to feel a bit uncomfortable about autistic DD dating someone NT?

[Dreamiesdontlike]

I have namechanged and DD has no issue with the term autistic.

DD is 25 and definitely socially younger (although academically very advanced and has a very good, professional job). However when it comes to dating and everything surrounding that, I’d say she is genuinely more on the lines of someone about 14. She has only just had her first kiss with the man she is currently dating. He is NT. He seems very nice and respectful of what’s best for DD and has never been pushy, she’s very open with me and admits she makes things very awkward about stuff but he always just says it’s ok and it will come in the future when she is more comfortable, etc. they spend most their time doing things friends do I suppose apart from adding in hand holding and the odd peck which for DD makes sense but for a grown NT man, it seems odd? He’s 23 so only slightly younger.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this?

Being emotionally a third of your chronological age has been said to me many times by a myriad of professionals. I would say it’s more like half for my child in some areas less still.

I do understand your concern @Dreamiesdontlike but I think you just have to be there if it falls apart. We all want to protect our children from harm but we can’t.

Yabu.......if anything I'd be a lot more concerned if she was dating a man who has Autism and how they'd manage with each bringing their own issues into a relationship.

Stop infantilising the woman. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't work out.

I think only time will tell, but whatever you do, please don't express your concerns to her unless she gives you more of a reason to be concerned. The parent of an NT family member of mine is always warning them off things and as a result the family member has no confidence and will never try anything new - even things that would be perfectly within their capabilitiee. I know it's a tricky balance but it sounds like she's being open with you, which is great - just keep that channel of communication going.

It really is. I am autistic too and it really feels very othering.

I haven’t voted as I completely understand your concern.

Unfortunately ND people are more likely to be in an unhealthy relationship, as they can be easier to manipulate and way too trusting and it’s a concern many parents have.
This makes them very easy targets.

I work with ND teens and half of my work is trying to get them to be less trustworthy and to understand positive and healthy relationships.
We have some that we’ve worked with for years and then a complete stranger will tell them to do something wrong and they do it straight away.
It makes me sick with worry about how they could easily be taken advantage of in the future.

My own DD is 2/3 years emotionally younger and that worries me too but in your case it must be very worrying.

But she is an adult and there is literally nothing you can do to stop her seeing who she wants to.

There is a chance that he is also ND but undiagnosed, which is what attracted her to him.

I would keep talking to her openly about him and so she shares things.
If she mentions any red flags then remind her how it’s not ok behaviour.

Make sure you are in regular contact with her and perhaps have a routine of going for a coffee on a particular day each week, so you can just chat and if there is anything going on you will hopefully know about it.

Why do you feel the need to mention that your daughter has no issue with the 'term Autistic?
Do you have an issue with your daughter being Autistic???

Since most people are NT, statistically speaking she’s more likely to date someone NT.

How do you know he’s NT since lots of people aren’t diagnosed ? Not all men are constantly shagging and trying to get sex. Maybe he genuinely wants to date at a gentle pace too?

I see almost everyone says YABU but my daughter is autistic (only 12 right now) and I say YANBU.

The research shows that autistic women are more likely to find themselves in abusive situations due to their difficulties with social-communication. They are, like you say, “young” for their age emotionally. And generally more vulnerable than NT peers.

Would I have some unease about an NT man in his 20s entering into a relationship with my daughter and seemingly being OK with a very chaste, teenage-style relationship? Yes. Although that’s better than the alternative obviously.

There is a chance that he is also ND but undiagnosed, which is what attracted her to him

This is very possible.

What do you want for her long term OP? Do you want her not to have relationships. I think you’re looking for problems as you say this young man is respectful of her and she seems happy. You can’t totally protect her. A lot of people get upset at some point in their 20s when relationships don’t work out, it’s part of life. I didn’t like the sentence you wrote about “what could possibly be the attraction “. I can understand why you worry about your daughter but be careful of becoming over enmeshed with her. She’s as entitled to her privacy and independence as any adult.

