to feel a bit uncomfortable about autistic DD dating someone NT?

[Dreamiesdontlike]

I have namechanged and DD has no issue with the term autistic.

DD is 25 and definitely socially younger (although academically very advanced and has a very good, professional job). However when it comes to dating and everything surrounding that, I’d say she is genuinely more on the lines of someone about 14. She has only just had her first kiss with the man she is currently dating. He is NT. He seems very nice and respectful of what’s best for DD and has never been pushy, she’s very open with me and admits she makes things very awkward about stuff but he always just says it’s ok and it will come in the future when she is more comfortable, etc. they spend most their time doing things friends do I suppose apart from adding in hand holding and the odd peck which for DD makes sense but for a grown NT man, it seems odd? He’s 23 so only slightly younger.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this?

@Comefromaway thats not my impression at all. In previous generations many many ND people were excluded from education as were women, and other groups. For a very small subset it might have seemed better but that’s not what we see even for those who attended very traditional schools.

I'll get pilloried for this but this is the problem caused by having Aspergers and autism bundled together as one diagnosis.

What problem @SomeCatFromJapan ?

@SomeCatFromJapan I’m not going to disagree, but I’d say the problem is more that they were initially separate rather than being seen as a spectrum, or rather different spectrums, because every autistic person is different and has symptoms manifesting to different degrees.

@TomeTome the current argument. It's a bit cross-purposes.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau absolutely there's a grey area and no specific cut-off, but in general I think there were two clearish groupings bar the outliers that were harder to classify.
I am speaking from diagnosed experience btw, before anyone gets even more cross with me.

@SomeCatFromJapan I really don’t understand what you mean? How does the merging of autism/Asperger’s into asd have a bearing on concerns for young adults with autism navigating relationships ?

@TomeTome because it would be an understandable concern if someone with profound autism was engaging in a sexual relationship, and largely a non-issue for someone with Aspergers.

The dividing line between HFA (high functioning autism aka at least normal IQ) and Asperger’s was verbal communication not capacity or intelligence. HFAs had delayed verbal communication Aspergics didn’t.

What @Catza said.

But with a caveat: if you’ve met this man and your instincts are telling you he’s a creep, that’s different. Mother instincts are pretty good!

But if he’s being respectful and waiting then maybe he just thinks your DD is really attractive and fun?

@SomeCatFromJapan thanks for being understanding, and as someone who was diagnosed after the definition was dissolved, as was my DP who presents differently to me, but with neither of us fitting neatly into the boxes of AS or ASD, I am not cross with you at all. I can see where you are coming from and also feel a little offended by how the OP spoke about her daughter, while recognising her concerns.

So do you mean nd must only have relationships with nd people?

Source?

I’m autistic and my husband isn’t. We’ve been together for over 20 years and have two kids, one autistic and one NT. We have lots in common (apart from our communication differences which can present challenges, but we’re pretty used to how each other works now). We met when we were 18 and both gawky, uncool teenagers - he never took advantage of me, and was pretty shy and awkward himself. There is so much more to people’s personalities than their neurotype - there are plants of autistic men who I wouldn’t get on with at all. Interests and views are far more important to me, and I’d like to think there’s so much more to me than the fact I’m autistic (as I’m sure is the case with your daughter). I understand your worries - I’m sure I will worry about my daughter when she starts dating, as she is very trusting and not very self-confident, but I think all you can do is be supportive, be welcoming to her boyfriend and get to know him, and just be there for her.

@CeciledeVolangesdeNouveau I just want everything neatly categorised lol!

It is a tricky one as young people with ASD definitely can tend to be a bit more naive, or vulnerable, or a couple of years behind peers socially, of course. But I'm talking more late teens type of age here.

I share your offense at the suggestion that there is anything wrong with a man wanting a relationship with a 25 year old woman with a career.

I assume OP means her daughter is naive and trusting and inexperienced and far more so than a 23 year old young man, not she thinks anything else.

What I would say OP is when is she going to learn this more safely? I know it’s worrying because let’s face it he might be a jerk, but he’s not more likely to be one and she likes him. Even if she is like a fourteen year old in experience and emotional maturity, she CAN’T go out with fourteen year olds.