To ask DH not to go for promotion?

[NCforthis235]

Sorry for long thread but there is context and don't want to drip feed.

DH is a teacher and has recently had a "tap" to apply for HOD job at his school for next September.

I am the breadwinner (earning c.5x DH's salary) but there are elements of his job which contribute massively in financial and non-financial ways (huge discount on school fees, DH does all childcare during school holidays).

I am pregnant with DC3, due in the spring and have made big sacrifices for him to pursue his teaching career. I went back to work after 3 months with DC1, and 6 weeks after DC2 because he was doing a degree and teacher training so I needed to earn. I have stayed in my current job longer than I would otherwise have done because the flexibility is amazing, but I have to do a night away a week from the kids and a long commute either end. Whenever the kids are sick during term time, it is me who juggles as his job is less flexible.

We are finally settling into a routine but I am stretched/often struggling. I do school drop off and pick up 2x a week on my WFH days (plus on my day off - I work 80%), spend a couple of hours with the kids then finish my work day once DH is home from school. It's working, but it's not easy.

The HOD job would involve him moving from 80% to full time as well as significantly more admin to do before/after school. Which ultimately would involve us needing a nanny for an extra day (which would more than eat up the pay bump for him) and add significantly more strain on me when I already feel like I'm just getting by.

He also wouldn't be able to take shared parental leave as we had planned for Christmas term next year. I've said I think we should just focus on stability during the early years and spending as much time with the kids as possible, and that the HOD is likely to come up again at some point. Once new baby is at pre-school, I am likely to want to look at different job options which would be made a lot easier if DH just stayed where he was for a few years. He's saying that we both worked hard and sacrificed a lot for his career and that he now wants to climb the ladder and start taking some of the financial load off of me. AIBU?

@PoachedEggSandwich just because something has been agreed, doesn't mean it is not a sacrifice, surely? As I said, I don't resent those decisions. Would I love to have had more time off with both children? Absolutely. But that choice put us in a wonderful position where DH is in a job he loves, in a much more stable industry than the one he came from. And we can send our children to a school which affords them much greater opportunities than we would otherwise. So I wouldn't change it. It has benefitted us massively as a family.

I'd now love to be looking for a job that doesn't involve 400 miles of travel a week and an overnight away from my family. I can't do that right away because I'm about to start maternity leave. But in about 18 months time, that was the plan. I won't be able to do that if he is less than a year into a new job with a much higher time commitment than he has now. I will need to stick with the employer than knows me and affords me a lot of flexibility, which doesn't come straight away in a new role.

@Riverstep I have never met a single person IRL who has not made career sacrifices / compromises due to having children.

I also want to progress in my career but can’t until the kids are older, DH is the higher earner so I have to wait. I’d say it’s the same for you but the genders reversed.

Its a sacrifice we make when we have kids, hate to pull the ‘female’ card but no one would bat an eyelid if it was you wanting to progress and had to wait as your husband was the higher earner.

Personally, I dont think anyone should be expected to make career sacrifices due to having children.

I bet the weather’s lovely in Utopia.

I think this exactly. I'm really shocked at some of the awful comments you're getting.

Haven't read the full thread but I think your DH wants to step up, contribute more financially to your family. However for you, it would be better for him to stick at his current job as it works better for your family.

I think a conversation needs to be had. He may not like the fact that it makes more sense for you to further your career as your earning potential is more. However, many many women have accepted this so he think about this aspect as well.

I think you need to have a conversation and put all your cards on the table so that your DH understands how him taking on the new roll would impact on your family.

One thing I would not budge on - please take all the maternity leave you want. I think you deserve this and he should support this

would i have loved to have more time off with the children

but here it seems you’re rather happy with the status quo

I love being able to get to all the sports days/nativities etc and see a lot of the kids during the week

I have already agreed my maternity leave. I will have 6 full months, which feels like an eternity (in a good way!). The plan was then for DH to take one term's worth of SPL, then baby will go 2 days/week with the nanny, 1 day a week with grandparents and a day a week with each of us from c.10months. I would rather baby didn't go to 3 days a week with the nanny at 6 months old, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if he did proceed with the HOD job.

@sugarandsweetener yes - more time off with the children during maternity leave. The status quo works well in terms of flexibility and time with the kids. I don't like the travel/night away but it's worth it for the other bits.

bingo

solution

sorted

at 6 months… nanny for an extra day covered very easily by his additional days work

Well which do you want? Do you want a third baby or do you want to advance your career? Because it's a total contradiction to try and do both at the same time.

That’s interesting , I have.

As soon as you are both happy any arrangements will do. However it seems like he is been getting ready for this and hold that back can do more harm to the relationship that other thing.
You are very hands on and successful, he seems that he finally had found a job he is enjoying after a lot. You know him best. Can he hold resent toward that decision in the future?

what profession or job?

Health care. Continuing to work is a requirement of your regulatory body anyway and you just get left behind in terms of promotions unless you put yourself out there. Some people are happy to stay as a lower band whilst their children are young, but others are not. I know quite a few staff members who secured a promotion whilst on six months maternity leave, returning to work in new managerial roles or clinical training posts.

