.

But in the case of autistic/neuro typical who is to say which is right and which is not. Just because things have developed in a certain way it doesn't mean that it is the right way and anyone not conforming to that ideal is wrong.

I often think the world would be a simpler place if it had developed with autistics in mind.

Take education.

My mum found schooling much, much easier than my children have found it because there was structure, routine, clear expectations and pathways.

Nowadays schools are chaotic places and no-one knows where they stand.

@Comefromaway theres nothing to stop schools reverting to previous generations ideas of education except they don’t suit the vast majority. Typical and diverse don’t mean good or bad do they? We don’t tend to cater for the smaller group and ignore the larger.

I think previous generations education suited more people than todays does with it's high pressure, chaotic environment. Subjects like music, art, practical subjects have been eroded from the curriculum but the learning environment for the more academic is also not there. Just pressure, pressure, testing, exam, and not treating children as human beings.