Should we split the financial burden of me moving in?

[Greenpotato87]

I'm preparing to move in with my boyfriend. He is generous and we have great communication, just seeking some outside opinions before I broach this.

He rents a 3 bed house and I own (with mortgage) a 1 bed flat. He has earned well in the past but is taking a break from work and living off savings. I earn a good salary too, probably more than him when he gets back to work.

Part of me would love him to move in with me, it makes better financial sense as I own but he doesn't want to as he feels it is too small. Honestly, I agree but if he was willing, I'd have liked to try. I respect his need for personal space at home.

When I move, I will have to list my flat for sale (definitely don't want to rent it) c.£1700, and will have to pay a mortgage early exit fee c.£2300 plus other inevitable moving costs. In future I will invest the equity in a property with him but plan to clarify my contribution should anything go wrong.

Between moving out and completing the sale on my flat, I will have to continue my mortgage (c.1300pcm) and have offered him £600pcm towards living expenses in the meantime which is less than half of his costs. Once sold, my equity will have to sit in the bank until he is back at work and we can buy somewhere, so potential for it to effectively lose value due to inflation.

There are things I / we will need to pay for when I move in e.g. extra storage, office equipment for me, putting me on car insurance and an outside enclosure for my cats. Maybe c.£2000.

We will both benefit from living together which is the main thing but all this would be a significant financial burden for me and he stands to gain £600pcm.

Deep down I'd like him to contribute to the cost of me selling and moving (partly because he has vetoed moving in with me) but is this reasonable if I'm not proposing to share my equity as such?! And I'd like us to share the costs of things needed when I move in, even though they're mostly things for me (I wouldn't need them if he was moving to my place). Should I give him £600pcm while still paying my mortgage which I can afford but means I won't be able to save? Or does the fact that I won't be contributing half of his costs for a few months mean I should "suck it up" on some of these other expenses?!

I'm sure he will be willing to discuss contributing if I ask but I feel tentative, especially as he is living off savings.

Please help, this is my first time living with someone. Have been financially independent for 12 years.

c£2000 to cat proof the garden? What happens if his landlord decides to issue an eviction notice? That would be money down the drain. Like others have said, I would keep living separately for now.

OP, I'm generally a positive person but before making any massive decisions i run through all the worst case scenarios in my head.

What if you move in together and it breaks the relationship? If you rent your flat out you'd have to evict tennants (takes a few months) and then you'd be back home. If you've sold your flat then you'd either need to find somewhere else to rent, or start the whole buying process and hope the housing market has remained very stable or dropped. The other option is keeping your flat, paying mortgage and service charges, bills,etc but keeping it empty.

He stands to gain so much from this, help with rent on a 3 bed, probably contribution to bills and food shopping, etc. But at what cost to you?

Are his reasons of wanting more space worth all the tens of thousands of £££ it could potentially cost you?

Would you potentially end up feeling slightly bitter or angry that he conviced you to give up your financial freedom to subsidise him and his wants? Because i would.

Just no!

Was I the first poster saying no?

anyway, I've taken work breaks and done naff all.

but I didn't ask anyone to move in and pay my bills for me, that's the main point! A single childfree person taking a work break isn't unusual, but even if he was working.....why OP would sell her own property to rent, at great expense, that's just mad.

focusing on work breaks is not the point.

Also OP, wtf is this about "Should I give him £600pcm while still paying my mortgage which I can afford but means I won't be able to save?"

why would that even enter your head?!

Gosh no no no, so sorry but this is a terrible idea for you.

The costs to re buy in the future will be many many thousands, and property prices could turn around and rise in 2025, you could be locked out od the market.

Also it is madness for him not to be working...please do not give up your security...if he really wants you he would live in a studio with you.

He has earned well in the past but is taking a break from work and living off savings.

Why is he doing this and what are his plans to return to work?

You can have a relationship without living together. How long have you been together, could you put your foot down about only moving in with him when he's had a job for at least 6 months.

Yes he did. But even if he didn't, there isn't any shame in taking time off and a lot of people would benefit from doing something nourishing for themselves every now and then. I think there is a degree of snobbery when people judge someone for taking time off work and "doing nothing". We don't judge millionaires for travelling the world or all these travel vloggers and digital nomads. So why an average Joe can't take time off work to do something nice? Because he has no money and is, therefore not working hard enough to justify this lifestyle. Completely bonkers. By this logic, nobody should be allowed to have a day off or spend an evening doing a hobby. What if they never sell their painting or don't become a famous quilter? They should be down in the mines instead then. Leisure is for the rich.

You have had a lot of very sensible advice on this thread. Keep your flat. There's no need to move in together yet, and he isn't really in a position to do so not being in a job. When I met my husband I had property and he didn't. It was a one bed flat but he stayed in his own place initially and although we did live together for all I tents and purposes it was split between the two properties). When he did move in properly ( after we were engaged and when actively planning a wedding) the one bed was fine and we put it on the market and it sold just after we were married and we bought a place together. Why does he think you need a 3 bed house for just the two of you if it's going to inconvenience you that much and you are the one taking on all of the risk? You could blow everything you have worked so hard for. It would be a hard no from me

Thanks very much everyone. I've definitely not been pushed into any of this (though he's not discouraged me 😏). But writing it all down and your replies have helped me see that it's "not a good plan on paper" for me at all!

