To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

Op could lose her job in a heart beat.

Far better for each person in a couple to advance their careers

You don't know if it will be there in the future, but if it's not the right time its not the right time.

You don't have to choose a certain career path just because it is offered to you, if it's not a good fit with your family setup, you shouldn't sacrifice their happiness and stability to go for it, without an added benefit of some kind for everyone.. there are no added benefits for anyone apart from DH, in fact OP would be worse off as she's been putting her career on the backburner while DH did his training and started off on his teaching career and her job progression that was part of their plan once the youngest was 6 months may now be on hold because of this 'opportunity' for DH.

Not only can he never match her earning potential, he is literally hindering her career by working 15-20 hours a week more for no more money? It just doesn't make sense.

All the benefits that come with his job, they already have with his regular teaching job.

What about self worth for her husband and him being able to do what fulfils him? Sounds like men can only do good if they’re bringing in the cash. Otherwise tell them not to bother.
Seems that doesn’t matter to anyone here, only the OP being able to have the career she wants. For some reason it’s inconceivable they can both have a career (which when you go through the details it isn’t). Sounds like it’s going to be an unhappy marriage either way without a compromise…

This particular man is supposed to be doing parental leave to look after their family and new baby. The op being upset he won’t be able to do this, and will have to work full time instead of part time and including Saturdays is the exact opposite of only valuing him for the cash he brings in.

I don’t think you can really say her career has ever really been on the back burner when she earns over £100k working the equivalent of 4 days a week. Those jobs don’t just land in your lap!

if the sexes were reversed it would be exactly the same, it's not about who the man or woman here.

So being a teacher doesn't bring him self worth, but being a HOD would bring him fulfilment? Come off it, bottom line is sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good of the family, and declining a career opportunity at a moment in time if it isn't in the best interest of the family is one of those time.

She earns 5x what he does, why wouldn't her career be the priority?

absolutely, I wholeheartedly agree, but only if it fits in with the rest of the family's needs at that time. OP isn't saying she will never support him advancing his career, in fact for the last 5 years she's done nothing but. A career advancement is only worth doing if it brings in benefits for everyone involved, if it's actually making you worse off from a time with family and from a financial standpoint.. it ain't much of an advancement.

It would be once the kids are older, it's just the wrong time right now.

Being recognised for doing a good job and being promoted is part of the self worth, yes. As I said, with their financial situation there’s no reason why they can’t both have a career. If they took a serious look at their outgoings they can afford full time childcare. Why is one persons career more important than the other?! Yes OP earns more so are we saying the money is the most important part here? I thought she wanted a happy family?!

I earn double what my husband does but I would never say my career is more important than his. They are of equal importance because if we are both happy, our family is happy. Not to mention the more he progresses, the more he earns to contribute to our family. We both ensure that time spend outside of work with our kids is time well spent.

I think if this was reversed everyone would be saying they needed to make it work so she didn't have to pass up the opportunity.

They sound bound to this school so his scope for promotion is going to be very constrained already.

They could make it work if they had a sensible budget and weren't subsidising family

Why don't you just read the thread instead of trying to cherry pick information like a 'gotcha'.. it won't take you very long to read OPs posts. She explains the nanny costs (£1000 a month for a full time nanny wouldn't even scratch the surface) and parental support payment for DH parents are inflexible and not for childcare.

We live in a very modest 3 bed semi with one child and our essential bills are at least £800, that includes food and dog food.. you know.. essentials.

Exactly this. There is no reason with their financial situation they can’t both have the career they want. They are extremely lucky. No one person in a marriage is more important than the other.

They already pay £1500 a month for a nanny so if they stopped giving away money unnecessarily to parents that’s £2500 a month to childcare. If DH wants a career he’ll have to stop paying his parents…

Support your husband. It’s that simple.

Also, as we all know childcare costs are short term, as painful as they are at the time. But the career is long term…

This seems somewhat melodramatic in places. It's teaching, not running the international space station! People manage to teach and have families fine.

I hope you manage to get the resolution you want. If it were me I don't think I'd hold back on the promoted post. He'll resent you in the long run.
I'll be totally honest though, I don't get all your posts about the "sacrifices" you made with a short maternity leave. Surely that was just questionable family planning? Given that a degree is 3/4 years and teacher training is only a year, it seems odd to actively plan your family around that and not just hold off for a year or so? And also seems unusual that with an income 5x a teachers salary, knowing you were planning for a baby, you didn't manage to save anything at all to allow you to take more than 6 weeks off? Something feels a bit off with all this...

