Should we split the financial burden of me moving in?

[Greenpotato87]

I'm preparing to move in with my boyfriend. He is generous and we have great communication, just seeking some outside opinions before I broach this.

He rents a 3 bed house and I own (with mortgage) a 1 bed flat. He has earned well in the past but is taking a break from work and living off savings. I earn a good salary too, probably more than him when he gets back to work.

Part of me would love him to move in with me, it makes better financial sense as I own but he doesn't want to as he feels it is too small. Honestly, I agree but if he was willing, I'd have liked to try. I respect his need for personal space at home.

When I move, I will have to list my flat for sale (definitely don't want to rent it) c.£1700, and will have to pay a mortgage early exit fee c.£2300 plus other inevitable moving costs. In future I will invest the equity in a property with him but plan to clarify my contribution should anything go wrong.

Between moving out and completing the sale on my flat, I will have to continue my mortgage (c.1300pcm) and have offered him £600pcm towards living expenses in the meantime which is less than half of his costs. Once sold, my equity will have to sit in the bank until he is back at work and we can buy somewhere, so potential for it to effectively lose value due to inflation.

There are things I / we will need to pay for when I move in e.g. extra storage, office equipment for me, putting me on car insurance and an outside enclosure for my cats. Maybe c.£2000.

We will both benefit from living together which is the main thing but all this would be a significant financial burden for me and he stands to gain £600pcm.

Deep down I'd like him to contribute to the cost of me selling and moving (partly because he has vetoed moving in with me) but is this reasonable if I'm not proposing to share my equity as such?! And I'd like us to share the costs of things needed when I move in, even though they're mostly things for me (I wouldn't need them if he was moving to my place). Should I give him £600pcm while still paying my mortgage which I can afford but means I won't be able to save? Or does the fact that I won't be contributing half of his costs for a few months mean I should "suck it up" on some of these other expenses?!

I'm sure he will be willing to discuss contributing if I ask but I feel tentative, especially as he is living off savings.

Please help, this is my first time living with someone. Have been financially independent for 12 years.

I’d suggest you approach your mortgage provider and discuss the possibility of consent to lease, and look at a short term tenant in your flat while you trial living together

Selling up is a big step

Do not move in or sell until he is back at work and you can move onto the next phase of your life together as partners.

Honestly, I would be extremely wary of him living off savings, rather than using them for your joint future.

Don't do it! Don't sell a property to move in with a guy who cba to work. He should be working and saving for a deposit. This has red flags all over.

My immediate thoughts are "You're fucking nuts if you do this!".

Just look at any other way to do this other than give to your own home and financial security.

No decent man would sponge off a woman such as is being proposed.

Have you considered the possibility of him moving closer to you and renting?

Run away and run away fast! Do NOT give up your home for him!

This is so crazy.
Sorry to be blunt.
A woman should not sacrifice anything to be with a man.
Wake up.
Sounds like you will be paying for the privilege if being with him.
Not dis similar to ' chasing '

Reading your post, OP, I guess he MUST be absolute dynamite in the bedroom. This is the only logical explanation I can find for your completely irrational behaviour! Sell your flat and give up your financial security, at a personal cost of £10k to move into rented accommodation with a man who only works when he feels like it? Smells like amazing sex to me 🙃

Your home is your safety net which you are fortunate to have and as a women should insure your future by holding on to it. Please reconsider renting out your home, get a good agent and take advice, you’ll be fine and glad in years to come that you have this asset.

unless its his moms house and just seeing you as financial gain lol

NO NO NO and just no.

Do not sell your flat in a shitty market to move in with a man. Just no.

That's a really unsound financial decision.

Tell him to get a job first then you will decide what to do. There is no use burdening yourself with his problems as well as your own. I say this as 37 year old guy, don't sell, while that money sits in the bank it does not gain anything and people will start to nibble like a rat around meat. It takes me roughly 1 week once my higher paying seasonal job ends around November, too cold to work, I just go push some pallets and drive some trucks. I just can't be doing outside work in winter it's too much . No excuses as a man to be unemployed, tell him to get up and fight.

