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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to cover team Christmas meal?

283 replies

ChristmasMeal · 29/11/2023 21:46

DH is a Team Manager. He is going out with his team this weekend for a Christmas meal and has said to me he is going to be covering the entire bill for the meal, himself and three others. I've said I don't agree with this, while it wouldn't completely bankrupt us, it would leave us with a smaller budget to buy Christmas gifts for family.

I get the feeling he wants to cover as he's a relatively new Team Manager and wants to appear cool and likeable but I worry he's setting a precedence for future years too.

AIBU for not wanting him to cover everyone's meal?

OP posts:
andweallsingalong · 01/12/2023 20:14

saraclara · 01/12/2023 19:05

No. This is how unacceptable practices grow.

The previous manager stepped outside what is usual and affordable in the sector. If OP's DH continues the practice, then other managers' teams are going to resent their managers not paying for their meal. And a whole bunch of not highly paid people (possibly with young children and high mortgages) are going to be forced into the kind of action that bosses who earn many multiples of their salary in the private sector can willingly do.

The previous manager was a one off. OP's husband has to prevent this growing and should show his appreciation in the usual, and affordable way. His team might like him to pay, his fellow managers will very much not appreciate it.

Show quote history

I do agree other than that I reckon OP's DH already gave his team the impression he would pay. In which case it's really off to not make sure they know they will be paying for themselves before the meal.

I've had both circumstances. Team meal where everyone pays for themselves and if you can't afford you don't go as well as meals I felt obligated to go to because my boss (or the company) were paying and made it clear it was pretty much obligatory to attend. Mainly private sector, but also, to a lesser extent, public sector.

Yourcatisnotsorry · 01/12/2023 20:22

That is very generous and not normal. I’d normally buy drinks for my team plus a small Xmas present. Depends on the pay disparity, how hard they worked etc.

MelsMoneyTree · 01/12/2023 20:28

I've worked in the charity sector and the public sector and managers often paid for meals for us all. So although it's not done in your department, it doesn't follow that it isn't standard in your DH's department, especially since his previous manager paid for meals.
I'd let DH decide what he feels is appropriate. But I wouldn't try to micromanage my own DH's finances to that extent and he wouldn't do it to me either. Yy we let each other know if there is a big purchase but we wouldn't veto it. Your DH is earning approx £2k more than he did in his previous role. I can see why he thinks a £200 spend isn't ott.

LalaPaloosa · 01/12/2023 20:31

I’ve only ever had one manager in my life not pick up the bill for Christmas lunch. It’s normal for the manager to pay in the industry in which I work.

Peablockfeathers · 01/12/2023 20:47

A round of drinks is fine- reasonably priced for him and still a thoughtful and generous gesture.

Tarantella6 · 01/12/2023 20:50

What my boss does is hand me £100-£150 depending on how generous he is feeling when the bill comes. Then I take the rest and split it with the middle managers paying more so the junior members of the team only pay about £25. Maybe he could do something similar?

MrsWombat · 01/12/2023 20:54

I've been out for a couple of meals where the manager/host took the bill at the end and told everyone it was £20 each. It obviously came to a lot more than that each but was a good way to do it. I've been in the public sector for a while and never had a whole meal paid for. Sometimes they would buy loads of takeaway pizzas but that's the most generous I've seen.

starsinthenightskies · 01/12/2023 21:04

LalaPaloosa · 01/12/2023 20:31

I’ve only ever had one manager in my life not pick up the bill for Christmas lunch. It’s normal for the manager to pay in the industry in which I work.

…and I’m guessing that isn’t the public sector?

Ruthieb1974 · 01/12/2023 22:02

My DH buys a team meal and drinks that costs £600. It drives me insane. Other managers spend £10 each employee but he’s a real people pleaser. YANBU

saraclara · 01/12/2023 22:05

It beggars belief that people are STILL posting about their private sector experience in a thread about the public sector.

Those of us in the public sector constantly get told that we don't understand what is like for businesses. It seems that works both ways then. People would be jumping up and down at the thought of their taxes being used to pay for government employees' Christmas dinners. Shareholders however don't seem to blink an eye at what private companies put on expenses.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 22:55

saraclara · 01/12/2023 22:05

It beggars belief that people are STILL posting about their private sector experience in a thread about the public sector.

Those of us in the public sector constantly get told that we don't understand what is like for businesses. It seems that works both ways then. People would be jumping up and down at the thought of their taxes being used to pay for government employees' Christmas dinners. Shareholders however don't seem to blink an eye at what private companies put on expenses.

Well your comment there shows you don't know how employee entertainment costs work.

