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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to cover team Christmas meal?

283 replies

ChristmasMeal · 29/11/2023 21:46

DH is a Team Manager. He is going out with his team this weekend for a Christmas meal and has said to me he is going to be covering the entire bill for the meal, himself and three others. I've said I don't agree with this, while it wouldn't completely bankrupt us, it would leave us with a smaller budget to buy Christmas gifts for family.

I get the feeling he wants to cover as he's a relatively new Team Manager and wants to appear cool and likeable but I worry he's setting a precedence for future years too.

AIBU for not wanting him to cover everyone's meal?

OP posts:
Andanotherone01 · 03/12/2023 11:26

Always the first round of drinks in the public sector. Everyone else covers their own food and other drinks.

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/12/2023 11:36

Paid for by your husband?

privateano · 03/12/2023 12:29

Peablockfeathers · 03/12/2023 10:54

Not in the public sector it doesn't! Can you imagine the outrage? Rightly or wrongly people are used to paying for their own meals if they want to go out, I've known managers to get a round in which is a nice gesture, or get a small gift for everyone; but paying for the meal feels a bit much especially if your family has asked you not to because finances arent great.

Show quote history

I did say "they split the bill..."

tenterden · 03/12/2023 15:23

So what is he sacrificing from his personal spending to compensate?

greyhairnomore · 03/12/2023 17:34

ChristmasMeal · 03/12/2023 10:47

Just to update, the meal was paid for...

So he completely disregarded your concerns over money?
Did he even engage in a conversation about it?

Yesterdayortomorrow · 03/12/2023 17:40

So who paid the bill ?

UsingChangeofName · 03/12/2023 17:53

ChristmasMeal · 03/12/2023 10:47

Just to update, the meal was paid for...

by whom?

Original poster
ChristmasMeal · 03/12/2023 18:30

Yes bill was paid by my DH

OP posts:
Cactusmad · 03/12/2023 19:12

So how are u feeling about that?

twirlywoop · 03/12/2023 19:52

ChristmasMeal · 03/12/2023 18:30

Yes bill was paid by my DH

Ffs what a patronising move. I'd be so pissed off if I were his employees and also insisting on a pay rise as he's got enough to be flashing his cash

BIossomtoes · 03/12/2023 19:54

twirlywoop · 03/12/2023 19:52

Ffs what a patronising move. I'd be so pissed off if I were his employees and also insisting on a pay rise as he's got enough to be flashing his cash

Show quote history

Good luck with that in the public sector, even if there was the tiniest trace of logic to it.

twirlywoop · 03/12/2023 20:12

BIossomtoes · 03/12/2023 19:54

Good luck with that in the public sector, even if there was the tiniest trace of logic to it.

Show quote history

Ah missed it was public sector sorry

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 03/12/2023 20:36

Yanbu.

The employer should cover if anyone. He could buy them a drink each or buy some bottles for the table. How many people we are talking about ?

saraclara · 03/12/2023 21:42

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 03/12/2023 20:36

Yanbu.

The employer should cover if anyone. He could buy them a drink each or buy some bottles for the table. How many people we are talking about ?

Again. This is public sector. The government does not use tax payers money to feed and water or entertain their employees at Christmas.

I can't believe we're still having to say this.

Codlingmoths · 03/12/2023 21:46

I hope your dh has enthusiastically taken on sorting the Christmas present budget. If he still left it to me I’d be ‘nothing for your family this year since the present budget got cut, and I was left to sort it on my own.’

Snowdogsmitten · 03/12/2023 22:53

ChristmasMeal · 03/12/2023 10:47

Just to update, the meal was paid for...

And now your family have less at Christmas. What was he thinking?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/12/2023 00:29

What a prick. Well now that the family Christmas budget is reduced, his ego boost dinner can be his present, so you don't need to bother spending more money to buy him anything for Christmas.

Lookingatthesunset · 04/12/2023 03:04

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 22:55

Well your comment there shows you don't know how employee entertainment costs work.

I'm in the private sector and we pay the lunch and substantial bar kitty for our own department. It comes out of our personal pockets.

There are other staff entertainment events for the whole firm which are paid for by the firm. The expenditure is tax deductible from profits but in theory that creates potential taxable benefit for the employees to pay tax on the entertainment received and the employer to report this on form P11D. To avoid that many employers pay the tax due or not claim it all.

Show quote history

Well you clearly don't have a clue how the public sector works then do you? I've worked in both private and public sectors.

There is no provision for managers to pay for staff Christmas do's and most of you would be frothing at the mouth if there was!!! In times gone by, there may have been a budget for certain situations but alcohol was never allowed to be funded!