What if you didn't get on and he kicked you out, you would be kicking yourself. Homeless and lost all that money and would be a lot harder for you to get back on the property ladder. What if he can't get back to work and his savings dry up then you have to cover all the bills and he's just mooching off you? Love can turn some people into fools. Please don't be one of them!!

@Greenpotato87 this is crazy talk!!!

Wait until he has established himself in a new job, and built up a deposit.

Then you think about living together. I would be very wary though, lots of red flags waving away.

Next he will be saying half the house is his... exactly what my boyfriend said, also been in same situation then got married and he owned then half house as married then he had affairs whilst I was 6 months pregnant ( I didn't know) then many years and children later found that out

Things turn nasty ... never get anything back from inheriting half of what I owned..gave up work yo look after kids.. would take half house and be left living in one bed flat now after owning a house as couldn't afford to pay mortgage as main child carer...life isn't always as you see it

I agree.

Personally it makes better sense to keep the property and rent it out via a reputable agency who will vet all prospective tenants first and make thorough checks on them from financial to character. There are some very good agencies which specialise in properties which are quite expensive to let out such as yours: try one of them first and make a point of requesting three or four inspection checks a year, so every three months: March, June, Sept and December for example. That way you will know if your property is being looked after or not.

Do not put all your eggs in one basket by selling your property. In fact, what bugs me is that he is not really wanting to move in with you but for you to move in with him! He seems to not want to incur the costs that you would be having to if you were to move in with him. I get the impression that he is a tight-ass and likes his own way too much, nevermind liking his own space!

I would suggest you give it another year and see how things play out for you both. If he cools towards you, he is wanting to move on - but not necessarily with you. That is a bad sign.

Selling your property and moving in with him is a really huge risk and not something I would encourage or even do myself. You said that he would gain £600 pcm out of you if you were to move in with him! I bet he loved that idea!

Keep your place and your money. Most importantly, keep your financial independence for a few more years. Don't ever lose it because of a man...I did and that was THE biggest mistake of my life.

Oh god you are so right.

Please don't do it. Our hearts often take over from our heads. It's all in his favour and not in yours at all. If you want to live together work out a plan that is equal. Try living together first. Maybe try alternate weeks or months at each other's places for a few months. Then buy somewhere together equally. You've worked hard and been independent for so long don't throw it all away. I'm in my 60s and have lost so much over the years taking risks on love as have some of my friends. What are you friends saying?

Firstly how long have u been together? Can't u live together but over 2 places for a while, this sounds messy and a bad idea. You'll be the only one affected of it all goes wrong

Hi I wouldn't sell up what if things ho drastically wrong have you considered renting out your place and if he's got as much money a you day he should be paying for everything at his intill uour place is sold be very careful sounds to me like he wants a sugar mummy and men are so crafty tell uim to get back to work and that your seriously thinking of pay £2000 for cats enclosure on a rental property this to me sounds like a man who will screw you over and take everything beware

It’s all bad!

Asking for half your costs is ridiculous.

Selling your flat is absolutely insane! I cannot stress how foolish you are being by not hanging on to it and renting it out.

I was in a similar situation, the market wasn't very good and my partner had recently bought their place with no equity, I had equity in mine so sold at a loss. 7 years later we separated, I had contributed half to everything as well as paying for all holidays etc. I walked out with the clothes on my back while they had a fully furnished and almost paid off property. I had to start from scratch. Please rent your place out, unless you buy with both names on the mortgage make sure you keep your place so you have somewhere to go if needed. Don't be like I was

Are you assuming he is financially irresponsible? A person who has a large enough savings that he can take a break from work is arguably the definition of a financially responsible person.

People take breaks from work for all sorts of good (and bad) reasons. Given he has a large savings, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

This