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Original poster

Should we split the financial burden of me moving in?

176 replies

Greenpotato87 · 30/11/2023 01:43

I'm preparing to move in with my boyfriend. He is generous and we have great communication, just seeking some outside opinions before I broach this.

He rents a 3 bed house and I own (with mortgage) a 1 bed flat. He has earned well in the past but is taking a break from work and living off savings. I earn a good salary too, probably more than him when he gets back to work.

Part of me would love him to move in with me, it makes better financial sense as I own but he doesn't want to as he feels it is too small. Honestly, I agree but if he was willing, I'd have liked to try. I respect his need for personal space at home.

When I move, I will have to list my flat for sale (definitely don't want to rent it) c.£1700, and will have to pay a mortgage early exit fee c.£2300 plus other inevitable moving costs. In future I will invest the equity in a property with him but plan to clarify my contribution should anything go wrong.

Between moving out and completing the sale on my flat, I will have to continue my mortgage (c.1300pcm) and have offered him £600pcm towards living expenses in the meantime which is less than half of his costs. Once sold, my equity will have to sit in the bank until he is back at work and we can buy somewhere, so potential for it to effectively lose value due to inflation.

There are things I / we will need to pay for when I move in e.g. extra storage, office equipment for me, putting me on car insurance and an outside enclosure for my cats. Maybe c.£2000.

We will both benefit from living together which is the main thing but all this would be a significant financial burden for me and he stands to gain £600pcm.

Deep down I'd like him to contribute to the cost of me selling and moving (partly because he has vetoed moving in with me) but is this reasonable if I'm not proposing to share my equity as such?! And I'd like us to share the costs of things needed when I move in, even though they're mostly things for me (I wouldn't need them if he was moving to my place). Should I give him £600pcm while still paying my mortgage which I can afford but means I won't be able to save? Or does the fact that I won't be contributing half of his costs for a few months mean I should "suck it up" on some of these other expenses?!

I'm sure he will be willing to discuss contributing if I ask but I feel tentative, especially as he is living off savings.

Please help, this is my first time living with someone. Have been financially independent for 12 years.

OP posts:
MrsMarzetti · 30/11/2023 08:25

No, no and no. You will have to carry him as the lazy sod won't work.

Outlookmainlyfair · 30/11/2023 08:32

Please don’t! 5 pages of reasons and counting.🚩🚩

YireosDodeAver · 30/11/2023 08:37

Don't move in together until he's back at work and earning enough that you can buy together. Or not at all, cos he sounds like he's angling to become a cocklodger. Don't tie yourself to him financially until he is demonstrating himself as a partner not a financial burden. Living on savings is not good financial management.

CushionsAreForCuddling · 30/11/2023 08:37

I think you are unfair to expect contribution from him.

  • You could easily rent your flat (why don't you want to?) which would wash its face in costs and end up at least neutral or small money maker.
  • You are forgetting that the £600 a month you will contribute to him will be less than your current mortgage and bills already, so you will make a regular saving while enjoying a larger property.
  • You are forgetting that at the moment, there are good inflation-matching savings accounts and house prices are falling. This may change but your money is in all honesty probably better in a 5% fixed savings account for the next 3 years than in a house.
  • You are considering the costs as 'one offs' separate from the equity you may pool in time. All that will actually happen is you will have less equity personally because of the fees, so you will be contributing less towards your house together. In the long run its the same thing.
Catza · 30/11/2023 08:42

The short answer is no - pretty much to everything you said.
I moved in with my partner some years ago. I was in a very similar setup. I would absolutely never consider selling my flat. As much as I love my partner and hope we are in for a long haul, I am not ever going to leave myself exposed like that. I will sell my flat if and when we are ready to buy a property together (and that's a big IF since he is self-employed and I don't want to share assets with him in case anything happens to his business that he would be personally liable for). I rent my flat now which is a great help financially. It took a while to find good tenants but they do exist.
I financed the move myself. I would never dream of asking my partner to share the costs of me moving in. The only thing he did was drive my stuff in his work van 200 miles between my flat and his house. And I haven't paid for petrol. Which was already a favour since I don't think he is responsible for me financially.
Think of it this way - if tables were reversed and he moved in with you, would you be prepared to share the costs of him ending his tenancy early, a storage unit rent to house his belongings (as they wouldn't fit into your 1 bed), extra commute to work etc.? I doubt you would be happy with this set-up. So why do you think he would be when you ask him for money?

caringcarer · 30/11/2023 08:45

You'd be mad to sell your home. What if your relationship fails? You'd have to move out with nowhere to go. Keep your house and get it rented through a good agent for 2-3 years. Your mortgage will be covered and you'd get some money every month you could save. You'd avoid a lot of selling cost. If you had to buy again in the future you'd have to pay stamp duty. Only FTB get it free or heavily reduced. You'd no longer be a FTB of you bought again.

Original poster
Greenpotato87 · 30/11/2023 08:47

Well that's resounding! Some really excellent points made thank you! Though I also realised I missed some information about why I want to do this. I don't know how to limit replies (I think the collective view is clear at this point!!) But I'm going to have a good think about all this and reply to some of the questions if I can.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 30/11/2023 08:48

There are so many red flags here.

For one thing, why is he having a little rest and living on savings? That doesn't make sense for a grown man.

Why on earth would you give up your own home to go and live in a rental with someone you've never lived with before?

CandyLeBonBon · 30/11/2023 08:51

Don't do it. Do. Not. Do. It.

I was in your exact position 25 years ago. Sold my flat because my then bf didn't like my flat - and used my equity to eventually buy a place. I lost money and bitterly regret selling my only valuable asset.

