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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should we split the financial burden of me moving in?

176 replies

Greenpotato87 · 30/11/2023 01:43

I'm preparing to move in with my boyfriend. He is generous and we have great communication, just seeking some outside opinions before I broach this.

He rents a 3 bed house and I own (with mortgage) a 1 bed flat. He has earned well in the past but is taking a break from work and living off savings. I earn a good salary too, probably more than him when he gets back to work.

Part of me would love him to move in with me, it makes better financial sense as I own but he doesn't want to as he feels it is too small. Honestly, I agree but if he was willing, I'd have liked to try. I respect his need for personal space at home.

When I move, I will have to list my flat for sale (definitely don't want to rent it) c.£1700, and will have to pay a mortgage early exit fee c.£2300 plus other inevitable moving costs. In future I will invest the equity in a property with him but plan to clarify my contribution should anything go wrong.

Between moving out and completing the sale on my flat, I will have to continue my mortgage (c.1300pcm) and have offered him £600pcm towards living expenses in the meantime which is less than half of his costs. Once sold, my equity will have to sit in the bank until he is back at work and we can buy somewhere, so potential for it to effectively lose value due to inflation.

There are things I / we will need to pay for when I move in e.g. extra storage, office equipment for me, putting me on car insurance and an outside enclosure for my cats. Maybe c.£2000.

We will both benefit from living together which is the main thing but all this would be a significant financial burden for me and he stands to gain £600pcm.

Deep down I'd like him to contribute to the cost of me selling and moving (partly because he has vetoed moving in with me) but is this reasonable if I'm not proposing to share my equity as such?! And I'd like us to share the costs of things needed when I move in, even though they're mostly things for me (I wouldn't need them if he was moving to my place). Should I give him £600pcm while still paying my mortgage which I can afford but means I won't be able to save? Or does the fact that I won't be contributing half of his costs for a few months mean I should "suck it up" on some of these other expenses?!

I'm sure he will be willing to discuss contributing if I ask but I feel tentative, especially as he is living off savings.

Please help, this is my first time living with someone. Have been financially independent for 12 years.

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 05:01

You cannot seriously be proposing to sell your flat and rent with your unemployed boyfriend at a cost of effectively £10,000 to yourself?

PieAndLattes · 30/11/2023 05:10

Don’t sell a flat to move onto a rented home with your unemployed boyfriend. That’s madness! Wait until he has a job then buy a bigger place together but you’d be mad to sell.

TerfTalking · 30/11/2023 05:10

^ this

GreatGateauxsby · 30/11/2023 05:13

Ignoring the giant fucking red flag that is an unemployed single individual renting a family sized home for funsies…

I don’t like your plan. It is low reward if it works and has VERY high impact risk if it fails.

buying and selling is an expensive business with hidden costs. We moved 4 years ago (granted we upsized) but “total cost to change” was shockingly expensive.

i also think you would be crazy to step off the ladder and remove housing stability (this can create large pressure from both a financial and mental health pov - unstable living is STRESSFUL)

if you are insisting on this poor decision

  1. could you look at moving to a 2 bed and he moves in with you thus HE incurs moving costs too. He would also maintain his current level of housing stability which in rentals is poor / low.

Or is a 2 bed not good enough for m’lord either???

2.alternatively at least delay until your mortgage expires so you avoid for exit penalty and then don’t move in and subsidise him until you’ve exchanged… that alone will save you thousands.

you say you benefit from moving in but in the next breath you’ll be financially worse off…???

separately - the job market in my sector is dire. What is you move in to his rental get put on as named tenant?
He has no job can’t fund his half of rent you are stuck paying for it all

I personally would not find someone who wants to live as he is choosing to, to be a compatible life partner. His lack of forward planning and inability to delay gratification for future security would make us fundamentally incompatible.

in his position the correct choice is move in with you, cut costs in the short term and upsize together mid term. His/your current plan is profligate and wreckless.
I say that as someone who by age 35 bought a >£1m 5 bed in London on a totally self funded basis (ie. with no financial assistance from parents or inheritance)

Olika · 30/11/2023 05:15

You would be mad to sell to move in a rented property with an unemployed boyfriend.

ThankYoufortheDay · 30/11/2023 05:19

What’s his work history like? Does he regularly give up work and live off savings/work short term/work part-time/do cash in hand jobs/have a project on the go/have plans that never happen?

I married and got a mortgage with a man like that and that was a pattern all his life. I had a stable job so everything financial was my responsibility. I did not come out well from it in divorce.

