Should we split the financial burden of me moving in?

[Greenpotato87]

I'm preparing to move in with my boyfriend. He is generous and we have great communication, just seeking some outside opinions before I broach this.

He rents a 3 bed house and I own (with mortgage) a 1 bed flat. He has earned well in the past but is taking a break from work and living off savings. I earn a good salary too, probably more than him when he gets back to work.

Part of me would love him to move in with me, it makes better financial sense as I own but he doesn't want to as he feels it is too small. Honestly, I agree but if he was willing, I'd have liked to try. I respect his need for personal space at home.

When I move, I will have to list my flat for sale (definitely don't want to rent it) c.£1700, and will have to pay a mortgage early exit fee c.£2300 plus other inevitable moving costs. In future I will invest the equity in a property with him but plan to clarify my contribution should anything go wrong.

Between moving out and completing the sale on my flat, I will have to continue my mortgage (c.1300pcm) and have offered him £600pcm towards living expenses in the meantime which is less than half of his costs. Once sold, my equity will have to sit in the bank until he is back at work and we can buy somewhere, so potential for it to effectively lose value due to inflation.

There are things I / we will need to pay for when I move in e.g. extra storage, office equipment for me, putting me on car insurance and an outside enclosure for my cats. Maybe c.£2000.

We will both benefit from living together which is the main thing but all this would be a significant financial burden for me and he stands to gain £600pcm.

Deep down I'd like him to contribute to the cost of me selling and moving (partly because he has vetoed moving in with me) but is this reasonable if I'm not proposing to share my equity as such?! And I'd like us to share the costs of things needed when I move in, even though they're mostly things for me (I wouldn't need them if he was moving to my place). Should I give him £600pcm while still paying my mortgage which I can afford but means I won't be able to save? Or does the fact that I won't be contributing half of his costs for a few months mean I should "suck it up" on some of these other expenses?!

I'm sure he will be willing to discuss contributing if I ask but I feel tentative, especially as he is living off savings.

Please help, this is my first time living with someone. Have been financially independent for 12 years.

Why are you giving up a property to pay rent? Depending where you are, it might be very hard to buy again?

can you rent yours out instead?

It doesn't sound like a great plan on paper. Giving up ownership to rent, with big financial costs just for you. What will you do with the equity? What will you do if you don't like living together or the relationship breaks down? What is so unattractive about renting your flat out and making a decision on it later?

I know you say you don't want to rent your flat out, but you would be a damned fool to sell it! There is no guarantee your relationship would last and if it doesn't there would be a very good chance that you wouldn't be able to buy another property, either because you've invested in a joint home or because the market is so volatile.

Move in with him if you want, but don't sell your flat for at least 2 years, if at all. I'm sure you could find some good responsible tenants.

I have never owned so have no input on what to do there. I do think if you’re used to living alone, you haven’t lived with him before and he is already making you do things you’re not comfortable with then you shouldn’t sell the flat yet. You might need it!

You also are talking like you’re going to sell the flat for a deposit to move in with him and that you’re a high earner…are you sure he isn’t using you? You sound very generous and he sounds like he’s coasting. Not a great equation.

I am sure you are lovely by the way, I’m just unsure if he is judging from your post!

He is renting, not owning a home... yet he feels ok with taking a break from working?
Risky business, I would not do it.

Apologies, I missed that you don't want to rent it. I completely understand that but in that case, don't move in with your boyfriend.

You have an important financial asset, don't let go of it and incur all these extra costs.

I'd rent out your flat. You are spending a lot of money to sell and may need to spend more if you decide to buy together.

THIS! I’ve moved in with a guy who financially used me. Don’t be such a provider to him. Relationships take two! Both partners should work hard. He is not. Bet he’s looking forward to your money.

My ‘cocklodger’ spidery senses are tingly?

What does ‘taking a break from work’ mean? How long does he attend to do this for? Why is he having a break. What industry does he work for? Ie. How easy is to get another job after a break.

I would never move in for someone who is financially irresponsible. Is savings aren’t going to last for ever. How are you planning to share bills once living together. As the wage earner, are you expecting to pick up the higher amount, etc.?

How old are you both? You say you’re financially independent? Is he?