There is such a squeeze on spending that there is fuck all in the kitty. My organisation recently had a conference - what had previously been a full day was a half day and lunch was a tiny bowl of soup with half a roll!!!

@ChristmasMeal I am so sorry that your DH has been such a dick, and he won't be any better thought of, I can guarantee you that!!

Cut down on any costs of Christmas associated with him, and spend your money on your children. He needs to wise the fuck up! x

Lookingatthesunset · 04/12/2023 03:05

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 03/12/2023 20:36

Yanbu.

The employer should cover if anyone. He could buy them a drink each or buy some bottles for the table. How many people we are talking about ?

But the public sector doesn't 'cover'?!!

everythingthelighttouches · 04/12/2023 03:43

That is a shame OP.

He can start saving now for next Christmas then. I assume it was at least £200? So approx £20 per month.

He is barely paid any more than them so I would get him to calculate how much more than them he will actually take home per month, after deducting the Christmas lunch. Probably not much. Was it really worth the promotion???!!

saffronsoup · 04/12/2023 04:51

Have you ever paid for a meal out for family or a friend OP? Ever bought anyone else anything? that money could have gone towards Christmas.

It sounds like maybe you have different views on the budget and maybe both of you aren’t on the same page. I think the view that he isn’t allowed to buy a meal or spend any money without your permission and if he does he should be punished shows this really isn’t a healthy relationship. If my husband told me that since I paid for a friends / colleagues meal without his permission that I would be punished and he wouldn’t allow me to buy Christmas gifts for my family, I would not think he was amazing.

BIossomtoes · 04/12/2023 07:54

I can’t see why he’s getting so much stick. Even the most avid fans of joint finances have personal discretionary spending.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 04/12/2023 08:08

Lookingatthesunset · 04/12/2023 03:04

Well you clearly don't have a clue how the public sector works then do you? I've worked in both private and public sectors.

There is no provision for managers to pay for staff Christmas do's and most of you would be frothing at the mouth if there was!!! In times gone by, there may have been a budget for certain situations but alcohol was never allowed to be funded!

There is such a squeeze on spending that there is fuck all in the kitty. My organisation recently had a conference - what had previously been a full day was a half day and lunch was a tiny bowl of soup with half a roll!!!

@ChristmasMeal I am so sorry that your DH has been such a dick, and he won't be any better thought of, I can guarantee you that!!

Cut down on any costs of Christmas associated with him, and spend your money on your children. He needs to wise the fuck up! x

Show quote history

If you had bothered reading the thread you might have noticed my comment was specifically in response to a poster talking nonsense about how things are done in the private sector. It was a side conversation.

If you had bothered reading the thread you might have noticed I pointed out several times that the OP's husband is in the public sector and staff hospitality isn't paid in the public sector.

XiCi · 04/12/2023 12:32

@ChristmasMeal I am so sorry that your DH has been such a dick, and he won't be any better thought of, I can guarantee you that! Cut down on any costs of Christmas associated with him, and spend your money on your children. He needs to wise the fuck up!

God, such venom just because someone has been generous enough to pay for a Xmas meal. I have had a Xmas meal paid for by different managers on about 4 occasions. They didn't have to do it but it was much appreciated. He will be better thought of because it was a kind thing to do and it goes a long way in terms of building a team spirit.
It was a gesture that the OPs DH wanted to make and he is entitled to make decisions on how his money is spent. The OP might think this is a waste of money but he does not. I'm sure OP buys things that the DH could do without as well. Can't believe anyone would be so petty as to not spend anything on him at Xmas because of this. Pathetic.

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 12:38

XiCi · 04/12/2023 12:32

@ChristmasMeal I am so sorry that your DH has been such a dick, and he won't be any better thought of, I can guarantee you that! Cut down on any costs of Christmas associated with him, and spend your money on your children. He needs to wise the fuck up!

God, such venom just because someone has been generous enough to pay for a Xmas meal. I have had a Xmas meal paid for by different managers on about 4 occasions. They didn't have to do it but it was much appreciated. He will be better thought of because it was a kind thing to do and it goes a long way in terms of building a team spirit.
It was a gesture that the OPs DH wanted to make and he is entitled to make decisions on how his money is spent. The OP might think this is a waste of money but he does not. I'm sure OP buys things that the DH could do without as well. Can't believe anyone would be so petty as to not spend anything on him at Xmas because of this. Pathetic.

He’s paid hardly anything, and hardly more than the people he treated. Their family finances were impacted by this ego move and the family is down to the tune of £200 now. His need for approval and depriving his family in a desperate attempt to get it is what’s pathetic.