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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to cover team Christmas meal?

283 replies

ChristmasMeal · 29/11/2023 21:46

DH is a Team Manager. He is going out with his team this weekend for a Christmas meal and has said to me he is going to be covering the entire bill for the meal, himself and three others. I've said I don't agree with this, while it wouldn't completely bankrupt us, it would leave us with a smaller budget to buy Christmas gifts for family.

I get the feeling he wants to cover as he's a relatively new Team Manager and wants to appear cool and likeable but I worry he's setting a precedence for future years too.

AIBU for not wanting him to cover everyone's meal?

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 30/11/2023 00:08

He should NOT do this.
I've worked in the public sector for over 35 years, under many different managers in that time and no Manager ever has done this, nor would be expected to do this.
It is a very bad precedent to set.

If he wants to put some wine on the table, or buy everyone a welcome drink in lieu of fiddling around with small gifts, then fair enough, but please tell him it isn't the done thing at all. Even if he could afford it, and it weren't to impact on your family budget, it makes the next Manager look bad or puts them under pressure if it started to be 'the thing'.
Please persuade him not to.

caringcarer · 30/11/2023 00:15

Sisterpita · 29/11/2023 22:12

Public sector is everyone pays for their own meals but senior staff may cover drinks during the meal - not after.

Yes, this is the norm where my DH works in the public sector. Everyone pays £30 for their meal and the senior manager pays for wine for everyone during the meal. 1 bottle between 3 people and believe me that is expensive enough.

Lookingatthesunset · 30/11/2023 00:33

I've worked in the public sector for over 30 years and this is not the done thing! Especially with such a ridiculous differential in pay! Once had a manager offer to pay for a lunch, but the team declined!

Lookingatthesunset · 30/11/2023 00:35

Actually, had a manager many years ago, on hugely more than any of the team. He was renowned for being as tight as a duck's arse.

He took voluntary redundancy on a 'package' that would have been substantial.

Not long after, he arranged to meet the team for lunch. We foolishly thought he might be breaking the habit of a lifetime and treating us - only to be sadly disabused when the bill came and he asked, "how are we splitting this bill?"

Gave us a good laugh at least!!

SashaBIu · 30/11/2023 00:53

My boss does this each year for the team. To be fair it makes me uncomfortable and I'd rather pay my own way. It's really generous of him but I like to pay my own way. Just something he likes to do though. But he's got plenty of money.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/11/2023 00:55

YANBU

He should absolutely NOT do this...there have been threads on this before when employees have totally taken the piss as they've presumed it was being covered by the company.

If this is your joint money, which you've confirmed, then really you do have a say and I would be against this if I were you.

Buy a round by all means, but absolutely not cover the whole meal for everyone, it'll cost hundreds, and yes, it'll absolutely set precedent, they'll come to expect it every year. Better to set boundaries.

nettie434 · 30/11/2023 01:41

I feel quite conflicted about this one. @WaddyDarbucks rightly points out that for a team of 4 (including OP's husband), then it is probably going to cost £200 or so. How would the OP feel if she wanted to spend £200 on herself? Would she want her husband to say that everyone will get cheaper Christmas presents? I firmly believe that even when finances are shared, each partner needs to have a discretionary budget that is theirs to spend.

At the same time, as someone who has only ever worked in the state or voluntary sector, I would never expect a team manager to pay for a meal from their own resources. Buying a round of drinks would be lovely. A bottle of wine with a 'thank you for your work over the past year' card would be perfect. Obviously chocolates/candle etc as an alternative for those who don't like alcohol would make the OP's husband even more appreciated.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 30/11/2023 01:48

When I was working I had a team of thirty. At our Christmas meal I used to pay for the restaurant to put bottles of wine on the table but everyone paid for their own food.

Pollywoddles · 30/11/2023 01:52

No! Our TM would pay for a round of drinks or they’d cover the wine with dinner. In the civil service the new TMs aren’t on very much more than some lower grades at the top of their scale.

stillholly · 30/11/2023 02:04

Does he intend to do it every year?

Why is he so desperate to do this when the entire thread is full of people agreeing with you?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 30/11/2023 02:11

Highlyflavouredgravy · 29/11/2023 21:50

Surely he can expense it?

I'm assuming this is public sector.

I'm a team manager in the public sector. We have our Christmas lunch on Friday, and I'll be buying a round of drinks for the team. There's no way I'm doing more than that, and it wouldn't be expected.

Original poster
ChristmasMeal · 30/11/2023 02:13

nettie434 · 30/11/2023 01:41

I feel quite conflicted about this one. @WaddyDarbucks rightly points out that for a team of 4 (including OP's husband), then it is probably going to cost £200 or so. How would the OP feel if she wanted to spend £200 on herself? Would she want her husband to say that everyone will get cheaper Christmas presents? I firmly believe that even when finances are shared, each partner needs to have a discretionary budget that is theirs to spend.

At the same time, as someone who has only ever worked in the state or voluntary sector, I would never expect a team manager to pay for a meal from their own resources. Buying a round of drinks would be lovely. A bottle of wine with a 'thank you for your work over the past year' card would be perfect. Obviously chocolates/candle etc as an alternative for those who don't like alcohol would make the OP's husband even more appreciated.