Why is he renting 3 bed?

I’d keep your place and wait for him to be working and able to commit half of the deposit to a joint home. Why are you so keen to do what he wants when he’s unemployed with no savings.

No!!! Definitely not a good idea

not just the selling cost - when you’ll eventually buy again, you’ll have to pay stamp duty all over again!

plus i don’t like the idea of him taking a break from work……. I mean, really?

Don’t do it.

Please please don’t do this! My cousin sold her house she bought just after marrying her husband. She now finds herself in an awful marriage with no financial ability to get out. She’s bought this house when single, and we told her at the time to rent as she’d never get the opportunity again to own another house to rent out. She is now absolutely devastated she made that choice.
The fact he’s taking a break from working, happy for you to sell up etc has my spider senses going.
What’s your rush and hesitation on renting? Rent your flat for 2-3 years, you’ve not lived with him yet.
If anything goes wrong and you split in 12 months would you be in a financial position to move out and rent while looking for a house to buy? If not, then don’t sell up.

I hope I’m wrong but honestly something is off about someone renting a 3 bed house and ‘taking a break’ from working!

Why are u giving up 12 years of financial independence
Stay where u are untill u are ready to both buy a property together.theres no rush to move in together
You stand to loose a lot ,he stands to gain .wait untill it's equal and your buying together

Why is he taking a break from working?

Unless he's retired, a billionaire or just a scutter, then no, he shouldn't be taking a break and moving in with you.

Cos guess who's gonna pick up the bills, op??

This isn't a sensible idea OP.
Don't sell your flat, make our cats adjust to a new temporary space and go back to renting.
Wait until he is in a position to buy a place together, then ring fence your deposit and buy.
Stay where you are until then.

Why are you making 100% of the compromises here?

You would be crazy to sell, especially if there is no short term ability for you to buy together. What if it's years before he can get his share of a deposit together? If you ever end up single, you might be priced out of the market.

Don't give up your financial position for this guy.

Sounds like it's all tipped in his favour.

I wouldn't move in with someone 'taking a break from work'.

I wouldn't pay his rent while carrying my own mortgage and selling costs.

Why the rush to move in together? Why his place and not a place that you've chosen together?

Don't sell your place to rent, that's going backwards.

You are absolutely insane to consider selling your flat.

You shouldn't sell your flat OP. Particularly when he's taking a break from work. Whatever that means. If he doesn't go back to work and runs out of savings you'll end up supporting him, plus you'll won't be able to buy a joint property anyway.
I'd be very suspicious of his reasons for wanting this set up.
More reasonably he'd have said he wanted you to live together in a bigger property, so as soon as he's back in work he'll start saving and then you can put your flat on the market when he has his share of the costs ready. This current plan only suits him. For you, it's madness.

Property changes in value. Don't sell if you ever want to buy again.
Only sell when you are ready to buy in the same market (as you sell).
Rent out your home and put that towards the mortgage.
Maybe even rent out one room.
Contribute to the rental fairly - near to 50% of rent, water, etc
Can you manage to do that.
The relationship might not progress and selling your home is a huge risk.

Why has he given up work. How long can he live off savings for? That’s the bit that is ringing alarm bells for me. It sounds very unusual. How old is he?

I would at least wait till he is working and in stable employment for some time.

Bad idea all round sorry (unless you keep your flat.)

Echoing all the op’s. Don’t sell. Doesn’t make sense.

I too am hung up on why you would sell your place instead of renting. There is no way I would make myself property less
im also confused about why you would need office equipment at his house if you don’t at your flat.
there is no way I would do this and pay the £2300 break fee unless i were minted, and similarly I would stay there and kick off the sales process so I wasn’t paying rent and mortgage. If I went along with this plan, which l wouldnt. I’d expect him to agree no rent for you while you haven’t sold yours, up to a reasonable limit, if going along with this plan. Which I wouldn’t.

It doesn't add up, financial and relationship-wise. There would be equal compromise. I don't think you should sell. I don't understand why he's renting a 3 bedroom, or why a 1br would be too small. He doesn't seem as responsible as you are, especially with not working. It just seems very risky. I would wait and see if he's willing to give as much as you are.