Don't lose your flat. Please!

Makemeover4 · 30/11/2023 08:51

Do not do this 😳

Ethylred · 30/11/2023 08:54

Regardless of what you do OP, I want to know more about
``taking a break from work and living off savings''.
Because that sounds hilarious (although not in a good way).

BrimfulOfMash · 30/11/2023 08:55

Why is he taking a break from work?

Ace56 · 30/11/2023 08:58

Surely renting a 3 bed house must be quite expensive - how come he can afford to do that but not buy? And why does a single man need a 3 bed house? He should’ve rented a one bed whilst saving for a deposit…

Please do not sell your flat!

Vinrouge4 · 30/11/2023 08:59

BrimfulOfMash · 30/11/2023 08:55

Why is he taking a break from work?

This?

Wavyline · 30/11/2023 09:01

Keep your flat.
Don't buy a property with him.
Seriously consider whether it's such a good idea to move in with him - he's out of work FFS. If you do then don't get pregnant and - let me say it again - don't sell your flat!

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 30/11/2023 09:02

Vinrouge4 · 30/11/2023 08:59

This?

Show quote history

Indeed, I wonder if he’s been sacked and cba to look for another job

Waitingforwaiter · 30/11/2023 09:05

Ethylred · 30/11/2023 08:54

Regardless of what you do OP, I want to know more about
``taking a break from work and living off savings''.
Because that sounds hilarious (although not in a good way).

Its not hilarious, necessarily.
Not intending to pick on you, but so many posters find it odd to have/need a break!

I'm currently taking a break from work and living off savings. This is due to (mental) health reasons and jumping before I was pushed. It's not great but I'm extremely lucky to be able to.

There are reasons this would make sense, especially if he has serious money in the bank. The bits that don't make sense are: if he has the money to do this, why on earth hasn't he bought somewhere? Renting a three bed for one person suggests being relatively well off so why hasn't he rented a small flat instead and saved a deposit? Rents are not cheap, it's always better to buy if you can.

Something is off, even if it's just very poor financial decision making.

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 30/11/2023 09:10

It sounds just perfect if he moved in with you?
Paying off a mortgage would be the smart practical thing rather than renting for him as well, as he sees you as a couple ongoing right?

Why is he 'taking a break from work' - is he between jobs or re-training or something or is he someone with no ability to think in financial terms?
I'm sure if you move in with all your excess money from your house sale and he is struggling then some of your money will be spent propping him up.
If you do rent together then why do you need a 3 bedroomed house?

Why the rush. Wait until he has a job and then buy a house 50/50. At least then you will know that it's not all talk and dreams, he needs to show some maturity.

Bearbookagainandagain · 30/11/2023 09:10

I can only repeat what others have said: DON'T DO IT!

Even if there wasn't any red flags (and there are plenty!), you do not under any circumstances sell your flat to move in with a boyfriend!
A lot of relationships break at that point, it's a terrible idea! Once you've been living together long enough to be confortable this is a stable relationship, reconsider.

Regarding renting out your flat, I'm not sure about the details but my now husband did rent his flat when we first moved together. As long as he kept the tenancy agreement to 12 months at a time, he had no issue with his mortgage provider as he had lived in the flat as his main residence for many years. He didn't make any money out of it, just earned enough to cover the mortgage, agency fees and additional income tax.

Tooshytoshine · 30/11/2023 09:16

You sound very sensible but also a little too trusting of this man.

Keep your flat and move in with him after his little break from working, when he can fully contribute and is more stable.

Even if he is financially stable at this point and the money is not an issue. He seems like somebody I would not want to make future plans with when he is effectively rootless and responsibility free (no employment, renting). He seems commitment averse or avoidant. I don't know how old you are but I would be very loathe to view this man as someone to have kids with in the future.

Can he still afford to leave work if you don't move in? What is the benefit to you of moving in?

It sounds like you have the best of all worlds ATM. A place to work and be separate in your flat, and he has all the room he needs in his 3 bedroom house (is it housing association or house that would be hard to rent otherwise?). What are the benefits to you of moving in with him, in his space and making all these financial and emotional compromises?

He would have to be in a different place in his life for me to view him as somebody I wanted to share my life with to that extent.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/11/2023 09:19

He's not working. Don't do it. And do t give up your own flat to pay rent.

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 30/11/2023 09:21

Shouldn't he be putting his savings towards the two of you buying a place together? This wouldn't feel right to me and no way would I give up a flat that I owned.

Catza · 30/11/2023 09:23

Ethylred · 30/11/2023 08:54

Regardless of what you do OP, I want to know more about
``taking a break from work and living off savings''.
Because that sounds hilarious (although not in a good way).

It's not as strange as people on here may think. My ex took time off work and lived off his savings for two years to write a novel and also do a PhD proposal. I am currently considering taking some time off work as there is another project I want to get on with and I have enough money saved to manage for a good while. Not everyone's priority is to buy a house and have 2.7 children. Some people have other pursuits in life which, at times, may require getting out of the rat race. It's not shameful if one can finance it out of their own hard earned cash.

Ethylred · 30/11/2023 09:35

@Catza taking a break and doing very little is not the same as taking a break and doing something different. Did your ex write that novel and get it published? Did they finish their PhD? Because ``doing a PhD proposal'' is not comparable.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2023 09:38

I'm preparing to move in with my boyfriend. He is generous and we have great communication, just seeking some outside opinions before I broach this.

Those are not good enough reasons for chucking away your financial asset and spending a fortune to do so.

How old are you both?

You want an outside opinion? DO NOT DO THIS