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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel a bit uncomfortable about autistic DD dating someone NT?

165 replies

Dreamiesdontlike · 30/11/2023 07:38

I have namechanged and DD has no issue with the term autistic.

DD is 25 and definitely socially younger (although academically very advanced and has a very good, professional job). However when it comes to dating and everything surrounding that, I’d say she is genuinely more on the lines of someone about 14. She has only just had her first kiss with the man she is currently dating. He is NT. He seems very nice and respectful of what’s best for DD and has never been pushy, she’s very open with me and admits she makes things very awkward about stuff but he always just says it’s ok and it will come in the future when she is more comfortable, etc. they spend most their time doing things friends do I suppose apart from adding in hand holding and the odd peck which for DD makes sense but for a grown NT man, it seems odd? He’s 23 so only slightly younger.

AIBU to be a bit worried about this?

OP posts:
Pluvia · 30/11/2023 10:19

I think I know what you're talking about, OP. I went to school with the loveliest young woman — very intelligent but with something going on (this was the days before ASD etc in girls and women was something that was picked up) that made her socially very young for her age. Didn't read the social cues and was easily manipulated by men who took advantage of her vulnerability.

Some young men (I'm related to one) are kind and gentle and struggle with the whole macho thing. Not all of them are totally under the influence of testosterone: there's a big asexual/ aromantic movement among young people and this lack of physical passion may just be who they both are. I'd try and feel pleased that she's in a relationship that appears to suit her while also keeping an eye on the situation. Maybe they'll be a great match, maybe they won't. She's a lucky young women to have you there keeping an eye out for her. Sounds like she's doing very well.

It's a bit sad and sexist of us (I include me in that) that when a young man is kind and considerate and says all the right things — letting her take the lead with sex and so on — we instinctively look at him a bit dubiously and wonder when he's going to reveal his real intentions. Maybe he's just a considerate man, and we need more of those.

XRAYTHIS · 30/11/2023 10:23

Dreamiesdontlike · 30/11/2023 07:44

I’m just worried because she is ND and socially behind that there is a slight concern there! I personally cannot see an appropriate appeal from a grown NT man in this scenario, as fabulous as my DD is

Show quote history

Wow.

'Appeal'....

She's a bright young professional. Lots of people are socially awkward. So what. Many don't have a diagnosis of asd and might be on the spectrum.

Don't define your daughter by being asd. Wish her happiness

XRAYTHIS · 30/11/2023 10:25

Pluvia · 30/11/2023 10:19

I think I know what you're talking about, OP. I went to school with the loveliest young woman — very intelligent but with something going on (this was the days before ASD etc in girls and women was something that was picked up) that made her socially very young for her age. Didn't read the social cues and was easily manipulated by men who took advantage of her vulnerability.

Some young men (I'm related to one) are kind and gentle and struggle with the whole macho thing. Not all of them are totally under the influence of testosterone: there's a big asexual/ aromantic movement among young people and this lack of physical passion may just be who they both are. I'd try and feel pleased that she's in a relationship that appears to suit her while also keeping an eye on the situation. Maybe they'll be a great match, maybe they won't. She's a lucky young women to have you there keeping an eye out for her. Sounds like she's doing very well.

It's a bit sad and sexist of us (I include me in that) that when a young man is kind and considerate and says all the right things — letting her take the lead with sex and so on — we instinctively look at him a bit dubiously and wonder when he's going to reveal his real intentions. Maybe he's just a considerate man, and we need more of those.

This.

There are lots of lovely men out there. Not every man is a testosterone fuelled sex beast.

Addicted2Kale · 30/11/2023 10:26

Why do you tell us that he behaves as a nice, respectful gentleman yet you repeatedly describe him as if he's a predator?

I think that reveals a serious issue, independent of your DD relationship...