It would be interesting to know that but I definitely wouldn't have a different opinion, to me this makes no difference if op was the man or the woman, the ONLY circumstance I would ever form a different opinion is if there was an element of financial abuse with such mismatched earnings.. but that's not the case here, OP and DH seemingly combine into a central 'pot'.

It's not just about the money, DH taking this job, aside from being no more financially better off, would be spending at least 15-20 hours extra a week working, be less present for the children, less present for OP and more of the household responsibility would fall to her, would have to work one morning a weekend so stops any flexibility there, and he'd have to give up his 3 months leave with the baby as the new role won't allow it.

That's a lot of sacrifices for no real reward, there's no benefit to the family at this time, and if this was a man or a woman I'd say they were selfish for pursuing it now, they've chosen to have a young family, he needs to stay stable in his career and hope for advancement in the future.. it's not ideal for him, admittedly, it must be a horrible place to be, but you simply can't sacrifice your family's happiness for no reward.

Unless anyone can see any real benefit to him taking this job, I really don't get it.

It's short term pain for long term gain though
As they seem committed to him staying at this school to ensure their children get subsidised education, then his choices for career progression are much more constrained. If he was free to move schools it wouldn't be such a "now or never" issue

What will he get for it? TLR 1 or 2? It will be around £5000 a year more for a whole lot of pain.

having just quit a job because of the extra management roles driving me to burn out, I say don’t do it. If you earn more, let him stay where he is.

You're not wrong, monetary wise it's short term pain for long term gain (not much gain though!), but he'll never get that time back away from the kids, I know people are saying he will resent OP, but if I was OP I think I'd resent him a little for choosing career 'advancement' over what's in the family's best interest.

I work very flexibly , I own my own company and have a toddler, I would NEVER actively choose to go back to full time 5 days a week away from the home + one morning a weekend + admin duties over and above that during home hours. I think lockdown changed a lot of people perspectives on work, it certainly did mine and now with a child, I would never sacrifice time with her unless it was completely necessary.

He doesn't need to do it at this time, or even at all!, He wants to, which is fair enough, but wants don't really trump needs, especially to the detriment to your family life, if his DW can earn 5x his salary working 4 days a week and happily shares all the bounty equally, he'd be mad to rock the boat, they've got a good thing going as it is, why upset everything.

I don’t think it’s fair that you hold him back now, you should get a Nanny and find a new way for the family to work… could you take a longer maternity leave this time to have some kid time? And then start afresh

I'm the main family breadwinner (by some way) and have recently been diagnosed with a complex condition

Thankfully I can work for now, and thankfully we got a house we could afford on the lower income if needed, but it has made me very sure that it is risky for all sorts of reasons not to allow both careers to advance if possible ( DH has progressed in his too thankfully, so we will be ok if I need to stop)

Redundancy/loss of love for the job/mental health etc - one day op might be very glad she let her DH advance his career

My dad worked 5 full days and at least half a day at the weekend, but he made the most of the time with us, and my parents paid for a nanny and a cleaner, and I never felt I missed out. He was probably at least far more present that the dad with a smaller job who spends a day a week watching football /on the golf course. That day and half (plus some bedtimes in the week) he fully focussed on us. The worst bit was when my mum wasn't working when we were tiny and the stress /pressure and fact my mum clearly longed for more. She was a great mum but she was much happier in herself once she was pushing forward in her career again

And OP DH will be around in school holidays too! So overall it would balance out

And if he is stuck with that particular school it's quite likely this promotion might not come up again for a decade or longer.

I think this sums up this thread - many posters don't accept the information that OP's career took a slow down for the family just because she earns good money anyway.

Obviously, she managed to get on that level earlier, and remained there, because as a family they didn't wanted to risk changing jobs both in the same time while having small children.

100% this @sandyhappypeople !! Well said.

Exactly. Why would a family want to put all this financial pressure on one person when both can earn good money? Long term that makes no sense!

You’ve hit the nail on the head @ZiriForGood

that and also I think people believe because she earns good money she isn’t allowed to want a work life balance and should just be happy with having her young children looked after by a nanny full time 🙄