@nettie434 well I absolutely wouldn't want to be spending £200 on myself if I couldn't afford it. I'm very good at not being self-indulgent and taking into account the bigger picture i.e. buying Christmas gifts.

£200 is not an insignificant amount of money when household finances are tight

OP posts:
Gowlett · 30/11/2023 02:24

My DH does this. It’s so he looks cool. He’ll buy rounds of drink in the pub. Get gig tickets for friends. Go on weekends away with no budgeting whatsoever. Then he’ll have no money…

One time he paid for a family dinner in a nice restaurant (we were invited, not hosting) & secretly paid the bill to get one up on my rich uncle (who was paying). I was raging, as my parents were helping me out when stuck (we had no money). It was very embarrassing! (he also tips too much).

Frozensun · 30/11/2023 03:44

I’ve been a higher level manager in the public sector. I usually paid for a couple of bottles of wine and beer for the table and then every thing else split. Coming close to Christmas, I’d buy Christmas chocs and biscuits and leave them in the tea room for people to graze on. Staff know clearly that there’s no expense account and don’t expect anything. They were happy with having something to show some appreciation.

saffronsoup · 30/11/2023 04:17

I don’t think it is as uncommon as some people think. In many places employees expect some show or sign of appreciation from their manager / boss beyond a verbal thank you. Most of the managers I know do put in personal money to buy gifts or take t am for dinner. In my organization if I did nothing it would get grumbled about as a sign of a lack of appreciation and inviting my team out for a pay it all yourself dinner..why would they come? Most don’t want to spend more time at work for nothing…if they are going to pay for a dinner out it will be with family or friends.

Hastae · 30/11/2023 04:19

LaurieStrode · 29/11/2023 23:57

I mean, it's a few hundred quid, not thousands. For priceless goodwill.

It is far from guaranteed that this will generate goodwill, let alone priceless goodwill.

I would not be comfortable with my line manager paying for my meal (unless it was the £700k partner scenario mentioned upthread!) and would prefer no meal at all, frankly. Given the low pay differential here, there is also a risk that it comes across as show-offy and patronising.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/11/2023 04:21

saffronsoup · 30/11/2023 04:17

I don’t think it is as uncommon as some people think. In many places employees expect some show or sign of appreciation from their manager / boss beyond a verbal thank you. Most of the managers I know do put in personal money to buy gifts or take t am for dinner. In my organization if I did nothing it would get grumbled about as a sign of a lack of appreciation and inviting my team out for a pay it all yourself dinner..why would they come? Most don’t want to spend more time at work for nothing…if they are going to pay for a dinner out it will be with family or friends.

Are you public sector?

itsraininginmyheart · 30/11/2023 05:14

My friend went out for a meal with his team and paid for each of them to get a taxi home. This meant they could have a drink but get home safely.

Obviously it very much depends how far away they live as it could be hugely expensive!!!!

Scousefab · 30/11/2023 05:54

I’m private sector and my boss never pays for me nor is it expected. Your husband needs to rein it in and keep quiet. They will come to expect it every year.maybe get a first drink in and that’s it.

twirlywoop · 30/11/2023 06:13

It could come across offensive like he doesn't think they can afford it but he can. I really think he should reconsider. If he's a good people manager he'd know this. He needs to be one of the team not othering himself and elevating him self so high above them. Drinks are enough.

TyneTeas · 30/11/2023 06:16

If he goes over what is the norm, he isn't going to win friends among other managers who stick with the usual gesture

Souvenir81 · 30/11/2023 06:17

If he has already offered then is too late to change now

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/11/2023 06:19

user1471556818 · 29/11/2023 21:51

No a round of drinks is plenty

THIS!

As you rightly comment - this will set a precedent - he will be expected to buy the Christmas meal every year. If he doesn't then people will be muttering about it. ) It only takes a single incident to set up an expectation that something will happen forever.)

If he does buy the Christmas meal every year, not only does it affect your budget, but when he moves on and a new manager takes his place, people will expect the new manager to follow his precedent, and will be pee'd when they don't. And if he's in the same organisation when he moves on, word will get round and he'll be expected to do the same in the next, possibly bigger, department.

Don't start it.

schmuzz · 30/11/2023 06:40

It's incredible that @WaddyDarbucks has such insight into the op's finances and budget

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/11/2023 06:43

It's also very easy to find people likeable when you're new to the team and don't know them well. Wait til he has performance issues to manage, it gets an absolute PITA nightmare in the team. He'll soon regret starting this tradition when he's forking out £30 for dinner for someone he actively dislikes. And teams grow! My team started with 5 including me, and now we are 9. In fact we will be 10 at the Christmas meal as we have a new starter crossing with the leaver. Imagine if I had started that nonsense and was now stuck buying dinner for 9 people. Just no.
also, in my team we are pretty transparent about income and situations. Two of my team earn more than me as they are locums. Quite a lot more! One earns less as a junior but she retrained from a lucrative career and has a high earning spouse. They all know my situation (roughly) and it would be a joke for me to offer to pay their dinner. They would be mortified, especially the locums!! Don't let him do it, it's fraught!!!