Just to answer a few questions

• why not wait to move in? Our personal choice, we both have pets (inc. a large dog) and live nearly 100mi apart so getting time together is hard.
• why not move him in with me? I could absolutely raise this with him again! But it would be so cramped (two adults working full time from home, large dog and two cats!). I worry about the impact on our relationship of having no personal space. Plus his home is in a better location.
• why isn't he working? He earned exceptionally well last year and budgeted three months off for a personal project and is now job hunting. I'm very supportive of this and would love to do it myself in future. Though I do want him to get established in work again.
• why he rents a 3 bed house? It suited him and the dog and he has comfortably afforded it for the last three years.

Then the biggie obviously why I don't want to rent out my flat. Honestly part of it is the mental load, I have a stressful job and busy life. It needs some work to be brought up to standard and my landlord commitments and tax implications would need a lot of working out. I also figured it might be an advantage to be chain free when we buy together.

BUT given the financial risks which I alone will face, I do need to reconsider renting until hes working and we're ready to buy together. Also, if I do agree it's me who makes the move, I want to reconsider what I can contribute to him until I have rental income established.

I'll talk to him at the weekend! Thanks again!

Good luck OP.

Youre probably onto it already but you might also need to consider what will happen if your pets don't get along.

You only stand to lose in this. Also he will know you have this big chunk of equity sitting in the bank. What if he pulls sob stories and wants you to dip into your equity to help out with costs of XYZ....Just no. There is no incentive for him to work. Lunacy to rent a house bigger than what you both really need, and sell your flat in this market climate.

P.s Its honestly not that stressful renting out property. A good estate agent can essentially project manage the remedial works that need doing, using tradesmen that they deal with all the time. Insurance policies etc are easy to sort out with a bit of research.

Where is he job hunting?

And you absolutely can't cat-proof a garden that doesn't belong to either of you!

(Also, will the dog and cats get on?)

I completely understand not relishing the idea of renting out your flat. It's a lot of work, adds a lot of complications to your tax return etc.

So - for the first 6 months, why not just leave it empty?
I hate to even suggest this, as I wish you all the best, but you might find out that living together really doesn't work for one or both of you. You could then move right back into your home. Yes, you'd be paying your mortgage still with no rental income to cover it, but you wouldn't be any worse off, financially, than you are now. You'd also still be paying council tax and standing charges on utilities, but you could figure out a fair contribution to the bills on the property you move into together... You may even save a bit by living together on things like food and utilities.

At the end of this period, satisfied that living together is working for you both, you could either rent out your flat for a few years before you buy together, or you might be able to move directly to buying together. Either way, this would avoid the awkward interim stage where you've sold your property but aren't moving the equity directly into a new one. You could even potentially port your mortgage, avoiding early repayment fees.

What I would certainly avoid at all costs is moving in with someone and selling your flat immediately. What if it doesn't work out?! Give yourselves the benefit and grace of time, emotionally and financially.

Agree

also..

You are considering moving 100 miles away? What about your support network, if you have one?

As he's the renter, it's more logical for him to move near you.

I agree that you don't need to rent it out, you could keep it empty for six months to see what happened.

What a terrifying read.

Thank goodness you are taking on board how bad an idea this all is.

I wouldn't dream of moving in with someone who isn't working.

Selling your home.

12 years of financial independence blown.

I can see a future thread full of regret at the foolishness of your suggestions.

We have had enough of them on here.

Terrible regret at selling a home and the relationship failing.

Men are never so foolish.

Slow down OP.
You are behaving like a totally desperate woman making all these ridiculous sacrifices.

Such one-sided sacrifice, moving 100miles, for an unemployed man🙄who hasn't a notion of putting himself out for you, is such an act of total desperation.

Slow down.
Nothing worse that acting in haste and repenting at leisure.

No way would I sell my flat to move in with someone. Rent it, then I would split bills but not rent with him unless he put you on the tenancy so you have some security

Then once you are sure it’s working you can look to sell your flat once he is back at work and ramped up his savings to cover moving and buying

apart from anything else, it's a shit market for sellers. I've had my apartment on the market for 6 months + with two failed completions. before this, apartments in my building were selling as soon as they were put on the market + prices are awful. if you can't rent it out due to type of mortgage etc, don't move out. you will be making yourself vulnerable

This is a crazy idea. Never sell a house to rent. He isn’t even working. Give your head a wobble. This is a really stupid plan!

Can you not stay living separately until he’s back at work and ready to buy a house, it seems a lot of messing about.

Honestly just rent it out and use a portion of the money you receive in rent to help him for rent if he needs it. As long as the money you give him for rent, he saves up to go towards you both getting a deposit to buy, that's the best option.

i echo don’t sell the flat just incase it all goes wrong and you need to return there. Trust me, relationships change massively once you move in together. Given you live 100 miles apart as it is, you don’t even know if you’re compatible to live together

good luck xxx

errr my whole face is screwed up with the wtf are you doing vibes...

Why are you abandoning you owned property to join him in a rental
why are you paying toward his rent whilst still paying your mortgage
Why are you incurring costs such as moving and storage etc when he is gaining £600 a month
Why are you considering joining with someone who is"taking a break from working"

All sounds very red flag

Personally I'd be staying in my own property until we could both move forward into a joint property. Why join him in his 3 bed rental (which could show he makes bad financial decisions, because who needs a 3 bed rental on their own when a 2 bed or 1 bed would be more financially frugal) when you will incur fees for doing so