to feel a bit uncomfortable about autistic DD dating someone NT?

[Dreamiesdontlike]

I have namechanged and DD has no issue with the term autistic.

DD is 25 and definitely socially younger (although academically very advanced and has a very good, professional job). However when it comes to dating and everything surrounding that, I’d say she is genuinely more on the lines of someone about 14. She has only just had her first kiss with the man she is currently dating. He is NT. He seems very nice and respectful of what’s best for DD and has never been pushy, she’s very open with me and admits she makes things very awkward about stuff but he always just says it’s ok and it will come in the future when she is more comfortable, etc. they spend most their time doing things friends do I suppose apart from adding in hand holding and the odd peck which for DD makes sense but for a grown NT man, it seems odd? He’s 23 so only slightly younger.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this?

How do you know he's NT?
I think you should 100 percent button out of your daughters sex life. It's none of your business unless she asks for your help

I'd also query how you know this man is neurotypical? You'd be amazed how often nd individuals gravitate towards each other even when one is unaware they are nd. Either way she's a consenting adult who is in a relationship. Nts are not the only people to take advantage of others. Nd people can be assholes too 🙄 this is all said as an autistic person with adhd.

I think you’re doing your daughter a massive disservice here. She is handling things herself and seemingly with confidence. Let her enjoy herself

It sounds like the man is respectful and moving at her pace. It's hard to think that emotionally she's 14. Do you mean in terms of her relationship experience, she's around 14 because she hasn't had a boyfriend. I'd just be there for her and listen, and remind her about consent, boundries and contraception.

Sounds like you're worried she is being taken advantage of. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't; I think this is a risk with everyone in every relationship tbh. If she seems happy and there are no overtly obvious red flags then I think you would do best to let them get on with it and be there as an open ear if she ever wants/needs it.

What about disabled people, can they only date other disabled people OP?

Sounds like me. First proper bf and 22 always felt younger. I'm autistic. I have two children but feel like I'm babysitting my siblings.

‘Mental age’ is in and of itself an ableist conception. I understand what you’re saying in respect of your daughter being socially immature, but she isn’t a child. You say she’s clever, has a good job, and you enjoy her company. It therefore isn’t surprising that a man would also like those qualities in her.

Taking it slow when it comes to sex isn’t particularly unusual these days, and even if she is taking it slower than other women her age, there’s no reason to suppose that doesn’t suit her boyfriend too even if he is NT.

I appreciate as her mother you see all of her, but you also are not seeing all of her.

If she is holding down a professional job and out and about meeting people you are not there watching every interaction.

I imagine he is dating her because he is attracted to her. Given he is aware and they are navigating a relationship - it sounds like they are well balanced.

No it may not last but that doesn't mean they both won't gain from the relationship. I would suggest you step back and watch.

ASd are a third behind their peers. This would make her about 17 or so.

She's not 14 around dating, she's inexperienced as far as you know, that's not the same at all. Some 25 year old NT women or men for that matter will be just as inexperienced. It isn't creepy for someone NT to be attracted to someone who is Autistic, which is what you seem to be implying, she isn't 14. Autism doesn't constitute the type of developmental delay your alledging, she may well be a little younger than her age, but there's no way she's 11 years behind her peers.

It made me feel really uncomfortable reading you writing about your young adult DD like that. She's doing well for herself and here's her mum treating her in her mind like w kid. You have a young man who seems like a good guy who cares about your DD enough to wait till she's ready and you're making him out to be creepy because she's Autistic and he's not. It's not lucky for her your concerned, no competent young adult needs or wants their parent to think of them like that.

ETA: I feel furious and saddened that someone out there could be thinking this way about my DC in the future. Don't limit her like this, she's Autistic not a child.

Christ, you make him sound almost predatory! If you don’t want your 25 year old daughter dating “a grown NT man” as you keep saying, then who should she be going out with? Teenage boys?

Whatever her “social” age, she’s still an adult woman who can decide what to do with her own body, and it sounds like the man is being respectful and gentle anyway. I can understand your worries, but I don’t think the determining factor is going to be whether or not he’s NT, but whether or not he’s a dick.

I have some similarities to your daughter, being autistic and very much socially younger than my real age. I am assuming you’re worried she’ll be used for sex. My first three relationships were unfortunately like that, and with NT men, but they were bad because the men were arseholes and I have vulnerabilities going on beyond the autism that are visible from space. They have all been awful to other people since. Your daughter sounds much more capable and put-together than I am. The most you can, and should do is listen to what she says about him, if she says anything that indicates a red flag you can gently bring it up with her. However, she might have found one of the good ones!

I get you, op. I know some will be personally offended by your post but you’ve raised and worried about your autistic daughter her whole life. You’ve seen what she struggles with and you’re now worried someone will take advantage of her. But she has to go through her own learning curve and you have to let her, just keep an eye from a firm distance, don’t show negativity or concerns unless you actually see any in this man.

He may well not be NT. Neurodivergent people are often drawn to each other, many don’t even realise they’re ND until they’re in a relationship with another ND person (my ex and I realised we both were after having AuHD kids!). But it really doesn’t matter as long as he is genuinely understanding and good to your daughter.

It's not really a question of reasonable or unreasonable. When you have an adult child (iyswim) with autism it's completely different.

You worry about things that parents of adult NT children probably can't even imagine or that sound ridiculous to them because it's not the world they live in and it never has been.

You're always on alert, always aware of how vulnerable they are. You want them to have as independent a life as they, based on their needs, are able to have but are always aware that there are people out there who will take advantage of them given half a chance but at the same time you know you won't always be around to be that eye and that's frightening.

As a parent of two men with autism I can tell you that how you are feeling is perfectly normal. How you deal with it is the tricky bit!

so you are unsure what he finds attractive in your Dd is that what you are saying because she is socially immature?

Where did that statistic come from?!

Are we?

There is no hard and fast rule on anything like this. Because everyone is an individual

I can’t see in my mind’s eye what a 14year old’s saying maturity is supposed to be!

You have to ask yourself who you imagine would be an acceptable boyfriend for her. Are you thinking she should only be with a man who is just the same as her, with the same challenges and experiences? Because it doesn't work out like that for anyone.

I hope so. I quite fancy being 34 again. 😉

I’d guess that’s a general rule for people who were not diagnosed well into adulthood.

Those who i know and has diagnosis in early years, early teens generally fit this category.

I’d not heard this before but thinking back now, it makes sense.

This says what I was struggling to put into words.

The OP has written "NT", but the inference reads much more in line with "normal" - ie, what does this normal man want with my special needs child?"

The implication that there is something wrong with him being attracted to her successful, "fabulous", adult but autistic daughter is grossly offensive to BOTH of them.

It's also a hell of an assumption to think someone is automatically NT if they don't have a formal diagnosis. Particularly when everyone knows how damn hard it is to get one, and more so when they were at school.

This post says an awful lot about how op views her adult dd having what sounds like a lovely, respectful relationship, and it's uncomfortable reading.

Jesus wept. This is a really badly thought out Op: o hope it’s made up.

I can’t imagine looking at my fabulous amazing son and thinking his girlfriend is too normal for him. Which essentially what this says here.

I feel sick at the thought that people see me with my NT partner and think I couldn’t possibly attract him so he must be some sort of weirdo.

This definitely has a vibe of ‘normal people don’t want people with autisim and if they do they are weirdos’

great for self esteem