PosterBoy · 30/11/2023 05:29

We will both benefit from living together which is the main thing but all this would be a significant financial burden for me and he stands to gain £600pcm.

As you say ... it will cost you £10k and he will gain £7k per year.

It's a lot to pay for companionship. Are you mega rich? If not, stop being so silly.

Wildehorses · 30/11/2023 05:31

Why give up your financial independence by making yourself at risk of being homeless (if/when you split up and he kicks you out) then you will end up having to rent solo and may struggle to get back on property ladder … and anyway, you would be silly to buy a property with a man without a work ethic .., if you marry, kiss goodbye to half of all you own if/when you divorce!

SophieJo · 30/11/2023 05:33

Alarm bells started ringing as I was only half way through your post. Hope you seriously have a rethink.

BorisIsACuntWaffle · 30/11/2023 05:37

Give your head a shake op

SheIsStuck23 · 30/11/2023 05:50

CheekyHobson · 30/11/2023 05:01

You cannot seriously be proposing to sell your flat and rent with your unemployed boyfriend at a cost of effectively £10,000 to yourself?

This!!!

Open your eyes OP because it’s as clear as day what’s going on here.

You are absolutely mad to be even considering this!

Do not sell your flat and move in with him.

feckingGobshite · 30/11/2023 05:53

No way would I get off the property ladde and no way would I get financially connected with someone who is choosing to not work

Topee · 30/11/2023 05:54

Echoing all the other posters. You should not consider selling your flat. If you get consent to let then you shouldn’t need to remortgage and pay exit fees.

I would suggest he moves in with you for a trial period whilst he’s not working (why? Do you think this has the potential to be long term). If all works out okay you could look to buy together in the future.

MeMyselfAndMyEye · 30/11/2023 06:09

Op. Don't sell. As others have said. You have got on the property market, on your own, which gives you security and is also a massive achievement. Don't give it up.

W0tnow · 30/11/2023 06:12

At the risk of telling you to cancel the cheque… Are you mad?? Do not sell!

dudsville · 30/11/2023 06:24

I don't think i have a full grasp of the situation from your post. I don't think focusing on whether he should help you move financially is the main issue. I didn't pay towards my partner moving in with me, but i could have. I wouldn't sell to rent a place that was bigger than needed. I wouldn't move in with sometime making the poor financial deciding to stop work to live off savings.

Octoflob · 30/11/2023 06:25

He's not a reliable bet, you'd be mad to do this while he's not working 🤷‍♀️

DianaTiana · 30/11/2023 06:33

Please, please don't sell your flat. You will regret it if you do, honestly.

megletthesecond · 30/11/2023 06:35

Do. Not. Sell. Your. Flat. That is worth it's weight in gold.

Sorrento79 · 30/11/2023 06:40

Don't move in together in any combination until he's back working.

avenue1 · 30/11/2023 06:45

Wow, he's taking you for a fool. Force yourself to think with your head, not heart.
Has he a secure income? Has he proposed? Does he contribute to housework 50/50? Is he generous? Does he compromise or issue ultimatums? Does he have a plan to save for a mortgage? Why would you give up a secure home and independence for an unemployed man, to support his rent and lifestyle? Of course you love him etc, but think about it! Think, think, think!!

Unless he's very wealthy, it's not normal to take a break from work and live off savings.

Pinkflamingopants · 30/11/2023 06:51

Sell your flat in order to live with someone who rents? C’mon, surely you can see what a bad idea this is. What if you break up, you’re left with nowhere to go and some depleted funds from the sale (if they still exist at all after his break from work!)

whocaresmore · 30/11/2023 06:52

So many questions.

Why does he rent a family sized house?
Who is paying the rent while he takes a break from work? (Who even does this when there are bills to be paid?)
Why don't you want to rent out your place?
Why would you even consider such an imbalanced financial situation before you've even moved in with him?
How can we help you see the 🚩🚩🚩?

The only answer you need is to stop now OP, stay in your lovely flat, and don't move in with any man unless they are fully financially independent and committed to an equal relationship.

Mintyt · 30/11/2023 06:57

Do. Not. Sell. To. Rent. With. Him. Stay as you are. Once he is back in wort reevaluate. Please keep your independence

Appleblum · 30/11/2023 07:00

You'd be crazy to sell your place under these circumstances. Stay put, or move in with him AND rent your place out. I know you said you don't want to rent your place out, but it is the financially sensible thing to do. You can sell it when your boyfriend is back at work and you're ready to buy together.