I'm in the private sector and we pay the lunch and substantial bar kitty for our own department. It comes out of our personal pockets.

There are other staff entertainment events for the whole firm which are paid for by the firm. The expenditure is tax deductible from profits but in theory that creates potential taxable benefit for the employees to pay tax on the entertainment received and the employer to report this on form P11D. To avoid that many employers pay the tax due or not claim it all.

saraclara · 01/12/2023 23:33

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 01/12/2023 22:55

Well your comment there shows you don't know how employee entertainment costs work.

I'm in the private sector and we pay the lunch and substantial bar kitty for our own department. It comes out of our personal pockets.

There are other staff entertainment events for the whole firm which are paid for by the firm. The expenditure is tax deductible from profits but in theory that creates potential taxable benefit for the employees to pay tax on the entertainment received and the employer to report this on form P11D. To avoid that many employers pay the tax due or not claim it all.

Show quote history

None of us knows how individual companies manage the expenses for different staff social events. They have the luxury of choice.

But anyone in the public sector knows that in 99% of cases within it, employees pay for all their own social staff events (I'd have said 100% had there not been one poster here who claims to be public sector and said she got a Christmas meal paid for).

None of my friends in the private sector have to pay for their Christmas social/meal. It's something we end up taking about every year!

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 02/12/2023 00:04

saraclara · 01/12/2023 23:33

None of us knows how individual companies manage the expenses for different staff social events. They have the luxury of choice.

But anyone in the public sector knows that in 99% of cases within it, employees pay for all their own social staff events (I'd have said 100% had there not been one poster here who claims to be public sector and said she got a Christmas meal paid for).

None of my friends in the private sector have to pay for their Christmas social/meal. It's something we end up taking about every year!

Show quote history

I was referring to your glib comment about shareholders and expenses. As for "none of us know...." speak for yourself.

kneehightoacat · 02/12/2023 09:15

It’s going to be more than £200

Cactusmad · 02/12/2023 09:44

First round is fine, people can even be greedy with this , dh had one bloke say I only drink double single malt whisky. He must have not done it regularly as he fell down the stairs drunk. Stick to ur guns his gesture is affecting your Xmas but he gets the kudos.

Drhow · 02/12/2023 09:52

I’d feel really awkward if anyone offered to pay for everything for me. A nice gesture would be offering to buy drinks or something, not the whole meal.

euff · 02/12/2023 10:43

Senior managers often put something towards the bill which I felt was generous. I would never expect anyone to foot the whole bill. Before my time there was a manager known to be very generous with this kind of thing and it turned out he was stealing from vulnerable service users.

MrsRobert · 02/12/2023 14:29

I've worked in public services in different countries for decades and sometimes a director on about £70-80k would bring a couple of bottles of wine if we were lucky!

privateano · 02/12/2023 16:17

This just isn't how it should work, if he's taking them out for dinner he either gets it back on expenses or they split the bill.
My DD took a new team member out for lunch the other day, it's a tradition where she works and it comes off expenses.

Original poster
ChristmasMeal · 03/12/2023 10:47

Just to update, the meal was paid for...

OP posts:
GoingOffOnATangent · 03/12/2023 10:50

I hope it didn't break the bank, it made him feel like he was playing the role he felt he needed to play and people appreciated it without feeling obligated or he is a mug.
Hopefully it was all just positive Xmas cheer.
Good luck for next year.

Peablockfeathers · 03/12/2023 10:54

privateano · 02/12/2023 16:17

This just isn't how it should work, if he's taking them out for dinner he either gets it back on expenses or they split the bill.
My DD took a new team member out for lunch the other day, it's a tradition where she works and it comes off expenses.

Not in the public sector it doesn't! Can you imagine the outrage? Rightly or wrongly people are used to paying for their own meals if they want to go out, I've known managers to get a round in which is a nice gesture, or get a small gift for everyone; but paying for the meal feels a bit much especially if your family has asked you not to because finances arent great.

Supertayto · 03/12/2023 10:55

My public sector director is doing this for our team and while it is incredibly generous, we were all taken aback and concerned that it is from her own pocket. I think everyone will buy her drinks to say thank you, but still. A round or even just a toast with a verbal thank you would have been well received. Family money most be agreed and unless you are wealthy enough to genuinely not feel it then it shouldn’t happen.

rookiemere · 03/12/2023 11:22

ChristmasMeal · 03/12/2023 10:47

Just to update, the meal was paid for...

How much was it ?

ellie09 · 03/12/2023 11:24

No way.

A round of drinks is plenty.

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