Haveyouanyjam · 30/11/2023 10:36

You are not unreasonable to feel a bit uncomfortable, as you are just now going through what I imagine all parents go through when their children start having romantic relationships for the first time. They are suddenly vulnerable in a whole
new way in terms of their heart and that is scary as a parent, whether they are ND or NT.

Even if your daughter is less socially experienced or able (though that is not a given simply because she is ASD) she has had the wherewithal to be totally up front with this man about her expectations and boundaries and has also been open with you. That sounds sensible and mature when it comes to a relationship in a way that many adults aren’t.

It’s okay to be nervous but just encourage her to keep taking things at her pace as she has been. There are plenty of men out there who are inexperienced too, even at 23. He is being respectful, that’s all that matters. She could get her heart broken even in the most loving of relationships, that’s life for everyone.

mondaytosunday · 30/11/2023 10:39

Seems like he is treating her with respect! Are you saying she should only be with a ND person? Surely that could make things far more difficult!
I'd be thankful that her first proper boyfriend is taking things slow.

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/11/2023 10:47

You claim that you´re 25 year old daughter is genuinely more on the lines of someone about 14.

Maybe her 23 year old boyfriend is a bit young in regards to relationship experience etc. as well?
Or maybe he simply respects and loves your DD and is perfectly willing to go at her pace?

She is 25. It is therefore completely reasonable for her to date people in a similar ange range...

botheredand · 30/11/2023 10:51

There is no such thing as 'social age' she's just inexperienced right? Hasn't had many friends or social experiences and this is her first boyfriend- that's not a bad or unusual thing, even for NT people.

Encourage her to keep talking to you if she wants to and be supportive- this is a good thing. Let her go a bit!

PrimalOwl10 · 30/11/2023 10:52

Should she not date because she's Autistic op? She's 25 years old, she's in a professional job, I take it manages her work load, gets to and from work. I don't see why she wouldn't be able to have a normal relationship even a sexual one. Many autistic adults have relationships it's pretty normal. My ds is autistic I hope in the future he could find someone to settle down with.

PurpleBugz · 30/11/2023 10:57

I'm autistic and also uncomfortable with your wording.

That said Ive had men take advantage of me in many ways and not had a supportive parent through it so it's good you care. It's left me cynical of men's motivation so I get where you are coming from.

Main thing would be to ensure he doesn't take financial advantage of her that she understands financial abuse and won't stand for it

Comefromaway · 30/11/2023 10:58

I think the poster above has said it all really.

Socially and emotionally my two autistic young people are a bit younger than their age, but only about 2-3 years. Dd in particular socialises and gets on better with older people rather than her peers. Ds has dated younger, same age and older people.

At 25 with a professional job I think it's unlikely she is that much socially and emotionally younger than her actual age.

CormorantStrikesBack · 30/11/2023 11:03

Would you prefer she dates 14yos? or only autistic people? Or not at all?

I would say mind your own business. She's happy, he treats her well, who cares?

Pluvia · 30/11/2023 11:03

PrimalOwl10 · 30/11/2023 10:52

Should she not date because she's Autistic op? She's 25 years old, she's in a professional job, I take it manages her work load, gets to and from work. I don't see why she wouldn't be able to have a normal relationship even a sexual one. Many autistic adults have relationships it's pretty normal. My ds is autistic I hope in the future he could find someone to settle down with.

Yes, but the dynamic is different with a daughter. Sexual predators are almost completely male and women form the majority of those who are sexually and physically abused within intimate relationships. It's absolutely rational for those with daughters to be concerned about their safety in intimate relationships.

Everyone with ASD is different and has different strengths and needs, but the people I know with sons with any kind of disability, physical or mental, hope they'll find a nice kind girlfriend who'll be understanding and cope with any physical or behavioural issues and smooth his life out. Here we have a nice kind man behaving in the way many would hope a nice understanding young woman would behave, and yet the implication is that there's something not quite right about him. It's sexual stereotyping.

fruitbrewhaha · 30/11/2023 11:07

Not all 23 year old men are into getting laid and fast relationships etc. perhaps he is a bit of a geek anyway. He sounds nice. Perhaps this is more about you? Perhaps you find it hard seeing your dd growing up.