I can understand you helping out your parents who are doing childcare but 700 to his each month is a lot. Can they not downsize? It is a lot to rely on your child to keep you in an accustomed manner. Is he an only child? Is there anyone else who can help out?

I would encourage him to go for the promotion and make it work as a family. Sounds like he’s worked hard for it.

Reading this thread - this has also been my main Q. Many of your other costs/choices are driven by your actual life with DC. The costs of supporting both sets of parents are not. That really is one to challenge with both sets.

If you're earning 5x his salary then you can clearly afford extra help. His new job isn't just about money is it? It's about career opportunities. Why would you support him all this time but now say no stay in your place. You wouldn't like it if you were told by him to limit yourself when you actually want to start flying.
If you are already stretched and stressed and wanted to spend more time with kids that's on you. He clearly doesn't. Let him do his career but have that whole conversation about the balance you need or want. Why don't you start working fewer days or shorter hours if that's what you want. If you want to concentrate on your career too get a nanny.

but this latest post of yours directly contradicts your post where you say you’ve known people to make
no career sacrifice or compromise at all?

if they never wanted to progress anyway… then no sacrifice or compromise made by them not progressing

I have no idea what you are talking about. The op said shes not met anyone who hasn’t had to compromise or make sacrifices. I said I have ( as in I know people who haven’t compromised or sacrificed in terms of career due to having children).

OP I’m sorry you’re getting a bit of a bashing by certain posters. I think probably if you weren’t pregnant with DC3 this wouldn’t be such a difficult situation. You feel very vulnerable when you’re pregnant and to have the goalposts changed at such a key time is incredibly unsettling so I totally understand where you are coming from.

This isn’t a black and white situation but I wonder what would happen if you sat your husband down and said you really, truly didn’t want him to go for this job. What would his response be? Perhaps he doesn’t realise how much this is impacting you? Also 3 kids will be a different dynamic and perhaps he hasn’t quite thought through the implications of this.

It is natural for him to want to progress in his career but sometimes having kids means Lamont sacrifices. Sometimes you can’t have it all. And maybe he needs to understand that.

You sound like you have a good marriage beyond this so I do think it is worth laying it on the table, telling him how hard you are finding this and asking if he can come up with a genuine solution that works for both of you.

* I said I have ( as in I know people who haven’t compromised or sacrificed in terms of career due to having children). *

because they never actually wanted to progress their career?
or they have achieved career progress regardless of having children and not had to make a single sacrifice or
compromise to do so?

it isn’t clear

I commented waaay at the top of the thread, can't believe this is getting heated! It's not that contentious...

Another point to bear in mind, I think, is that it's generally the case that the early years are most demanding on the mother (for obvious reasons). In your case, with a DH who will be teaching at the school your children attend or will attend, I think you can fairly expect the tables to turn.

My experience was thus: it was almost all on my shoulders in years 0-5 for each of our DC. As they grew, developed interests (not mine) and academic needs which DH could help with better than I could, he took over. We're now at a point where, aside from school hours + extra-curricular hours (which doesn't actually leave very many hours during term time), DH does about 60% of what needs to be done and I do 40%. We could change that balance, but this is what works best for each member of the family.

With a DH working at your DCs' school, I would think he will be doing all drop offs and pick ups, doing the bulk of school admin (perhaps not filling in slips and getting sports kit ready, but all the interface with school at least), helping with homework, and all the schoolwork-related support/ pep-talking/ confidence-building/ direction-giving etc, not to mention GCSE, A-Level and University admissions. That's all stuff that will appear once your eldest DC hits about 10/11yo and go on for many years seeing as you have 3 DC. It's not always as time consuming as breast-feeding and nappy changing (although it can be), but it's certainly MUCH more emotionally and intellectually demanding!

All this to say, perhaps take a longer-term view if you're still bristling at it being his turn to compromise. You've got a long, long way to go. It may actually suit you to have a higher-up DH in the DCs' school!

Whilst I do sympathise with the situation to some extent, for working families the reality is you don’t really see your children much, except at weekends. That’s just how life is. Doesn’t sound like either of you work weekends so that is your child time? Having a career isn’t really compatible with spending lots of time with your children outside of that. It’s a sacrifice you have to make.
Considering how much you will earn combined if your husband gets this job, I assume it’s more than enough to pay for a nanny? For most working parents the issue is they can’t afford not to work but the childcare pretty much eats up any expendable income. It sounds like you’re in an envious position. Once you’ve sorted your childcare out there’s no reason why you can’t both have a career. Oh and if you can afford it, get a cleaner so you don’t have to worry about keeping your house tidy when you should be spending time with your kids. If you want to spend more time with your kids during the week, it’s you that needs to put your career on hold. But then I say this as a mother of two young children who works four days a week and would love to work five days if I could afford the additional childcare. I am happy the time with my children is at weekends 😂