Mum STILL self-isolating

[Mumofteens4892]

My 70yr old mum has chronic asthma and is still self isolating from COVID. I'm actually pissed off that she's not coming for Christmas for the 4th xmas in a row. She lives on her own. She lives 5 miles away and we never see her.

AIBU to be utterly fed up?

Her immune system will no doubt pick up any bug going, after so long not going in shops or seeing anyone at all, so she has a good point, and it would be awful if she caught something from us at xmas, but where do we go from here?

Great idea. I'd definitely be encouraging DM to look into that.

@Fullofcaffeine it suggests every two years

@CityLass Mate. Get help. Seriously.

It might suggest it but given the nhs does not pay for the tests between the ages of 18 and 60 unless in an eligible group, it is presumably not considered that important for younger people with good vision.

Statistically the chances of actually dying from covid are miniscule ..... less than 0.1% of the world population have died from it.

Slight tangent but eye tests are really important
They can pick up a whole host of eye health problems as well as problems with your general health.
yes you have to pay for them if you aren't on certain benefits but you only get one pair of eyes and looking after them is vital
So please don't listen when people say they don't matter
Its not just about glasses

My inlaws were very much like this until last January. Kept talking about "going back to normal" but then moving the goalposts about when this was going to happen. What finally changed their minds was a combination of us refusing to meet outdoors in winter (ds2 who is actually CEV was too underweight and ill to cope with the cold) and losing 3 of their friends to non covid causes in quick succession. They then realised that at their age (late 80s) there was little certainty about how much time they might have left and they thought more carefully about how they wanted to spend it.

You had Covid and were fine so everyone else will also be fine? I got extremely sick with Covid despite being quite young and having no serious underlying issues. I've had ongoing health issues from it, and my immune system now appears to be compromised. I've had shingles and two bad colds in the past few months (despite barely going out!). My previously healthy uncle also collapsed and died of a heart attack a few weeks after having it, and he was 60. It's a nasty little virus, and people are right to be wary of it.

They are and I ackowledged that. But in this ideal world of hardly going out and not risking covid - who does all the work that supports that choice?

Or is it ok for other people to risk getting covid?

Yes ongoing posr covid issues are a thing for some, but that has always been the case for viruses. My cousin got a nasty bout of glandular fever at university and then suffered from chronic fatigue for 4 years.

Covid is far from over, likely if she contracts it, she will become gravely ill.

How do you know it's 'likely'? 🙄

Covid will never be over, so what you are suggesting is this woman not see her kids or grand-kids, or go out and about, for the rest of her life. Which will inevitably end at some point, probably not due to covid.

Have a chat to her and see if she will agree that now's the time to get some help from the doctors.
4 years is a long time to have life on hold, it is encouraging that she does sometimes go out or let people in, this can be built upon gradually alongside support

2020 was very frightening for those told they were at risk.
My daughter's consultant and respiratory nurses phoned me when everything started and put the fear in us telling me she would definitely die if our whole household didn't shield immediately
It eased when after a year she caught it post lockdown 3 when she went back to school.
The headteacher even phoned to apologise for her catching it, not that he could have prevented it...... Yes she was poorly but she actually coped much better than expected, didn't need hospital care and it was me that struggled

While we don't take huge risks like being around anyone who's poorly we are more relaxed about needing to be out in public especially after her respiratory nurse told me none of their vulnerable kiddos had needed admitting thankfully

Sounds like your poor mum is very anxious. Covid is such a horrible disease though isn’t it? Not only killing so many, but disabling many more. That said, speaking as an asthmatic, although it’s counter-intuitive, asthma doesn’t leave us especially vulnerable. It turns out that although it’s a respiratory disease in terms of spreading it, when ill with it, the lungs are not the vulnerable organs. Do you think she would be receptive to reviewing the evidence on this with you. How old is she?

Didn't read all the replies but honestly anyone still following the research is limiting contact, taking precautions and wearing a respirator when sharing indoor air. Covid can damage every part of the body, most people may not have had actual symptoms of this yet so they think everything is fine. If you want to spend time with your mum don't write her off as anxious, take actual precautions to avoid her getting ill and she would be more comfortable being around you. But Christmas is a big ask unfortunately.

I hear your frustration but ultimately it's her health, so her choice. You've decided to drop precautions, she hasn't, that's all.

Not agreeing to take the risk like you are doesn't mean she has a MH issue either.

I'm sure she'd appreciate any steps you could take to respect her choice.

Has she had the vaccine and back up vaccine? It is possible that your mother is using her instinct and you cannot argue with that. If she feels more secure at home, it is her brain telling her to protect her. What people do not always realise is that the brain is a built in alarm system, and it should not be ignored. If she will not go out, you must go to her, and assure her of your love. Why should she go to you?

If I had asthma I would do the same, and I have nursing background. No one knows how this virus is mutating, and there has been news recently that a new strain has been identified. If your mother was to pick up an infection while her lungs are compromised, she would die a very painful death, because the NHS is reluctant to treat elderly people when there are so many younger patients. It is a most cruel health system. I don't think it should have been completely free, so that we could have budgeted for a semi-free service decades ago. Now there are not enough beds to treat people, and there will certainly not be enough if there is another pandemic.

suchsweetthunder · you are so right. I had a virus many years ago which gave me Guillain Barre Syndrome. I got up to go to work one morning and my legs gave way. I now have the chronic form, CIDP, and don't go out because I am never sure when the nerve in my legs - or anywhere gives way, and the pavements here are too narrow for my wheelchair. I have been on DLA for 31 years. Viruses are very strange things: some are nothing, others destroy your body. If anyone is in frail health for any reason, their bodies will be unable to cope with a new virus infection.

Didn't read all the replies but honestly anyone still following the research is limiting contact, taking precautions and wearing a respirator when sharing indoor air.

I clearly don't know anyone following 'the research' then as no one I know (or have seen anywhere) is wearing a respirator or limiting contact and that includes elderly and vulnerable friends, family and colleagues.

Covid is still a massive risk to immunocompromised and those with certain health conditions. There are over a million people in UK still shielding due to this. UK has refused to purchase needed antivirals and has systematically reduced access to them. Most other countries have acknowledged the continued risk of covid, long covid and the associated organ damage. They have set ventilation standards in law and vaccines and antivirals are available to all. UK is an outlier in pretending covid has gone away. She's very sensible to be protecting her health. Ask yourself how would you feel if you forced her and made her ill. If you love her and want to spend time with her then ask her what would make her feel safe. Isolate a week before, ventilation - CO2 below 800ppm, HEPA filtration, test - all makes for a safe environment.

But we know the vaccines don't stop you catching it or passing it on 🤨

So sad 🥲🥲

I think you need to accept your Mum's decision and risk assessment even though you disagree.
I have a relative in her mid 80s for whom I am next of kin who I haven't seen since September 2019. I am sad about it, but it is her decision.
I offer to visit everytime I phone. She always says "when it's better, not this time".
I don't think I will see her again.
She goes shopping once a week in a taxi, bit otherwise doesn't see anyone.
She had a normal life before covid, but she is compos mentis and it is her decision. She has also opted to have no covid jabs.

That's so sad.

I totally agree with you! OPs mother needs family understanding and support and your suggestions sound a really good starting point . Covid can, for some people, still make you very poorly. I went to my gp the other week with a nasty sinus infection and the gp wouldn't come near me until I confirmed that I had done a test !!