NotSayingImBatman · 30/11/2023 11:07

I'm autistic, and I met my NT husband when I was a couple of years younger than your DD. It's never once occurred to me that there was any sort of issue about our relationship. You're infantilising her, which I understand, she'll always be your baby but you need to remind yourself she's not actually a baby.

ActDottie · 30/11/2023 11:07

So ND people should only date ND people? And NT people should only date NT? That’s essentially what you’re saying.

SylvanianFrenemies · 30/11/2023 11:08

How do you know he is NT?

He may not be all that experienced himself, NT or not.

He's respectful, he likes her. That's good.

Comefromaway · 30/11/2023 11:08

My autistic son was in a relationship with someone younger who was completely controlling, so age doesn't always mean anything in terms of vulnerability.

Screamingabdabz · 30/11/2023 11:17

What an odd worldview. As a mother of a 23 year old son, you may see him as some life hardened horny rapacious individual but the chances are he is far from it. Lots of 23 year old lads are inexperienced, gentle and kind. He is probably feeling just as relieved to take things slowly as your dd.

VikingLady · 30/11/2023 11:19

Several things here.

Ive knows a few men whose friendship groups and eventually romantic partners are heavily weighted towards ND. If you ask them, they like the honestly, lack of social pretences, the acceptance that everyone is different which means they don't have to perform "maleness". They've generally been diagnosed in late adulthood themselves.

The mental age thing? It mostly works when they are small, but there's more variability as they/we age. And people usually act younger around their family. My brother has a high up job, emigrated, has kids and employees - but with my mum you'd swear he was 14. I avoid meeting family too much as it makes me feel like a kid again.

My DD is 11 and in some ways she's 8, in others she's an adult. I worry about her future relationships, but I'm making sure she knows I'll ALWAYS be on her side if anything happens; I'll always help however old she is.

VikingLady · 30/11/2023 11:22

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/11/2023 09:18

Why do you feel the need to mention that your daughter has no issue with the 'term Autistic?
Do you have an issue with your daughter being Autistic???

Op has probably been shredded on other online forums for using the word autistic. Some insist on saying people with autism, some don't, but they can be vicious about it. I've been attacked myself for talking about myself!

PumpkinsAndCoconuts · 30/11/2023 11:28

VikingLady · 30/11/2023 11:22

Op has probably been shredded on other online forums for using the word autistic. Some insist on saying people with autism, some don't, but they can be vicious about it. I've been attacked myself for talking about myself!

Show quote history

Yep. I have had similar experiences on adhd forums and support groups.

I personally refuse to say that I "am" adhd (for example). Similar discussion about the terms like ND etc.

It is a bit of a minefield ime and I understand why OP felt the need to mention this.

SomeCatFromJapan · 30/11/2023 11:31

I have an ASD diagnosis (would formerly have been Aspergers) so I'm ND and my husband is NT. We're the same age, and nor did I find him wanting to have sex with me predatory, not everyone ND is asexual or uncomfortable with sex.

I do definitely agree there are predatory men out there who take advantage, and young ND girls are certainly more vulnerable, but what are you going to do, just never have a relationship?

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/11/2023 11:32

@VikingLady I'm Autistic and most of my peers prefer identity-first language, but yeah, I've seen on Facebook how militant/aggressive some Autistic adults can be (and I've been guilty of language policing).

VikingLady · 30/11/2023 11:33

Ontheperiphery79 · 30/11/2023 11:32

@VikingLady I'm Autistic and most of my peers prefer identity-first language, but yeah, I've seen on Facebook how militant/aggressive some Autistic adults can be (and I've been guilty of language policing).

Likewise to all of that!

Although if you ask DD (11) which she prefers she'll logically point out it's the same thing, or meow at you.