Your daughter is bright and academic just has a mixed profile in line with being autistic. She clearly isn't autistic with a learning disability. Shes 25 and gets to decide who to date and your only worry about her slightly younger boyfriend is that you've guessed he's neurotypical or know he doesn't have a diagnosis. It's a bit weird you're nosing into their sex life and would seemingly see it as more acceptable if they were at it like rabbits.

Your post made me chuckle a bit as it made me think of my wife. There is the version of my wife that lives with me in our cute little cottage where we share a mortgage and go about our professional jobs, has a cheeky risque side and can sometimes be a bit of a pain in the bum when she's determined to get her own way. Then there is the version of my wife I see at her (lovely) Mums who gets waited on hand and foot, babied and allowed to get her own way as she's 'sensitive'. One version would come across a lot younger than the other.

I really hope doctors aren't still telling people there is some mathematical formula where you can work out what age someone with a disability compares too when the autistic spectrum is so wide and people are human individuals with personalities.

Maybe the relationship will fizzle out and they will end up as friends. Maybe they both dislike sex. Some autistic people are sex repulsed. Just let your daughter live her life. Judgments and weird comments about this relationship combo can put a real strain on a relationship.

There are also quite a few people autistic people going out their way to share their own experiences. I hope these are taken on board and respected

Actually, sorry, having vaguely kept up with the thread I’ve changed my mind and I mostly agree with the recent posters, although not about the “all mothers” bit. I’ve strongly internalised the message that I’m only good for sex and that’s the only possible reason anyone could want me (or, I don’t know, whatever counts as using someone in a platonic friendship). Again, that has much more to do with my nasty upbringing and MH issues than it does with neurodivergence but my mother, who has universally disparaged every single one of my partners, will often snidely suggest they are just using me for sex. It’s so frequent that it’s actually causing tensions in my current relationship because I get very stressed when my boyfriend doesn’t want sex as I’m not “paying him back” for spending time with me. I suspect my mother’s actual motives have been snobbery and latterly envy (she has a thing about age and is furious that I’ve got a much younger boyfriend). She also uses my vulnerability as a means to control me, suggesting that I can’t make decisions for myself. I am sure your worries come from a better place, but it is actually a bit bad to think that no NT person could ever want to spend time with an autistic person unless they were getting rewarded with sex.

I don’t have many friendships in my age group but I have strong friendships with people much older and a bit younger. They probably aren’t conventional but they seem to work out. I still work extra hard asking for permission to sit with them, baking for them, making them cards to appreciate them. Every autistic person is different but it’s so easy to take on the societal attitude that you’re worth less as a person (or “weird” as my mother likes to sneer) with any kind of neurodivergence.

Are you suggesting she dates a 14 year old, or steers clear of relationships altogether - either option is very odd. Her boyfriend sounds very respectful, and how do you even know he is NT anyway? Let her live her life!

I’m right in the middle here - I have a 14 yo daughter with asd and a husband with asd.

what do you want for her OP? Like, what situation could be better for her? Sounds like she’s with someone that could be a good fit, but you can’t infantilise her nor see a NT as a threat (as a wife I feel a bit sad reading it)

I’m also uncomfortable with your post.

If she met someone who wasn’t neurotypical it wouldn’t mean that they are automatically at the same stage development wise.

Are you concerned about her capacity to consent to a relationship?

I kind of understand your worry because young men are typically not content with just hand holding and a peck. Is there anything about him that suggests he is hiding his true intentions or might be preying on her? If not, she has met a rare and patient man who sounds very understanding. It doesn’t sound like she is sheltered and it sounds like she is setting boundaries that he respects. Has she been taken advantage of before or are you just being protective?

I completely agree.

I’m actually quite surprised at the responses on here, as surely any parent who has an emotionally much younger and vulnerable child would be worried.

I can’t help feel that they’re just trying to find something to be offended about, as OP has not said anything wrong.

There are some men who prey on vulnerable women and many of these are ND.
There’s a reason why ND and vulnerable people are more likely to be in abusive relationships.

OP sounds like a great parent who is just worried about her vulnerable daughter.
I too would be worried.

My advice would be to just remind DD of what a healthy relationship looks like and supports her with the relationship, so she knows she can speak to her mum about any concerns.

