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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to cover team Christmas meal?

283 replies

ChristmasMeal · 29/11/2023 21:46

DH is a Team Manager. He is going out with his team this weekend for a Christmas meal and has said to me he is going to be covering the entire bill for the meal, himself and three others. I've said I don't agree with this, while it wouldn't completely bankrupt us, it would leave us with a smaller budget to buy Christmas gifts for family.

I get the feeling he wants to cover as he's a relatively new Team Manager and wants to appear cool and likeable but I worry he's setting a precedence for future years too.

AIBU for not wanting him to cover everyone's meal?

OP posts:
Sallyh87 · 30/11/2023 06:57

No, definitely not in public sector. I work for a local authority as a senior manager and I buy my team a round of drinks. He could do that or another manager I know buys her whole team each an advent calendar.

It really wouldn’t be expected and might make them feel awkward.

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/11/2023 07:04

Wait til he has performance issues to manage

This.

You can't afford to be too friendly with your team - it makes any discipline/ work-related problems harder to address, and it means that any unscrupulous individuals can take advantage. (And will despise you . . . )

GoingOffOnATangent · 30/11/2023 07:04

He's making a rod for his own back there.
It's a unnecessarily steep position to climb down from, what's his plan if he can't afford it next year? Humiliating change of style, slam it on the credit card!?
If he does this he'll do it every year and it'll need it's own line in the family budget planner.
It's a ridiculous stance at that level with such tiny salary differences.

DappledThings · 30/11/2023 07:05

Another public sector manager here. I can't actually make my team's lunch this years but will give the organiser some cash to go towards drinks. I bought two bottles of prosecco last year.

My boss bought the drinks for 6 of us at our lunch this week which was very nice and unexpected.

Nobody would ever expect their meal to be paid for or to pay for anyone.

nopenotplaying · 30/11/2023 07:10

He's maybe being pressured into a tradition by other managers. 'They always do it' blah blah. I had this one year it was really upsetting as I couldn't afford it at all. I spoke to my husband and we moved money about to make it work. I also told my manager what had happened, the next year we didn't gift give or pay for the meal. All deposits payments made upfront by the team.

wutheringkites · 30/11/2023 07:17

Why does he think he needs to do this?

CinnamonJellyBeans · 30/11/2023 07:22

I think I'd leave my husband to decide what he wants to do in his own workplace, the same way he doesn't interfere with my work.

LlynTegid · 30/11/2023 07:23

Being professional and competent as a manager, and respected, does not need to be liked, or involve personal expense.

Even if you are well off.

Rainbowqueeen · 30/11/2023 07:26

It will make him unpopular with other managers.

And his boss will wonder about his judgement

theres way more downsides than positives.

He can still do something nice for his team such as buying them a drink which they will appreciate and which doesn’t have these downsides.

I’m also wondering why he isn’t putting his family first. Have you asked him this? .

Daisies12 · 30/11/2023 07:31

A round of drinks is fine. But he should check his team are happy paying their own meals. I’m in a new job and a Christmas meal has been organised, and suddenly turns out we have to pay (didn’t expect that). I think it’s bad they didn’t check first, and it’s a full set menu so you have to have it

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/11/2023 07:32

Daisies12 · 30/11/2023 07:31

A round of drinks is fine. But he should check his team are happy paying their own meals. I’m in a new job and a Christmas meal has been organised, and suddenly turns out we have to pay (didn’t expect that). I think it’s bad they didn’t check first, and it’s a full set menu so you have to have it

Are you public sector? Everyone in the public sector knows Christmas meals aren't paid for

CasperGutman · 30/11/2023 07:38

YANBU. A round of drinks, or at most an arrival drink and some wine (think house wine, not the most expensive stuff) for the table would be generous.

That's what my team's manager does. Then after food we go to a bar, where the second most senior team member gets a round in. Then the next, down in order of seniority. By the time the most junior gets to buying a drink, everyone's either gone home or fallen over.

It occurs to me you might not want your DH to follow this model in every respect! 😄

AgnesX · 30/11/2023 07:39

Expenses surely - it's team building. You can't claim alcohol back from HMRC though (or something like that).

Scarletttulips · 30/11/2023 07:47

Depends on the restaurant choice - we went for a pub meal @ £12 each - not a big deal we brought our own drinks

Team meal is £25 budget the menu is around £20 so that wouldn’t be too bad either and it means he doesn’t need to buy gifts.

If he’s happy in the roll and getting to know his staff I think this is a kind offer.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/11/2023 07:51

AgnesX · 30/11/2023 07:39

Expenses surely - it's team building. You can't claim alcohol back from HMRC though (or something like that).

Edited

How many times. It's public sector; no budget for meals out.

AgnesX · 30/11/2023 07:52

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 30/11/2023 07:51

How many times. It's public sector; no budget for meals out.

Show quote history

It's early, no need to get snippy😀

TrashedSofa · 30/11/2023 07:54

Hastae · 30/11/2023 04:19

It is far from guaranteed that this will generate goodwill, let alone priceless goodwill.

I would not be comfortable with my line manager paying for my meal (unless it was the £700k partner scenario mentioned upthread!) and would prefer no meal at all, frankly. Given the low pay differential here, there is also a risk that it comes across as show-offy and patronising.

Show quote history

Definitely! The lower paid staff are likely to know how little the differential is as well, which risks them feeling awkward. I would.

I'd also be furious if I were OP, since they evidently have very joint finances and he's not just spending his own fun money.

Zanatdy · 30/11/2023 07:54

None of our managers are expected to do that. I might be one of the higher earners in my team but I can guarantee I’m in a worse position that most. I might buy some drinks but I wouldn’t pay for the meal

Erdinger · 30/11/2023 07:56

A bottle of wine or 2 for the meal purchased by him is MORE than generous

spiderleggings · 30/11/2023 07:56

I used to be public sector and our boss did this but it was for 10 of us and we'd all had alcohol too.

God knows how much the bill was! And I did secretly wonder if he regretted it but also very happy for a free night out!

greyhairnomore · 30/11/2023 08:00

As many are agreeing with you , maybe show him this thread?

Cosyblankets · 30/11/2023 08:05

As a fully grown adult with a full time job I would expect to pay for myself.
First round of drinks or maybe a bottle of wine for the table. Nothing more

stuffnthings · 30/11/2023 08:06

Wouldn't be expected at all in our multinational corporation, in all the years I've been here, we've all paid our own way at any event. And re the expenses - no chance, in fact it would contravene company policy and corporate governance.

As others have said, a round of drinks might be a nice gesture, although I would feel a bit awkward in receiving that, as it's just not something I or my colleagues would be used to.

HorseBlue · 30/11/2023 08:06

I agree with everyone else. Suggest he covers the first round of drinks or something like that.
Unless he earns significantly more than everyone else.

BeigeChair · 30/11/2023 08:10

It will backfire as people won’t see it as him paying but the company paying. So he won’t get the credit he wants and people will go crazy being told it’s a few meal and start ordering cocktails and more food etc