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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends who always want to bring their Dh’s/partners to everything

173 replies

Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 22:06

It’s kind of annoying, does anyone agree?
For example, random playground play dates with a set of mum friends or girls nights out. One or two will always want to bring them along, I don’t really, not because I don’t enjoy Dh’s company/want him there in an awful way, it just changes the dynamic. I really don’t understand the playground meet ups and wonder why the Dh’s always want to tag along. Dh and I do lots of family things with Dd, but to be honest he often doesn’t want to come to a mums meet up (he likes my friends) but would rather chill at home given the chance.
I sometimes wonder if the Dh’s are controlling maybe….as the mum friends may often say they’ve been doing a few things without them lately, are they not allowed to, or am I reading too much into it?

OP posts:
LauritaEvita · 29/11/2023 22:11

Yeah this would really annoy me. It would be like me turning up to do something my husband has arranged to do with his mates. People need to see their own mates without their partners sometimes.

Original poster
Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 22:13

Is it because they simply just want their partner there (fair enough) or do you think maybe the partner complains/doesn’t want them going out without them?

OP posts:
CremeEggSupremacy · 29/11/2023 22:13

Yeah this would annoy me. One of my friends used to bring her husband to everything uninvited. Next time I made plans with her I quite pointedly said I was looking forward to a girls’ day out with her and she got the message

Original poster
Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 22:13

@CremeEggSupremacy I wonder why she always brought him?

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 29/11/2023 22:14

This would annoy me too.If I'm having a meet up with mum friends then I'm expecting it to be mum's catching up, not mainly mums and Barbara's husband

I wonder if the people who do this are the same people who give their husbands a blow by blow account of everything friends discuss anyway because they think they're one person and they "don't keep secrets" from each other.

Original poster
Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 22:17

I don’t really get why the partner wants to come if it’s mainly all women/mums and kids sometimes, given the chance, wouldn’t most love to get out of it and do their own stuff or be with their own mates or is that just mine

OP posts:
CremeEggSupremacy · 29/11/2023 22:17

Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 22:13

@CremeEggSupremacy I wonder why she always brought him?

No idea. It got quite weird tbh, I’d meet her for a lunch time coffee kind of thing and he’d come along - when we both WFH and he doesn’t, but did work local to where we were meeting. These days I’m always specific if I’m inviting both of them eg ‘can’t wait to see you both’

Original poster
Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 22:25

@LolaSmiles Yes, that’s also quite strange too, I like my space and own section of life

OP posts:
Original poster
Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 22:26

@CremeEggSupremacy I wonder why he always wanted to come…I don’t know, I do have friends and I count their Dh’s/partners as sort of friends too? As in I like them and their company, but would still rather it was just us the majority of the time I think

OP posts:
cpphelp · 29/11/2023 22:56

I always prefer my husband to come to kids parties with me (when all three children are invited) as I can be quite shy and socially awkward, whereas my husband is brilliant at chatting to people he doesn't know.

Moonshine5 · 29/11/2023 23:01

This is a pet hate of mine. Grrrr why? The last time my friend invited us girls over her husband sat at the table so close their elbows were touching and actually said "don't mind me, I'm going to make a list". I made my excuses and left.
Another time (same friend) we were out and she spent the entire night texting him about what we were doing including sending videos.
I've taken a step back as we've explicitly said it's just girls so it feels like she doesn't respect our boundaries.

SpacePotato · 29/11/2023 23:15

Moonshine5 · 29/11/2023 23:01

This is a pet hate of mine. Grrrr why? The last time my friend invited us girls over her husband sat at the table so close their elbows were touching and actually said "don't mind me, I'm going to make a list". I made my excuses and left.
Another time (same friend) we were out and she spent the entire night texting him about what we were doing including sending videos.
I've taken a step back as we've explicitly said it's just girls so it feels like she doesn't respect our boundaries.

It's highly likely that this friend is in an abusive marriage and her husband is completely controlling.

Texting and sending videos as 'proof' of where she is and who she's with.

I assume if the DP always tags along, they are either a sad fucker with no life or a controlling fucker who won't allow their DP to have a a life.

Original poster
Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 23:23

@SpacePotato Yes I sometimes wonder the same

OP posts:
Draoicht · 29/11/2023 23:24

I find it weirder that so many people’s default is single sex meet-ups.

Original poster
Adayofreadinginbed · 29/11/2023 23:26

@Draoicht At a playground with kids? Or a girls lunch/night?

OP posts:
FaryNuff · 29/11/2023 23:28

cpphelp · 29/11/2023 22:56

I always prefer my husband to come to kids parties with me (when all three children are invited) as I can be quite shy and socially awkward, whereas my husband is brilliant at chatting to people he doesn't know.

Children’s parties don’t need to be a family affair though. You say when all three are invited, what do you do when only one is invited?

Some people can’t go anywhere without their DH/DP @Adayofreadinginbed its so annoying. I organised a Christmas get together last year and had one person insist that their DH came along, I uninvited her, it would have changed the dynamic of the evening with 12 women and one bringing her DH who couldn’t possibly entertain himself at home.

Treaclesandwich · 29/11/2023 23:29

Yeah, it’s so weird, and annoying.

Some things are obviously couple events. But outside of those events it’s really annoying, and I have no idea why the partner wants to tag along like a spare part.

Amonthinthecountry · 29/11/2023 23:29

Yeah, I agree it’s weirder to have only girls. Always had mixed friendship groups.

LolaSmiles · 29/11/2023 23:30

I find it weirder that so many people’s default is single sex meet-ups
Surely it depends on the meet?

If we're having a families get together then I'd expect it to be mixed sex.
If I'm socialising with friends from a hobby, I'd expect mixed sex.
If I'm having a catch up with mum friends at the park, then I'd expect it to my (female) mum friends.

Most people wouldn't crash their spouse's/partner's meet ups with their friends because adding spouses changes the dynamics.

strawberrysea · 29/11/2023 23:30

This is one of my biggest pet peeves. I always make it very clear now it messages that it's 'ladies night' (cringe) or something along those lines and stress that 'the men can stay at home and keep the house company' (again, cringe).

All very patronising I know but I was getting so fed up of my friends brining them along. You're with them all the time, you can survive without them for a few hours.

telestrations · 29/11/2023 23:30

It's infuriating. One is insisting her BF will be so offended if he isn't invited to my birthday party. Which is all girls. My own DH is being banished from the house

Moonshine5 · 29/11/2023 23:30

SpacePotato · 29/11/2023 23:15

It's highly likely that this friend is in an abusive marriage and her husband is completely controlling.

Texting and sending videos as 'proof' of where she is and who she's with.

I assume if the DP always tags along, they are either a sad fucker with no life or a controlling fucker who won't allow their DP to have a a life.

Show quote history

No it's not I've known them for many years, tbf she's just as much on his case as he is on hers.

Nofilteritwonthelp · 29/11/2023 23:30

YANBU. I'd just say it's a "girls night"

Moonshine5 · 29/11/2023 23:32

@strawberrysea
You've articulated exactly how I feel !

telestrations · 29/11/2023 23:32

Mine isn't. My default is mixed as my friendship groups always have been but I like to socialise both with and without my partner, and to socialise with friends with and without theirs or even their partners without them.

Though as I've gotten older I have come to appreciate female only company more