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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to cover team Christmas meal?

283 replies

ChristmasMeal · 29/11/2023 21:46

DH is a Team Manager. He is going out with his team this weekend for a Christmas meal and has said to me he is going to be covering the entire bill for the meal, himself and three others. I've said I don't agree with this, while it wouldn't completely bankrupt us, it would leave us with a smaller budget to buy Christmas gifts for family.

I get the feeling he wants to cover as he's a relatively new Team Manager and wants to appear cool and likeable but I worry he's setting a precedence for future years too.

AIBU for not wanting him to cover everyone's meal?

OP posts:
Catsfrontbum · 04/12/2023 12:39

How much was the bill???

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 12:43

I’ve just worked it out. Monthly, he takes home £113 more then the people he paid for.

Wow.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 04/12/2023 14:27

saffronsoup · 04/12/2023 04:51

Have you ever paid for a meal out for family or a friend OP? Ever bought anyone else anything? that money could have gone towards Christmas.

It sounds like maybe you have different views on the budget and maybe both of you aren’t on the same page. I think the view that he isn’t allowed to buy a meal or spend any money without your permission and if he does he should be punished shows this really isn’t a healthy relationship. If my husband told me that since I paid for a friends / colleagues meal without his permission that I would be punished and he wouldn’t allow me to buy Christmas gifts for my family, I would not think he was amazing.

Paying for one other person's meal as a treat is NOT the same as paying for a whole TEAM OF PEOPLE, there is literally hundreds of pounds difference in that.

Spending hundreds of pounds of household income on other people should absolutely be discussed and agreed with the other person in the relationship.

That isn't abuse, it's respect. And going ahead against their wishes shows how much her husband's need to be liked by his team trumps any respect he has for her.

coodawoodashooda · 04/12/2023 17:08

ChristmasMeal · 03/12/2023 18:30

Yes bill was paid by my DH

You better hope his team doesn't get bigger next year.

everythingthelighttouches · 04/12/2023 17:39

Snowdogsmitten · 04/12/2023 12:43

I’ve just worked it out. Monthly, he takes home £113 more then the people he paid for.

Wow.

I knew it would be something like this.

Also agree with the person pointing out he is not on a very high salary himself!

cakewench · 04/12/2023 18:06

Absolutely bonkers. He's set a precedent now. He's only on 2k more than his team members!

I'd come here to give the advice of buying a round of drinks and maybe some kind of nice gift in the office towards Christmas, but I see it's all in the past now.

FWIW I'm public sector and I know my line manager isn't on much more than I am. I'd never expect this and I'd feel really awkward if she did it. She has bought rounds for us from time to time, which feels more appropriate and less awkward.

Meowandthen · 04/12/2023 19:59

twirlywoop · 03/12/2023 19:52

Ffs what a patronising move. I'd be so pissed off if I were his employees and also insisting on a pay rise as he's got enough to be flashing his cash

Show quote history

How odd. Being generous by buying a couple of meals is hardly “flashing the cash”.

ClafoutisSurprise · 04/12/2023 23:56

I would find it patronising and possibly a bit boastful too, Meow, if someone who had been at the same level as me until very recently and is only earning a little more was paying for my meal. Given that he is going beyond what is the norm for a manager in his organisation, it starts to get into grand gesture territory.

Workplaces are thankfully less obviously hierarchical than they used to be and managers do need to strike a careful balance.

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