Sorry, that should say "ND" rather than "NT" - edit button not showing for some reason.

I really hope doctors aren't still telling people there is some mathematical formula where you can work out what age someone with a disability compares too when the autistic spectrum is so wide and people are human individuals with personalities.

l’vrbeen told this by 2 psychologists and a pyschiatrist. At a ND specialist centre. My ASd Dd is 17 going on 12. ASD is a communication disorder and affects social relationships. This is why they are considered a third behind.

What’s your professional qualifications?

I find that really sad. My cousin is autistic. She has a lovely NT DH (and a baby). She’s fantastic, I assume that’s the appeal for her grown NT DH.

If you had more specific concerns (e.g. he seemed controlling), you could look at supporting her to recognise this. But you can’t just assume he has an ulterior motive because you don’t think that she’s a good catch.

Are you implying he is taking advantage of your daughter, because you think she's vulnerable?

ASD (now subsumed into the autism spectrum so it doesn’t really exist any more, but you haven’t got that years-old news clearly) goes WAY beyond communication. Symptoms can manifest totally different in different autistic people - as my consultant psychiatrist said yesterday, if you’ve met one autistic person, you’ve met one autistic person. My DP is ten years younger but FAR more socially advanced than I am, but he has severe sensory issues which means he’s almost unable to wear trousers (he turned up yesterday on a bike, in shorts and flip flops, in the midst of a hard frost) and his entire diet is basically five foods. However, he can function much better in a crowd, mimic social niceties much better and read people in a way I’ll never be able to.

You think he should be put off by her autism? Rather than just like her for who she is. Wow.

@Dreamiesdontlike

I am ND as are my DC.

I think you’re being tremendously patronising and a bit overbearing (is she an only child too?)

She is high functioning, has achieved qualifications and has a successful career, she is no doubt attractive to her bf physically and in terms of her personality too - relationships rarely revolve around sex.

She is 25 years old. She is entitled to go forward with an adult relationship and pursue marriage and a family if she chooses to.

You need to stop mollycoddling her. Unless she is a low functioning autistic or has severe learning disability she is capable of having a relationship with another adult.

It is protective and beneficial for her to be dating a ND individual. Though I suspect he may be on the spectrum somewhere as ND tend to seek each other out.

Overall leave off, and create the boundary that it’s inappropriate for her to discuss intimate details of her sex life with you - unless she is being harmed. She needs some privacy and autonomy.

As a clinical scientist I am not aware of any papers that stipulate a mathematical formula to determine developmental deficits. As a logical human, I also don't believe this would stand any close examination.
For example, a non-verbal autistic child with significant delays in motor function is not going to magically reach developmental stage of a 23-year-old once they reach the age of 30. Similarly, an autistic person with milder developmental deficits may have intellectual capacity which spans well beyond what is normal for their age while have some delay in social skills development. This delay can be compensated for with appropriate support or can persist if no appropriate support is given or if the degree of deficit is greater, or indeed, if there are other confounding variables (psychosocial factors, for example).
So we can't actually say with any degree of certainty where each individual autistic person is in terms of their development. Unless we do standardised assessments of function. So if these assessments have been carried out on your individual child, the outcomes are only related to them. And no self-respecting psychiatrist or psychologist would generalise these outcomes to autistic population at large.

My DC are all Autistic and all very different people. None of them are a third younger than thier peers. Someone who is socially and emotionally 14 wouldn't be able to hold down a good job at least not without a lot of scaffolding and support. OP didn't say anything about her daughter needing ongoing support at that level. Maybe she has some more vulnerabilities then others her age, but that doesn't justify othering and infantilizing her. I hope some of the posters here actually take in the lived experience and views of the Autistic posters and take a long hard look at themselves. Yes there are Autistic adults who are highly vulnerable, but we're talking about a capable adult here who is doing well without a heap of support. She doesn't need to be patronised and othered and it's not a sign OP cares a lot or any other BS, her mother of all people shouldn't be othering her and thinking there must be something wrong with him for a nice young man to want to date her daughter.